It's the Holiday Season

Wow, do i have conflicted feelings on the holidays..I know its stressful. Not just for me but for a lot of people. This time of year, everyone is a wreck because it's the time of the year where we have to think of others and not just about ourselves. We are forced to be happy. Then (for me) comments on my body, my food, how i eat, what i eat, how much i eat, etc. And then pictures...oh gosh. everytime I turn around someone wants a picture. Not that  I don't mind but pictures to me are just as torturous as scales.

Today and yesterday were complex is the best word to describe it. Everyone was on my case about eating and eating with me and coming with me to the bathroom (which not sure if I wrote this but I disappeared into a bathroom for like 10 mins to take a breather--not a good idea if you purge) but the good thing around this time is I realize how much my family cares. Not only because they are concerned but because they show it. It was non stop hugging from the min i walked in the door to the min I left. And it felt really good, I know it's just hugs but hugs mean a lot to me when the only hugs I ever get are the ones I get from my nutritionist once a week. And no, I take back the "it's just hugs" Hugs mean a lot to me. It shows people care, and i know im not really a touchy person but getting a hug is very comforting to me. I don't really know how to describe it =/

AS for an update with my dad...I feel guilty because I didn't call him to say happy holidays, but then again, why do I have to do it each year? I mean I know I SHOULD but out off 22 years, he can do it one time right? I am trying to tell myself that it is okay. It's better for me this way, because if I call he will play games with my head, ill get upset and ed and other behaviors will get worse. I haven't talked to him for some time now and even not talking to him is playing the games with my head as you can probably tell, I am going back and forth with my feelings just in the short paragraph =/  

Christmas Eve

I know this time of year I am suppose to be happy and enjoy my family and blah blah blah. But this year I can't be. I can't fake it anymore...look where that has gotten me. It is also hard to deal with family when they have nothing but negitive things to say. I haven't  seen my family in over a year (thanks ed) and tonight we had a family party everyone yes I mean everyone made comments on my body. and how they missed me...yea well last year i was around but nobody wanted me there because of the feeding tube (which I said). Anyway, I thought  I was taking care of myself and I took a breather and walked away...guessing when everyone knows I purge and I disappear into a bathroom isn't a good thing. They sent my mom in to check on me. Needless to say my mom thinks what she wants. I told her the truth that I didnt purge and I didnt cut...yea she did a full blown out body check right there in my aunts bathroom. AWKWARD! I told my mom I was taking care of myself and walked away as I still HATE this body and all the comments were  getting to me. Now she keeps asking do we need to talk about what happened...umm like i said nothing happened i just needed a breather!!! Also at the party..yea I don't drink soda. all they had was soda and diet ice-tea...of course i run to the diet ice tea and my mom just about has a cow. I was like well sorry, i havent drank soda in over 5 yrs and im not going to start now. so that was a problem and my mom also felt the need to stay with me while I ate like for the people who didn't know lets make it obvious to them... Then there is this woman that I went to Renfrew with and my uncle's friend dated her. He told the family, "You know that girl you were in treatment with...they broke up shes problems" I kind of lashed out, I again made a comment about the people there who didnt know about my ed. and how if she is problems then I am problems because we both have the same disease. haha

Anyway I know I haven't updated like I told Denies I would. The last few days here have been rough. My first day here was nothing but comments and questions and lecturing (which denise if you read this...the lock box I told you about....they threw out because I did in fact hide food in it and it started to smell-got a lecture on it) And then I got sick. Like I woke up throwing up, which according to my mom It was ed. not a flu or anything. I didnt have a fever just felt sick and kept throwing up like I couldnt even keep water down. which I think it is normal when you are sick you eat less. well my mom says to me, "well this isn't good for you" Well im sorry I can't help it if im sick...but according to her i wasn't sick i just acted like it so i could purge and restrict...i wish..anyway my mom hides the scale now and shes not very good at it. lol I found it in the garage and i have been obsessing over it. I freaked out on my nutritionist saying, "All ive been doing for a day is following your meal plan, and I gained three pounds" I checked the next day and I lost two, so i guess it was just water retention or something so i apologized. I don't want to gain. I dont need to gain. so its not happening....

Day One- oh gosh

I'm not exactly sure on how I am suppose to last a full week here  when after not even a full day I am about to explode...My mom came in and wanted to weigh me right away. Which I was expecting and she wouldn't let me see it. I kinda of freaked out, saying that Joy lets me see it. She said "Well I don't know that for sure" So she weighs me then I say my weight, asking her if it's the same. She says "Well all scales are different" So then I asked does that mean my weight is higher???? She refused to tell me that too so I am totally freaking out. I also feel like I am getting lecture after lecture. Like how my jeans fit, and how even though I don't think it's neccessary but others do think I need to gain weight (apparently everyone in my family are doctors) And they ask, "how are you" I say good, then they say, "How are you really??" UHH I SAID IM GOOD DIDN"T I???

I was also suppose to get my recovery tattoo while I am here to help me embrace my recovery and to give me motivation. Yea, as of right now that isn't happening...they want me to be in recovery for a year before I get it. DUDE for real, I am paying for it and I want it now for different reasons. Let me do what I want with MYYYYYY goddamn body. Im 22. stop making decisions for me!

Then I have my snack which everyone was like "what are you eating?" So i felt like I had to, then its "well you still need another meal today" OK well I just ate like 3 hours ago I am so not hungry for a meal I am still full beyond my comfortable limit. Plus it's getting late and I don't want another meal now. My body won't be able to digest it. OMG it's only been a few hours and  Iwant to act out, either ed wise or SI or something. I need to do something. I want to talk to someone but I can't as everyone would listen to my conversation argg I just want to crawl in a ball and cry in my room (which they had no problem taking all my stuff out of and making it a storage rom-yea not coming home anytime soon.I want to even though I feel like way, but maybe it's just the area I want to be in I hate the moutains) OHHH and in the car ride here, I was sliding all over the place, my sister says, "Jesus, you don't have enough body weight to even stay still in the car?" UMMM how about you try staying completely still when you are turning and sitting on a leather sit. GOSH. yup this is the reason why I feel like I am nothing but my ed...just saying

take a deep breath and let it ALLL out =p

I feel like I am always put on the back burner...I mean it's okay at times, I shrug it off and try to move on. But you know that quote, "treat others how you want to be treated" lame, i know but....

