What's the point???

What is the point in opening up to someone, getting to know them, care about them when in the end no matter who it is or what they promise...they leave? There's none. I am so tired of being hurt this way. I am so tired of opening up and thinking this person will be different and in the end they are all the same. They always leave. Always. My dad left, and my stepmom, almost my sponsor though she is being distant now. A therapist, Val, Ann, and now Jill. when I say now, yes like hour ago. She told me that she gives up and can't handle me right now. I immediadly start crying saying I knew it. I can't keep opening myself up to people just to get ripped open in the end. But for some reason I always allow it, well this will put an end to it. I'm going to leave everyone. Decision made for them and I get out of feeling this pain, this abandonment.

Stupid Holidays

I don't know if it's just because of the extra stress around food durning this time of the year or im just holding everything in again until I explode...either way it's not a fun place to be at. I have this strong urge to literally pull out my hair. I hate this time of year, not only because the added stress and focus on the food which is not fun for someone who has an ed. but because my birthday is coming up, which makes it offical-another year without doing NOTHING with my life...

People are getting to me too. seems like every person knows how to push my buttons its like a little kid hitting all the buttons on the elevator. I feel like Im not being heard. I don't matter. People don't care, won't notice. The one person who I have grown to accept as my chosen sister well she's kinda leaving...I mean I get that she is having a hard time right now with her own issues but how can I not take it personal when a month has passed and we barely talk now when we talked everynight and its like pulling teeth out trying to get her to open up. And that's if it last more than 5 mins now...I knew this was going to happen, for her to get better and then me still struggling and leaving because im too triggering. But she says its not the case, well sure feels the same but you dont want me feeling abandoned but I feel like im being blown off all the time now and it hurts just the same amount.

Today

Today was a "better bad day" I only purged once and only took two laxatives and exercised.. And I did text my nutritionist like she wanted me to, and she was overjoyed that I'm listening to her. I am very glad that I have a very patient nutritionist and she also had an ed so I dont have to explain myself. So that is always nice. But I feel like I ate way too much today. I actaully bought clothes to not fit me so I would be motivated to lose weight and so far they do fit. Actaully a little big on me. Which is kind of sick, to purposely buy clothes to make yourself fit into them. I seen that commerical about the sizes being sassy and stuff like that and I really think they should do that. haha.

Work was actually good today too, so that always helps with my mood. And I went and hung out with my cousin and made plans for tomarrow before work. It will be nice to not just be stuck in the house. then go to work and come home to bed then do it all over again. So im excited! Finally I have a night where i am not depressed.

My cousin just had a baby too so welcome little Landon Duffy =)


So I thought of my ex today which is never good, and he sent me a message. I don't know what to do. I mean I know I should not talk to him at all. He is nothing but a liar. I feel like a complete idiot. Ok, he was apparent;y A LOT older than what he told me (which I still feel disgusted) and he was married and had 3 kids. I feel like I should of known and I brought it on myself. Something I obviously need to work on, as he was his decision. I don't know  I still take the full blame, as I should have known. He made me lose all respect  for myself. Not that I had any to begin with but this just took everything that I had left =/ He keeps saying things like "time heals all" and " I should never forget my first" Such an ass, really. I kind of feel like if I didn't think of him today he would not of messaged me which is stupid thinking. AHHHH

Nutritionist Appointment....

