No way, No how am I letting this be more than what it is

Today I had a very productive therapy session. I really opened up. I talked about things that I thought I would never talk about. Not in detail like I did today. I was honest, most importantly. I told her how I acted out yesterday despite how easy it would be to lie, to hid and continue to act out. Despite the fear that I disappointed her. I told her. Honestly, even with my black and white thinking of recovery being perfect I think being honest put me back on track. I mean  I wanted to to purge in Denise's office (which I told her that I thought "ok I have denise tomorrow and I can purge all day, purge there and then get a shower after dinner and purge then too" and she made a joke saying "oh then i think you need a new therapist"haha) But for some reason, I didn't go into the bathroom at denise's office. I walked right past it and she came out and  I hesitated going into her office and as I soon as I sat down  I told her. I told what I did. I told her how bad I felt but at the same time how I felt like it threw all the progress I made and I won't be able to get back on track. She saw the cuts and was a little concerned about how bad I did it this time. but she was not mad at me. She made me come up with a list of the positives so that if I were to purge I could try to stop myself this time, because yesterday I didn't stop to think. I just, well ed thought and took over. Anyway, it was either because I was honest or because  I really let things out today that  I not want to purge tonight. I feel so much weight lifted off my shoulders, and that pressure that  I can have slips and not be in a relapse is gone. I can, today is a new day and I can do it again if I did it for 9 weeks already. It can just be one time.

Then I called my mom, and I again really opened up with her. I don't remember thinking of what I was talking about it was just coming out. Which normally ends me in trouble and really regretting it. But not today. I told her, "I can't lie to you, because than I will think I can get away with it, that it's okay and it's not okay" And I told her. She surprisingly took it well, asked what triggers me and what makes it harder than other days. She also asked how  I can allow myself to move forward. make today a new day. I told her that I don't want to be who I was. When I am in ed, I am selfish, and everything is all or nothing, life or death and I don't want that again. And  I opened up to her about my dad. Told her that I know its a wrong thing to say, but my dad is dead to me. I mean really, we haven't talked. He was never there for me, ever. Not once do I remember being around for something that might have been stupid but very important to me. And I think I finally let go. That I am no longer willing to literally kill myself to be someone Im not for him and still not being good enough.  And  I will stick to my word, I do not  want that toxic relationship in my life, and I know he is my father...biologically, but a dad, he's not and he never was. I will not communicate with him unless things changed. I refuse to repeatedly get hurt by him. I am an adult now, and  I need to protect myself, I will not let it happen anymore.

Then for the first time ever.... I told my mom that I know that money was tight growing up. I remember one time, that I got in a fight with my best friend and  I wanted to get this mini skateboard to give me something to do durning the day. I remember her saying no, and I remember getting upset. Then a few days pass and she buys it for me and says sorry she wasn't thinking of me...I was a kid. I didn't know better, but now  I see it. I know that she said no because she didnt have the money, and she got it for me when she did. She wanted to make me happy. I know money was tight, and that she tried and I appricate it. I started crying, and she started crying and said "Thank God I am getting my daughter back. Thank god you are opening your eyes, that  I tried. I wanted you happy, I wanted to protect you but  I was always the monster and your dad was always the hero" (not sure why dad is the hero but she does have a point he was to me...) Then I sat down and realized that my perspective is changing. It's not so cloudy anymore. It's like before, I was in this tornado and I was mixed in with everything else spinning around, seeing nothing but the storm..but now. I found a safe place and I can still see the storm and I can still see everything that is spinning around making a mess of things, but I am safe. Honestly with how today went, if things don't work out with my sister that m mom might consider me coming back home. I see the progress I made now. I see that I changed. And I don't want to turn back now. This is a much better way to live.

Well...time to eat dinner....so back off ed, you are not winning. Not today.