I don't know, i would like to know someone is there to listen to me. I mean no matter what is going on in my life, i ALWAYS find a way to stop and listen when someone needs/wants to vent to me. I know I am a needy person in general but right now...I am more needy than usual. I blame it on stress and the holidays but my life right now isn't exactly chaotic free.  I feel like I am always giving but never getting anything in return. Not that I expect anything in return but i would like the feeling that I have someone (not on my team) that I can go to anytime. And I also know that a lot of people who have ed's are struggling right now. So I think everyone needs to reach out more but everyone is worried about triggering others so they isolate and struggle on their own...i mean don't get me wrong. I am by no means not struggling I am and i am reaching out but i guess im just at a point where it's "why bother??"

I also feel like I always set myself up to get hurt. Give myself an excuse to make it okay to be in ed...like if im hurt its okay and expected of me to go back to ed. so i don't know. I guess ed is talking right now haha. (which I was talking to someone last night and they said, "Oh stefanie isn't talking, hello ed" hahah) but back to topic...someone who I felt like abandoned me/left me/hurt me came back in my life. I know it was my decision and I feel like I let people walk all over me but I feel like I can't say no because what if they need someone and im the only one around for them even though they weren't there for me when I needed it the most. Which she explained her situation and I totalllyyyy understand where she is coming from but its like "you had no problem leaving before, what will make you stay this time...nothing, it's just a matter of time" I think i might be setting myself up to get hurt, even though I know what I think doesn't mean it will happen...

Today I seemed to be stuck in my past. i was at work and I cried. Out of nowhere. All I could think about was about my ex and that whole drama and about my dad, and about Cole. I seem to beat myself up quite a bit. If it's my fault or not. I beat myself up. Like my ex...didn't know about it...i'm stupid. My dad...i'm stupid (keep going back to him) cole...i'm stupid. I let it happen. That is something Joy asks me everytime I see her, "Are you in the past, present or future" Most of the time I say "Past" Im not sure why I just cant let things go, why I have to hold on to them and torture myself with maybe giving myself excuses for ed, but like the abuse from my dad happened a long time ago so I should be able to let go of it now...and everything is my fault...i did something to get the abuse. I didn't pay attention to realize what was happening with Art and Cole. It's all my fault and im stupid (see-beating myself up yet again)

I also had to pack today and it took me a good 4-5 hours to find 7 outfits that don't make me look fat. And I thought of a way to be sneaky...I can't not have my laxatives. (yes I think I am addicted to them) so I took them out and put them in my mulit-vitamin container so im safe there. I also brought my colace which might be a problem and i dont use them like I use my laxatives so maybe ill leave them behind but then i have to find a place to put them so i know they will still be here for when i get back. Considering you can tell its two different pills I can't have them in the same container as my mom will look..Arggg i wish my head would just shut up sometimes...this is what it does all day, everyday. PLAN EVERYTHING OUT TO BE SICK...who does that? who constantly thinks about ways to restrict, purge, exercise, hide laxatives, etc. it's exhausting!

Now, my g-mom...she is 86, has altimzers, and I know her life is coming to an end. Things are getting pretty bad with her and I honestly don't know how I am going to handle it when it does. Well, I do-ed will help me through it. But last night, she woke up crying, not knowing where she was or who my uncle (HER SON) was. It took quite a bit of convincing and year dates to make things okay. then she cried because she felt guilt and stupid. It's such a hard life to go through, on both ends. Most of time she is happy and just forgets things but when she's not in a good emotional state is when things get hard. Like her crying...how are you suppose to help someone feel better when they believe something else is true. Like last week, she was crying saying "everyone is leaving but me" WHO? who was leaving? where? OR the time she swore she was on a boat and talking to 3 kids on the floor? I mean I dont want to say, "yea that's not where we are, and those kids aren't there", I would imagine that would make her feel stupid and upset. So how does one handle this???
if anyone has experience, suggestions, etc please let me know...

Clearly, it's me

Well comments are hard to deal with. I'm not sure why my body has become everyone's concern. It's actaully very frustrating. I hate doing blind weigh-ins(which luckily Joy lets me see my weight) and I hate treatment because I don't think it's fair that everyone gets to know my weight but me. it's my body. it should be my bussiness not the rest of the world's... anyway I thought of this because i got some comments today. That I am "scary skinny" then I got "You look sick, like a model but not like skeltal sick" so that has been majorly playing with my head.Then I said, "So I look healthy" She replied, "I didn't say healthy, you're not, you have bags under your eyes, you're extremely pale, you legs at sticks (yea not so much if you saw me in person) but you are beautiful" Well 1. thanks for pointing out the things that make me look like shit but 2. you consider that beauty? If that is beauty than we have a very sick idea of beauty in this society. Mind you though, this comment was made by another girl who has an ED.  Makes me feel like I am not thin enough, that i look fat. See comments...hmm comments. No matter what is said it just won't be taken the way it was meant. Ed tends to turn things around. a lot. Like" if someone comments on my hair-it means that i got so fat that the only thing they can comment on is my hair" (jenni schaefer), so literally every comment that is made is somehow turned into how fat I am.


