How would you react if someone were to tell you that you have 6 months to a year left for living? Would you change anything about your life right now, say if you couldn't help but dying? Would you treat people differently? would you tell them, "Hey yea, im dying"? Or would you keep it to yourself so they don't change how they are with you? Would you let people know how you feel about them? Would you quit your job and do the things you always dreamed about? Would you be happy? Sad? Angry? Just wondering.
Anyway, I think I may have broken, or dislocated my pinky tonight at work..I wasn't paying attention or lost my balance or something and slammed a cart against the machine with my finger in between the two. Immediately I couldn't bend it, now I can but it still hurts. And its red and swollen, my cousin and uncle looked at it and they say it looks like my knuckle popped out of the socket as my finger is like an inch away from my other fingers. haha
Speaking of my uncle...he apologized for last night, which I suppose is good, but once im hurt, i put a wall up. Words are permenant. They are like tattoos on your heart. He gave me a hug and I pulled away. And I haven't really spoken to him since. besides, "hi". I am pretty sure he saw my cuts on my arm but he didn't say anything about it yet...and I texted Joy saying, what he said and how I might stop going, she said, "I hope he didn't influence you, it's not a good time to quit, things take time and I was worried about not seeing you for two weeks (she was full) instead of one week away and now I may never see you again, I don't think it's a good idea for you to stop right now, please think about it" well Okay I mean I don't really want to stop, I want to be able to see my weight, plus going to her gives me a plan so I know if I eat how much isn't overboard and it's like a therapy session. She is more of a therapist than a nutritionist (just without the degree) and it gives me a balance. Like when I see denise I feel like I can breath again, then 2-3days pass and I can't and I see Joy and it releases everything again. I feel like they are the only safe people I have to talk to right now. Anyway, I don't think the choice is mine, really as I have stupid seizures and can't drive there on my own. But now I have a feeling that if I tell my uncle, "I am not going to Joy anymore" it's going to be a problem, like what the hell Im damned if I do and Im damned if I don't
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Comes and Goes
I had my weigh in today. I apparently read last weeks weight wrong (try reading it upside down) I thought I gained 6lbs when I gained 4lbs. This week I lost two. Which I was pretty happy about (which btw Jen I DIDN'T end up purging dinner after not eating breakfast) Anyway, I was full of smiles when I saw a lower number, I felt relief, like I could breath again. Though after talking to jen, I did notice that when I saw the lower number I was thinking of how to lose the other two I gained and then to get to my next goal, and next...Anyway, Of course Joy wasn't too pleased with me, and she found out about my seizure at work on Monday and asked if Im scared. I said I used to be, not anymore, just like when I first threw up blood I got scared, stopped purging for a week, went to the hospital who only gave me meds and nothing else to "fix" this, and started purging again, not scared anymore as the hospital didn't seem tooooo concerned so that means I am okay. She asked, "Are you scared of cancer?" I said, things are scary yes, but it's different when you live this way for so long every single day, its the norm, not living this way is what is scary for me...
Today was okay at work, though my boss did make a comment on how I wasn't there yesterday (when I was approved to get off)
Then I come home and see that my dad wrote back to me. I wasn't expecting it at all! Obviously it wasn't a good response but I guess at least it's a response. I feel like I set myself up, I mean I knew he was going to be upset with what I had to say, how I feel but I wasn't expecting this. I feel so stupid, And I im not upset by what he wrote but the entire letter is a lie. Literally every sentence is wrong, or not what I remember and I don't think its true...my cousin sees me reading it getting upset, and asks if I am okay and that she will have her phone on her. Well my uncle seemed mad at me for sending it..He said, "I dont know what you sent, but I hope you got what you wanted"(not really but it's what I get for voicing my feelings to him) He then goes on and tells me how concerned he is about me moving back home, to the place where my ed started, to being monitored by family and not my team how strict its going to be. And to finish it off, how irresponsible I am being...Seriously kick me when I am down, thanks...He says this past weekend was a test (which I failed) he didn't give me anything to eat until dinner, hoping I would get something on my own. Since I am 22 and should be able to take care of myself. I am sorry. I HAVE and EATING DISORDER, what makes you think that I would willingly grab something to eat when I am not hungry?? Do you have any idea on how hard it is to get something to eat, let alone get something to eat when someone is standing in the kitchen watching you? Its extremely uncomfortable for me and I won't do it. I am trying, I know it may seem like I'm not, but I am...im just not where you want me to be right now, and for your info, when I was home for the holidays I did better than what I am doing now. So obviously I CAN do it, but thanks for having faith in me...I just want to be able to do one thing right. Just one...thats where ed comes in. But even then I feel like I don't do that right =/ I just want to be accepted. to be good enough for someone.
Today was okay at work, though my boss did make a comment on how I wasn't there yesterday (when I was approved to get off)
Then I come home and see that my dad wrote back to me. I wasn't expecting it at all! Obviously it wasn't a good response but I guess at least it's a response. I feel like I set myself up, I mean I knew he was going to be upset with what I had to say, how I feel but I wasn't expecting this. I feel so stupid, And I im not upset by what he wrote but the entire letter is a lie. Literally every sentence is wrong, or not what I remember and I don't think its true...my cousin sees me reading it getting upset, and asks if I am okay and that she will have her phone on her. Well my uncle seemed mad at me for sending it..He said, "I dont know what you sent, but I hope you got what you wanted"(not really but it's what I get for voicing my feelings to him) He then goes on and tells me how concerned he is about me moving back home, to the place where my ed started, to being monitored by family and not my team how strict its going to be. And to finish it off, how irresponsible I am being...Seriously kick me when I am down, thanks...He says this past weekend was a test (which I failed) he didn't give me anything to eat until dinner, hoping I would get something on my own. Since I am 22 and should be able to take care of myself. I am sorry. I HAVE and EATING DISORDER, what makes you think that I would willingly grab something to eat when I am not hungry?? Do you have any idea on how hard it is to get something to eat, let alone get something to eat when someone is standing in the kitchen watching you? Its extremely uncomfortable for me and I won't do it. I am trying, I know it may seem like I'm not, but I am...im just not where you want me to be right now, and for your info, when I was home for the holidays I did better than what I am doing now. So obviously I CAN do it, but thanks for having faith in me...I just want to be able to do one thing right. Just one...thats where ed comes in. But even then I feel like I don't do that right =/ I just want to be accepted. to be good enough for someone.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I might act like a 2 yr old today
Today is a big day for me, I have my weigh in...Last week I gained 6lbs and I am freaking out about it. I really hope I lost this week, but I know how much I would of liked to lose is like impossible in a week unless I did have water retention. I know my team wants me to gain weight, I know =/ I am awake, I exercised all night until my grandmom woke up so from 2 to 830 ish (on gmom duty again which means I am on my own for meals...and I can't seem to bring the fork to my mouth today) I was standing in the front of the mirror a few minutes ago and I honestly don't see if I lost even a pound, I feel like I gained twenty, so I am a bit nervous to see what my weight is today, but I feel like I HAVE to know. I feel like this could make or break me. I have been trying not to purge, still restricting but I dont think enough to do anything. If that number went up I seriously might explode, I might scream, and cry and storm out of my appointment. I have a feeling that my nutritionist caught on how much it effected me last week. As I texted her everyday asking if this or that could make me lose and if she thinks I am really that number. So I have a feeling that she won't even let me get on the scale today, which is probably a good thing but I NEED to know it this week.
I talked to my sponsor and she was pretty harsh today. Told me that I need to eat breakfast as I already skipped it. Said I am taking a step back from the days I haven't purged. If I don't eat now, im more likely to purge tonight. She said I might not even get weighed today. So taking a step back isn't worth the possibilty of stepping on a scale. I told her, "Yea, but I don't know if I can do it today" It's already set in my mind that I won't eat, and once its in my mind, there's no point really trying to convince me otherwise. She said she will give me a half hour to pray and read the ABA book and she will call me back, and if I can't she will try to help me through it again. She is even trying to convince me that I don't eat that much. Said my yougurt is like 3 oz and it won't effect my weight in 3 hours. But it will. I will be heavier with something in my stomach opposed to nothing, and she said, " Im a doctor I know" haha.She also said, "You already screwed up today, I mean I am not trying to be serious when I say that but I am saying that is what ed will say, and that is why you are more likely to purge dinner later" Honestly if the weight is up again is why I would purge later, not because I didn't eat this morning...
I talked to my sponsor and she was pretty harsh today. Told me that I need to eat breakfast as I already skipped it. Said I am taking a step back from the days I haven't purged. If I don't eat now, im more likely to purge tonight. She said I might not even get weighed today. So taking a step back isn't worth the possibilty of stepping on a scale. I told her, "Yea, but I don't know if I can do it today" It's already set in my mind that I won't eat, and once its in my mind, there's no point really trying to convince me otherwise. She said she will give me a half hour to pray and read the ABA book and she will call me back, and if I can't she will try to help me through it again. She is even trying to convince me that I don't eat that much. Said my yougurt is like 3 oz and it won't effect my weight in 3 hours. But it will. I will be heavier with something in my stomach opposed to nothing, and she said, " Im a doctor I know" haha.She also said, "You already screwed up today, I mean I am not trying to be serious when I say that but I am saying that is what ed will say, and that is why you are more likely to purge dinner later" Honestly if the weight is up again is why I would purge later, not because I didn't eat this morning...
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Taking off my mask
Cracking joints, bulging veins, always cold, dizziness when I stand up, numbness in my feet (as if they are not connected to my body) when laying down...hints that I MAY, just may be too thin now. I managed to eat two meals and one snack today, and KEPT everything in, I have not yet exercised or taken laxatives today. In then end you would think I would feel proud of myself, but I don't. I feel nothing but guilt. I feel stupid because I have my nutritionist tomarrow and I am terrified that the number has stayed the same or worse(well worse to me) went up. Yet at the moment, I feel like I could eat everything in this house. So if this is what recovery brings me I am not sure I can do it. To feel this out of control, to be afraid to eat not because of the calories but because of a fear that I won't be able to stop. To become like my sister and turn my anorexia into binge eating. Joy once told me, that if you are at such a low weight for a while, in the next decade you will be overweight because your body is still catching up with how hungry it was. THAT fricken terrifies me, I dont think I would let that happen but my sister did. She was anorexic now shes overweight. What if it happens to me? I already feel like I have a double chin, my theighs are almost touching, my stomach is bulging out. I am trying very hard to hold on but I feel worse than what I did when I was in my ed. Not saying I am cleared of ed. Im not, I know that but today I was. And I haven't purged since Thursday. as I have a very tender lump under my jaw, which I thought was ed related...but it's not =/ (anyway whatever the reasons are it's still an improvement for me!!!)
Then the next moment, I see a slimquick diet commerical. And they have a 25lb challenge, well I said outloud (whoops) maybe I should try that =/ I know I can't, I know my team would kill me but that's ed for you. I didn't have work today, for medical reasons and I hate it, I mean I don't love my job but while I am at work my head takes a break. well I guess not a break but its not as loud. It keeps me distracted (well besides right before/during/after I eat) I spoke to my sponsor today and she said "it seems like you are having good days now, and you havent purged. I think its connected" Well maybe, but I am still doing other ed activites, and yesterday I had a good day and before that was def not good days, so I told her "Im faking it until I make it" Which she then mentioned how sometimes that is what we have to do, but I hate that saying. I feel like when I say it, it's giving me an excuse to lie, to pretend everything is okay, to put on my happy mask...I don't want to anymore. I am tired of acting like everything is ok when its not. I want to be able to say "I am hurt my father left me", "I am hurt that I was taken advantage of", "My first real boyfriend didn't care about me or his wife and kids he just cared about him and what he wanted", "I am hurt when I feel like my mom would chose her boyfriend over her daughter" "I am pissed off about what ed took from me, that I had to take time off school, that I had to move, etc" or, "I have cancer"....but nope. everything is fine. IT'S NOT, and since when is it not okay to feel like shit or be mad or whatever about things? It's not fair. I have a right to feel bad, to be pissed about how my life is being lived. I have a right and I am TIRED of acting like everything is okay! But I can't say a word. My lips are forever sealed for that make believe family. The family who has no issues. The fake family you see on TV. That is how I was raised. To hide everything that is going on in the inside from the outside. I mean I get it, I do but it's not right. It shouldnt have to be this way. Honestly whose family has no issues at all? NONE? I have yet to find one so why must we always put on this show...its not reality and the only ones we are fooling is ourselves. Clearly acting fine, and like everything is okay, everything tightly bottled up isn't working for me. I feel like I have this meter, where I have a limit of how much info or emotions I can hold and I am just about over that limit, if Im not already, where everything is just about to pop out, let the world into my world, let them take a glimpse then as soon as you let it out tightly squeeze everything back in and hope that nobody was listening.
