Dreams...

Seriously what is my problem???

The past two dreams that I remember having consists of my mom. The first one, we had a flood and for some reason I was in the car and safe, and I was yelling at her to get in the car. Then I saw her just whisked away, it was very vivid and I do not want to ever watch my mother die. Maybe it was symbolic. Like how I feel like she doesn't listen to me, (not that I bark orders at her to get in the car) Someone told me that if you dream of someone dying, it means that the relationship is coming to an end. Just great really, I already don't have a relationship with my father, and now I might not have one with my mom? I know my mom is a big trigger to me when it comes to my feelings on worthlessness, and my perfectionism. But that doesn't mean I want to end that relationship I just have to find a way to deal with it and she needs to get some education...

The second dream was last night. My sister and I were in the car with my mom driving. I just got out of dance class and my dance teacher called my sister for some reason then we had to stop at CVS. As we were pulling up in the parking lot, my mom almost hit the side-rail. Then she went over the speed bump and when she was coming to a stop, well she didn't really stop, something stopped the car.  My sister and I looked at each other, asking if she was okay, as something just wasn't right with her as shes an overly cautious driver.....


Not sure what to make of these dreams. I seriously do believe that something is wrong with me now...well besides my eating disorder. haha

recovery doesn't mean everyday is easy...

 I don't like to give alot of eye contact with people these days - I'm scared that if they look at me long enough they will see how truly empty I am inside. When I look at myself in the mirror, trying to gaze into my eyes that pose as a happy young woman with no big worries ...I see nothing.  Just blackness.A rickety mannequin has been built by my mind to fuel the facade for those around me that everything is okay.  People don't take the time to look at me long enough to see the deep cracks and bruises that hide within the mask I wear.  Every day I feel like I am suspended blindly in a silent abyss of constant shadow and fog - a certain coldness abounds my being that I am aware of, but don't really feel...All I feel is the dull buzzing of numbness that rattles from inside the cavity of my chest. To my mom,  I am nothing but my eating disorder. All my thoughts and actions are anorexia. I am literally a walking disease. I want to be soooo much more I know I can be, should be, would be if I haven't developed this mind boggling disease. Maybe I am just my eating disorder. I mean everything i do and say are related in someway, living a certain way for 8 years you are bound to be a certain way, right? Am I really that low self-esteemed? a liar? sneaky? I know, I am the one who admitted that I had a problem, and I know that is a huge step in my recovery, but i sometimes feel like it was also the worse mistake I ever made. If I hadn't confessed, then I wouldn't be analyzed under a microscope. I guess im just confused. I try to be honest with everyone and when I am, I get nothing but lectures so i feel like what's the point? I am not allowed to have bad thoughts about myself or im in ed. so then i don't talk and that means im in ed too...so you can see my delimma. I recently fought with my mom, I opened up and told her my body image issues, and she got concerned. I explained that it was just thoughts, and that everyone ed's or no ed's can and do have bad days where they just dont like how they look. and its just not realistic or fair to me to expect me to not have bad days. Not that I want bad days, i just want to be able to have bad days. it's a normal part of life, and if people are expecting this, then im sorry i'm already a disappointment. 