Another thing that has been bothering me lately is yet again my dad. I know it's been a while since my birthday and I need to get over my dad not wishing me a happy birthday, but today my grandmom got a christmas card from him. that makes me sad for two reasons...1. He couldnt send his daughter one-who lives at the same address (so yes again- he doesnt want me in his life for something I did...) and 2. my Grandmom who is 86, was crying for about half of the day. Because (since I moved in) hasnt called her or seen her. So it's been a few months. And I was crying to my uncle saying he doesn't speak to his mom, because he doesn't want to deal with me. He says it's not my fault that things were kinda of like this before I moved in. I said, well maybe, but he at least called her once a week and now he doesn't, and my uncle and him don't speak. So me moving in caused a ruined relationship between two brothers and between a mother and his son...my uncle tells me that I cant take on this blame. But  it happened because of me...see my dad doesnt talk to my uncle because "he went behind his back and spoke to his ex" Which my uncle says, "Well no I talked to your daughter's mother to see how she is doing and to know what to expect when she moves in here, like how bad she is, if she still has the tube in, etc I know she is sick, but no matter how bad she is, I am not allowing her to live on the streets(as that was the option my mom gave me because she didnt want to watch me kill myself anymore)"

I know it's not really my blame to take, but it's hard not to. Not only because I take blame for everything but because of the evidence, how are you going to tell me that it's not me when clearly, it is...

as if I didn't have enough mind games going on...

I hate talking. No, I actaully like talking...I don't like talking to people. You can't trust them. That's sad to say. Everything  I say is turned around one way or another. And it always bites me in the butt. I have a few examples to share that just happened this past week.

1. I was on the phone with my sponsor and insurance (this is the reason why I refuse to do a phone session with Denise) and I said something to my sponsor as I am 100% honest with her and it's like freedom to talk about what goes through my ed without being judged. So I said something about last christmas I had the feeding tube in and this year I feel like I have to be either just as sick or perfect in recovery. And my uncle overheard and saw me restricting that night, and said something like you know, you don't have to be just as sick, and i hope you aren't doing that...."ummm did you not hear the other part of the converstation??? Yes I actaully said that-seems like i am always lashing out on my uncle...

Then when I was on the phone with trying to get insurance...they asked where I would like my weight to be...and again my uncle overheard and took that as my current weight and told my mom...well im not that weigth and my mom is now freaking out saying im extremely underweight again, and the weight that my DR.MOM wants me to be at. So now im stressing about going home. I will be weighed and either way I feel like im screwed because I have lost weight since my  last visit home so that won't be good and it means i have to somehow figure a balance while i am home so i don't lose nor gain because she will keep tabs on it for my week long stay...then I feel like now i have to be at this weight, because she is expecting it and when she see's that i'm not ...comments might be said-like how im not that bad off as she thought and well ed will have a field day with that.

Then I was talking to my aunt about going home, I feel like it's a test. A step closer to me seeing if I can do it and go home soon. My aunt also mentioned how I won't eat if its not served to me (but umm again not accurate  I serve my own snacks just not meals) and how much I drink in a day which my mom says is excessive but she forgot to mention that my uncle is breathing down my back the entire day making sure i am hydrated. (as my seizures and passing out are back)

I don't know. I just feel like some of the info is not accurate and I was already stressing over this visit home and this just doesn't help relax me and I want to be able to enjoy this visit. I mean i know I will still be stressed as it is christmas + food +family but i just wish some things were left alone. You know? I hate being talked about. It plays games with my head.

Explain Yourself!!

I feel like I am constantly getting mixed messages. It's confusing when I don't know what someone wants but it's more confusing when it relates back to me...like my uncle for example. He tells me that he wants me to talk more. To let him share some of what is going on in my head. To let him know when I am struggling and when I do...nothing...Like today I shared how much I am struggling and NOTHING. not one word. mute. So I started going into my own world and he got mad...I was like "Well, your not saying anything in response, So Im not going to waste my breath to someone who isn't listening, or doesn't want to" He said he just didnt know what to say...but still I mean  I understand that, but say SOMTHING. ANYTHING im opening up and i would like to know that im being heard.

It seems like my uncle is always the target when my ed comes out. Like the other day, He was standing over me watching me make my breakfast and I lashed out, "What are you just going to stand there and watch me?" He walked away and I felt bad, so i explained that I felt like I was being watched to see how much I am CHOOSING to eat, and how he thinks of how huge I am or whatever and he told me " no if anything I want you to add this in your meal too"

That't one thing I hate about this...To feel like I always have to explain myself. My actions. My thoughts. I want to be understood and it's exhausting always telling people why you do the things you do or how you feel or think...umm i just do i don't know. Then I explain and I feel stupid because i know I make no sense whatsoever. Then I feel judged and yea see ED's are complex to say the least, and it's frustrating to think about the things that I have done or said, and it's like "did I really?" but when you do it it just feels natural...like when I was at Laureate I would purge in a plastic bag and empty it in the morning when I was allowed showers, or I would claim the meds made me sick or that the other girl who was sick got me sick. I hid food (even messy foods) in my pockets I would wear tons of layers to meet my weight. LIKE I WAS/AM crazy and I know this and I know my thinking  is insane. Like I try to explain how I feel like if I get my period then that means my body has enough fat for it to be working the way that it should. it means im fat...yes I know it's irrational but it's a big belief that ed tells me and its hard..like I know it's not true but you still believe it anyway. Even writing this I feel like I will be judged differently but honestly...this is my blog and it's for my purposes not yours...who knows im just going on and on and nobody even reads this. =)

How Isn't It??

I had Joy today, and if you have been reading this, you know I have been struggling with depression...Feeling alone. Not cared about. It seems to be a theme/topic with everyone in my life right now, for those who have stayed thus far. Anyway, somehow we started talking in my session about people caring about me (again not sure how that is connected with my food intake haha) And she must have sensed something, because she said, "How are you going to sit there and say that Denise and I don't care?" Kinda got defensive, which coming from her I completely understand. So I told her, " I know you care, you actaully want something to do with me, I feel like you care about me and not the money, it's denise who I don't think does" (sorry denise if you read this) I explained how I feel like she wants nothing to do with me, unless it's our appointed time. She told me its all about boundries but Nutritionists are different because its medical so you can text a doctor when you have a fever (like texting joy when i want to purge or restrict) but I cant text a therapist when i have a fever...which I understand that but I would like to know that if I needed it she would be there for me and be less concerned for the boundries. Seems like I am picking fights lately, I think, honestly, I am pushing people away...like one person I keep fighting with is very close to me and I would die if she left so it sucks but it would hurt less if i pushed her away rather than her leaving. Which she says she doesnt want to and won't...but how many times have I heard that from how many people before???so it's kind of hard to believe. I was fine tonight, until two people contacted me and confronted this past situation. Made me start thinking about all the people who are/had leaving/left. Saying it's not me, but, if you read this here is what goes through my head...