Then the next moment, I see a slimquick diet commerical. And they have a 25lb challenge, well I said outloud (whoops) maybe I should try that =/ I know I can't, I know my team would kill me but that's ed for you. I didn't have work today, for medical reasons and I hate it, I mean I don't love my job but while I am at work my head takes a break. well I guess not a break but its not as loud. It keeps me distracted (well besides right before/during/after I eat) I spoke to my sponsor today and she said "it seems like you are having good days now, and you havent purged. I think its connected" Well maybe, but I am still doing other ed activites, and yesterday I had a good day and before that was def not good days, so I told her "Im faking it until I make it" Which she then mentioned how sometimes that is what we have to do, but I hate that saying. I feel like when I say it, it's giving me an excuse to lie, to pretend everything is okay, to put on my happy mask...I don't want to anymore. I am tired of acting like everything is ok when its not. I want to be able to say "I am hurt my father left me", "I am hurt that I was taken advantage of", "My first real boyfriend didn't care about me or his wife and kids he just cared about him and what he wanted", "I am hurt when I feel like my mom would chose her boyfriend over her daughter" "I am pissed off about what ed took from me, that I had to take time off school, that I had to move, etc" or, "I have cancer"....but nope. everything is fine. IT'S NOT, and since when is it not okay to feel like shit or be mad or whatever about things? It's not fair. I have a right to feel bad, to be pissed about how my life is being lived. I have a right and I am TIRED of acting like everything is okay! But I can't say a word. My lips are forever sealed for that make believe family. The family who has no issues. The fake family you see on TV. That is how I was raised. To hide everything that is going on in the inside from the outside. I mean I get it, I do but it's not right. It shouldnt have to be this way. Honestly whose family has no issues at all? NONE? I have yet to find one so why must we always put on this show...its not reality and the only ones we are fooling is ourselves. Clearly acting fine, and like everything is okay, everything tightly bottled up isn't working for me. I feel like I have this meter, where I have a limit of how much info or emotions I can hold and I am just about over that limit, if Im not already, where everything is just about to pop out, let the world into my world, let them take a glimpse then as soon as you let it out tightly squeeze everything back in and hope that nobody was listening.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Considering the circumstances...a good day whattt?
Today I had therapy. Which like always, I was honest, and I told her about Friday night. She decided that taking my meds away from me is a good idea. So I have to text her tomarrow telling her what meds I have, and how many pills (to keep me accountable) and bring them to her next Monday. Then I suggest bringing my razor blade in too. Then I freaked out. I told her, "Just because I held it to my throat not too long ago, not to keep me from cutting, I am not going to stop cutting" She said thats okay, baby steps, and we will continue to work on finding other ways to deal with emotions. Then, stupid me tells her how much I have been purging before sessions and she suggests that on Monday (next time I see her) that instead, I go into her office and talk about it. She also said "but if you feel like you can't do it, I will let you go to the bathroom and purge just try to do something about it before hand" So that is comforting a little awkward as I feel like she will come to the bathroom with me and then I won't be able to. And ed will say "shes okay with it... now its like easy access" I just couldn't seem to stay focused. I have a lot on my mind, and I was all over the place. I was looking around the room like it was my first time in there. She had to say my name in every sentence to get my attention back. Then asked, "Are you okay? Is something on your mind that you need to talk about? You seem distant" I said no, but in reality umm yea things are on my mind that I should talk about but in the end if I talk about it it makes it my reality, and I don't want to face that this is happening all over again.
Today I became honest with myself. I admitted to myself, that I have had binges. Maybe not a binge considered to others but I would def consider it a binge. Not recently but I have, and I think I denied it for so long because im anorexic and its embarrassing and shameful. I wrote in my journal, so denise will read all about that next week...
Then I was at work, and a girl comes up to me and says, "Do you have a problem with eating? you're weird with food" I was like "uhhh who told you?" She said, "No its just your like super picky and healthy when it comes to food and you pick it apart its just not normal, and your super thin, so I just put things together" Which was good and bad. It's like "Shit I am not doing a good job at hiding it anymore" Then it became a praise in a way, like "See you're doing awesome, people know you are so thin that they think/realize you have a problem" Kinda sick but thats my head for you. I also got a comment on my age, someone said I look 12. someone else said 19..I was like nope 22. They were like "GET OUT" hmm lol ok? OHHH and someone was talking about their daughter having a 9lb baby, and this jerk says, "Better keep that baby on a diet" SERIOUSLY? I mean I know he didn't mean anything by it but honestly like its a newborn and thats what you are going to say? No wonder eds develop at a young age anymore. The baby isn't related to me and I wanted to jump across the table. But he was rude in general, was taking everyone's lunch and being demanding about it saying "Hey give me some of that" and being inpatient about it tapping his paper towel to get their attention..Super annoying, I said here have mine and leave them alone and walked away. haha Like you are a grown ass man, be polite, respectful, bring your own food. holy cow!
Work was actaully good today, I was goofing around with John a lot and rumors spread that he is my boyfriend (which no offense not my type) So it made things go by pretty fast, until...I had a seizure. Which was a good night because I wasn't running the machines so i was far from any danger...They sent me home early, (930 instead of 11) and told me to take tomarrow off. which is okay I guess I mean I am missing a pay, but tomarrow is going to be crazy anyway with stupid appointments.
Today I became honest with myself. I admitted to myself, that I have had binges. Maybe not a binge considered to others but I would def consider it a binge. Not recently but I have, and I think I denied it for so long because im anorexic and its embarrassing and shameful. I wrote in my journal, so denise will read all about that next week...
Then I was at work, and a girl comes up to me and says, "Do you have a problem with eating? you're weird with food" I was like "uhhh who told you?" She said, "No its just your like super picky and healthy when it comes to food and you pick it apart its just not normal, and your super thin, so I just put things together" Which was good and bad. It's like "Shit I am not doing a good job at hiding it anymore" Then it became a praise in a way, like "See you're doing awesome, people know you are so thin that they think/realize you have a problem" Kinda sick but thats my head for you. I also got a comment on my age, someone said I look 12. someone else said 19..I was like nope 22. They were like "GET OUT" hmm lol ok? OHHH and someone was talking about their daughter having a 9lb baby, and this jerk says, "Better keep that baby on a diet" SERIOUSLY? I mean I know he didn't mean anything by it but honestly like its a newborn and thats what you are going to say? No wonder eds develop at a young age anymore. The baby isn't related to me and I wanted to jump across the table. But he was rude in general, was taking everyone's lunch and being demanding about it saying "Hey give me some of that" and being inpatient about it tapping his paper towel to get their attention..Super annoying, I said here have mine and leave them alone and walked away. haha Like you are a grown ass man, be polite, respectful, bring your own food. holy cow!
Work was actaully good today, I was goofing around with John a lot and rumors spread that he is my boyfriend (which no offense not my type) So it made things go by pretty fast, until...I had a seizure. Which was a good night because I wasn't running the machines so i was far from any danger...They sent me home early, (930 instead of 11) and told me to take tomarrow off. which is okay I guess I mean I am missing a pay, but tomarrow is going to be crazy anyway with stupid appointments.
Tonight, I refuse to cry.
My head has been a bit of a mess lately. Which is making me act like a crazy person. Seriously having trantums like I am 2 years old. Nit picking at everything. EVERYTHING getting to me. It's really annoying because its ruining all the relationships I have left. Though I did work on a relationship tonight, told her what is actaully going on with me and though she understands where I am coming from now, I feel like it's an excuse which wasn't wasnt my intention. Like just because of this I am acting this way and thats not the case. I dont want to use this as an excuse. So I am beating myself up for even saying anything. I didnt even think about it I mean its been on my mind but when we were talking I was having a trantrum and it just came out. Isn't that what you call a Freudelin (however you spell it) slip? I dont know I mean I know our relationship will never be what it once was but i dont think it is what it has been this past week. I mean I dont feel like she hates me anymore. I talked to her tonight without crying or cutting tonight still going to be taking a break for a little while as I have my issues to deal with and she has hers. Ive been having conflicted feelings, like on top of everything else this was bothering me. Obviously if you read my last post haha. This chicka is like a big sister to me. And I really didn't want to let go. I don't want to. I don't get this close with anyone. really I have only gotten this close with Val (old therapist who had to quit due to her anorexia and me connecting with her so much because "she knew how to do it right") This chick and one other girl...Y'all know who you are. Anyway, enough about that ...
I talked to my old dance teacher tonight, and it reallllly made me miss dance. She was asking about my ED, how im doing. And we were talking about her's. She is doing amazing, and she never went to treatment or therapy or anything, which to me is like a miracle. I mean ive been to treatment. Ive been to hospitals. Ive been in therapy for how many years now? AND still I am struggling. Part of the convo ed decided to jump in:
- did you think i was fat then?
- No but I knew something wasn't right with you. That was most apparent
- how did you know something was wrong?
- Because I said something about a costume. I said u needed a small as opposed to an xsmall so u quit. I said it because u were too TALL for an xsmall, regardless of how it was around ur waist.
- oh gosh you remember that huh im sorry i took it as im a fatty i seriously thought I was the biggest one there. still something i need to work on i guess.
Dance was something that ALWAYS meant a lot to me. I can't believe I let ed take that away from me because of a STUPID COMMENT. LIKE SERIOUSLY? I remember when she first told me that she has an ed, she cried, and how she talked about it I thought she was lying about it. But tonight how she talked about it I was like shit this is for real. Which sucks but I am so glad that I have one more support person. I mean one who understands. I remember when I told her what was going on, I ended up staying at the studio for a half and hour to an hour after to "help miss lisa close up" When in reality we sat and talked. We got close, but I don't think I every let her in. I mean I shared with her but I was always paranoid that she would say something as this was before college so I never sat down and told my mom that I needed help at this time. So I remember always saying "Don't say anything to..." im sure I was annoying but i think she was the one person at the time who I felt like I could talk to, she was the only one who knew well besides my high school's assumptions. And I think she knew that. I remember one time I was walking out of the studio after ballet class and she said "Hey stef can you stay to lock up with me" Turns out she knew I something was off then too. I remember calling the studio one time, and Miss Lynn answered and I asked Is Miss lisa there, she said yes but she is teaching a class right now. I said will she be able to talk tonight she said YES but she is teaching right now. SO I said Just ask her she will know what I am talking about lol...Then my dance recital. MY BIG DANCE RECITAL. the year I went en point. I remember doing my hip hop routine and as I am coming off stage Miss Lisa runs to me and hugs me and says its my best performance yet though I looked like a ghost with the stage lights on me. Told me I needed to eat. I said I can't. I am nervous and my IBS will get worse if there is food in it...So I went back on stage for ballet and yup...I pass out. I remember we were in a a circle holding the other girls arms as we lifted our legs and I lost my balance and Allie noticed and really grabbed onto me. So the routine was a bit off but I managed to finished and pass out the second I got off stage haha.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
A friend that will last a lifetime (that isn't ed)
I honestly can't express how much Trina means to me. Friday night I was a wee bit sucidal, she came on facebook like perfect timing and I talked to her for a little bit then we went on skype until 4 am my time. I told her what was going on. I cried. Which she knew and I looked away because I HATE crying in front of others. I feel like when I do I am a weak person. I am vulnerable. The thing is I don't think she cared. I think she would want me to let the tears out rather than just putting on my happy mask with her. When I turned away from looking at her she told me to look at her. haha. She is very non judgemental. she listened to why I was so upset and tried to calm me down but she also tried to understand the other person's point of view. Which she did help. A lot, it might not seem like it because I did act out a bit but honestly I wouldn't of stopped myself when I did if I haven't talked to her that night. She also cried, told me what an impact I had on her and can't stand not talking to me the next day. It took like an hour for her to convince me to call or text her anytime if the urges get worse. Which this woman is impossible. I told her I would try but I don't want to wake her, She said she didn't care and "try" isn't good enough haha. (which trina if you read this...i like this about you) She wanted me to promise her, and I just couldn't do it. I wanted to but I just couldn't What if I broke that promise? I told her I really want to be able to tell you what you want to hear, but thus far I have been honest you and I don't want that changing...Anyway we ended up making a plan that I would text her and then call the TAPP line then call her if that doesn't work...well it didn't really work out that way. My uncle heard me crying and sat in the other room with the lights off. (NO idea he was in there) and when we "hung" up on skype, he was talking to me and ended up taking the situation out of my hands. So sorry trina that I didn't text you =/
I think I've been living in my past a lot lately (which Joy will kill me if she knew this haha as she always tells me not to). I have a lot of memories in my head about my ex and about my dad. I can't seem to escape them. No matter how hard I try. I came to realize that I can't change people no matter how much I want to. I can't and it sucks. I also realized that people change over time, and I'm expecting things to be the same when clearly they aren't. I don't handle change well I guess, or maybe its ed way of keeping me isolated. Who knows.