Helpless

Well 9weeks left me. I told someone what I did and they said I still have those 9 weeks and tomorrow is a new day but I know what I did opened the door back up. I know it's going to be 10x harder to say no. I am already planning on how I'll be able to purge tomorrow. This is what I meant by not being able to do anything safe. One time and it makes my head go crazy and plan everything out. I knew I was relapsing but I didn't do anything about it. I saw myself beginning to isolate and to obsess about my body. I saw when I was restricting, which I have to be honest with myself was a lot longer than just this past week. I am really struggling with inner issues. I am having flashbacks I am disossicating I am having nightmares and that seems to always get me in a relapse I am actually impressed that I lasted as long as I did. I've been thinking nonstop about my past and it's extremely frustrating because I don't remember any of it besides getting hit. I was told this is a coping mechanism but you would think I would block out the bad things and keep the good, not the other way around. I think I did good with really thinking about it tonight. I allowed myself to cry, however I did end the night with purging and cutting. It's a twisted cycle I feel like I haven't gotten over this because when I talk about it I'm in Ed and I don't process it and I need to talk about it when I'm not in ed but than I get overwhelmed and I revert backwards. That is my cycle. I'm stuck. I'm completely lost. I dont know who I am. I feel like I am missing pieces to a puzzle and I won't know who I am until I find those pieces and I don't know if I'll ever be able to find them. and i have a right to know my past to know who i am. I am tired of family coming to me and telling me how i lived i mean my dad denied the fact he hit when my therapist called him so how do i know what they tell me is true? Im tired of being asked if i remember this or that when i have no clue what they are talking about. Everything is blank. I feel like there is this barrier around me and I can't find a way out and I am too weak to knock it down. I feel like nobody ever protected me and I feel like a hypocrite because I dont even protect me. I view myself as this little girl and I am even hurting her. So how can I be mad at them when I am doing the same thing?

It sucks because the main reason(that I know of anyway) why I am so self -destructive why I am in so much pain someone else is going through. And I can't do anything about it to help. Sure I can listen and I know it might help but I can't stop it from happening. And with everything I have in me I wish I could. It breaks my heart I don't care who you are or what you did nobody deserves this. Being hit isnt just about being hit. It takes away your self worth, your self respect your sense of protection. Your sense of trust. And the respect from others. It makes you feel like a bad person who for an unknown reason deserves to be punished. All the guilt and blame that you take for it when its not yours to take, its not your fault that something like this happens, it is theirs. And I feel bad because when I talk about my issues I think of others who have it 10x worse than I do. I'm just a little girl who can do absolutely nothing but sit and watch/listen. I'm helpless. I can't stop it from happening to me how can I help to stop it for someone else?

Today I allowed myself to cry and I actually admitted to myself that I was/am abused. I tell everyone that I was hit... But I never use "abused" and I keep telling myself it was for disclipine but I don't remember what I did so horrible to deserve it and even if I did deserve to get a smack I didn't deserve the extent of what it was.

I also thought back today of my ex and how any self respect I had left disappeared when I started dating him, honestly I dated him because he agreed with me. it was like my Ed in person. But I do feel gross and stupid, somehow that turned Into me thinking of my molestation. Like details... I just want to be normal and I want to move on and I want my head to shut up about everything...even for just a day.