1. So many people left, and keep leaving ME, so how is it NOT me???

2. It's always the people you expect more/better from. The ones who you think will always be there

3. Something is wrong with me. 

4. what do I keep doing to make everyone leave? what did I say? what did I do?

as you can see, and i know people are trying to convince me otherwise, but let's be real. If people (PLURAL) keep leaving one person, how is it not them? It just doesnt make sense...Why would so many people leave if there was nothing wrong with you?

Christ, my dad left me. Tell me nothing is wrong with me as a person when my own father left me, wants nothing to do with me. What kind of parent wants nothing to do with their child? So therefore it has be me...yes I know I am stuck in the past and everything I connect back to it but it's hard not to. It's easier I guess for me to think it's me. When I talked to Joy today, I told her how I deserve punishment. I deserve pain and hurt. It's what has been and when I don't have it something is not right. But it's easier I guess for ed. It gives me an excuse...Like ED is the one thing that hasnt left. Ed is what gives me my punishment. Because im in pain, im allowed to have ED, im allowed to have something wrong with me....(though ed I don't think is what is wrong with me-there has to be something else something about me- literally me not my own struggles) 

I swear I have a stamp on my head that says "im stupid" or something because people don't think I have a brain. They don't think I can put two and two together. Just and FYI I'm not stupid. My education was always number one in my life. Always the thing I was good at, what I worked my butt off on. What I am proud of. THE ONE THING I AM PROUD OF  I was in honor, and AP classes with straight A's and awards and such, and it is extremely disrespectful to me when you think I won't figure things out. So stop giving me excuses and lies, because I know exactly what is going on....

Anyway I thought writing it would help release some of whatever is going on, but it seems to only be intensifying it, so off to exercising and bed

The glass is half full...umm no mine is empty =/

Were you ever in a crowd and felt so alone? That's how I feel...all the time. I feel like people are there but when you need them the most, that's when they aren't. It's like a facade. A mask.  They want to be there but when things get serious they get scared and run. and it sucks for the person that they are running from...i know...

The other night, ok well last night I was sucidal and I counted on a friend that I know I shouldn't count on right now considering she is trying to stay in recovery but I know she cares...and I felt like I was blown off. She said she had to go to bed. Which is fine I understand you have to take care of yourself, but if I was on the other end, I would try to stay up if it meant keeping someone that i care about alive, or I would tell someone else to talk to them or do something not just walk away from it. 

I don't know, maybe it's just because it's the holiday season and its always harder this time of year. Anxiety goes up, depression goes up. 

But I feel like everyone is leaving. Everytime I turn around another person is gone, and It's hard not to take personal...I know some say it's not me, and give me an excuse that just doesn't add up. And after a while, after a certain number of people leaving, how do you not think its NOT you? I know I like to take blame for everything that isn't mine to take so it always comes down to "what did I do? or say?" to make them go away. Kinda a curse from being abused as a child, always thinking that someone else's reactions or emotions or whatever is somehow connected back to you...

I would like to have the feeling that if I needed it, someone would be willing to stay up with me all night if it meant keeping me alive. But I don't,  Maybe that is too much to ask for, because people need to sleep, but just to have the feeling that someone would be okay with me...

Who's in the driver seat???

Try having therapy online....I wasn't able to go in person and my therapist doesn't think that I am in a place where I can stop therapy. Well it didn't really feel like therapy. and it was way to distracting. I could check my mail, I could check my facebook, I can blog (yes therapy is going on) haha

Anyway I shared about how I feel like Im stuck. Like Joy shared a story with me, about falling in a hole. 1. you dont see it and you fall in and it takes long to get out. 2. you see it but fall in anyway, and it still takes time to get out. 3. you take a step to the side and still fall in and it takes a while to get out. 4. you walk on another road.

The point of me sharing this is I'm not sure where I am, but I know I keep falling in the hole over and over again and Im just trying to get out. The hole being ed...I know I have people who are trying to pull me out everytime but i feel like its just pointless right now because I will just fall in again. so why waste the energy?

I had a comment that made me feel like I was not sick enough today. It was about spiraling down and not being at the bottom and I explained how much I am restricting and then that person got "concerned" with my levels of restricting. I kind of freaked out saying that I have lost weight and you just cant tell-obviously ed jumped in the drivers seat....  I think this picture you can see that I am sick.Or rather, that I am struggling, but I still think I look healthy. and yet, I am obsessing over it I can't stop looking at it and where I can lose more weight at (stomach, theighs, arms, face, butt). Though everyone who has seen this is concerned and says I am now "scary skinny" which I dont, or ed, I don't know doesn't think this is true.

I am chalk, but I was only drawn to be washed away.