I feel very misunderstood which I know that is my fault. I say everything the wrong way. I do everything wrong. I am just not in a good place right now. And if I were to open to let people understand what is going on with me I am sure they would understand...But I can't dare do it. I can't open myself up like that. It would be easier to hurt me and its already pretty easy to do that. I don't know how they would react, and I don't want people changing how they are with me. I want them to be real I want them to understand sure, but I don't want their pity. So for now, my secret shall remain a secret and I will have to do this on my own.
I am sitting here trying to eat my snack, as I did sort of restrict today, (SEE TRYING), anyway, Cole decides to message me on skype. (my molestor or whatever you would consider what he did to me) and I freeze. Immediately my hands start shaking, and my heart begins to race. I don't reply back but still. I know he has power over me, he could say one thing to me and I would fall into pieces. I want to know what the hell he wants but I know I can't handle it. To even see him log on makes me nervous. Anyway, of course ed pops in and says, "Do you know exactly how many calories is in what you are eating? you dont have to, the dogs are right here give it to them, nobody is watching" And now I want to. It is a lot of calories, well for me..and I don't know how to get over this, right now...
I think I've been living in my past a lot lately (which Joy will kill me if she knew this haha as she always tells me not to). I have a lot of memories in my head about my ex and about my dad. I can't seem to escape them. No matter how hard I try. I came to realize that I can't change people no matter how much I want to. I can't and it sucks. I also realized that people change over time, and I'm expecting things to be the same when clearly they aren't. I don't handle change well I guess, or maybe its ed way of keeping me isolated. Who knows.
I feel very misunderstood which I know that is my fault. I say everything the wrong way. I do everything wrong. I am just not in a good place right now. And if I were to open to let people understand what is going on with me I am sure they would understand...But I can't dare do it. I can't open myself up like that. It would be easier to hurt me and its already pretty easy to do that. I don't know how they would react, and I don't want people changing how they are with me. I want them to be real I want them to understand sure, but I don't want their pity. So for now, my secret shall remain a secret and I will have to do this on my own.
I am sitting here trying to eat my snack, as I did sort of restrict today, (SEE TRYING), anyway, Cole decides to message me on skype. (my molestor or whatever you would consider what he did to me) and I freeze. Immediately my hands start shaking, and my heart begins to race. I don't reply back but still. I know he has power over me, he could say one thing to me and I would fall into pieces. I want to know what the hell he wants but I know I can't handle it. To even see him log on makes me nervous. Anyway, of course ed pops in and says, "Do you know exactly how many calories is in what you are eating? you dont have to, the dogs are right here give it to them, nobody is watching" And now I want to. It is a lot of calories, well for me..and I don't know how to get over this, right now...
Saturday, January 14, 2012
done
Ok it's a known fact that I have abandonment issues. even if that is not the case if you say you need a break from me im sorry that is what i related it too. I have a father who left me. A parent should never leave their child. And everytime someone leaves even if its tempority that is how I feel. Like I did something wrong for them to leave. And all I do is be honest. I know that is wrong but its just how I feel.
I care about others more than I care about myself and for someone to sit there and question that if I care about them or not hits hard. It means im not doing a good job and showing them that but I think I need some slack as I was not shown that I was cared or loved about when i was growing up. I am trying.
I know I am triggering. But I can't do this to myself anymore. So im thinking i just need to stop talking. stop breathing. I am single handly ruining all the relationships i have left. And I can't deal with getting hurt anymore. I just dont think trying a wack at life isnt worth it anymore is all I am doing is triggering others and im getting hurt, bringing others down with me. And everything I say being taken the wrong way. i just i can't do it anymore. im sorry, this isn't because of you as I know you are going to take this that way its just something for me. Its to take away and to keep away the pain.
I care about others more than I care about myself and for someone to sit there and question that if I care about them or not hits hard. It means im not doing a good job and showing them that but I think I need some slack as I was not shown that I was cared or loved about when i was growing up. I am trying.
I know I am triggering. But I can't do this to myself anymore. So im thinking i just need to stop talking. stop breathing. I am single handly ruining all the relationships i have left. And I can't deal with getting hurt anymore. I just dont think trying a wack at life isnt worth it anymore is all I am doing is triggering others and im getting hurt, bringing others down with me. And everything I say being taken the wrong way. i just i can't do it anymore. im sorry, this isn't because of you as I know you are going to take this that way its just something for me. Its to take away and to keep away the pain.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Joy
I ended up going to my Nutritonist yesterday though I didn't want to because I thought I lost weight...yea didn't I gained 6lbs!!!! SIX POUNDS, how? I am not sure...I did kinda freak out. Which Joy tried to calm me down by saying that was I am not actually that weight, and its a good thing and when I purge so much there is a fluid shift I asked her if she promised that and she said "I can't promise, I have seen this before though and when you are not purging I will be able to better predict your body" =/ I just dont get it. It's pissing me off too. Which I tell her I want to lose and she says "Honey you have nothing to lose, your low, and I am worried about you medically" I said, "Well I think I can afford to lose some, but okay" haha So that kinda of turned into "No you can't" "yes I can" thing for about 5 mins. She said my goal weight is crazy to think about getting there, when I told her I would like to lose 15 more and then I will be good, then I can stop. She said yea until you get there and want to lose 5 more and 5 more.
Then I tell her that I have had a headache for the past two days (now three) where its to the point where I might not go into to work. I bend my head down and it makes it a lot worse and I bend a lot at work I told her I took Tylnol (which I dont take meds at all because i dont know if there is calories in it so you know im in pain) and Joy said that it wouldn't help...she overreacted. Said it was either dehydration and was asking about my urine color. Or low blood sugar. Why can't it be just a headache, why does everything have to go back to ed. Why cant a headache just be a headache???
Then I told her how I am moving in a few months. She wasn't so happy about that. Says I can't stop my treatment. As I told her when I move I will get a new therapist as everyone is really pushing for that, but I think I can go without a nutritionist as I am not listening to her anyway. She said it takes time. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to start doing it. I know you hear me, and understand but ed gets in the way. So She said she knows some good nutritonists down where I am moving then she also suggested me seeing her once a month (which is cut back as I am seeing her once a week right now) I just looked at her. I am sorry I like you, but no way in hell am I going to 3 hours there for a half an hour appointment to drive 3 hours back home...just not happening.
Then I tell her that I have had a headache for the past two days (now three) where its to the point where I might not go into to work. I bend my head down and it makes it a lot worse and I bend a lot at work I told her I took Tylnol (which I dont take meds at all because i dont know if there is calories in it so you know im in pain) and Joy said that it wouldn't help...she overreacted. Said it was either dehydration and was asking about my urine color. Or low blood sugar. Why can't it be just a headache, why does everything have to go back to ed. Why cant a headache just be a headache???
Then I told her how I am moving in a few months. She wasn't so happy about that. Says I can't stop my treatment. As I told her when I move I will get a new therapist as everyone is really pushing for that, but I think I can go without a nutritionist as I am not listening to her anyway. She said it takes time. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to start doing it. I know you hear me, and understand but ed gets in the way. So She said she knows some good nutritonists down where I am moving then she also suggested me seeing her once a month (which is cut back as I am seeing her once a week right now) I just looked at her. I am sorry I like you, but no way in hell am I going to 3 hours there for a half an hour appointment to drive 3 hours back home...just not happening.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Therapy
Well today I feel therapy actually did something for me. (more so than usual)
We didn't talk about treatment. So that was good, I was kind of mad at denise when I first walked in because I was going to purge but she went to the bathroom. So I went in her office and she said, "Why aren't you looking at me" Haha so I told her, "well I was going to purge but then I saw you walking in the bathroom and thought 'damnit denise'" haha
We somewhat talked about Cole (molestation) but I got quiet and I assume she realized that it's still a touchy subject to actually talk about, and she dropped it and talked about work.
I also shared my letter to my dad with her. And she said it's appriate and maybe will give me some relief. I don't know what to do, I don't want to start more things with him. I don't think he will respond to it but if he does I see it being a fight. But I told denise, "I think I have enough respect for him still to tell him in a letter why I won't be calling anymore, rather than feeling like I am ignoring him" Then I shared it with my aunt and she wants me to send it. So to my readers...what do you think I should do???
Here's what I wrote,
Dad,
I'm not sure why we aren't talking. I know the reasons why I stopped calling. I tried to make things work. I've made plans over and over again to get blown off each time, and every time it hits hard. So I'm wondering if it worth my recovery, my health anymore. I know we didn't talk over the holidays, because I didn't call, but a phone can work both ways. It is not just my responsibilty to reach out to you, you can pick up the phone and call me once in a while...holidays or not. When you didn't wish me a happy birthday (which if it is because I didn't call on Thanksgiving, is very immature) I know it's not that big of a deal to you, but it is to me. Not getting a birthday wish from a parent was like you didn't want me born. Or you forgot about me, or both. I know you are going to blame me for how our relationship has turned out as last time I confronted you at renfrew you said I was just like my sister and im ruining things...but honestly look at the facts. How is it everyone else when you don't talk to anyone? Your kids, your brother, and your mom...I really hope you open your eyes soon. You are missing out on your children's lives, your grandkid's life, and time is running out with your mom. Normally I would just let this go and bottle it up, but you effect more people than you realize. Your mom sat here and cried for hours when she received your holiday card because she knows, "Can't wait to see you soon" isn't going to happen. I still want my dad, I always will and I thought something was wrong with me, but seeing how you effect your mom I know it's not. I just really hope you come to your senses, before it's too late
Until things change
Stefanie
Suggestions would be much appricatated =)
Update...the letter is in the mailbox...not saying it will be there still tomarrow morning but i guess that is still a step forward
Work...work was boring. All people are talking about is this layoff thing, which I am trying very hard not to worry about it until it happens. As I don't know if Ill be effected...but anyway work was boring. My boss wasn't in so nothing was accomplised which is effecting my self worth tonight.
So I was talking to someone tonight, and she was asking me what im doing to stay so thin, and stupidly I tell her the truth and she says, "I should do that too then" Which well I felt like she was taking over my ed.like stealing it from me. But then I felt guilt. Like if she does what I do, and something happens to her...it's my fault. I feel so stupid like I should have known when she was asking questions about foods I eat what my weight is, etc.
We didn't talk about treatment. So that was good, I was kind of mad at denise when I first walked in because I was going to purge but she went to the bathroom. So I went in her office and she said, "Why aren't you looking at me" Haha so I told her, "well I was going to purge but then I saw you walking in the bathroom and thought 'damnit denise'" haha
We somewhat talked about Cole (molestation) but I got quiet and I assume she realized that it's still a touchy subject to actually talk about, and she dropped it and talked about work.
I also shared my letter to my dad with her. And she said it's appriate and maybe will give me some relief. I don't know what to do, I don't want to start more things with him. I don't think he will respond to it but if he does I see it being a fight. But I told denise, "I think I have enough respect for him still to tell him in a letter why I won't be calling anymore, rather than feeling like I am ignoring him" Then I shared it with my aunt and she wants me to send it. So to my readers...what do you think I should do???