So today, I texted my nutritionist (Joy) and told her that  I can't come for a second week in a row, well she wasn't happy with me, and said I can't not go again. So I ended up going but I was only there for maybe ten minutes, I told her the truth on why I didn't want to go (not wanting to get weighed) and she made it this big thing about her, that she's not this horrible person who will judge me if I did actaully gained weight. She said she is and my therapist is the number one cheering people behind me, and actaully wants me to gain weight. And that  I can;t not go just because I want to avoid the scale, then she threw it in my face and said, "Today im not even going to weigh you so there" haha. Then I said something to make her realize that I just expect this to go away. Like Ill just decide one day to not purge or restrict and that's it. So she told me a story about one of her other patients and said have "better bad days" Meaning, if I purge x amount of times each day then the next day lessen it by one, and she wants me to text her everyday now saying "I had a better bad day" or "Good day" or whatever. I said okay, she said, so im expecting at least 7 texts until I see you next time. I think she's honestly just trying to prove a point that she is my number one cheerleader at the moment. I don't know I guess I just really needed to let something out. Because I feel like my feet are somewhat back on the ground. Im not just floating around anymore. Like Im still depressed, i don't know maybe im just numb as I tried not purge today, and for me not purging means not eating. So im kind of in the numbing phrase right now. Honestly, I much rather be this way than depressed like I have been and for me purging doesn't numb me out AS MUCH as restricting (still does but im not sucidial tonight for like the first time in a month)

BLAH BLAH BLAH

See this is why IM DONE. I reactivate my facebook and noticed within an hour my step-mom and aunt blocked me. That for me was the last straw. I want to know why, but I also know its just going to upset me and make me more depressed which I don't think can get worse at the moment. So yes more people leaving me. this is why I don't open up to people,

Another reason why  I don't open up to people is because everyone here likes talking about me. Like I had therapy yesterday, and my aunt asked how it went. I told her I was quiet, because im not going to say well we focused on my depression because I really want to call quits, but it wasn't a lie I mean I was quiet. Well she told my mom and my mom, is like "Her being quiet is a bad sign" and this weekend I went for "walks" (runs) and before hand drank an "ensure" (refilled it with zero calorie gatorade) and my mom knows and says, "That means youre not getting your nutritional needs met"...um how about you assume its because im taking care of myself and drinking them so I have calories to burn. I know its stupid to get upset over this as I really didnt drink them. haha. Oh and someone commented on a note I wrote on Facebook, and that means I reposted it, and someone called me out on it and deleted my facebook...like you know everything. I didn't repost anything, someone made a comment and nobody "called me out", I flat out told my mom why I deleted my facebook, but apparently that's not the reason to her. She also knows that I was upset with my sister moving back home, and thinks this might have something to do with it. AGAIN I flat out told you the reason, LISTEN TO ME.

PROOF nobody cares

So I took my facebook down for a few days, as I felt it was pointing out how alone I am. And I also made a point to not to contact anyone unless they contact me. And no surprise, nobody did. They only people who noticed was one friend and my mom and sister. Which proves my point that If I just disappeared not a lot of people would even notice or care. I actaully woke up yesterday crying because of how alone I felt. I had therapy and she says feeling this way is because of my  dad blowing me off again this weekend. Im not sure, I mean I know it plays a part but its not the reason I am just one very very alone young woman who is misunderstood. But on the bright side, I was honest with her about how sucidial I have been lately then she sat there and prayed for me which was a little awkward. That was all she did though, we didnt make a plan or anything in case it gets more tempting than what it is now. Besides her telling me that I really need to take my Celexa (anti-depressants)

Going to the hardware store for bread

I love when I wake up to have a panic attack. Two minutes after I wake up, I get a text from my step-mom...yup they cancelled YET AGAIN. I'm tired of the excuses to not see me. I just want my dad to want to see me, to want to call me, to care about me and to love me. Is that so much to ask for from a parent? apparently. I honestly, can't do it anymore. If they don't want me in their life...wish granted. I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm done with calling them and trying when it's just not going to happen. Like that famous saying, "Going to the hardware store for bread" You keep going there expecting something will be different, expecting something you need will be there.


So I told my uncle why I was upset (as he gets mad when I leave him out of the loop) and he says, "Well i don't know what to tell you" and walks away....so again I don't know what people want from me...do they want me to share or to keep quite. nothing I do seems to be the right thing.