Life Vest

My life has become more crazy than what it was before. And I didn't think that was even possible! I'm working now, seeing my therapist, and nutritionist once a week. Yes I finally got a nutrtionist. She's nice but she also struggles with ed, so at times it can be triggering. For instance, today I saw her and last week she blind weighed me. Well today I gave her a smirk and got on the scale, thinking she would forget and she didn't but she let me see it anyway. She keeps getting pissed at me because the past two weeks I have lost weight. Which today she told me the amount I lost, and honestly it's not that much. so it's not a big deal...well according to her it is, when "you're not suppose to be losing any" But what I really like about her is that she emphazies the words "try" and "attempt" rather than do, so I don't feel as much as a failure. Therapy is getting intense, we are talking about some hardcore problems and my mom for some reason thinks that im not talking about my "real issues". Hello, it's my therapy session, let me talk about what I want to talk about...(hello ed) I don't know why, but my mom is for some reason a huge trigger to me. Everytime I talk to her I feel frustrated, and upset. She only comes to me when she has a problem with something I said or did. So that is the NUMBER ONE reason why I am clinging on to ed. Because otherwise, she would never come to me...also a huge role in my feeling "not good enough" I was suppose to go to my dad's this past weekend and shocker...it didn't work out. And my mom is convinced that I am the one creating drama about it because I cried for two dayys...well im sorry do you know how shitty it feels to feel rejected by your own father over and over again? To feel like you are grieving for someone but that someone is still alive? but wants absolutely nothing to do with you, because they are too sick in their drinking? (on a side note...my nutritionist today told me that since my dad is a alcholic I have the genes so I have to work twice as hard to overcome ed-sounds promising. I think its already hard enough no, lets add this in too) Speaking of Ed....well he is completely in control the past month or so now. I have been restricting and being called on it and it pisses me off so what do I do, I get rid of it. Yes I do realize im truely only hurting myself. By try convincing me that when Im in the moment...I went two weeks without cutting and that's gone now. Ive been fantastizing about my death. Thinking how would people react if they found me one day in my room. I feel like I am floating in the water, with a life vest holding onto it for dear life, and a hellicopter comes to save me and I tell them that I can't let go of my life vest (ed) and they say then we can't help you and fly off.

Trying to keep calm

So I am not in the best place. Not at the worse either. i feel like im just stuck. Can't move. Im at a dead end woth no u-turns.

First, I was asked to write an article to raise awareness on eating disorders...which I was pretty excited about, and others - well not so much. We ended up getting into this big fight (two people) and they decided to stop talking to me because of it. Everyone else said it was good and inspiring. But I am a people pleaser and frankly its really bothering me that they refuse to talk to me anymore. I think its kinda immature, and i am trying so hard to not let it get to me. as it has nothing to do with me. I mean i didnt go to the magazine asking, they came to me. And I always wanted to share my story to touch someone who is struggling or someone who has a loved one who is. A lot of people are saying its jealously. but im not too sure.

I also got a job. It is going okay, good pay for not a lot of work. but my boss has anger issues and I tend to flashback when I am anywhere near anger. I just dont mangage well. When I do I cut. So that has helpde with my depression as I have been really depressed. But it nondepressed state didnt last long. As I am still not in school and still not driving. Still not back home. Apprently because of the seizures I have to wait a year to drive (i thought it was 6 months). My mom said I could come home in Oct well oct is almost here and she pushed the date back...and school. My school offers classes online that I could do but I have always worked my butt off in school and I deserve to walk with a class and not get my degree in the mail. Thats the one thing that I feel like I DO deserve and even that I can't get.

And i was trying to get a treatment team together to find out that my mom took me off her insurance...but luckily i already have a therapist and she recommended this dietician to me who is willing to work with me and shes the only one around here that knows about anorexia.

Update

So it was brought to my attention that I haven't updated this in a while so here we go. . .

About two nights ago, I had an er visit for throwing up blood and collapsing. All I remember is, getting up and reaching for my uncles arm. So obviously, concerned came about. The doctors said my electrolytes were low, and I was dehydrated, and the increased my Nexium (as the throwing up blood happened before-ironically last time it happened is when they diagnosed me with Anorexia). I was sent home after a ivs. Well two days passed, still working out, still restricting, and still purging. My mom got concerned with some pictures I posted on Facebook and told my aunt to weigh me, she said she would, few more days pass and out of nowhere she did. At first she said I stayed the same weight-which was a relief that I passed the test, but a bummer for I thought I lost weight. The next day I was freaking out, since someone told me that I look like I weigh 120lbs, and harrassed my aunt to tell me my weight. Of course she refused to do so, but she did confirm that I am not 120-so that brought more questions. was it under 100, was it two or three digits? this she woulnt answer either but she did finally tell me that I did lose weight but she didnt want me to get the "high" from knowing it. And she will continue to weigh me and if it drops again is when we will have a problem. That same day, she found a bag that I purged in earlier, and told me that was my warning, and not to make a habit of it. That's it. Kinda a relief again.