Here's what I wrote,
Dad,
I'm not sure why we aren't talking. I know the reasons why I stopped calling. I tried to make things work. I've made plans over and over again to get blown off each time, and every time it hits hard. So I'm wondering if it worth my recovery, my health anymore. I know we didn't talk over the holidays, because I didn't call, but a phone can work both ways. It is not just my responsibilty to reach out to you, you can pick up the phone and call me once in a while...holidays or not. When you didn't wish me a happy birthday (which if it is because I didn't call on Thanksgiving, is very immature) I know it's not that big of a deal to you, but it is to me. Not getting a birthday wish from a parent was like you didn't want me born. Or you forgot about me, or both. I know you are going to blame me for how our relationship has turned out as last time I confronted you at renfrew you said I was just like my sister and im ruining things...but honestly look at the facts. How is it everyone else when you don't talk to anyone? Your kids, your brother, and your mom...I really hope you open your eyes soon. You are missing out on your children's lives, your grandkid's life, and time is running out with your mom. Normally I would just let this go and bottle it up, but you effect more people than you realize. Your mom sat here and cried for hours when she received your holiday card because she knows, "Can't wait to see you soon" isn't going to happen. I still want my dad, I always will and I thought something was wrong with me, but seeing how you effect your mom I know it's not. I just really hope you come to your senses, before it's too late
Until things change
Stefanie
Suggestions would be much appricatated =)
Update...the letter is in the mailbox...not saying it will be there still tomarrow morning but i guess that is still a step forward
Work...work was boring. All people are talking about is this layoff thing, which I am trying very hard not to worry about it until it happens. As I don't know if Ill be effected...but anyway work was boring. My boss wasn't in so nothing was accomplised which is effecting my self worth tonight.
So I was talking to someone tonight, and she was asking me what im doing to stay so thin, and stupidly I tell her the truth and she says, "I should do that too then" Which well I felt like she was taking over my ed.like stealing it from me. But then I felt guilt. Like if she does what I do, and something happens to her...it's my fault. I feel so stupid like I should have known when she was asking questions about foods I eat what my weight is, etc.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
updates
So I saw Joy on Thursday, And she made a comment for me to exercise more, instead of purging. She also said, "I don't think you can do 100 jumping jacks" I said defensively, "Yes I can, I do cardio everynight for 3 hours" Well it's been playing with my head, so I texted her last night asking if she doesn't think I can because im not in shape...she texted back. "No I said I can't. And I dont really want you doing that, as your not eating enough to maintain a good sugar level, and I worry about you passing out" So ed really twists things around...and I know I posted about the baby being a motivator and doing well now so it's not as hard when I move...it's not working out. Ed convinced me to lose more weight now since I won't be able to in a few months =/
Anyway, update on moving, my sister is looking for a house with a finished basement that will be my area. So that is pretty cool.
We are having a lot of people getting laid off at work. And I am a temp which my cousin says, temps have to go first before the people who are hired...So I was freaking out last night, thinking what am I going to do as I know I won't be able to get a job right away when I move because of the time of the year. And I still have bills to pay and rent im sure will be higher when i move. So I confronted my boss and he said they have a contract with the union saying if they layoff temps are okay to stay, AND he is fighting for me and one other temp to stay. So that makes me feel really good. But a little guilty as he is fighting for me and not knowing im leaving in a few months.
Then I wrote a letter to my dad. Im not sure exactly why as nobody told me to do it. Now I am debating if I should send it or not and I keep thinking I have to add more etc...if I do it it has to be perfect...as I am not doing this again . I mean I know this letter isn't going to change him. The letter I sent to him when I was Renfrew did nothing. But I know his actions aren't effecting just me. It's effecting a lot more. And that's not okay with me. Like my 86 year old grandmom def does not deserve this. And time with her is limited so I feel like I have to do something. if not for me, for her.
So as you can see, my head is playing a lot of back and forth games lately. I just don't know what to do about a lot of things right now and it's pissing me off =/
Anyway, update on moving, my sister is looking for a house with a finished basement that will be my area. So that is pretty cool.
We are having a lot of people getting laid off at work. And I am a temp which my cousin says, temps have to go first before the people who are hired...So I was freaking out last night, thinking what am I going to do as I know I won't be able to get a job right away when I move because of the time of the year. And I still have bills to pay and rent im sure will be higher when i move. So I confronted my boss and he said they have a contract with the union saying if they layoff temps are okay to stay, AND he is fighting for me and one other temp to stay. So that makes me feel really good. But a little guilty as he is fighting for me and not knowing im leaving in a few months.
Then I wrote a letter to my dad. Im not sure exactly why as nobody told me to do it. Now I am debating if I should send it or not and I keep thinking I have to add more etc...if I do it it has to be perfect...as I am not doing this again . I mean I know this letter isn't going to change him. The letter I sent to him when I was Renfrew did nothing. But I know his actions aren't effecting just me. It's effecting a lot more. And that's not okay with me. Like my 86 year old grandmom def does not deserve this. And time with her is limited so I feel like I have to do something. if not for me, for her.
So as you can see, my head is playing a lot of back and forth games lately. I just don't know what to do about a lot of things right now and it's pissing me off =/
Friday, January 6, 2012
YAY good news after a long horrible week
Well I had a rough morning. I was confronted about purging last night. Then I saw my nutritionist, and that went...ok i guess. I haven't seen her in a month. The only thing that went wrong with the session was how she doesn't want me purging and if I need the endorphines rush than to exercise not purge. She really doesn't want me purging, I was like "I do exercise" I got defenisve, Ed took that as "see she wants you to exercise now because your fat (which she didn't even weigh me) in the end I know its to replace the purge. It's hard to accept it as it is.
Then I go to work, and my sister texts me, "Call me when you can" Immediately I think, "Oh no something happened. Is the baby okay? are you okay?" Well I tell my boss and he lets me walk away to see if its urgent or not. Turns out my sister and her husband are renting out a house and offered me to move in with them. She says my mom and stepdad and will (her husband) think it might be better for me. Of course there are rules, and I have a contract with them, saying if I am in ED i have to leave. Which is scary to be completely 100% ed free. But I think I may want to be in the city, see the baby 24/7 be back near friends, get closer to my life goals, be a 22 yr old more than being/trying to be a certain weight. Ed popped in still, said, "Better lose everything you can now" Then I was standing in the bathroom and I walked out and thought "Why not start being ed free today? I mean I am going to have to when i move, and i rather have the first few rough months here than at home with everyone on my back" So yay i kept dinner in today =)
Then I get home, and talked to my uncle. He says I should make a back up plan in case I do get kicked out (rule is if i slip up once I get kicked out) which my uncle says isn't fair..But he is concerned like if I do get kicked out..then what. So it sounds like If i move back home, he doesn't want me coming back. But hopefully I won't have to worry about that. Hopefully I won't slip up. Then I said, "Okay well I am happy, and first night Im not crying and I am excited and im not going to ruin this, and I have time to think everything through"(they are getting a house in feb/march and want time alone before I move in but I will be there BEFORE/During/after the baby is born) so we ended the converstation with things I need to work on like setting boudries and eating more, etc.
I really think this might be the push I needed. To make me want to do better, and being closer to it. It just gives me such much hope and something to look forward to, which I have been lacking lately...
Then I go to work, and my sister texts me, "Call me when you can" Immediately I think, "Oh no something happened. Is the baby okay? are you okay?" Well I tell my boss and he lets me walk away to see if its urgent or not. Turns out my sister and her husband are renting out a house and offered me to move in with them. She says my mom and stepdad and will (her husband) think it might be better for me. Of course there are rules, and I have a contract with them, saying if I am in ED i have to leave. Which is scary to be completely 100% ed free. But I think I may want to be in the city, see the baby 24/7 be back near friends, get closer to my life goals, be a 22 yr old more than being/trying to be a certain weight. Ed popped in still, said, "Better lose everything you can now" Then I was standing in the bathroom and I walked out and thought "Why not start being ed free today? I mean I am going to have to when i move, and i rather have the first few rough months here than at home with everyone on my back" So yay i kept dinner in today =)
Then I get home, and talked to my uncle. He says I should make a back up plan in case I do get kicked out (rule is if i slip up once I get kicked out) which my uncle says isn't fair..But he is concerned like if I do get kicked out..then what. So it sounds like If i move back home, he doesn't want me coming back. But hopefully I won't have to worry about that. Hopefully I won't slip up. Then I said, "Okay well I am happy, and first night Im not crying and I am excited and im not going to ruin this, and I have time to think everything through"(they are getting a house in feb/march and want time alone before I move in but I will be there BEFORE/During/after the baby is born) so we ended the converstation with things I need to work on like setting boudries and eating more, etc.
I really think this might be the push I needed. To make me want to do better, and being closer to it. It just gives me such much hope and something to look forward to, which I have been lacking lately...
Thursday, January 5, 2012
It is what it is....(trigger warning)
So my uncle confronted me today. So I already feel like this day isn't going to not so much fun...
My cousin walked in when I was purging last night and told my uncle about it. Of course ed finds a creative lie to cover itself up. I said, "I was blowing my nose and throw it in the toilet(when she saw I was facing that way) and the bathroom smelled like vomit because there is a bug going around, everyone seems to be sick." He said but it smelled like your drink" I said, "Well last time I purged (or was caught purging) I told you the truth why wouldn't I now?" Then he started talking about me being home, how if the food isn't made for me, and placed in front of me, how I wouldn't eat. I said, "I was home last week, most of the time by myself and I did" Which I did, I mean I still restricted but I did eat...My meal plan right now, is restricted, I know it is because my nutritionist doesn't want to give me the plan I should actaully eat because she is trying to ease me into things and is trying to lessen the amount of times I purge. But I did follow my plan when I was home for the most part...Then my uncle is concerned because he knows something is bothering me as I am crying a lot. But I don't know what to tell him because I don't know what is making me cry. And he says, "I think something happened, because you quit smoking and now you are back to smoking, you were doing so well" Well yes ok I know, I do want to stop again, but with everything going on, it's another stress remover. I don't really like smoking, but it makes me feel like I can breath again. I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like when someone has concerns they don't say anything until they have to many concerns. I think they should come to me with one at a time, not all of them at once, because it's overwhelming for me and I am the one who is trying to get better. And the feeling, of not being accepted or not being good enough comes up which is always hard to deal with.
...so now I am feeling guilty that I lied and how do I make that go away?? I use ed again. Anyway, it's non of her business. It's my body. It's my ed. People need to back off. I mean I get that she was concerned, but seriously then come to me about it, don't go telling everyone else, than me waking up to a lecture and ruin the next day too. So I am thinking of confronting my cousin but that just make matters worse, as my uncle im not sure totally believes the lie. And getting that defensive and mad will just make him read more into it.
Anyway I can see now that ed is being defensive and that is why I am pissed. I mean I know they know I am struggling, they have for a while now. I just hate being confronted about it. And I hate being talked about. Like if you have an issue or concerns for me, then grow up and talk to me, don't tell on me...
My cousin walked in when I was purging last night and told my uncle about it. Of course ed finds a creative lie to cover itself up. I said, "I was blowing my nose and throw it in the toilet(when she saw I was facing that way) and the bathroom smelled like vomit because there is a bug going around, everyone seems to be sick." He said but it smelled like your drink" I said, "Well last time I purged (or was caught purging) I told you the truth why wouldn't I now?" Then he started talking about me being home, how if the food isn't made for me, and placed in front of me, how I wouldn't eat. I said, "I was home last week, most of the time by myself and I did" Which I did, I mean I still restricted but I did eat...My meal plan right now, is restricted, I know it is because my nutritionist doesn't want to give me the plan I should actaully eat because she is trying to ease me into things and is trying to lessen the amount of times I purge. But I did follow my plan when I was home for the most part...Then my uncle is concerned because he knows something is bothering me as I am crying a lot. But I don't know what to tell him because I don't know what is making me cry. And he says, "I think something happened, because you quit smoking and now you are back to smoking, you were doing so well" Well yes ok I know, I do want to stop again, but with everything going on, it's another stress remover. I don't really like smoking, but it makes me feel like I can breath again. I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like when someone has concerns they don't say anything until they have to many concerns. I think they should come to me with one at a time, not all of them at once, because it's overwhelming for me and I am the one who is trying to get better. And the feeling, of not being accepted or not being good enough comes up which is always hard to deal with.