Then I found a support group for eating disorders, near work. And I asked my uncle what is the name of the building because they have groups there. Well he said, "You seem fine, and everytime I turn around you want something more for your ed.. first a therapist, then a nutritionist, now a doctor and groups" well ok yea I have groups, but I was going to face to face meetings before and its a lot different. I found a group around here called celebrate recovery and they didn't want me going because its not just for ed's. So ive been doing phone and online meetings but its not the same. I guess it's true I don't deserve the support that I actually need.

Out of the Loop

So today I called my mom, to tell her that I have osteopenia, she wasn't surprised, she actually thought they diagnoised me with it when I was at Laureate because I was "on the verge of having it". And it wasn't triggering talking to her for once. Though I don't think I actaully have osteopenia as the test could not be accurate but she says that  I still need to take my viactive (calcuim supplements) 3 times a day...

Then I get off the phone with her and my sister texts me, already knowing about this. Then a little later I asked if she moved. And she got curious. Like seriously you are my sister and I can't know where you are living? And she does tell me shes living with our mom. Ok why didn't my mom tell me when I talked to her? How come everyone can know about my bussiness but nobody tells me anything?? seems unfair.

Decisions

So this past week I have made or ED made some stupid decisions....Like on Wednesday, I cancelled my nutrionist appointment. Just because I was too embarrassed and ashamed if (IF) I gained weight to let my nutritionist to see it. Which she wants my number to go up. But I was honest about it with my therapist yesterday and she advised me to talk to her. Which I don't see her not weighing me, considering she is the only one who does in my treatment team. But maybe this coming week I can say, "I know you need to weigh me but can you just not do it this week, because I feel like my number is up and I dont want to be judged differently or feel ashamed. And if you don't tell me I will be wondering and if you don't I will still be wondering" I guess I can always try, but then I don't want to because then that might make her just not show me the number at all anymore. But I do feel better, like I am still struggling but I feel like im letting go of my restricting. I feel like I am eating more, still purging but not to the point where its making me lose weight anymore. I keep telling myself that I will get back on track tomarrow to lose weight but I just don't do it. So I feel like a failure. I feel like im becoming a binge eater. Which my teams tells me that Im not considering that I do still purge and what I eat isn't a binge its a normal amount its just more to me...

I also found out this week that I have Osteopenia. I'll be 22 in 26 days and I have weak bones, stomach issues, severe acid reflex, acute esophagatis, hyperglycemia, and severe anemia....doesn't sound like im 21, sounds like im 82. And its allll because of ed, yet  I still think im "fine" and that "nothing bad will happen to me" NEWSFLASH it is. It has! So shut up ed, your wrong, I have medical issues, that isn't being "fine" or nothing major will happen. Having my problems are serious. So knowing this, do I stop the ed behaviors??? no. because something is seriously wrong with me. I know two people who have died from their ed's, so I know its a result, does that stop me? No...

I have also been thinking a lot of my relationships this week. Like my dad the whole I don't hear from him unless I contact him. Well that is like with all my relationships. Friends. Supports. Family. And I don't feel like its fair to me. Relationships are suppose to be a two way street, they don't work if only one person is driving. And it's really not fair to me. I just want someone to contact me without being told. Someone to care enough to check in with me, or to talk about stupid pointless stuff. I'm just tired of always reaching out and grabbing a hand when nobody grabs for mine. Makes me feel like I am truly a burden that not even my friends want to talk to me anymore. I just want someone to care. (who isn't in my team because im paying them to care).