Next story. Today I was waken up by my sister calling me. She told me that she was getting married on Wednesday.(in less than a week) Everyone knew but me and she didnt want me to find out through facebook. im still not entirely sure on why she was fearful of telling me. But I have a feeling its because she is normally concerned with how I feel about her boyfriends. (yup thats right...i havent even met him yet) And her boyfriends are usually abusive or into drugs. I told her im trying to be happy, but its really fast (they only went out for a month so far). Also she is coming to visit me on Saturday (she isnt having a wedding like a las vegas thing-just a party a month later) and thats when I freaked. I said I was worried about meeting this stranger and now I am meeting a stranger, a brother in law and her husband. She just moved in with him, and they are looking for a two bedroom apartment...any guess why? Well we think its a rushed, and the whole bigger apartment we think one thing-shes pregnant...

Next story...
I worked with this one girl whos boyfriend took advantage of me(which yes she knows about it) well they apparently broke up. According to him. And another girl is apparently married to him. So two girls are saying they are with him one way or another and hes saying he's not. Also his "wife" is 7 months pregnant. Well she just got out of jail for beating up the girl I worked with. And now the guy is saying that the wife wants to beat me up now. And that I only create drama...not sure how my name is being brought into this...so I messaged the wife and asked her why-she says she never said that and he never said that and she is going to believe her husband...can you say jerry springer?

So hints the reason for not updating...

About to POP

So, I told my mom about how bad things really are right now, and she told me to look into a homeless shelter, because i am not allowed in the house if all I am going to do is kill myself. She won't watch it and my disease effects her and the family too. Okay I get that, but seriously turning your back on me (when you know how i am still hurt by dad leaving) how is that going to help me? It's def just going to make my ed worse. And for once, JUST ONCE can MY ed be about ME and not the whole goddman family? I get it, you guys are effected, imagine how i feel though? I know I hurt you all. not on purpose but I did and I regret it but i cant do anything about it...but the reason why I have an ed, is because you hurt me too. Im just tired of getting the blame, its not like I wanted to live this way.

Thoughts for the day

Today I restricted. I did try to purge but my heat starting hurting again so I was able to stop myself. I wouldn't say that I had a problem with laxatives before. I mean I took them but not like in an abusing manner. Well this week, ive been taking them like everyday. And then my aunt brings me a bottle of milk of magnusium. Because it's cheap and it will help with acne? But honestly, I am not going to be putting it on my face, i will be taking it...

Anyway, today ive been in my head. And like my sponsor says, " I shouldnt go in there alone" But she hasnt been picking up her phone (after I never called her since she returned home from Mexico until I really needed it). But I am starting with a new therapist on Tuesday which I kind of freaking out about. Im totally freaking out about 4th of July, though i don't think it will be a big deal here. I just hate holidays in general so I guess I expect things to go bad (past experience). I feel like im just stuck I mean I know what ed does to me and where it will lead me but I still cant stop. Im not sure I even want to yet, though I think I def hit my bottom with losing school, work, and my home. I know this will sound weird but im terrified of getting better. I told my mom that I am actually more scared to get better than I am of death. If I die, it will be the end. No more thoughts, no more struggle. it would just be over. If I get better I will still have the thoughts, I will still hate my body, I will still fear that nobody cares if im not sick. The biggest one is I would gain weight. Seriously dont judge me, but I would rather die than gain weight.  That's how sick this disease is. It ruins you. It's like an abusive relationship. You know its wrong but you are scared to get out of it....

When will I be able to get out. When will I want to get out?

ED's Turn

This past week I have really been struggling with body image which leads to struggling with actions. I get so upset with myself, because I try, I do, but the second I see that im gaining weight, I freak out and do everything to lose weight and then that fast im back in a cycle that I can't seem to get out of again.