...so now I am feeling guilty that I lied and how do I make that go away?? I use ed again. Anyway, it's non of her business. It's my body. It's my ed. People need to back off. I mean I get that she was concerned, but seriously then come to me about it, don't go telling everyone else, than me waking up to a lecture and ruin the next day too. So I am thinking of confronting my cousin but that just make matters worse, as my uncle im not sure totally believes the lie. And getting that defensive and mad will just make him read more into it.
Anyway I can see now that ed is being defensive and that is why I am pissed. I mean I know they know I am struggling, they have for a while now. I just hate being confronted about it. And I hate being talked about. Like if you have an issue or concerns for me, then grow up and talk to me, don't tell on me...
round and round again
Here we go again. Went to work and cried...again. Seriously why am I crying so much. i don't know but it's annoying. I talked to my mom today and I feel like I am just not good enough for her. With everything. I just want to be accepted. For where I am in my so called disease. She wants me to be normal, and I want to be normal to but it't just no possible. I won't be normal. I have a ed. She expects me to never have a bad day which just isn't fair to me. I just feel like her expectations are too high. This whole converstation started when I asked, " will I be able to be home when the baby is born?" She didn't say yes, she didn't say no. It is my sister's first baby, I HAVE to be there. So i cried. my sister happened to call me and said I need to be there, so maybe i could stay at her place for a few weeks. So I can see before/durning/after. I just feel like that little girl or boy isn't going to know who their aunt is, because im too selfish to get better and let go of ed.
Anyway...my sister is looking like is having a girl. Still too soon to know, but the heartbeat is 174/min which is high and higher heartbeats tend to be girls =) and it's healthy she is due august 14th. Names will be Adrianna Corinne, or Gullimero (spanish for william) but will be called Jr. And I was the first one to see pictures of the ultrasound =) I am sooo excited. It is one thing I need to have hope in.
Anyway...my sister is looking like is having a girl. Still too soon to know, but the heartbeat is 174/min which is high and higher heartbeats tend to be girls =) and it's healthy she is due august 14th. Names will be Adrianna Corinne, or Gullimero (spanish for william) but will be called Jr. And I was the first one to see pictures of the ultrasound =) I am sooo excited. It is one thing I need to have hope in.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Aunt Lou
Can I just say I HATE CANCER????
My aunt passed away from cancer. Cancer takes away all the people who shouldn't die. Not saying people deserve to die, but she didn't want to die. Some people do. I think I should have died, not her. And here I am, feeling a tremedous amount of guilt for not going to her funeral, because I was "too sick" Seriously I am sick...sick in the head. Who doesn't go to a funeral because your too selfish?? I do =/ Anyway, she didn't want us to know. Nobody knew she had cancer because she didn't want pity (which people do tend to teach you differently if they know you have a disease of some sort..talking from experience) so nobody knew until her last month with us. And we only knew because she was in the hospital.
She was such an incredible woman .So strong, just the fact that she was dealing with this on her own, had to be extremely hard, to feel alone, for people not knowing or understanding why you are so tired all the time. Last time I saw her, (yup "too sick" to see her in the hospital too) was at her house. She was full of joy. Had this relaxing water fountain that she was excited about. And she let me pick something of her's to keep. And I picked this bunny stuff animal, dressed in green. Well the dogs here thought it was a new toy and I FREAKED OUT. luckily it wasn't ruined. That's all I have from her. That's it. Just this silly stuffed animal to remember this incredible amazingly strong woman.
Anyway, tears are rolling. I just wanted to say, I HATE cancer, and
I MISS YOU AUNT LOU <3 I hope you rest in peace I LOVE YOU!
My aunt passed away from cancer. Cancer takes away all the people who shouldn't die. Not saying people deserve to die, but she didn't want to die. Some people do. I think I should have died, not her. And here I am, feeling a tremedous amount of guilt for not going to her funeral, because I was "too sick" Seriously I am sick...sick in the head. Who doesn't go to a funeral because your too selfish?? I do =/ Anyway, she didn't want us to know. Nobody knew she had cancer because she didn't want pity (which people do tend to teach you differently if they know you have a disease of some sort..talking from experience) so nobody knew until her last month with us. And we only knew because she was in the hospital.
She was such an incredible woman .So strong, just the fact that she was dealing with this on her own, had to be extremely hard, to feel alone, for people not knowing or understanding why you are so tired all the time. Last time I saw her, (yup "too sick" to see her in the hospital too) was at her house. She was full of joy. Had this relaxing water fountain that she was excited about. And she let me pick something of her's to keep. And I picked this bunny stuff animal, dressed in green. Well the dogs here thought it was a new toy and I FREAKED OUT. luckily it wasn't ruined. That's all I have from her. That's it. Just this silly stuffed animal to remember this incredible amazingly strong woman.
Anyway, tears are rolling. I just wanted to say, I HATE cancer, and
I MISS YOU AUNT LOU <3 I hope you rest in peace I LOVE YOU!
Back to work, I go
hmm today. Where to start. Well I went back to work today, though my therapist mentioned me not going back for right now...And yea, kinda a bad idea. I don't know what is going on with my body but my heart was racing. My boss looked at me and checked my pulse so he let me sit down haha. So I texted my nutritonist and she says "Low electrolytes, please don't purge tonight, it's not a good idea to do it tonight if you heart is giving you signs that it isn't happy with you" Which I didn't well not tonight, I did earlier in the day. But it's weird my heart only raced when I was standing. I sat down I was fine. I stood up and it just wouldn't go away. It's rather annoying. So I texted my sponsor who is a doctor and she pretty much said the same thing =/ I have also been having weird pains. Like my knees now throb. And when I go to lay down, my feet feel so heavy and numb, best way to explain it is a detached feeling. My sponsor says this is also because of low electrolytes =/
Anyway at work everyone told me how I was missed. How when I was gone, the place didn't look clean haha. And I shared with everyone that my sister is having a baby, and Ryan says, "What, you're pregnant?" I shot him a look and said, "Do I look pregnant???" which I took the wrong way he was asking because I don't look pregnant which is good I guess because im not haha. Then ed had a roll, and I started a conversation on how I wish I was taller, because Im too short and taller people carry the weight better...yea he said "Honey from my eyes your not carrying any weight at all so I wouldn't worry about it" haha
It's really frustrating how one conversation about anything ed jumps right in and takes over =/
Then at work. I start crying!!!! Right there where everyone can see, but thankfully nobody noticed...I started crying (yea I know AGAIN CRYING?) because of what else??? My dad. I want to tell him how he is going to be a grand dad because i think he should know. And my sister and him don't talk. And how when he found out that she got married he was mad because nobody told him. So I was debating if I should or not. And honestly no. Im not. It's not my place to do so, also it would make me connect to him when I haven't talked to him for a while which sucks, but deeeeeeepp down I know its for the best, and if he wanted to know what was/is going on with our lives he can pick up the damn phone and call us too. I mean I have called him, but I am not the only one who keeps it going. A relationship takes work from both ends. SO that put me in a bad spot because i just want my dad. I want him to care about me, to think "what is she up today" I want him to walk me down the aisle to just be there. but it's not and I am having a hard time accepting it. I feel like the reins are in my hands and I am the one who needs to fix things but then again he doesn't talk to anyone anymore. Me, my sister, HIS MOM, his brother or sisters. Nobody. Then I thought, "if someone doesn't want to be in my life, it's their loss" Then I thought, "not really" I mean honestly, I am needy, selfish, annoying, talk too much confused girl...what exactly does one lose if I am not in their life? So there I was, crying at work and I remembered how Trina was crying on skype and on the phone with me and for me. And I know that she would feel a loss if I wasn't there anymore. IF something happened to me or our relationship, (because she has to get to 101 and I have to be 92 =P) and it was very calming. It actually helped a lot. To know that she feels for me, cares enough to cry for me. To set her alarm to talk to me in the morning. to come to me when she needs to vent. It had a HUGE factor in me choosing NOT to cut tonight. I love ya girly <3
I also realized how much I work. How many hours I work, how much I accomplish at work, it determines my self worth. So when I don't do well at work, or don't have as many hours then my self worth goes down. I am working a full time job so my hours are pretty stable, but the work, if the machine is down and i don't get much done, i beat myself up for it. Not that it's my fault that the machine isn't working but still. I was a manager at Dairy Queen for two years, then I went to treatment and came back to the store being a mess. Went back to treatment came home and the store was closed. So i feel like it's my fault, because I wasn't able to pull the store back together because I was selfish trying and failing on getting better. I was gone this past week at work and I come back to everyone saying they knew i wasn't working because the place wasn't clean. Which is a good feeling but I feel like I put too much pressure on myself to be the best at everything. For people to NEED me, to be recognized. So because of those postive comments I feel like it's up to me to keep the place clean. There are quite a few others who work there but nope, it's just my job to keep the whole warehouse clean, even the areas where I don't work at. Plus to do my job on top of that. Like get the boxes together, pack them, clean, Do shipping. I am constantly running around and everyone says i Look like im on speed haha. but it's up to me. Today would have been nice to relax some and take a breather once in a while because of my heart, but no work is more important...don't want people looking down on you because you stop moving for 2 seconds...seems like i have to get my priorities straight. but how??
Anyway at work everyone told me how I was missed. How when I was gone, the place didn't look clean haha. And I shared with everyone that my sister is having a baby, and Ryan says, "What, you're pregnant?" I shot him a look and said, "Do I look pregnant???" which I took the wrong way he was asking because I don't look pregnant which is good I guess because im not haha. Then ed had a roll, and I started a conversation on how I wish I was taller, because Im too short and taller people carry the weight better...yea he said "Honey from my eyes your not carrying any weight at all so I wouldn't worry about it" haha
It's really frustrating how one conversation about anything ed jumps right in and takes over =/
Then at work. I start crying!!!! Right there where everyone can see, but thankfully nobody noticed...I started crying (yea I know AGAIN CRYING?) because of what else??? My dad. I want to tell him how he is going to be a grand dad because i think he should know. And my sister and him don't talk. And how when he found out that she got married he was mad because nobody told him. So I was debating if I should or not. And honestly no. Im not. It's not my place to do so, also it would make me connect to him when I haven't talked to him for a while which sucks, but deeeeeeepp down I know its for the best, and if he wanted to know what was/is going on with our lives he can pick up the damn phone and call us too. I mean I have called him, but I am not the only one who keeps it going. A relationship takes work from both ends. SO that put me in a bad spot because i just want my dad. I want him to care about me, to think "what is she up today" I want him to walk me down the aisle to just be there. but it's not and I am having a hard time accepting it. I feel like the reins are in my hands and I am the one who needs to fix things but then again he doesn't talk to anyone anymore. Me, my sister, HIS MOM, his brother or sisters. Nobody. Then I thought, "if someone doesn't want to be in my life, it's their loss" Then I thought, "not really" I mean honestly, I am needy, selfish, annoying, talk too much confused girl...what exactly does one lose if I am not in their life? So there I was, crying at work and I remembered how Trina was crying on skype and on the phone with me and for me. And I know that she would feel a loss if I wasn't there anymore. IF something happened to me or our relationship, (because she has to get to 101 and I have to be 92 =P) and it was very calming. It actually helped a lot. To know that she feels for me, cares enough to cry for me. To set her alarm to talk to me in the morning. to come to me when she needs to vent. It had a HUGE factor in me choosing NOT to cut tonight. I love ya girly <3
I also realized how much I work. How many hours I work, how much I accomplish at work, it determines my self worth. So when I don't do well at work, or don't have as many hours then my self worth goes down. I am working a full time job so my hours are pretty stable, but the work, if the machine is down and i don't get much done, i beat myself up for it. Not that it's my fault that the machine isn't working but still. I was a manager at Dairy Queen for two years, then I went to treatment and came back to the store being a mess. Went back to treatment came home and the store was closed. So i feel like it's my fault, because I wasn't able to pull the store back together because I was selfish trying and failing on getting better. I was gone this past week at work and I come back to everyone saying they knew i wasn't working because the place wasn't clean. Which is a good feeling but I feel like I put too much pressure on myself to be the best at everything. For people to NEED me, to be recognized. So because of those postive comments I feel like it's up to me to keep the place clean. There are quite a few others who work there but nope, it's just my job to keep the whole warehouse clean, even the areas where I don't work at. Plus to do my job on top of that. Like get the boxes together, pack them, clean, Do shipping. I am constantly running around and everyone says i Look like im on speed haha. but it's up to me. Today would have been nice to relax some and take a breather once in a while because of my heart, but no work is more important...don't want people looking down on you because you stop moving for 2 seconds...seems like i have to get my priorities straight. but how??