I am Nobody

I don't know if I can do this any longer...do you know how it feels when both of your parents want nothing to do with their kid? I do. and it sucks...my mom doesn't want me home, and frankly I think she is much happier without me there. She says she doesn't want me there if I'm in my ed, well she thinks that I have like 8 months of recovery (though I think she really knows) and still doesnt want me back. Then my dad. Well we had plans a couple of weeks ago and he cancelled. And we have plans on the 19th and it looks like he will blow me off again. And I only hear from him if I contact him. No phone calls. no visits. nothing. I mean I understood the no visits when I lived two hours away but now im only five mins away. And im tired of just always being the one who has to contact them, to have a relationship with them. Like if I don't call for a while, he will say "hey stranger" umm hello and phone works both ways, he can call me. He can act like the parent every once in a while. I'm tired of being the parent when I don't have kids...I remember the year I went on pointe for dance, and he said that he would be there to see my recital. As it was a big moment for me. Well he didn't show up. For christsakes, he came to my graduation but left before my name was even called.Wasn't there for my award cermonies. He did visit me when I was at Renfrew, however it was only because my mom told him that I was killing myself to get his attention so he stopped by for five mins...and it was torture. Hello im in a treatment center for an eating disorder and you are going to sit there and say, "well at least you're not the sickest/thinnest one here" umm thanks. needless to say I cried at dinner (as it was only like 5 mins before) and refused to eat.

Anyway, my point is that it is clear to me that everyone would continue their life without blinking an eye if  I was gone. Like I said, my dad probably wouldn't even realize as I don't exist to him now, and he probably wouldn't go to my funeral. And my mom well she is already happier with me away from her. I just don't see the point in being in a world where you aren't welcomed by your parents. I'll be 22 soon, and I have nothing accomplished  with my life. Absolutely nothing. I'm literally nothing but a burden to the people who know me. Sure I have my EDA girls, who say they love me and would be upset if I was no longer here, but then again they don't know me. I mean they do to an extent but they never actaully met me before, so im sure they would move on fairly fast. I have nobody. I am nobody.

I'm sorry that I'm not like everyone else....

So Ed was in complete control today...he convinced to me to cancel my nutritionist appointment tomarrow, because I (think) gained weight and "I would be embarrassed if Joy saw my higher weight" (regardless that she wants me to gain weight). So I texted her, fearing that if I called she would ask questions and convince me otherwise...she said okay and wants to still check in on me over the phone. I told her that I won't have privacy. But I was honest about it in my food log (which is a food log/journal) and my therapist reads it and Im sure she will report that to Joy...then ed also already convinced me that tomarrow morning I will be on my own for breakfast as my uncle and aunt have a doctors appointment and I have to stay here to watch my grandmom. So, we have it all planned out. Ill make something for her and me but the dogs will eat mine. So people who don't have eds...that's what we do all day in our heads. We think of things to get out of eating or to run away to purge, then we focus on how we will do it again tomarrow. I think im at a point where I don't even want to argue with ed anymore. He always seems to win and it just exhausts me and makes me feel guilty which is weird because I feel guilty for not doing recovery yet the guilt brings on more ed behaviors. haha.

All I want to is to be normal. I want to be normal with food. And to be okay with my body. I want to think about other things other than calories, and my body. Gosh that makes me sound really vain....

See I come from a family with a lot of problems. My dad is an alcholic, and my sister had an eating disorder (she swicthed from anorexia to binge eating which means "recovered" in my family) and my uncle was big into drugs (and switched to bulimia) Well from my mom there's a lot of pressure on me. Like my sister is "better" and questions me all the time, on why I can't just get better, she got well after she started to lose her hair...well im sorry despite all the problems I have  I still cant get better. I'm sorry im not you and those things don't matter to me as much as they meant to you. What is wrong with me??? And my uncle well her got "better" after some tough love from my grandpa (kicked out) and that is exactly what my mom is doing to me, but the thing with ed's...tough love is not the way to go. We already feel worthless, and then you saying that I can't come back home adds to that, and makes me feel like im a burden that even my mom doesn't want me around...it just seems like no matter what is said and done, it's just not the right thing to me...ughh

Dreams...

Seriously what is my problem???