Probably triggering...but i don't care it's MY blog

Things have been getting out of control. I know that, but  I just really don't know if  I care anymore. I mean  I do because of my unborn neice but other than that I have no fight in me whatsoever. My exercise has gotten bad. I know I shouldn't be doing it, despite my teams concerns but also because my body is already sore and exercising makes it worse, because when I exercise I can't stop. Like I can't do a half an hour workout and be done with it. No I have to do everything I know. And I know my restricting is bad lately. Okay like my nutritionist wants me to eat at least 1200 calories a day...right now im not even eating that in a week. It's weird because I got to the half way point (500-600 a day) and I was okay with it, besides a few urges I was okay. Now I'm just not. My uncle confronted me the other day because he noticed that I am refusing snack and things work out that I only eat once a day right now. He said something and I knew it was ed related when I got defensive and felt like saying, "Leave me alone" Then on friday he didn't go into work, and my first thought was, "Shit how will I be able to only eat once today?" Like right now, I am eating 200-300 a day and even that seems to be a problem for me. And it's not like im gaining. I mean I am burning it off. I am keeping it in but I know I am burning it off. And I know that I have lost weight again, I can literally see it. Just sucks because just last week my therapist told me that  I holding on and she would take IP off the list right now. I see her tomorrow and when I hand her my food log (which has also gotten a bit obsessive like  I even logged the number of cough drops I had) this past week that IP thing might be put back on the possiblity list. Despite that I still have not purged (9weeks now)  I don't even know what is going on with me. Like I know that I have a lot going on, but I have always had that, and I was doing better. I was eating 2-3 times a day...now if I have to eat twice I freak out, even yesterday I only ate once and this is when I know its my ed and not because I just dont feel good...last night I told my uncle  I would make sure that I would eat again because he knew i restricted and he went to bed...A few hours past and I get up and make something to eat but found a creative way to get rid of it. I know its ed because  I was sneaky, i'm hiding it. To literally make food disappear so he thinks I kept my word but in the end not actaully eating it. I just feel like I am accomplishing something. I don't know if that is like "another pound lost" goal but I just feel like relieved, proud I don't know... that at least I am doing something right. (though ed just jumped in to tell me that im not because I still refuse to purge) I think I honestly refuse to purge because that is what is making me think that  I am doing better, that  I am in recovery. but then I also know I am not in recovery, I stopped doing what my team asked, I'm not even trying...im hiding, i'm lying, i'm being sneaky, im making excuses...this is all because of my ed. not me. And I know deep down I am not eating enough because I started to get these cuts on the corners of my mouth again, which means malnutrition and that i am dehydrated along with my anemia levels/blood sugar levels dropping.

I had someone tell me that  I am still in recovery, because I am still tying. And that I don't have to be so hard on myself, and that it doesn't have to be "perfect" and so black and white. This sent me in a whirlwind. Honestly, I was spinning around in circles with every thought that came into mind. I think I am still thinking that recovery means behavior free. That one morning  I will choose to be a normal person with food and that this battle will be over with me. That easy. I think I am expecting it because that is how I handled purging, I mean  I still get urges but I just decided not to do it one day and I haven't gone back to it (though I will admit I don't get urges to purge that much but when I do it seems impossible to "disobey") That is how my restricting and exercising should work too...By all means, I have not been doing it perfectly, I have skipped snack a few times, but not like this past week. And  I felt like when I was eating the 2 meals and 1 snack that it was enough food. I ate enough, I ate more than enough but my therapist tells me i am not even close to eating enough yet. I was never close. So even when I feel like  I am eating enough is still restricting??? then Ill never be better. I think recovery does have to be perfect, and I know I have problems with perfectionism but I really think I get this from my mom...according to her having even bad thoughts means  I am not in recovery. Recovery means no behaviors, AND no thoughts of behaviors...that is to my mom anyway (which makes things a bit harder for me) For me  I feel like I can't do anything safe. It is all or nothing. Like if I purge once, it means I won't be able to stop again. It will be more than once. I think that is why my restricting is out of control. Monday I was sick and didn't eat much and now look where it landed me...my normal right now is eating once a day, which I know it's not normal. So because of that, I can't do something once and then stop myself again, means my recovery cannot have any slip ups, it has to be perfect. Maybe it is a hard expectation on me, but it is what it is =) (hate this girl who got me obsessed with that damn quote)

So that is where I am today. Everything is scrambled and I know I am not making any sense. That's my head for you. Everything is so complex and confusing and twisted right now. Denise is going to have fun with me tomorrow trying to make sense of everything and trying to keep me focused at the same time...good luck denise, I know you read this so yea just good luck haha

Rethinking...