So I was asked to do an update. Which I know it's been a while. I didn't even think people actaully read this. So that was somewhat comforting to hear people care what I think or need to say, but also embarrassing on what I wrote about...Anyway,

I have been having ups and downs.  A lot of them. My birthday week was horrible. I felt like I was attacked in every aspect and by everyday. I was criticized for what I do or what I say. What I think. It was another year, offically that I did nothing with my life. So I cut, and then I cried because it was my birthday and I had to cut. The thing that hurt me the most and I don't mean to sound vain, and like "it's my birthday, pay attention to me" type of thing. But my dad didn't wish me a happy birthday. no card. no phone call. not even a text. Which it has been 10days since my birthday and I am still crying about it. I don't know what I did for him to not care about me, for people not to think of my feelings like I think of theirs. Everything I do is to please others and not myself. I don't say what I want to say so they are happy. Hell I even went to a college to make my mom happy, rather than the college I wanted to go to. So I just don't get it. I know I have "blame" issues. I take a lot of blame for things that aren't my fault but I just can't wrap my head around this one. When I was youger he hit me, then he couldnt anymore and he left...and my sister was of age and could go with me, and i couldn't. I was left in the dust. I was the one forgotten. The one who nobody cared how it would effect me. Anyway, I just wish I knew, so I could fix it. I could make myself the person he wants to have as a child, I can do that and then he will love me, and I will just have to learn to love that person. I mean it shouldn't be hard to put on yet another mask, right?

So I am going home for a week. Holidays are blessings but curses. I mean I am beyond excited to go home, I haven't been there since last christmas and I had a feeding tube in. but I am also nervous.I havent seen my family in a year thanks to treatment. And I feel like I have to 1.Be perfect in recovery. or 2. prove to them that I am still sick (eventhough I am not as thin and I dont have a tube). And the pressure to eat what everyone else eats is terrifying to me. and everyone watching me and judging me. its just uncomforatable to eat in front of others. I know holidays aren't about food but it sure seems like it,. Thanksgiving I hid in my room all day just because I couldn't handle it. It's not that I dont want to be with everyone and enjoying them and the time and everything its just I can't. I can't. the entire time I am thinking of what they are thinking about me, they are staring at my plate wondering if I will really eat this or that. How thin or fat I am. It's just a constant battle. Anyway when I go home, I will be on my own for most of the day, which means I am on my own for my meals. which I also havent served myself in a year. Childish I know, but I just can't because again, everyone is watching how much I choose to eat or what to eat. and I don't deserve to...and ed says, "it's a free pass, you will be able to restrict all week long and lose a lot of weight" which is tempting but I think it's a test or something like my mom set up a video camera or something to see if I actaully eat or not. So I told Joy (nutritionist) and we set up a plan and its a lot of food. Like normal I guess but a lot for me. Like 3 meals, and a snack. When I (IF I) eat is one(170-200cal) -two meals(400-500cal) (lately one because I havent been purging (up until last night) so Ive been restircting more (average 200 calories) and she gave me example of what I can eat and I kinda of freaked out on her, but I still LOVE her. Like the other night I wanted to purge when I havent in a week and she texted for 40mins or so to help me, which it work, but then the next night I felt bad and like I couldnt text her again and was on my own and after a week I purged again. Which I feel guilty about it, and like Ive failed. Like I can't even go longer than a week without do it, but it also felt good. not  that throwing up makes me feel good, but the control it gives me. And I feel like I am back on the slide. not that I was ever off it- I guess if you considering my restricing but not purging for me is HUGE. I just feel like I can't stop again. I don't know.

I know people say it's not you, it your disease. But I (ME) is the one doing the actions sure, it might not be my own thoughts even though they are in my head but I am the one who chooses to hide my food in my bag or to shove my finger down my throat.. nobody else does that for me. I DO it.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. and if you do actaully read this and read the whole thing, I am sorry I bore you but hey you survive I guess hahaha

What's the point???

What is the point in opening up to someone, getting to know them, care about them when in the end no matter who it is or what they promise...they leave? There's none. I am so tired of being hurt this way. I am so tired of opening up and thinking this person will be different and in the end they are all the same. They always leave. Always. My dad left, and my stepmom, almost my sponsor though she is being distant now. A therapist, Val, Ann, and now Jill. when I say now, yes like hour ago. She told me that she gives up and can't handle me right now. I immediadly start crying saying I knew it. I can't keep opening myself up to people just to get ripped open in the end. But for some reason I always allow it, well this will put an end to it. I'm going to leave everyone. Decision made for them and I get out of feeling this pain, this abandonment.

Stupid Holidays

I don't know if it's just because of the extra stress around food durning this time of the year or im just holding everything in again until I explode...either way it's not a fun place to be at. I have this strong urge to literally pull out my hair. I hate this time of year, not only because the added stress and focus on the food which is not fun for someone who has an ed. but because my birthday is coming up, which makes it offical-another year without doing NOTHING with my life...

People are getting to me too. seems like every person knows how to push my buttons its like a little kid hitting all the buttons on the elevator. I feel like Im not being heard. I don't matter. People don't care, won't notice. The one person who I have grown to accept as my chosen sister well she's kinda leaving...I mean I get that she is having a hard time right now with her own issues but how can I not take it personal when a month has passed and we barely talk now when we talked everynight and its like pulling teeth out trying to get her to open up. And that's if it last more than 5 mins now...I knew this was going to happen, for her to get better and then me still struggling and leaving because im too triggering. But she says its not the case, well sure feels the same but you dont want me feeling abandoned but I feel like im being blown off all the time now and it hurts just the same amount.

Today

Today was a "better bad day" I only purged once and only took two laxatives and exercised.. And I did text my nutritionist like she wanted me to, and she was overjoyed that I'm listening to her. I am very glad that I have a very patient nutritionist and she also had an ed so I dont have to explain myself. So that is always nice. But I feel like I ate way too much today. I actaully bought clothes to not fit me so I would be motivated to lose weight and so far they do fit. Actaully a little big on me. Which is kind of sick, to purposely buy clothes to make yourself fit into them. I seen that commerical about the sizes being sassy and stuff like that and I really think they should do that. haha.

Work was actually good today too, so that always helps with my mood. And I went and hung out with my cousin and made plans for tomarrow before work. It will be nice to not just be stuck in the house. then go to work and come home to bed then do it all over again. So im excited! Finally I have a night where i am not depressed.