The past two dreams that I remember having consists of my mom. The first one, we had a flood and for some reason I was in the car and safe, and I was yelling at her to get in the car. Then I saw her just whisked away, it was very vivid and I do not want to ever watch my mother die. Maybe it was symbolic. Like how I feel like she doesn't listen to me, (not that I bark orders at her to get in the car) Someone told me that if you dream of someone dying, it means that the relationship is coming to an end. Just great really, I already don't have a relationship with my father, and now I might not have one with my mom? I know my mom is a big trigger to me when it comes to my feelings on worthlessness, and my perfectionism. But that doesn't mean I want to end that relationship I just have to find a way to deal with it and she needs to get some education...

The second dream was last night. My sister and I were in the car with my mom driving. I just got out of dance class and my dance teacher called my sister for some reason then we had to stop at CVS. As we were pulling up in the parking lot, my mom almost hit the side-rail. Then she went over the speed bump and when she was coming to a stop, well she didn't really stop, something stopped the car.  My sister and I looked at each other, asking if she was okay, as something just wasn't right with her as shes an overly cautious driver.....


Not sure what to make of these dreams. I seriously do believe that something is wrong with me now...well besides my eating disorder. haha

recovery doesn't mean everyday is easy...

 I don't like to give alot of eye contact with people these days - I'm scared that if they look at me long enough they will see how truly empty I am inside. When I look at myself in the mirror, trying to gaze into my eyes that pose as a happy young woman with no big worries ...I see nothing.  Just blackness.A rickety mannequin has been built by my mind to fuel the facade for those around me that everything is okay.  People don't take the time to look at me long enough to see the deep cracks and bruises that hide within the mask I wear.  Every day I feel like I am suspended blindly in a silent abyss of constant shadow and fog - a certain coldness abounds my being that I am aware of, but don't really feel...All I feel is the dull buzzing of numbness that rattles from inside the cavity of my chest. To my mom,  I am nothing but my eating disorder. All my thoughts and actions are anorexia. I am literally a walking disease. I want to be soooo much more I know I can be, should be, would be if I haven't developed this mind boggling disease. Maybe I am just my eating disorder. I mean everything i do and say are related in someway, living a certain way for 8 years you are bound to be a certain way, right? Am I really that low self-esteemed? a liar? sneaky? I know, I am the one who admitted that I had a problem, and I know that is a huge step in my recovery, but i sometimes feel like it was also the worse mistake I ever made. If I hadn't confessed, then I wouldn't be analyzed under a microscope. I guess im just confused. I try to be honest with everyone and when I am, I get nothing but lectures so i feel like what's the point? I am not allowed to have bad thoughts about myself or im in ed. so then i don't talk and that means im in ed too...so you can see my delimma. I recently fought with my mom, I opened up and told her my body image issues, and she got concerned. I explained that it was just thoughts, and that everyone ed's or no ed's can and do have bad days where they just dont like how they look. and its just not realistic or fair to me to expect me to not have bad days. Not that I want bad days, i just want to be able to have bad days. it's a normal part of life, and if people are expecting this, then im sorry i'm already a disappointment. 