I think I need to sit myself down and really think about things. I feel like nobody else cares about their recovery so why should I care about mine? I think i'm trying to find an excuse to make it okay to be in my ed. Well more than what I already am. I know it still has a grip me on me, Monday I barely ate.. and i'm sick and still exercising, which I think is a normal amount but my sponsor doesn't feel that way plus she thinks its an ed thing considering i'm hiding it...only doing it in my room or when everyone is asleep. I'm holding onto that I haven't purged 8 weeks. But I feel that disappearing soon, I keep thinking to myself, well you already screwed up so...or it's just once. Just once...but i know it won't be i know it will take that one time and ill be hooked again and frankly its kinda scary like i don't want to purge to numb out I want to purge to throw up. My sponsor thinks I am second guessing recovery, because I emailed her the other day asking if she cares the same amount when i'm in recovery verses when i'm in ed (besides getting fat this is one major fear for me-that people will stop caring). And I keep asking myself, "Am I really that much happier?" Kind of like asking myself if anything has really changed since i stopped purging. And I know I shouldn't because I am having chest pains lately and i know purging won't help that, but I don't know if I care anymore. It doesn't seem like much has changed. I mean i'm still up here, still not working, still not in school...and I know going back to being full blown in my ed will keep those things away from me but I honestly don't see them coming back to me anyway. I was also looking through some pictures and honestly I don't want to look the way I did before ed. Also I don't want to look like others. Like okay, I'm sorry but my sponsor has 16 years of recovery now and she looks good and she seems happy but I still don't want her body. I mean she's not fat but I just I don't want it for me. And I was looking at Jenni Schaefer and I am glad she got her recovery but it seems scary to me to think that I will be able to say "I had an ed, not have, had" And it's even scarier that  I don't want to be able to say that...

Things that I have noticed that are different
1. When something goes wrong it will bother me but not send me into sucidial mode
2. My weight
3. I can stand up for myself
4. According to my Therapist I talk more/set boundries/ask for what I need/better express myself/ and i'm more clear.

Honestly yes I like that fact that i'm not sucidal all the time now, but I absolutely hate my body. Yes I stood up for myself but the times I am thinking about each one I had to be pushed over the limit to do something. It's not like I am standing up for myself the way I should it was just a one time glitch, or rather two time glitch that presented an opportuinity for me to take action... And those are the only changes I notice after 2 months??? And if I'm dying anyway, each day, each second getting closer, i'm just wondering if it's worth it.

First time...

I am getting so annoyed with being asked how I am, and people telling me to be strong or stay strong or hold in there, don't give up....normally I know they are words of encouragement but I feel like a fraud. I feel like it is really holding me back on letting my emotions out. That if I were to cry that would make me weak and I would be a huge disappointment to everyone who is telling me to stay strong. And I don't feel like the words are true. I dont think I am strong. Lately I feel like this fragile little girl, who can be crushed if you were to tell me something as simple as your shoes aren't tied. I had a friend encouraging me over the phone to cry and to scream and I understand what she is doing, but I just can't do it. 1. Not about this. and 2. Everytime we talk on the phone I am usually crying and I make her cry, not like a fight or anything but just with stuff that is going on. I feel like everytime we skype or call one another someone is in tears and I don't want to be known as that girl. The cry baby. I want to stop that habit. And I know it's a good thing, crying letting it out and it's proof to me that  I really do trust her, but my head it just like "stop already, stop crying to her. You weak little girl" despite her saying otherwise.

I had a flashback last night of being abused when I was growing up, which I guess really isn't a total shocker right now. And I start to tear up when my uncle walked in the room. I refused to look at him and found a way to wipe my eyes so he wouldn't notice. I made that mistake once. I was crying to him about again my dad (number one thing I cry about haha) and I don't like people seeing that. Seeing me that vulnerable. And so I refused to look at him, had my head down. He kept telling me to look at him and I was sobbing that I couldnt talk and just shook my head. Well he walked over to me and literally grabbed my head to see the tears rolling down my face. I was embarrassed and scared, as it sent me into being hit again.

I don't know I mean I know im just overly sensitive right now, depsite already being "hypersensitive" I know that I am focusing on my body instead of everything else (body image is kicking my ass the last few days) and I feel like I can explode at a drop of a hat. I don't mean it I really don't. I guess i'm just confused. I dont know what I want. I know I don't want to be left alone but I already feel like I am alone. And I don't want to be covered with all these questions and I know it's because they care and blah blah blah but its just like obviously things aren't okay, obviously im putting on a front and acting like I am okay with it, Im used to it. But ill be honest here...im not.