Any way, I figured to let my ed talk for a little bit before it gets out of control again....so here it goes (COULD BE TRIGGERING)

Stefanie,
Why are you sooo damn stupid? These people don't know what it takes to be thin! Stop listening to them! They just want to make you fat, they want to see how stupid you can go with shoveling more and more food down your throat. It's disgusting, repulsive actaully. Let't face it, you will never get rid of me. I'm here, been here, and will continue to be here. Get over it! Tell everyone to back off and let us be. Where were they when all the bad things were going on? They weren't around, I was! If they cared they would of been there. Like me. See you are so lucky that I am a good friend and im waiting for you to come back to your senses.  You know people leave, no matter how much they promise that they wont. But I've been there for everything, start looking at their actions and stop believing every word they say. Don't you miss all the "you look great comments" now your getting "you look healthy" PLEASE you know what that means...it means you are now FAT!!!!! But they wont tell you that so they lie, I wont do that to you. Ill be honest with you, you are fat now! Come on lets get back to the slimming 78 pounds! That's when you started looking good, get back to that and ill help with the remaining weight you would need to lose.  Show them that You do HAVE CONTROL! being so strict with what you eat, gosh people will admire you. Don't you want that again?
Your's always
ED.


Normally, I would write back, but like I said this time I am just going to let ed share his thoughts. But Ill be honest, there wouldn't be much arguing with him right now

About me and ed

I'm 21, I developed Anorexia when I was 14. The year I had two deaths in the family, both grandmoms in the hospital, my sister in the hospital and my dad left. Before I found my ED though I was engaging in self harm. When I was little I had a rough time. My father is a violent alcoholic, my sister also had an eating disorder and my mom was a control freak. My father mainly hit me with belts and mom hit my sister. (and my mom says they divorced because he was violent...which happened when I was 4-so i missed out on experiencing my parenst being together). My mom had an affair and I don't even know who my real father is. But my mom has always tried pushing me to call her boyfriend "Dad". Anyway, I was teased for a speech problem, and once I fixed it, I lost my identity, and I freaked out and became obsessed with my school work. I put a lot of pressure on myself to have the perfect grades but that just didn't seem like enough for me. So I began restricting my food, eating only one meal a day. My school was getting concerned about my weight loss, and I had to eat lunch with the teachers and get weighed every Thursday, still losing weight they decided to call my mom. I went home that night, knowing that i needed to convince her that I was okay. Somehow, it worked, even though she caught me being sick from eating half of a plain bagel. The rest of high school is a blur,all I remember is working on school work, working, restricting, exercising, taking laxatives, cutting counting calories, and being obsessed with my weight. I started college and they offered a free gym so I began working out 7 hours a day. While not eating for 4 days at a time, and when I did I would make myself throw up. Concerns from others was all I heard, and I finally admitted to what I was doing and began seeing a therapist. Within a short time, she recommended an inpatient center. I went but was kicked out after a month for not being cooperative. The time I returned home, I was in and out of hospitals for throwing up blood, having seizures, heart problems, and low blood levels where I needed to get iv infusions. Finally, my mom couldn't deal with it any longer and put me in another treatment center. I was there for 4 months. I didn't do well in the beginning but found out what I needed to do to get back home. So trying to get out of a wheelchair and get rid of the feeding tube I worked on it. Through anytime I saw a weight gain I slipped. The center thought I was okay to go back home, when I was still thinking "I can go home and lose everything again", the day I went home is the day my plan began to take place. It's been almost a year since then and the same thing has been happening, in and out of treatment centers and hospitals. Many feeding tubes, many going back and forth....the only thing that changed was my mom took medical guardianship over me. Meaning I can't make my own decisions to go or not when it comes to my health. I'm 21 and I am suppose to be a 3rd yr college student, but I only have one year behind me since I've haven't lived at my home for over a year now.