Life Vest

My life has become more crazy than what it was before. And I didn't think that was even possible! I'm working now, seeing my therapist, and nutritionist once a week. Yes I finally got a nutrtionist. She's nice but she also struggles with ed, so at times it can be triggering. For instance, today I saw her and last week she blind weighed me. Well today I gave her a smirk and got on the scale, thinking she would forget and she didn't but she let me see it anyway. She keeps getting pissed at me because the past two weeks I have lost weight. Which today she told me the amount I lost, and honestly it's not that much. so it's not a big deal...well according to her it is, when "you're not suppose to be losing any" But what I really like about her is that she emphazies the words "try" and "attempt" rather than do, so I don't feel as much as a failure. Therapy is getting intense, we are talking about some hardcore problems and my mom for some reason thinks that im not talking about my "real issues". Hello, it's my therapy session, let me talk about what I want to talk about...(hello ed) I don't know why, but my mom is for some reason a huge trigger to me. Everytime I talk to her I feel frustrated, and upset. She only comes to me when she has a problem with something I said or did. So that is the NUMBER ONE reason why I am clinging on to ed. Because otherwise, she would never come to me...also a huge role in my feeling "not good enough" I was suppose to go to my dad's this past weekend and shocker...it didn't work out. And my mom is convinced that I am the one creating drama about it because I cried for two dayys...well im sorry do you know how shitty it feels to feel rejected by your own father over and over again? To feel like you are grieving for someone but that someone is still alive? but wants absolutely nothing to do with you, because they are too sick in their drinking? (on a side note...my nutritionist today told me that since my dad is a alcholic I have the genes so I have to work twice as hard to overcome ed-sounds promising. I think its already hard enough no, lets add this in too) Speaking of Ed....well he is completely in control the past month or so now. I have been restricting and being called on it and it pisses me off so what do I do, I get rid of it. Yes I do realize im truely only hurting myself. By try convincing me that when Im in the moment...I went two weeks without cutting and that's gone now. Ive been fantastizing about my death. Thinking how would people react if they found me one day in my room. I feel like I am floating in the water, with a life vest holding onto it for dear life, and a hellicopter comes to save me and I tell them that I can't let go of my life vest (ed) and they say then we can't help you and fly off.

Trying to keep calm

So I am not in the best place. Not at the worse either. i feel like im just stuck. Can't move. Im at a dead end woth no u-turns.

First, I was asked to write an article to raise awareness on eating disorders...which I was pretty excited about, and others - well not so much. We ended up getting into this big fight (two people) and they decided to stop talking to me because of it. Everyone else said it was good and inspiring. But I am a people pleaser and frankly its really bothering me that they refuse to talk to me anymore. I think its kinda immature, and i am trying so hard to not let it get to me. as it has nothing to do with me. I mean i didnt go to the magazine asking, they came to me. And I always wanted to share my story to touch someone who is struggling or someone who has a loved one who is. A lot of people are saying its jealously. but im not too sure.

I also got a job. It is going okay, good pay for not a lot of work. but my boss has anger issues and I tend to flashback when I am anywhere near anger. I just dont mangage well. When I do I cut. So that has helpde with my depression as I have been really depressed. But it nondepressed state didnt last long. As I am still not in school and still not driving. Still not back home. Apprently because of the seizures I have to wait a year to drive (i thought it was 6 months). My mom said I could come home in Oct well oct is almost here and she pushed the date back...and school. My school offers classes online that I could do but I have always worked my butt off in school and I deserve to walk with a class and not get my degree in the mail. Thats the one thing that I feel like I DO deserve and even that I can't get.

And i was trying to get a treatment team together to find out that my mom took me off her insurance...but luckily i already have a therapist and she recommended this dietician to me who is willing to work with me and shes the only one around here that knows about anorexia.

Update

So it was brought to my attention that I haven't updated this in a while so here we go. . .

About two nights ago, I had an er visit for throwing up blood and collapsing. All I remember is, getting up and reaching for my uncles arm. So obviously, concerned came about. The doctors said my electrolytes were low, and I was dehydrated, and the increased my Nexium (as the throwing up blood happened before-ironically last time it happened is when they diagnosed me with Anorexia). I was sent home after a ivs. Well two days passed, still working out, still restricting, and still purging. My mom got concerned with some pictures I posted on Facebook and told my aunt to weigh me, she said she would, few more days pass and out of nowhere she did. At first she said I stayed the same weight-which was a relief that I passed the test, but a bummer for I thought I lost weight. The next day I was freaking out, since someone told me that I look like I weigh 120lbs, and harrassed my aunt to tell me my weight. Of course she refused to do so, but she did confirm that I am not 120-so that brought more questions. was it under 100, was it two or three digits? this she woulnt answer either but she did finally tell me that I did lose weight but she didnt want me to get the "high" from knowing it. And she will continue to weigh me and if it drops again is when we will have a problem. That same day, she found a bag that I purged in earlier, and told me that was my warning, and not to make a habit of it. That's it. Kinda a relief again.