I still see him hitting me, I still see my mom dragging my sister across the room by her hair and kicking her while she was down. I still see the anger and redness in both of my parent's faces. I still see my stepbrother laughing when my mom turned around and punched him four times in the car to hide how scared he was.  I still  hear the pounding of my sister's body against the wall. I see hear the snapping of the belt. I still feel the warmth of my sister's hug to comfort me when they calm down and leave the room. I still feel the pain. The achyness of your entire body, so sore to hurts to blink. I feel scared to move and to say anything in case you anger them and set them off for another beating. (well for me, my dad. my mom never hit me (though I did turn around one time to see my mom's fist in the air and she put it down as soon as I turned around))  and my dad hit both of us... I still keep all the secrets, all the lies. the excuses. Oh that bruise is from when I fell, you know how clumsy I am and I am anemic so I bruise easy. I still see the look on my teacher's face when I was out of school for a week to return to her questions "did you get hit this week?" And me not being able to honestly answer so I just shook my head and cried. I remember the fear that rose inside when she said we need to go to counslor and tell them, I can't keep hiding this for you and Ill go with you. The thought of "what the hell did you just get yourself into" I still see her face of disappointment when i told her that I could do it on my own. That  I didn't want her to come with me, So I could protect them and keep our secrets. I remember yelling at her when she said, "Okay, I am confused but okay I still need to call down though, to tell them I am sending you, to make sure you go" I remember having to stand in the nurses room at school pulling my shirt up in front of my teacher, my nurse, and my counslor to reveal some fresh bruises. I remember all questions from the police. I remember all the lies I made to answer them. I remember my teacher's face when I had to tell her that I lied, I made the whole thing up, that nobody ever hit me. The lies I made to cover up the bruises. I remember her feelings when I told her that but still wanting to sit with me and talk. I remember feeling like she was accepting my lies but deep down knew the truth and just wanted me to talk about it. I remember being called down by two couslors ask questions(one was for school the other they brought in for "serious cases"), and I smiled because  I was scared, and I remember them asking why I was smiling if I thought it was good or if it was because I was scared. I remember them calling my house. I remember having to live with my grandparents for a long time for protection.  I remember being in a hospital with a broken arm and the doctors writing down on paper, "possible child abuse occuring though patient is denying it". I remember going to treatment and telling my therapist what happens at home, for her to do a family session with my dad for him to deny it. I remember storming out of the room and hiding in the phone booth in the basement when I was suppose to be in group, crying on the phone with my mom asking did it happen, or is my head playing games with me. I remember her answer to hear that what I thought was  true, that life that I thought I lived was in fact the life that I  lived. Everything seems so real. like it's happening all over again. it's not in my past its happening in my head every day. I want to be free of it. But I can't be. I want to be strong, but how can I?

This is the first time I am writing about this, let alone it being public but  I know I need to do something about it. I have decisions that need to be made. I have healing to do, so please don't judge me for this. Don't say im writing it for attention if you really feel that way, please think it, don't leave me a comment on it. It would break me. well, Im already broken but this would shatter me.

Frustration

Today started off rough.

I had therapy today, which helped with my body image issues from last night. It was funny, I had some chest pains during sessions and I grabbed my chest, trying to be discrete about it. Well apparently I didn't succeed. Denise got concerned and said, "Is your chest hurting, are you okay?" I said I was fine. nothing more. just fine...she again asked "is your chest hurting? I again only said fine and said something random to change subjects. hehe. That goes to show you name I will not mention, that I don't in fact "love attention" She knows that I feel like I am doing nothing with my life, that everyone is graduating college, getting married, and having babies, and im here doing nothing. So she says she thinks Im ready to go back to school...not actually school but to take one, just one (which I put up a fight for 5-6) classes online. So hopefully that gets approved by everyone else, it will sure help with my self worth. She also knows that I am a big fan of horses, and I miss my horses, which she brought up this topic and told me that she is on a board for s stable that has sick horses helping sick people and will keep me updated to see if I can do that starting in May. So that is exciting.