My cousin just had a baby too so welcome little Landon Duffy =)


So I thought of my ex today which is never good, and he sent me a message. I don't know what to do. I mean I know I should not talk to him at all. He is nothing but a liar. I feel like a complete idiot. Ok, he was apparent;y A LOT older than what he told me (which I still feel disgusted) and he was married and had 3 kids. I feel like I should of known and I brought it on myself. Something I obviously need to work on, as he was his decision. I don't know  I still take the full blame, as I should have known. He made me lose all respect  for myself. Not that I had any to begin with but this just took everything that I had left =/ He keeps saying things like "time heals all" and " I should never forget my first" Such an ass, really. I kind of feel like if I didn't think of him today he would not of messaged me which is stupid thinking. AHHHH

Nutritionist Appointment....

So today, I texted my nutritionist (Joy) and told her that  I can't come for a second week in a row, well she wasn't happy with me, and said I can't not go again. So I ended up going but I was only there for maybe ten minutes, I told her the truth on why I didn't want to go (not wanting to get weighed) and she made it this big thing about her, that she's not this horrible person who will judge me if I did actaully gained weight. She said she is and my therapist is the number one cheering people behind me, and actaully wants me to gain weight. And that  I can;t not go just because I want to avoid the scale, then she threw it in my face and said, "Today im not even going to weigh you so there" haha. Then I said something to make her realize that I just expect this to go away. Like Ill just decide one day to not purge or restrict and that's it. So she told me a story about one of her other patients and said have "better bad days" Meaning, if I purge x amount of times each day then the next day lessen it by one, and she wants me to text her everyday now saying "I had a better bad day" or "Good day" or whatever. I said okay, she said, so im expecting at least 7 texts until I see you next time. I think she's honestly just trying to prove a point that she is my number one cheerleader at the moment. I don't know I guess I just really needed to let something out. Because I feel like my feet are somewhat back on the ground. Im not just floating around anymore. Like Im still depressed, i don't know maybe im just numb as I tried not purge today, and for me not purging means not eating. So im kind of in the numbing phrase right now. Honestly, I much rather be this way than depressed like I have been and for me purging doesn't numb me out AS MUCH as restricting (still does but im not sucidial tonight for like the first time in a month)

BLAH BLAH BLAH

See this is why IM DONE. I reactivate my facebook and noticed within an hour my step-mom and aunt blocked me. That for me was the last straw. I want to know why, but I also know its just going to upset me and make me more depressed which I don't think can get worse at the moment. So yes more people leaving me. this is why I don't open up to people,

Another reason why  I don't open up to people is because everyone here likes talking about me. Like I had therapy yesterday, and my aunt asked how it went. I told her I was quiet, because im not going to say well we focused on my depression because I really want to call quits, but it wasn't a lie I mean I was quiet. Well she told my mom and my mom, is like "Her being quiet is a bad sign" and this weekend I went for "walks" (runs) and before hand drank an "ensure" (refilled it with zero calorie gatorade) and my mom knows and says, "That means youre not getting your nutritional needs met"...um how about you assume its because im taking care of myself and drinking them so I have calories to burn. I know its stupid to get upset over this as I really didnt drink them. haha. Oh and someone commented on a note I wrote on Facebook, and that means I reposted it, and someone called me out on it and deleted my facebook...like you know everything. I didn't repost anything, someone made a comment and nobody "called me out", I flat out told my mom why I deleted my facebook, but apparently that's not the reason to her. She also knows that I was upset with my sister moving back home, and thinks this might have something to do with it. AGAIN I flat out told you the reason, LISTEN TO ME.

PROOF nobody cares

So I took my facebook down for a few days, as I felt it was pointing out how alone I am. And I also made a point to not to contact anyone unless they contact me. And no surprise, nobody did. They only people who noticed was one friend and my mom and sister. Which proves my point that If I just disappeared not a lot of people would even notice or care. I actaully woke up yesterday crying because of how alone I felt. I had therapy and she says feeling this way is because of my  dad blowing me off again this weekend. Im not sure, I mean I know it plays a part but its not the reason I am just one very very alone young woman who is misunderstood. But on the bright side, I was honest with her about how sucidial I have been lately then she sat there and prayed for me which was a little awkward. That was all she did though, we didnt make a plan or anything in case it gets more tempting than what it is now. Besides her telling me that I really need to take my Celexa (anti-depressants)

Going to the hardware store for bread

I love when I wake up to have a panic attack. Two minutes after I wake up, I get a text from my step-mom...yup they cancelled YET AGAIN. I'm tired of the excuses to not see me. I just want my dad to want to see me, to want to call me, to care about me and to love me. Is that so much to ask for from a parent? apparently. I honestly, can't do it anymore. If they don't want me in their life...wish granted. I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm done with calling them and trying when it's just not going to happen. Like that famous saying, "Going to the hardware store for bread" You keep going there expecting something will be different, expecting something you need will be there.


So I told my uncle why I was upset (as he gets mad when I leave him out of the loop) and he says, "Well i don't know what to tell you" and walks away....so again I don't know what people want from me...do they want me to share or to keep quite. nothing I do seems to be the right thing.

Then I found a support group for eating disorders, near work. And I asked my uncle what is the name of the building because they have groups there. Well he said, "You seem fine, and everytime I turn around you want something more for your ed.. first a therapist, then a nutritionist, now a doctor and groups" well ok yea I have groups, but I was going to face to face meetings before and its a lot different. I found a group around here called celebrate recovery and they didn't want me going because its not just for ed's. So ive been doing phone and online meetings but its not the same. I guess it's true I don't deserve the support that I actually need.

Out of the Loop

So today I called my mom, to tell her that I have osteopenia, she wasn't surprised, she actually thought they diagnoised me with it when I was at Laureate because I was "on the verge of having it". And it wasn't triggering talking to her for once. Though I don't think I actaully have osteopenia as the test could not be accurate but she says that  I still need to take my viactive (calcuim supplements) 3 times a day...

Then I get off the phone with her and my sister texts me, already knowing about this. Then a little later I asked if she moved. And she got curious. Like seriously you are my sister and I can't know where you are living? And she does tell me shes living with our mom. Ok why didn't my mom tell me when I talked to her? How come everyone can know about my bussiness but nobody tells me anything?? seems unfair.