Next story. Today I was waken up by my sister calling me. She told me that she was getting married on Wednesday.(in less than a week) Everyone knew but me and she didnt want me to find out through facebook. im still not entirely sure on why she was fearful of telling me. But I have a feeling its because she is normally concerned with how I feel about her boyfriends. (yup thats right...i havent even met him yet) And her boyfriends are usually abusive or into drugs. I told her im trying to be happy, but its really fast (they only went out for a month so far). Also she is coming to visit me on Saturday (she isnt having a wedding like a las vegas thing-just a party a month later) and thats when I freaked. I said I was worried about meeting this stranger and now I am meeting a stranger, a brother in law and her husband. She just moved in with him, and they are looking for a two bedroom apartment...any guess why? Well we think its a rushed, and the whole bigger apartment we think one thing-shes pregnant...

Next story...
I worked with this one girl whos boyfriend took advantage of me(which yes she knows about it) well they apparently broke up. According to him. And another girl is apparently married to him. So two girls are saying they are with him one way or another and hes saying he's not. Also his "wife" is 7 months pregnant. Well she just got out of jail for beating up the girl I worked with. And now the guy is saying that the wife wants to beat me up now. And that I only create drama...not sure how my name is being brought into this...so I messaged the wife and asked her why-she says she never said that and he never said that and she is going to believe her husband...can you say jerry springer?

So hints the reason for not updating...

About to POP

So, I told my mom about how bad things really are right now, and she told me to look into a homeless shelter, because i am not allowed in the house if all I am going to do is kill myself. She won't watch it and my disease effects her and the family too. Okay I get that, but seriously turning your back on me (when you know how i am still hurt by dad leaving) how is that going to help me? It's def just going to make my ed worse. And for once, JUST ONCE can MY ed be about ME and not the whole goddman family? I get it, you guys are effected, imagine how i feel though? I know I hurt you all. not on purpose but I did and I regret it but i cant do anything about it...but the reason why I have an ed, is because you hurt me too. Im just tired of getting the blame, its not like I wanted to live this way.

Thoughts for the day

Today I restricted. I did try to purge but my heat starting hurting again so I was able to stop myself. I wouldn't say that I had a problem with laxatives before. I mean I took them but not like in an abusing manner. Well this week, ive been taking them like everyday. And then my aunt brings me a bottle of milk of magnusium. Because it's cheap and it will help with acne? But honestly, I am not going to be putting it on my face, i will be taking it...

Anyway, today ive been in my head. And like my sponsor says, " I shouldnt go in there alone" But she hasnt been picking up her phone (after I never called her since she returned home from Mexico until I really needed it). But I am starting with a new therapist on Tuesday which I kind of freaking out about. Im totally freaking out about 4th of July, though i don't think it will be a big deal here. I just hate holidays in general so I guess I expect things to go bad (past experience). I feel like im just stuck I mean I know what ed does to me and where it will lead me but I still cant stop. Im not sure I even want to yet, though I think I def hit my bottom with losing school, work, and my home. I know this will sound weird but im terrified of getting better. I told my mom that I am actually more scared to get better than I am of death. If I die, it will be the end. No more thoughts, no more struggle. it would just be over. If I get better I will still have the thoughts, I will still hate my body, I will still fear that nobody cares if im not sick. The biggest one is I would gain weight. Seriously dont judge me, but I would rather die than gain weight.  That's how sick this disease is. It ruins you. It's like an abusive relationship. You know its wrong but you are scared to get out of it....

When will I be able to get out. When will I want to get out?

ED's Turn

This past week I have really been struggling with body image which leads to struggling with actions. I get so upset with myself, because I try, I do, but the second I see that im gaining weight, I freak out and do everything to lose weight and then that fast im back in a cycle that I can't seem to get out of again.