Anyway, things went downhill when I got back in the car. My aunt decided to talk again about diets and losing weights. Like in detail what foods you can and can't eat. and what you do for the 1st week on South Beach and how much you could lose.. I have told her several times that I can't talk about this, she just doesn't listen. (reason why I don't set  boundries because when they aren't respected I feel worse) And telling me this every week, makes me think, or makes my ed think that she tells me this because she wants me to lose weight. That im not anorexic that I am a binge eater. So stupidly, I go to my sister to vent and she says "well I don't mean to be harsh, but you can't stop people from saying what they want to and it's a normal conversation. People aren't going to walk on egg shells for a 22 year old." I don't want them to walk on egg shells I just want them to respect my boundries. I told her that "I can't help what triggers me, and I feel like you are saying something is wrong with me. I can't help it. I just want to be respected. It's like going to an alcoholic about drinking, and you can't tell a coworker not to talk about diets" She said, "Well I have alcoholic friends and they never tell me to not talk about drinking"...Jesus I went to you to vent not to get a lecture.  I would think that it's common sense to not talk about diets to an anorexic. I mean yes I understand its a normal conversation, but no matter who, coworker or not if I say I can't talk about something, they usually change subjects. So I don't know why I am being bashed about protecting myself. And my aunt, I just want to shake this is every single week. It's frustrating. And my sister then goes into, "Well when you move here, theres boys. they will say things, not to hurt you, but because thats how kids are. (which they will not know about my ed...not allowed to talk about it when I move) again  I understand kids are kids and say stuff but an adult, it's different...So to told her how I felt, how she made me feel which is a first for me and now she isn't responding...oh well.

Today was also the day where my whole family left for jamaica...Literally my whole family besides me and my sister. So that, plus not knowing anything about my sister's pregnancy and when she is in the hospital or even the death in the family, not finding out that until days later because nobody wants to stress me out. They all worried that it would send me in a relapse.(which not telling me makes me want to cut) I am feeling pretty left out. Like I am not a part of the family, so I emailed my mom saying this and hopefully will allow me to come home for a week when she returns home. It might help, though I will have to prepare for the comments and weigh ins by my mother.

Where'd Stefanie go??

Well...this week has been...never a dull moment type of week. If you know me you already know what is going on so I am not going to sit here and think about it and blog about it. Honestly I don't want to think about it. I don't want to face it, to come to a realization that this after all is my life. It always seems to me that the big problems in my life  I can handle, but the small stupid shit I can't. I don't know why, maybe I just like focusing on that more because I know deep down, it means nothing.

Anyway, I was asked a question if I I had the choice would between the two, would I choose to have an eating disorder or cancer...and I hate saying this. I hate it because both are  killers but in the end, I would choose cancer. At least then I wouldn't have these constant negitive, self-hatred thoughts. I know it's a wrong thing to say, but I think it's a wrong question to ask.

I know I wrote before about Laureate and Holy Redmeder cancer center sending me bills, well. I put it off because again, I didn't want to face it, but today I finally buckled down and called my health advocate. Seriously, makes everything so much easier. All I had to do was give them the information fill out some paper work and send it back to them, and they fight it for me. Honestly I told my mom that  I can't handle this without getting stressed and frustrated. Everyone is trying to make everything stress free for me right now. And this def helps with that. Now I just have to wait for the results and hope that it turns in my favor and I don't have to pay...which I shouldn't have to because insurance covered both...so we will hope for the best and see.

Through this tough week, I absolutely came to realize my true friends. Who has my back through thick and thin. And I just want to give a shout out to Trina, who went above and beyond. Sending me a little pick me up gift, constantly checking in with me, hearing me whine about the stupid and not so stupid things,being truthful to me always, opening up to me, and never leaving my side. Seriously girl, you have held me up and kept me together this past week. I can 100% say, without a doubt in my mind, that I have no idea what I would do without you.