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Just babbling....
It hit me last night, that I am trying to do everything humanly possible to not be like my dad, and I am exactly like him. He's an alcoholic, i'm a anorexic (both addictions), he shut out everyone in his life, and I am in the process of doing that. He has issues with anger, I have issues with anger, different ways but both revolving around anger and lost of control. Overall yesterday I had an okay day. I mean the day wasn't that great with some discussions I had but the night was okay, then i go to lay in bed and all these thoughts come up and make me cry again. I hate trying to sleep, hints why I kinda suck at falling asleep, the thoughts when i lay down, nothing to distract me, I dont know how to make those thoughts disappear and they hit hard at night. I talked to my sponsor about it and she said, "it's the center of the ice berg, you have to melt the behaviors for that to go away. And to learn to accept yourself" Okay but I don't feel like I can stop the behaviors until I work on the center issues. Not the other way around. That's what I hate everyone is expecting me to stop the behaviors then work on the issues but I feel like I wont be able to stop until the issues are resolved. I mean I think that is logical, I have an ed because of the inner issues, so it would be logical to work on those first right? My old therapist said though, that she understood, but I wouldn't be able to actaully work on the inner issues if I was still in my ed, because my brain doesn't function the same way, so though we would talk about it, it wouldn't be processed in my head. So in the end, that makes me feel stuck =/
I was also thinking about perfectionism.. I have a huge issue with this. I strived in school to get the best grades, to be the best dancer, the best singer, best...well you get the point. But I also think my recovery should be perfect. To just one day decide not to be in my ed anymore and never restrict or purge again. I feel like once I am in recovery, there's no going back. Which is ideal I know but is it reality? I'm not so sure. So I think I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. And I am letting the fear of relapsing and not being perfect in recovery like even if I am in recovery but i slip up once is not okay. Anyway those fears are holding me back on getting better. I know it's all or nothing, black or white thinking, but I don't know how to think differently. Which I also talked to my sponsor about, and this perfectionism and black and white thinking is also part of my ed. It's all connected in a way, that I didn't even know. I thought it was just me, not my disease.
Anyway, I am just babbling but thought is would help some if I wrote things down rather than letting it unravel in my head.
I also don't think I should set new year's resolutions. If I don't meet my goals, I am going to feel like a failure. But I can't not do it...Howy was on ellen today and he says, "Set goals that were already accomplished so by next year you already have it accomplished so you don't beat yourself up for it" Clever, but I don't think thats the point..Anyway....
1. Move back home (perferably by 6 months so I can see my sister's baby as a baby)
2.Get my liscense (which requires me to be seizure free so that leads to...)
3. Be healthy.
4. Pay off my student loan
5. Get my own apartment.
6. Get medically approved to go back to school.
Maybe I should set more realistic goals. Or not as many. But those are things I really want and I would really like to have in a year.
I was also thinking about perfectionism.. I have a huge issue with this. I strived in school to get the best grades, to be the best dancer, the best singer, best...well you get the point. But I also think my recovery should be perfect. To just one day decide not to be in my ed anymore and never restrict or purge again. I feel like once I am in recovery, there's no going back. Which is ideal I know but is it reality? I'm not so sure. So I think I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. And I am letting the fear of relapsing and not being perfect in recovery like even if I am in recovery but i slip up once is not okay. Anyway those fears are holding me back on getting better. I know it's all or nothing, black or white thinking, but I don't know how to think differently. Which I also talked to my sponsor about, and this perfectionism and black and white thinking is also part of my ed. It's all connected in a way, that I didn't even know. I thought it was just me, not my disease.
Anyway, I am just babbling but thought is would help some if I wrote things down rather than letting it unravel in my head.
I also don't think I should set new year's resolutions. If I don't meet my goals, I am going to feel like a failure. But I can't not do it...Howy was on ellen today and he says, "Set goals that were already accomplished so by next year you already have it accomplished so you don't beat yourself up for it" Clever, but I don't think thats the point..Anyway....
1. Move back home (perferably by 6 months so I can see my sister's baby as a baby)
2.Get my liscense (which requires me to be seizure free so that leads to...)
3. Be healthy.
4. Pay off my student loan
5. Get my own apartment.
6. Get medically approved to go back to school.
Maybe I should set more realistic goals. Or not as many. But those are things I really want and I would really like to have in a year.
Monday, January 2, 2012
For those of you who say I am triggering...don't read this...
I am so tired of hearing about treatment. I had therapy today and we talked about 1. Treatment (not happening) 2. Switching therapists (again not happening) and 3. Not working (catch on yet???...not happening)
Then I said, "I think treatment would benefit me some, but I don't want to gain weight" And I told her how Joy freaked out when I lost a pound. ONE pound. How I kept saying, "it's not that big of a deal it's just on pound" Her thing is, "Well it's a big deal when I don't want you losing, I want you gaining" And then Denise mentioned how I freak out if I gain one pound. So she kinda threw that in my face to realize that me gaining one pound in my eyes is just as scary in Joy's eyes when I lose one pound. Denise def had some talking to ed today. Which I guess is good. and kinda expected considering where I am at in my struggle. So I am sure she had some fun today haha.
We also had a talk on my body. How one second I said, " I know I lost weight, I can see my bones in my chest now" And how "Everyone is worried about me because of my pictures, but honestly I don't see it, I don't know why they are so concerned I don't look that bad in person...my mom freaked out because I didn't wear the best clothing while I was home and she made me take off my hoodie and 'could see all bones in my back'" She then said, "Well hun, you just said you can see your bones in your chest, you are too thin, and in pictures we tend to look bigger than what we are in person..." I don't think ill be taking pictures anytime soon now haha. And I know this is sick, I even said it to denise, "I know this is sick, but I like seeing my bones, I feel like I accomplished something, like ed is patting me on the back saying 'job well done', but it only last for a second before he tells me that I need to lose more, that the bones aren't popped out as much as they could be" I don't know I know its crazy but it's how i think. I mean I think sometimes, that I do look thin in my pictures but it't not like over the top thin.
Anyway, sorry. Just a bit nuts when it comes to my body =/ My head is constantly spinning and I don't know how to make it stop, so whenever you guys find the answer, let me in on the secret, ok?
Then I said, "I think treatment would benefit me some, but I don't want to gain weight" And I told her how Joy freaked out when I lost a pound. ONE pound. How I kept saying, "it's not that big of a deal it's just on pound" Her thing is, "Well it's a big deal when I don't want you losing, I want you gaining" And then Denise mentioned how I freak out if I gain one pound. So she kinda threw that in my face to realize that me gaining one pound in my eyes is just as scary in Joy's eyes when I lose one pound. Denise def had some talking to ed today. Which I guess is good. and kinda expected considering where I am at in my struggle. So I am sure she had some fun today haha.
We also had a talk on my body. How one second I said, " I know I lost weight, I can see my bones in my chest now" And how "Everyone is worried about me because of my pictures, but honestly I don't see it, I don't know why they are so concerned I don't look that bad in person...my mom freaked out because I didn't wear the best clothing while I was home and she made me take off my hoodie and 'could see all bones in my back'" She then said, "Well hun, you just said you can see your bones in your chest, you are too thin, and in pictures we tend to look bigger than what we are in person..." I don't think ill be taking pictures anytime soon now haha. And I know this is sick, I even said it to denise, "I know this is sick, but I like seeing my bones, I feel like I accomplished something, like ed is patting me on the back saying 'job well done', but it only last for a second before he tells me that I need to lose more, that the bones aren't popped out as much as they could be" I don't know I know its crazy but it's how i think. I mean I think sometimes, that I do look thin in my pictures but it't not like over the top thin.Anyway, sorry. Just a bit nuts when it comes to my body =/ My head is constantly spinning and I don't know how to make it stop, so whenever you guys find the answer, let me in on the secret, ok?
Sunday, January 1, 2012
"Dad" is a special word...
Here it is. Here is the man that changed me. Here is the man who left me not caring how much it would screw me up.Here is the man who beat me. Here is the man who is my father. See I say "father" because I feel the distant. He is my father, he is not my dad. Dad is a special word, and I don't think he deserves that title. A father is someone who helped create you. A dad is someone who is there for everything. Who sees everything, who hears his kid cry...This man was never there for me. Christ sake, I remember my highschool graduation, seeing him leave before my name was even called. I remember him never being there for school awards (mainly science yes i was/am a geek) I remember him telling me he would be there for my dance, horseback riding, cheerleading, or girl scout events...he never was.All I remember from him is being terrified of him. Of being hit, then him leaving. I never remember a good time with him. Now I feel like I am making this more than what it is. I am sure I have had some good times with him, it's just I don't remember it. How could you when for the most part you were in tears. I remember begging my mom to let me stay home on the weekends i was suppose to go to his house (parents are divorced) I remember her calling him a lot saying, "Stefanie is sick" "Stefanie has a sleepover" or "Stefanie has a girl scout thing she really wants to go to" Then he left. I guess I should just get over it. I mean when he was around I never wanted to see him, but now that he's not, now that it's his decision it's a problem? Maybe it is me. I can never be happy. He is around I don't want to see him, then he's not around and I feel abandoned. You honestly can't win with me. I am difficult.
Don't get me wrong, I love him a lot. I love him to the point where I am literally killing myself to get his attention. To get his love. When I was at Renfrew I did a phone session with him. Which I was anxious about for a week. But I knew that I needed to let things out so I can move on. I confronted the abuse, and he denied it. I mean it's one thing to make a mistake and feel guilty about it but it's another thing to make a mistake and deny that it ever happened. How are you going to sit there and tell me that I am making it up, that you never touched me when that is all i remember? So needless to say, Jessica (therapist) ended the call and I ran down and called my mom in tears, asking if it really did happen? A few days later, a woman Mary-Ann suggested writing a letter to him but not sending it. And for some reason, I let her read it when I does and she went on her own to mail it! That didn't go over too well...I guess that is why I have a hard time admitting my feelings, my thoughts, because they are just going to get denied anyway. So then I beat myself up, "Why do you think this way, Stefanie???"
Anyway, I keep telling myself that I am done, that I can no longer deal with it, to find myself curled up in a ball on the phone dialing his number. I don't know why I can't let go. I know, he is my dad but obviously he doesnt care if im in his life so why should I? Why should I try? Why should i kill myself for someone who doesnt even notice? This is actually the longest I have gone without talking to him. Maybe two months now? maybe longer? Last time we talked is when he blew me off for a weekend plan. Then he didn't call on my Birthday and for the first year I didn't call on Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Years. I feel bad, but everyone keeps telling me that it's not my responsibility to always call him...
"Giving up on you"
So I feel like a lot of people are giving up on me. Like everytime I turn my head.
It was brought to my attention how Joy wants me to focus on having "better bad days". I thought it was to help me through this process. To make me feel better knowing that I won't wake up one day and be fully recovered. To just expect it to happen.(which I still think this is how it should happen for me-yup just for me, everyone else i know has to work at it everyday) Well according to this one person, it's because, "They are giving up on you". So I was in a bit of a shock when they said that. I know you are telling me how it is, but what if that isn't what it is? Is that suppose to make me feel better? To know that how i feel is true? If how I feel is true, than...ed enough said?? haha. I am so confused. I mean i would like to think that what I think is true. But at the same time, if it were true than im screwed. If it is true than I am fat, ugly, stupid, ungrateful, fat, etc
So I am offically confused more than ever and I'm sure I got my readers (whoever you are) confused with me now haha
It was brought to my attention how Joy wants me to focus on having "better bad days". I thought it was to help me through this process. To make me feel better knowing that I won't wake up one day and be fully recovered. To just expect it to happen.(which I still think this is how it should happen for me-yup just for me, everyone else i know has to work at it everyday) Well according to this one person, it's because, "They are giving up on you". So I was in a bit of a shock when they said that. I know you are telling me how it is, but what if that isn't what it is? Is that suppose to make me feel better? To know that how i feel is true? If how I feel is true, than...ed enough said?? haha. I am so confused. I mean i would like to think that what I think is true. But at the same time, if it were true than im screwed. If it is true than I am fat, ugly, stupid, ungrateful, fat, etc
So I am offically confused more than ever and I'm sure I got my readers (whoever you are) confused with me now haha
Saturday, December 31, 2011
New Year's I'll never forget =/
I am not sure I even want to write this. To open up to everyone in the world. So I might not post this. I know I need to let this out though. Today is my one year of... whatever you even want to call it. I had this little encounter with my friend's boyfriend. Though everyone else tells me it is considered molesatation. I think i keep telling myself that it's not. But I keep randomly spacing out, thinking about it and crying. Which crying lately isn't a new thing for me. I am such a weak person. I thought I was so much stronger than this. Yet I can't control these tears. I can't talk about this, it just makes the tears worse. I mean I am crying writing this but it's different, nobody is listening to me sob while I do. Nobody can see how digusting my face looks right now. My eyes, I think are offically red and swollen from nonstop crying (well non stop since wednesday) I told Kim that I needed to write and of course I don't have my journal...