Decisions

So this past week I have made or ED made some stupid decisions....Like on Wednesday, I cancelled my nutrionist appointment. Just because I was too embarrassed and ashamed if (IF) I gained weight to let my nutritionist to see it. Which she wants my number to go up. But I was honest about it with my therapist yesterday and she advised me to talk to her. Which I don't see her not weighing me, considering she is the only one who does in my treatment team. But maybe this coming week I can say, "I know you need to weigh me but can you just not do it this week, because I feel like my number is up and I dont want to be judged differently or feel ashamed. And if you don't tell me I will be wondering and if you don't I will still be wondering" I guess I can always try, but then I don't want to because then that might make her just not show me the number at all anymore. But I do feel better, like I am still struggling but I feel like im letting go of my restricting. I feel like I am eating more, still purging but not to the point where its making me lose weight anymore. I keep telling myself that I will get back on track tomarrow to lose weight but I just don't do it. So I feel like a failure. I feel like im becoming a binge eater. Which my teams tells me that Im not considering that I do still purge and what I eat isn't a binge its a normal amount its just more to me...

I also found out this week that I have Osteopenia. I'll be 22 in 26 days and I have weak bones, stomach issues, severe acid reflex, acute esophagatis, hyperglycemia, and severe anemia....doesn't sound like im 21, sounds like im 82. And its allll because of ed, yet  I still think im "fine" and that "nothing bad will happen to me" NEWSFLASH it is. It has! So shut up ed, your wrong, I have medical issues, that isn't being "fine" or nothing major will happen. Having my problems are serious. So knowing this, do I stop the ed behaviors??? no. because something is seriously wrong with me. I know two people who have died from their ed's, so I know its a result, does that stop me? No...

I have also been thinking a lot of my relationships this week. Like my dad the whole I don't hear from him unless I contact him. Well that is like with all my relationships. Friends. Supports. Family. And I don't feel like its fair to me. Relationships are suppose to be a two way street, they don't work if only one person is driving. And it's really not fair to me. I just want someone to contact me without being told. Someone to care enough to check in with me, or to talk about stupid pointless stuff. I'm just tired of always reaching out and grabbing a hand when nobody grabs for mine. Makes me feel like I am truly a burden that not even my friends want to talk to me anymore. I just want someone to care. (who isn't in my team because im paying them to care).

I am Nobody

I don't know if I can do this any longer...do you know how it feels when both of your parents want nothing to do with their kid? I do. and it sucks...my mom doesn't want me home, and frankly I think she is much happier without me there. She says she doesn't want me there if I'm in my ed, well she thinks that I have like 8 months of recovery (though I think she really knows) and still doesnt want me back. Then my dad. Well we had plans a couple of weeks ago and he cancelled. And we have plans on the 19th and it looks like he will blow me off again. And I only hear from him if I contact him. No phone calls. no visits. nothing. I mean I understood the no visits when I lived two hours away but now im only five mins away. And im tired of just always being the one who has to contact them, to have a relationship with them. Like if I don't call for a while, he will say "hey stranger" umm hello and phone works both ways, he can call me. He can act like the parent every once in a while. I'm tired of being the parent when I don't have kids...I remember the year I went on pointe for dance, and he said that he would be there to see my recital. As it was a big moment for me. Well he didn't show up. For christsakes, he came to my graduation but left before my name was even called.Wasn't there for my award cermonies. He did visit me when I was at Renfrew, however it was only because my mom told him that I was killing myself to get his attention so he stopped by for five mins...and it was torture. Hello im in a treatment center for an eating disorder and you are going to sit there and say, "well at least you're not the sickest/thinnest one here" umm thanks. needless to say I cried at dinner (as it was only like 5 mins before) and refused to eat.

Anyway, my point is that it is clear to me that everyone would continue their life without blinking an eye if  I was gone. Like I said, my dad probably wouldn't even realize as I don't exist to him now, and he probably wouldn't go to my funeral. And my mom well she is already happier with me away from her. I just don't see the point in being in a world where you aren't welcomed by your parents. I'll be 22 soon, and I have nothing accomplished  with my life. Absolutely nothing. I'm literally nothing but a burden to the people who know me. Sure I have my EDA girls, who say they love me and would be upset if I was no longer here, but then again they don't know me. I mean they do to an extent but they never actaully met me before, so im sure they would move on fairly fast. I have nobody. I am nobody.

I'm sorry that I'm not like everyone else....

So Ed was in complete control today...he convinced to me to cancel my nutritionist appointment tomarrow, because I (think) gained weight and "I would be embarrassed if Joy saw my higher weight" (regardless that she wants me to gain weight). So I texted her, fearing that if I called she would ask questions and convince me otherwise...she said okay and wants to still check in on me over the phone. I told her that I won't have privacy. But I was honest about it in my food log (which is a food log/journal) and my therapist reads it and Im sure she will report that to Joy...then ed also already convinced me that tomarrow morning I will be on my own for breakfast as my uncle and aunt have a doctors appointment and I have to stay here to watch my grandmom. So, we have it all planned out. Ill make something for her and me but the dogs will eat mine. So people who don't have eds...that's what we do all day in our heads. We think of things to get out of eating or to run away to purge, then we focus on how we will do it again tomarrow. I think im at a point where I don't even want to argue with ed anymore. He always seems to win and it just exhausts me and makes me feel guilty which is weird because I feel guilty for not doing recovery yet the guilt brings on more ed behaviors. haha.

All I want to is to be normal. I want to be normal with food. And to be okay with my body. I want to think about other things other than calories, and my body. Gosh that makes me sound really vain....

