recovery doesn't mean everyday is easy...

 I don't like to give alot of eye contact with people these days - I'm scared that if they look at me long enough they will see how truly empty I am inside. When I look at myself in the mirror, trying to gaze into my eyes that pose as a happy young woman with no big worries ...I see nothing.  Just blackness.A rickety mannequin has been built by my mind to fuel the facade for those around me that everything is okay.  People don't take the time to look at me long enough to see the deep cracks and bruises that hide within the mask I wear.  Every day I feel like I am suspended blindly in a silent abyss of constant shadow and fog - a certain coldness abounds my being that I am aware of, but don't really feel...All I feel is the dull buzzing of numbness that rattles from inside the cavity of my chest. To my mom,  I am nothing but my eating disorder. All my thoughts and actions are anorexia. I am literally a walking disease. I want to be soooo much more I know I can be, should be, would be if I haven't developed this mind boggling disease. Maybe I am just my eating disorder. I mean everything i do and say are related in someway, living a certain way for 8 years you are bound to be a certain way, right? Am I really that low self-esteemed? a liar? sneaky? I know, I am the one who admitted that I had a problem, and I know that is a huge step in my recovery, but i sometimes feel like it was also the worse mistake I ever made. If I hadn't confessed, then I wouldn't be analyzed under a microscope. I guess im just confused. I try to be honest with everyone and when I am, I get nothing but lectures so i feel like what's the point? I am not allowed to have bad thoughts about myself or im in ed. so then i don't talk and that means im in ed too...so you can see my delimma. I recently fought with my mom, I opened up and told her my body image issues, and she got concerned. I explained that it was just thoughts, and that everyone ed's or no ed's can and do have bad days where they just dont like how they look. and its just not realistic or fair to me to expect me to not have bad days. Not that I want bad days, i just want to be able to have bad days. it's a normal part of life, and if people are expecting this, then im sorry i'm already a disappointment.