I can't seem to stop thinking about that night. Looking at pictures from that night. Going over and over in my head the conversations we had. How he kept saying, "I don't think you mind" Over and over again when I kept saying no, this isn't okay. But doing nothing, about it, just laying there in the back of his jeep shaking. Shaking from the cold, or shaking from being terrified, i'm not sure which. How he acted like he was curious how my underweight body was different from a healthy body. How he kept fighting with Cassandra about her coming with us to drop me off at home, err well a friend's house (as my mom had already kicked me out by this point), he didn't want her there because of "all the crazy drivers and if something happened, he wouldn't be able to live with it"<This picture was taken before it happened. I know I should just erase all the pictures I have of that night. Erase the proof. Erase it from memory, but see this is where ed comes in. I was sick, fresh out of treatment (well sort of I got out of Laureate Oct 28th) and relapsed the day I returned home. So from Oct 28th to Dec 31st...you could lose a lot of weight. Anyway, I can't delete this picture because I miss my body. I look "so thin" in them and I need to "look like this again" So I can't. Ed won't let me..Ed won't let me do a lot of things. See in the picture how I am wearing a hoodie, well not just because of the time of year, I always have a hoodie on. Always. Even my sponsor comments on that one. Hoodie's cover me. They cover my fat. People can't see. Which my sponsor says is symbolic for hiding myself. No really, I don't like my body and having a hoodie on helps hide it.
Back on topic, how did I handle tonight? I cried. I wrote, but nothing takes it away... but one thing. ed. So I purged. And I got the relief I wanted. The tears stopped, the memories are vague. I was able to finish writing this without crying. That is what ed does for me. That is why, or a big reason why (as there are many reasons) that I can't let ed go. He is the ONLY thing that can make something go away. He takes away all the pain and the hurt and the tears. He makes me strong again. He just makes everything okay.
"YOU ARE A FAKER"
People piss me off...which if you know me, you know actaully admitting that I am pissed is a big deal. I don't do anger. My dad was always violent so I connect the two. Therefore I am not allowed to feel any type of anger. Other wise I am just like him. I know I am not a big fan of myself, but I will not let myself be like him. I deserve better...call me selfish but I do. Anyway, anger, don't do it. period. Everyone tells me that I need to work on this "because it's normal to be angry" (which if you haven't noticed...im not "normal"). Okay, well I do get frustrated and annoyed, isn't that a type of anger? Why can't that count? I can't do anger, anytime I feel a slightest hint of it is when I cut myself. I would rather hurt myself than anyone else. I hurt myself anyway.
Anyway, that was off topic. haha Today I got an email saying someone commented on a video of mine on Youtube...So i click on the link (so annoying to do so, by the way if you use your phone) This person "vivvid" says "YOU ARE A FAKER" it was a comment made on a video when I shared my story with my anorexia. Now I try to comment back, saying just how much this comment is screwing with my head to find out that he/she/it has deleted their account or has blocked me...So what the hell was the point? Im not sure. Quite frankly it really pissed me off. Not only because you are a coward for saying something and then going all out to avoid what reply you know would come. But because I wish I was faking! I wish I could just stop. If i were faking I would be able to stop, but I can't...it is also playing with my head, saying "See you're not thin enough. People think you are lying about your eating disorder. now you really have to prove it to them" GAHHH logically I know I am stuck. I am deeply struggling. Majorly.I even had a brief (BREIF) moment where I realized that I do need to gain weight (then 2 seconds later my theighs gained 20lbs haha) But then a comment like this is made, and everything logical fades and ed takes over. This person I don't even know made me so upset. I took my laxatives out and poured it out into my hand (an amount for overdose). I sat there for a good few mins crying, imagining everyone's reaction then thinking, "It won't kill me and i want to do this right" So i put them back. Not saying this comment got me that depressed, but the fact that my ed is the only thing I am good at, that is mine, and sometimes even at that I fail. Anyway, I knew I needed to do something, and don't ask me how in the world I got away with doing this, but I exercised. Like a lot. few hours worth. Yea right now, I am not suppose to. But I guess that is ed for you, he knows how to be sneaky and get away with things. and if I were caught Im sure he would come up with an excuse (caught at laureate I said, "my back hurts, im just stretching"...yea they didnt fall for it haha) But I was also pissed off because opening up and sharing your story about anything is hard. It takes courage! I don't share with anyone (my mom does it for me haha) but I actaully have only shared with a few people and it took me about 6 months for me to share about a minute in my support group. It's hard. You are opening yourself up. You are vulnerable. You have trust issues than this A-hole makes a comment and its like ok shut out again. I'm being judged. they don't understand. im just crazy.
Oh then my uncle tells me, "negitive calories is a myth" It was on a tv show....well that's just great, tell that to an anorexic who all her "safe foods" are "negitive calories" seriously like why would you tell me that? haha I mean I am glad he did but like aren't I struggling enough already? Now I have to figure out the truth from my nutritionist and if that is the case then I don't know what I will do, I don't know what my "safe foods" would be. I probably wouldn't have any =/
People are idiots. =/
Anyway, that was off topic. haha Today I got an email saying someone commented on a video of mine on Youtube...So i click on the link (so annoying to do so, by the way if you use your phone) This person "vivvid" says "YOU ARE A FAKER" it was a comment made on a video when I shared my story with my anorexia. Now I try to comment back, saying just how much this comment is screwing with my head to find out that he/she/it has deleted their account or has blocked me...So what the hell was the point? Im not sure. Quite frankly it really pissed me off. Not only because you are a coward for saying something and then going all out to avoid what reply you know would come. But because I wish I was faking! I wish I could just stop. If i were faking I would be able to stop, but I can't...it is also playing with my head, saying "See you're not thin enough. People think you are lying about your eating disorder. now you really have to prove it to them" GAHHH logically I know I am stuck. I am deeply struggling. Majorly.I even had a brief (BREIF) moment where I realized that I do need to gain weight (then 2 seconds later my theighs gained 20lbs haha) But then a comment like this is made, and everything logical fades and ed takes over. This person I don't even know made me so upset. I took my laxatives out and poured it out into my hand (an amount for overdose). I sat there for a good few mins crying, imagining everyone's reaction then thinking, "It won't kill me and i want to do this right" So i put them back. Not saying this comment got me that depressed, but the fact that my ed is the only thing I am good at, that is mine, and sometimes even at that I fail. Anyway, I knew I needed to do something, and don't ask me how in the world I got away with doing this, but I exercised. Like a lot. few hours worth. Yea right now, I am not suppose to. But I guess that is ed for you, he knows how to be sneaky and get away with things. and if I were caught Im sure he would come up with an excuse (caught at laureate I said, "my back hurts, im just stretching"...yea they didnt fall for it haha) But I was also pissed off because opening up and sharing your story about anything is hard. It takes courage! I don't share with anyone (my mom does it for me haha) but I actaully have only shared with a few people and it took me about 6 months for me to share about a minute in my support group. It's hard. You are opening yourself up. You are vulnerable. You have trust issues than this A-hole makes a comment and its like ok shut out again. I'm being judged. they don't understand. im just crazy.
Oh then my uncle tells me, "negitive calories is a myth" It was on a tv show....well that's just great, tell that to an anorexic who all her "safe foods" are "negitive calories" seriously like why would you tell me that? haha I mean I am glad he did but like aren't I struggling enough already? Now I have to figure out the truth from my nutritionist and if that is the case then I don't know what I will do, I don't know what my "safe foods" would be. I probably wouldn't have any =/
People are idiots. =/
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements...even if it leads nowhere?
I had a brief moment where I was hidden under blankets sitting next to the vent which heat flowed out off, plus layers on and a cup of hot coco that made me think, "Maybe I do need to gain weight"...Then two seconds later my theighs gained 20lbs. Not literally but it sure does feel like it. I actaully ended up taking my pants off because i couldn't stand the look of my legs in them anymore. And, you know, emotional things come up, ed JUMPS right in to distract you, so i focus on my body and not the problem... I have been an emotional wreck lately. I hate goodbyes and leaving. So I was crying about that and the fact that I am nowhere near where/wanted to be/do with my life.
So today I found out that my sister is pregnant. 3 months. I'm not going to make this about me, but i have to say this one thing...i was home for a week and you couldn't tell me then? you had to wait a day after i left to call? But I refuse REFUSE to not be a part of this baby's life. I want that baby knowing who I am. I want to be there for everything. I already told my sister that I will be watching him/her 24/7 haha. So that gives me 6 more months to convince my mom to let me move back in. it's been a year that I haven't lived there so hopefully it can change.
I also had therapy today. (which not having it in person is very difficult) I took what she said the wrong way.She said, "i didnt mean you have control about that but about the decision to want to go forward and make your health and wellness a priority because that is a mentality, a desire that would allow the attitude of fight and perserverance needed. as we had said inpast that if you turned all your time, energy, effort and thoughts to that versus maintaining the unhealthy eating behaviors you would surely be on a path to victory!"
So I lashed out (yea i know im doing that a lot lately) and told her, "you know I am trying. It's hard though. I try and take time to go to my appointments to do what jen wants me to do to do what you and joy want me to do but i can't. I cannot control my thoughts they just get louder and louder and wont go away until i listen to them" Then she explained more and at the very end she said, "move forward in a more productive way" So I just stopped. I was getting upset and last night I cried for two hours and I was in no mood to start crying again. She caught on though. Told me to stay connected, distract myself, write, etc.
So I felt this was a nice way of saying, what i am doing to try to get better isn't good enough. I mean i don't know. I know im not in recovery, I am struggling a lot but that doesn't mean i'm not trying. I am trying but it's just hard. and scary. and lonely. I make an effort to call my sponsor everyday. I try to make all my appointments. I have been reaching out during times I want to purge or I am having trouble eating (shout out to Joy and Jill for helping me through those times) I know now, this isn't what she meant, I have made the connection that I was home, and when I am home, I always feel like I am not good enough. That where I am isn't perfect and not where it should be. I always have to do more. Be better. Be stronger. Pretty much be everything BUT me =/
So today I found out that my sister is pregnant. 3 months. I'm not going to make this about me, but i have to say this one thing...i was home for a week and you couldn't tell me then? you had to wait a day after i left to call? But I refuse REFUSE to not be a part of this baby's life. I want that baby knowing who I am. I want to be there for everything. I already told my sister that I will be watching him/her 24/7 haha. So that gives me 6 more months to convince my mom to let me move back in. it's been a year that I haven't lived there so hopefully it can change.
I also had therapy today. (which not having it in person is very difficult) I took what she said the wrong way.She said, "i didnt mean you have control about that but about the decision to want to go forward and make your health and wellness a priority because that is a mentality, a desire that would allow the attitude of fight and perserverance needed. as we had said inpast that if you turned all your time, energy, effort and thoughts to that versus maintaining the unhealthy eating behaviors you would surely be on a path to victory!"
So I lashed out (yea i know im doing that a lot lately) and told her, "you know I am trying. It's hard though. I try and take time to go to my appointments to do what jen wants me to do to do what you and joy want me to do but i can't. I cannot control my thoughts they just get louder and louder and wont go away until i listen to them" Then she explained more and at the very end she said, "move forward in a more productive way" So I just stopped. I was getting upset and last night I cried for two hours and I was in no mood to start crying again. She caught on though. Told me to stay connected, distract myself, write, etc.
