Easter

Easter was pretty rough. I went to a family BBQ...which my mom asked if  I wanted to go but I was forced to go, because staying home alone was considered isolation...so why ask if I want to go? Anyway, I haven't seen my family in about 3 years because I was always in treatment. So going from not seeing anyone to see everyone in one day is a bit overwhelming. Plus  I was sitting in a room with about 20 people and nobody talking to me. So I lasted there for about 5.5 hours before  I told my mom that I needed to leave. Then my mom and stepdad make a scene of it. Saying, "You complain that you never go out then you do and you want to go home." They wouldn't quit it. I did go out. Give me some credit....I eventually was holding back tears and said, "Are you seriously going to make fun of my in front of the entire family?" My mom then stopped. I told her its a bit different when people are talking to you. And I am not like them I am sick and I can't handle things that they don't even think about. I tried. I did what I could. Then my sister texted me to let me know she was about 5 mins away and could pick me up. So  I said yes....then my step dad is like what you complaining to her...I said no, she texted me and I texted back...when my sister got there he literally asked her right in front of me, if  I had texted her to pick me up. She told him no. And I sooooo wanted to say "See, I didn't lie HAHA" but I didn't...everyone kept offering me food, and diet drinks (which my mom didn't allow me to have haha) it was frustrating. My mom follwed me in the bathroom. Then comes dinner and I serve myself (which I haven't done in forever) and my mom makes comments that it wasn't enough and everyone was watching as I put more on my plate according to my mom's approval. It was embarrassing I mean  Iam 22...which everyone thinks I am still a little girl. They were all talking about something and everyone would come up to me and cover my ears...whatever.

Anyway, I had a phone session today and do I know my sister...she was sitting right there. Singing in the background. HA my therapist got annoyed and told me to walk away. It would be one thing if  I was on the phone with a friend but it's a different story when I am having therapy. My therapist told me that my mom needs to back off a bit. hehe. My mom wants to talk to my therapist and  I told her yes, but I told Denise things she can and cant say....and I trust her so I think it will be okay. Denise is looking at it more as an educational session for her. Things she can do, dont do to help me. My mom says she wants to talk to her to make sure I am ready to move back, but I am not stupid it's going to be "How is she reallly doing? How long how she been doing good for?" which she won't get from denise...

My mom also weighed me yesterday....she asked me to come up and I knew right away what she wanted. It was like a show though. She covered the scale so I couldn't see and my stepdad sitting on the couch watching me to make sure  I didn't try to look down...again embarrasing...im not in treatment im home. I wished I could be treated like it...so my mom  hugs me and cries. I said, "well if you are going to be so disappointed with thr number than stop weighing me...its not your job to do it" Then a few hours later, she tells me "I am so happy you are getting better. That you won't be a statistic. I know it's hard. It's a battle everyday" Ummm you DON"T KNOW. that is all I will say. but it made me think "Oh crap my number is up, she is happy now, i gained, what is the number? im fat...."and so forth.

I don't know why, but the last few days have been brutal to me. Saturday I did nothing but sleep. It was actaully very hard to keep my eyes open. I felt drugged up.  I didn't want to move. Yesterday  I felt sick and wanted to crawl back into bed but today  I am feeling a but better. I had energy. I cleaned the entire kitchen. (which I later got in trouble for because I was burning calories...you're welcome for cleaning it though....) So hopefully that means whatever is going on with me will stop now and I can actaully enjoy being home. I don't want to be home but waste it away laying in bed....i know I know, do what I can, take care of myself blah blah blah.