Any way, I figured to let my ed talk for a little bit before it gets out of control again....so here it goes (COULD BE TRIGGERING)

Stefanie,
Why are you sooo damn stupid? These people don't know what it takes to be thin! Stop listening to them! They just want to make you fat, they want to see how stupid you can go with shoveling more and more food down your throat. It's disgusting, repulsive actaully. Let't face it, you will never get rid of me. I'm here, been here, and will continue to be here. Get over it! Tell everyone to back off and let us be. Where were they when all the bad things were going on? They weren't around, I was! If they cared they would of been there. Like me. See you are so lucky that I am a good friend and im waiting for you to come back to your senses.  You know people leave, no matter how much they promise that they wont. But I've been there for everything, start looking at their actions and stop believing every word they say. Don't you miss all the "you look great comments" now your getting "you look healthy" PLEASE you know what that means...it means you are now FAT!!!!! But they wont tell you that so they lie, I wont do that to you. Ill be honest with you, you are fat now! Come on lets get back to the slimming 78 pounds! That's when you started looking good, get back to that and ill help with the remaining weight you would need to lose.  Show them that You do HAVE CONTROL! being so strict with what you eat, gosh people will admire you. Don't you want that again?
Your's always
ED.


Normally, I would write back, but like I said this time I am just going to let ed share his thoughts. But Ill be honest, there wouldn't be much arguing with him right now

About me and ed

I'm 21, I developed Anorexia when I was 14. The year I had two deaths in the family, both grandmoms in the hospital, my sister in the hospital and my dad left. Before I found my ED though I was engaging in self harm. When I was little I had a rough time. My father is a violent alcoholic, my sister also had an eating disorder and my mom was a control freak. My father mainly hit me with belts and mom hit my sister. (and my mom says they divorced because he was violent...which happened when I was 4-so i missed out on experiencing my parenst being together). My mom had an affair and I don't even know who my real father is. But my mom has always tried pushing me to call her boyfriend "Dad". Anyway, I was teased for a speech problem, and once I fixed it, I lost my identity, and I freaked out and became obsessed with my school work. I put a lot of pressure on myself to have the perfect grades but that just didn't seem like enough for me. So I began restricting my food, eating only one meal a day. My school was getting concerned about my weight loss, and I had to eat lunch with the teachers and get weighed every Thursday, still losing weight they decided to call my mom. I went home that night, knowing that i needed to convince her that I was okay. Somehow, it worked, even though she caught me being sick from eating half of a plain bagel. The rest of high school is a blur,all I remember is working on school work, working, restricting, exercising, taking laxatives, cutting counting calories, and being obsessed with my weight. I started college and they offered a free gym so I began working out 7 hours a day. While not eating for 4 days at a time, and when I did I would make myself throw up. Concerns from others was all I heard, and I finally admitted to what I was doing and began seeing a therapist. Within a short time, she recommended an inpatient center. I went but was kicked out after a month for not being cooperative. The time I returned home, I was in and out of hospitals for throwing up blood, having seizures, heart problems, and low blood levels where I needed to get iv infusions. Finally, my mom couldn't deal with it any longer and put me in another treatment center. I was there for 4 months. I didn't do well in the beginning but found out what I needed to do to get back home. So trying to get out of a wheelchair and get rid of the feeding tube I worked on it. Through anytime I saw a weight gain I slipped. The center thought I was okay to go back home, when I was still thinking "I can go home and lose everything again", the day I went home is the day my plan began to take place. It's been almost a year since then and the same thing has been happening, in and out of treatment centers and hospitals. Many feeding tubes, many going back and forth....the only thing that changed was my mom took medical guardianship over me. Meaning I can't make my own decisions to go or not when it comes to my health. I'm 21 and I am suppose to be a 3rd yr college student, but I only have one year behind me since I've haven't lived at my home for over a year now.