So I felt this was a nice way of saying, what i am doing to try to get better isn't good enough. I mean i don't know. I know im not in recovery, I am struggling a lot but that doesn't mean i'm not trying. I am trying but it's just hard. and scary. and lonely. I make an effort to call my sponsor everyday. I try to make all my appointments. I have been reaching out during times I want to purge or I am having trouble eating (shout out to Joy and Jill for helping me through those times) I know now, this isn't what she meant, I have made the connection that I was home, and when I am home, I always feel like I am not good enough. That where I am isn't perfect and not where it should be. I always have to do more. Be better. Be stronger. Pretty much be everything BUT me =/
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
My head is in a cluttered room haha
So as y'all know I am in a frantic mode..
My head is spinning and I can't make it stop. It just goes on and on and on. I feel like I am on the circle thing on the playgrounds that you spin on (kinda like a tea-cup ride but no seats) but only I am standing still...er well trying to.(as I am very fidgety lately) Anyway my head is spinning with constant thoughts that I can't turn off. The list of things I still need to do, where I need to get in my life,where as a 22 year old I should already be at or have in my life, how to change. eww change =P The things that are wrong with me, the things I still need to work on and process. It just goes on and on. It's not a fun place to be.
I don't want to leave. I don't want to pack. I know this place where I am now isn't good for me but I don't want to leave. I don't want to in a way start all over. Reboot myself. I don't have the energy to. Packing makes everything real. That yet yet again I have to leave home. Who knows when i'll be back. I'm scared. No, I am terrified of change. To change my way of living. This is how I lived for 8 years. That is a long time. I am so accustomed to this way of living and telling me that I need to change when this life has worked for, protected me, is like asking a 5 month old on tying their shoes. They don't know how. They need help. Scared of failing. Scared of disappointing everyone around them (okay well maybe not a 5 month old) That's where I am. I am scared not only of changing but I am scared of the unknown, where this new "life" will take me, where it will lead me, What if it leads to my goals in life, what if it doesn't. What if nobody likes the healthy me, what If I don't. (I already don't like myself so what if that feeling gets worse?) What if my fear of being better and nobody has a reason to care/love me is true? What if I do all this hard work and I relapse. It would all be for nothing. I will be stuck at just the place I am at right now. Yea I know a lot of "what if's" the unknown is a scary place to go. I know that quote, "faith is taking a step even when you don't see the rest of the staircase" But honestly, who in their right mind would take a step when they can't see where they are going? (Favorite quote to my therapist at laureate by the way)
I guess I don't even know what to say. I am confused haha. So I don't even know if I make sense but it makes sense to me. I guess. I guess my point is that I feel like a scared little 14 (yes 14 not 22) year old lost in the dark. I see no light. None. no flicker or dim nothing it's just dark. I am terrified of so many things. Fear of abandonment is def number one tied with fear of change.
Anyway, I just want to give a shout out to my girls...TRINA,JILL, SARAH and MARNIE. I honestly don't know what I would do without you four. I honestly don't know how I did get through before I "met" you. Today was a good wake up call for me. Knowing that I am struggling, knowing that tomarrow is going to be hard and you are all there for me. Nonstop. I don't know how. I know I am a needy person so I don't know how you can be there for me and still be there for you. It amazes me. I have never felt so much love before in my life. Reaching out to me, checking in with me. It's such an amazing feeling, and means more to me than you realize.
Trina just the fact that you are WILLING to get up early in the morning to talk to me, IS HUGE. I feel bad because you really don't have to get up (which still saying that we can talk when you natuarally wake up-no alarm) And then arguing with me when I say no, you need your sleep and saying you don't care.That I am more important than sleep at the moment (the times I was sucidal) The fact that you allowed me to cry on skype tonight. I don't show my emotion to anyone, seriously the one time I cried in front of Denise I blew it off and looked away and changed subjects. You just let me be (not saying denise wouldn't allow me but I guess i'm still not that comfortable with her yet to do so). Let me cry. It was okay. I always feel like crying makes me this weak person. I can't control my feelings and I am embarrassing myself and making others uncomfortable. But with you it was different. Sure, as you noticed I got embarrassed but you kept saying, "It's okay to cry, it will be okay" So the first time I actaully felt like I had a reason to be allowed to cry that it wouldn't mean that I am a weak person. It just was it was it was. Like it's normal to cry, like I am not some crazy person. The fact that over and over again you have said to me that you are not going anywhere, even when I try to push you away, you will always have a place in my heart. For you reaching out to me and showing me that you are comfortable with me (examples not shared for your privacy). We just connect and you get me. You totally get me. You make me laugh, and i love that you don't care of being "quirky" How all you want is to be happy and have fun. How giving you are. How you took over my typos (you honestly didn't think I wouldn't throw that in there did ya??? =P)
Jill you just always amazed me. You are such a strong woman. You have so much strength and courage. You are brave and a true inspiration and I am very proud of you. I know I always have you. I can always go to you and even if it's something stupid or small you realize that it's not stupid and small to me, and you listen like actaully listen for hours if that's what I need. Always have a listening ear, and when I get upset and you know it you try to make things better. Tonight, for christ sake you drove out to a mall to have privacy to be able to talk to me! You have texted my sponsor and my uncle when I told you about my sucide attempts not once not twice, but a lot of times. You are always the one person who checks in with me EVERY SINGLE DAY, everyday. The only one! I love that! How you stayed up past your bedtime to chat with me tonight, how you express when you are worried about me, how you make sure i am safe, how you express your honest opinion and tell me how it is, how the minute my facial expression changes or if my texting/messaging is delayed how you ask "is everything ok?, are you okay?"
Sarah you always know how to make me laugh, always bring a smile to my face. It never fails. You are good at distracting me. Checking in with me, reaching out to me, opening up, sharing. And are willing to drive like 2 hours to come see me! My dad won't even do that and you are willing to when you don't even know me in person! How you always have a song to give me to listen for whatever, however I am feeling or struggling with.
Marnie you are always a good support. Always a listening ear. Just tonight, I freaked out and I saw you on and had a little panic attack and you just let me have it and helped me see the positives of things. That some things do suck in my life right now, but to always hold on to hope. "Things always get better, if they don't it's not over yet" (another quote for ya).The fact that you have told me that you take time out of your day to read my blog posts and to listen to a new uploaded video of my singing =)
All of you have showed me that I am cared for, without a doubt I know you all have my back and are all rooting for me and giving me a hand when I fall or catching me when you see me trip. I love you more than you know and more than I can express. Thank you for being there for me
LOVE LOVE LOVE
Stefanie =) (or according to trina "I have to get it right, it would be stef not stefanie" lol)
My head is spinning and I can't make it stop. It just goes on and on and on. I feel like I am on the circle thing on the playgrounds that you spin on (kinda like a tea-cup ride but no seats) but only I am standing still...er well trying to.(as I am very fidgety lately) Anyway my head is spinning with constant thoughts that I can't turn off. The list of things I still need to do, where I need to get in my life,where as a 22 year old I should already be at or have in my life, how to change. eww change =P The things that are wrong with me, the things I still need to work on and process. It just goes on and on. It's not a fun place to be.
I don't want to leave. I don't want to pack. I know this place where I am now isn't good for me but I don't want to leave. I don't want to in a way start all over. Reboot myself. I don't have the energy to. Packing makes everything real. That yet yet again I have to leave home. Who knows when i'll be back. I'm scared. No, I am terrified of change. To change my way of living. This is how I lived for 8 years. That is a long time. I am so accustomed to this way of living and telling me that I need to change when this life has worked for, protected me, is like asking a 5 month old on tying their shoes. They don't know how. They need help. Scared of failing. Scared of disappointing everyone around them (okay well maybe not a 5 month old) That's where I am. I am scared not only of changing but I am scared of the unknown, where this new "life" will take me, where it will lead me, What if it leads to my goals in life, what if it doesn't. What if nobody likes the healthy me, what If I don't. (I already don't like myself so what if that feeling gets worse?) What if my fear of being better and nobody has a reason to care/love me is true? What if I do all this hard work and I relapse. It would all be for nothing. I will be stuck at just the place I am at right now. Yea I know a lot of "what if's" the unknown is a scary place to go. I know that quote, "faith is taking a step even when you don't see the rest of the staircase" But honestly, who in their right mind would take a step when they can't see where they are going? (Favorite quote to my therapist at laureate by the way)
I guess I don't even know what to say. I am confused haha. So I don't even know if I make sense but it makes sense to me. I guess. I guess my point is that I feel like a scared little 14 (yes 14 not 22) year old lost in the dark. I see no light. None. no flicker or dim nothing it's just dark. I am terrified of so many things. Fear of abandonment is def number one tied with fear of change.
Anyway, I just want to give a shout out to my girls...TRINA,JILL, SARAH and MARNIE. I honestly don't know what I would do without you four. I honestly don't know how I did get through before I "met" you. Today was a good wake up call for me. Knowing that I am struggling, knowing that tomarrow is going to be hard and you are all there for me. Nonstop. I don't know how. I know I am a needy person so I don't know how you can be there for me and still be there for you. It amazes me. I have never felt so much love before in my life. Reaching out to me, checking in with me. It's such an amazing feeling, and means more to me than you realize.
Trina just the fact that you are WILLING to get up early in the morning to talk to me, IS HUGE. I feel bad because you really don't have to get up (which still saying that we can talk when you natuarally wake up-no alarm) And then arguing with me when I say no, you need your sleep and saying you don't care.That I am more important than sleep at the moment (the times I was sucidal) The fact that you allowed me to cry on skype tonight. I don't show my emotion to anyone, seriously the one time I cried in front of Denise I blew it off and looked away and changed subjects. You just let me be (not saying denise wouldn't allow me but I guess i'm still not that comfortable with her yet to do so). Let me cry. It was okay. I always feel like crying makes me this weak person. I can't control my feelings and I am embarrassing myself and making others uncomfortable. But with you it was different. Sure, as you noticed I got embarrassed but you kept saying, "It's okay to cry, it will be okay" So the first time I actaully felt like I had a reason to be allowed to cry that it wouldn't mean that I am a weak person. It just was it was it was. Like it's normal to cry, like I am not some crazy person. The fact that over and over again you have said to me that you are not going anywhere, even when I try to push you away, you will always have a place in my heart. For you reaching out to me and showing me that you are comfortable with me (examples not shared for your privacy). We just connect and you get me. You totally get me. You make me laugh, and i love that you don't care of being "quirky" How all you want is to be happy and have fun. How giving you are. How you took over my typos (you honestly didn't think I wouldn't throw that in there did ya??? =P)
Jill you just always amazed me. You are such a strong woman. You have so much strength and courage. You are brave and a true inspiration and I am very proud of you. I know I always have you. I can always go to you and even if it's something stupid or small you realize that it's not stupid and small to me, and you listen like actaully listen for hours if that's what I need. Always have a listening ear, and when I get upset and you know it you try to make things better. Tonight, for christ sake you drove out to a mall to have privacy to be able to talk to me! You have texted my sponsor and my uncle when I told you about my sucide attempts not once not twice, but a lot of times. You are always the one person who checks in with me EVERY SINGLE DAY, everyday. The only one! I love that! How you stayed up past your bedtime to chat with me tonight, how you express when you are worried about me, how you make sure i am safe, how you express your honest opinion and tell me how it is, how the minute my facial expression changes or if my texting/messaging is delayed how you ask "is everything ok?, are you okay?"
Sarah you always know how to make me laugh, always bring a smile to my face. It never fails. You are good at distracting me. Checking in with me, reaching out to me, opening up, sharing. And are willing to drive like 2 hours to come see me! My dad won't even do that and you are willing to when you don't even know me in person! How you always have a song to give me to listen for whatever, however I am feeling or struggling with.
Marnie you are always a good support. Always a listening ear. Just tonight, I freaked out and I saw you on and had a little panic attack and you just let me have it and helped me see the positives of things. That some things do suck in my life right now, but to always hold on to hope. "Things always get better, if they don't it's not over yet" (another quote for ya).The fact that you have told me that you take time out of your day to read my blog posts and to listen to a new uploaded video of my singing =)
All of you have showed me that I am cared for, without a doubt I know you all have my back and are all rooting for me and giving me a hand when I fall or catching me when you see me trip. I love you more than you know and more than I can express. Thank you for being there for me
LOVE LOVE LOVE
Stefanie =) (or according to trina "I have to get it right, it would be stef not stefanie" lol)
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