See I come from a family with a lot of problems. My dad is an alcholic, and my sister had an eating disorder (she swicthed from anorexia to binge eating which means "recovered" in my family) and my uncle was big into drugs (and switched to bulimia) Well from my mom there's a lot of pressure on me. Like my sister is "better" and questions me all the time, on why I can't just get better, she got well after she started to lose her hair...well im sorry despite all the problems I have  I still cant get better. I'm sorry im not you and those things don't matter to me as much as they meant to you. What is wrong with me??? And my uncle well her got "better" after some tough love from my grandpa (kicked out) and that is exactly what my mom is doing to me, but the thing with ed's...tough love is not the way to go. We already feel worthless, and then you saying that I can't come back home adds to that, and makes me feel like im a burden that even my mom doesn't want me around...it just seems like no matter what is said and done, it's just not the right thing to me...ughh

Dreams...

Seriously what is my problem???

The past two dreams that I remember having consists of my mom. The first one, we had a flood and for some reason I was in the car and safe, and I was yelling at her to get in the car. Then I saw her just whisked away, it was very vivid and I do not want to ever watch my mother die. Maybe it was symbolic. Like how I feel like she doesn't listen to me, (not that I bark orders at her to get in the car) Someone told me that if you dream of someone dying, it means that the relationship is coming to an end. Just great really, I already don't have a relationship with my father, and now I might not have one with my mom? I know my mom is a big trigger to me when it comes to my feelings on worthlessness, and my perfectionism. But that doesn't mean I want to end that relationship I just have to find a way to deal with it and she needs to get some education...

The second dream was last night. My sister and I were in the car with my mom driving. I just got out of dance class and my dance teacher called my sister for some reason then we had to stop at CVS. As we were pulling up in the parking lot, my mom almost hit the side-rail. Then she went over the speed bump and when she was coming to a stop, well she didn't really stop, something stopped the car.  My sister and I looked at each other, asking if she was okay, as something just wasn't right with her as shes an overly cautious driver.....


Not sure what to make of these dreams. I seriously do believe that something is wrong with me now...well besides my eating disorder. haha

recovery doesn't mean everyday is easy...

 I don't like to give alot of eye contact with people these days - I'm scared that if they look at me long enough they will see how truly empty I am inside. When I look at myself in the mirror, trying to gaze into my eyes that pose as a happy young woman with no big worries ...I see nothing.  Just blackness.A rickety mannequin has been built by my mind to fuel the facade for those around me that everything is okay.  People don't take the time to look at me long enough to see the deep cracks and bruises that hide within the mask I wear.  Every day I feel like I am suspended blindly in a silent abyss of constant shadow and fog - a certain coldness abounds my being that I am aware of, but don't really feel...All I feel is the dull buzzing of numbness that rattles from inside the cavity of my chest. To my mom,  I am nothing but my eating disorder. All my thoughts and actions are anorexia. I am literally a walking disease. I want to be soooo much more I know I can be, should be, would be if I haven't developed this mind boggling disease. Maybe I am just my eating disorder. I mean everything i do and say are related in someway, living a certain way for 8 years you are bound to be a certain way, right? Am I really that low self-esteemed? a liar? sneaky? I know, I am the one who admitted that I had a problem, and I know that is a huge step in my recovery, but i sometimes feel like it was also the worse mistake I ever made. If I hadn't confessed, then I wouldn't be analyzed under a microscope. I guess im just confused. I try to be honest with everyone and when I am, I get nothing but lectures so i feel like what's the point? I am not allowed to have bad thoughts about myself or im in ed. so then i don't talk and that means im in ed too...so you can see my delimma. I recently fought with my mom, I opened up and told her my body image issues, and she got concerned. I explained that it was just thoughts, and that everyone ed's or no ed's can and do have bad days where they just dont like how they look. and its just not realistic or fair to me to expect me to not have bad days. Not that I want bad days, i just want to be able to have bad days. it's a normal part of life, and if people are expecting this, then im sorry i'm already a disappointment. 

Life Vest

My life has become more crazy than what it was before. And I didn't think that was even possible! I'm working now, seeing my therapist, and nutritionist once a week. Yes I finally got a nutrtionist. She's nice but she also struggles with ed, so at times it can be triggering. For instance, today I saw her and last week she blind weighed me. Well today I gave her a smirk and got on the scale, thinking she would forget and she didn't but she let me see it anyway. She keeps getting pissed at me because the past two weeks I have lost weight. Which today she told me the amount I lost, and honestly it's not that much. so it's not a big deal...well according to her it is, when "you're not suppose to be losing any" But what I really like about her is that she emphazies the words "try" and "attempt" rather than do, so I don't feel as much as a failure. Therapy is getting intense, we are talking about some hardcore problems and my mom for some reason thinks that im not talking about my "real issues". Hello, it's my therapy session, let me talk about what I want to talk about...(hello ed) I don't know why, but my mom is for some reason a huge trigger to me. Everytime I talk to her I feel frustrated, and upset. She only comes to me when she has a problem with something I said or did. So that is the NUMBER ONE reason why I am clinging on to ed. Because otherwise, she would never come to me...also a huge role in my feeling "not good enough" I was suppose to go to my dad's this past weekend and shocker...it didn't work out. And my mom is convinced that I am the one creating drama about it because I cried for two dayys...well im sorry do you know how shitty it feels to feel rejected by your own father over and over again? To feel like you are grieving for someone but that someone is still alive? but wants absolutely nothing to do with you, because they are too sick in their drinking? (on a side note...my nutritionist today told me that since my dad is a alcholic I have the genes so I have to work twice as hard to overcome ed-sounds promising. I think its already hard enough no, lets add this in too) Speaking of Ed....well he is completely in control the past month or so now. I have been restricting and being called on it and it pisses me off so what do I do, I get rid of it. Yes I do realize im truely only hurting myself. By try convincing me that when Im in the moment...I went two weeks without cutting and that's gone now. Ive been fantastizing about my death. Thinking how would people react if they found me one day in my room. I feel like I am floating in the water, with a life vest holding onto it for dear life, and a hellicopter comes to save me and I tell them that I can't let go of my life vest (ed) and they say then we can't help you and fly off.