I think I need to sit myself down and really think about things. I feel like nobody else cares about their recovery so why should I care about mine? I think i'm trying to find an excuse to make it okay to be in my ed. Well more than what I already am. I know it still has a grip me on me, Monday I barely ate.. and i'm sick and still exercising, which I think is a normal amount but my sponsor doesn't feel that way plus she thinks its an ed thing considering i'm hiding it...only doing it in my room or when everyone is asleep. I'm holding onto that I haven't purged 8 weeks. But I feel that disappearing soon, I keep thinking to myself, well you already screwed up so...or it's just once. Just once...but i know it won't be i know it will take that one time and ill be hooked again and frankly its kinda scary like i don't want to purge to numb out I want to purge to throw up. My sponsor thinks I am second guessing recovery, because I emailed her the other day asking if she cares the same amount when i'm in recovery verses when i'm in ed (besides getting fat this is one major fear for me-that people will stop caring). And I keep asking myself, "Am I really that much happier?" Kind of like asking myself if anything has really changed since i stopped purging. And I know I shouldn't because I am having chest pains lately and i know purging won't help that, but I don't know if I care anymore. It doesn't seem like much has changed. I mean i'm still up here, still not working, still not in school...and I know going back to being full blown in my ed will keep those things away from me but I honestly don't see them coming back to me anyway. I was also looking through some pictures and honestly I don't want to look the way I did before ed. Also I don't want to look like others. Like okay, I'm sorry but my sponsor has 16 years of recovery now and she looks good and she seems happy but I still don't want her body. I mean she's not fat but I just I don't want it for me. And I was looking at Jenni Schaefer and I am glad she got her recovery but it seems scary to me to think that I will be able to say "I had an ed, not have, had" And it's even scarier that I don't want to be able to say that...
Things that I have noticed that are different
1. When something goes wrong it will bother me but not send me into sucidial mode
2. My weight
3. I can stand up for myself
4. According to my Therapist I talk more/set boundries/ask for what I need/better express myself/ and i'm more clear.
Honestly yes I like that fact that i'm not sucidal all the time now, but I absolutely hate my body. Yes I stood up for myself but the times I am thinking about each one I had to be pushed over the limit to do something. It's not like I am standing up for myself the way I should it was just a one time glitch, or rather two time glitch that presented an opportuinity for me to take action... And those are the only changes I notice after 2 months??? And if I'm dying anyway, each day, each second getting closer, i'm just wondering if it's worth it.
You can't move forward with ed holding you back. I know, for me anyway, I have goals I want to accomplish. I dot want to be like this for the rest of my life. Living life with out ed is scary, but living the rest of my life with it, stuck in the same place while other people move forward is scarier. I want to accomplish anything I have always wanted to. But you can't with ed. Stef I know your struggling right now, ed is probably screaming it's head off, but at least you are moving forward. And not stuck.
ReplyDelete