Things have to get better

So I had therapy today which was over the phone so I don't think it was that productive. She was overly concerned that I exercised last night, I really don't see it a a big deal I mean yes I exercised but it wasnt my normal 3-5am. I don't think what I did last night was excessive and I thought it would be okay because I didn't get my walks or yoga in ...Denise wasn't happy with me told me that I am allowed to walk with an extra ensure if I'm allowed to walk than I should walk and not run or do cardio. She was a bit concerned of that making my Ed voice louder today which it did. I wanted to run today very badly but things didn't work out and I wasn't able to...I guess someone or something just didn't want me to today

Denise also talked about me going back to school and work. I told her how before I was a full time student and a full time worker.she was shocked and said that is tough for someone eating disorder or not... I told her that's how I want it, it keeps me busy and it plays into my self worth. She asked if I could see it as excessive, I said for someone else yes I can see it, for me no... I don't know why I think I'm so different. I told her that I did t before and that's how I want to do it again I know that it's possible for me...she said ,"yea but look how sick you got from an eating disorder" ehhh I guess she has a point, not like I'm going back to school or work anytime soon so I guess it doesn't even matter right now.

On another note, my sister came home from the hospital today. She is on Bed rest though as she is still getting sick and light headed. It sucks she is only 16 weeks in the pregnancy but hopefully things will start to look up soon, gotta have faith that things can turn around and look at the positives at least she is home now

When will I be able to catch my breath?

Things are a bit crazy and I'm writing this on my phone do lets see if it will actually post...

anyway today has been non stop running around. Last night I found out that my sister is in the hospital. I know she was having issues but timing is really sucking with everything else going on. She could not stop getting sick which is normal for a pregnant woman but not so much when that causes you to get lightheaded and you blood pressure goes up and the heart rate goes down...she has been in since Wednesday the same day as the funeral so with knowing that she didn't want to overwhelm me and revert back to my eating disorder...so she didn't tell me until yesterday which just pissed me off. And create self harming urges -which by the way, i asked denise for my razor blade back ad he said no...i guess that is a good thing because i would have reverted back to that a few times. It doesn't seem fair no matter what they go through they always know if I'm in the hospital but just because I have a mental disease I'm left out of the loop. Regardless it is my sister and I feel like I should always have a right to know....

Anyway, today I had a food allergy which I thought was to mushrooms in breakfast even though when I asked they said there was none, turns out the drink I drank had red dye in it which I am severely allergic to so, we fix that problem to run into another problem it just going to be nonstop today I suppose. I would really like a few mins to be able to catch my breath though.

R.I.P Grandpa Ralph

Head Games

I think, no I know I am overly sensitive. Not just right now, all the time and it seems like everything is 10x worse when I am stressed. With the death in the family and the moving thing and not working just everything is getting to me. It is annoying. I wish I could stop it. I think I upset a friend, and now I am super paranoid thinking she is ignoring me, because she does this and that and blah blah blah...(that is my head just an fyi)

These bills are stressing me out...normally  I wouldnt think about it and just pay it..but it always seems like unexpected bills comes in when you aren't working...Laureate plus my infusions totals up to $772.00 That is a lot of money, especially if you aren't working...I mean I do have it, but I don't want to take all out that with no income going back in as I still have my monthy bills to keep up with, so  I don't know what to do. It just sucks because this is a result of my health from 2 years ago and now I am legitmetly trying to get better and just seems like I am being tested on how much stress I can handle. I dont know. I just don't understand why I am getting bills now if this all happened two years ago....

I had therapy on Monday and I don't remember the whole conversation but I do remember her saying, "What is in your huge bag?" Yea I am one of those girls who have enormous bags...then she asked, "Food?" I know she didn't mean anything about it and she laughed about it, but take a note, you are talking to an anorexic and when she said that  I felt like the biggest fat ass. And  days later it is still on replay in my head. Like, "Why did she say that? Because I am fat, so fat that people think I carry food with me all the time." Again I know she didn't mean to do this to me, i am just wondering why she said that. Maybe I should mention it because it is playing with my head big time...

My ex contacted me on facebook, again...My ex...lied about his age, had a wife and 3 kids that he forgot to mention to me...I know I feel disgusting and stupid and dirty, whichever words you want to use I am sure I feel the same way...anyway, I dont think he has any reason to be contacting me. I really rather not deal with his wife...when we talked she was mad, which is understandable and she wasn't really mad at me but that didnt stop her for throwing every word at me...she ended up calming down and telling me that HE told her that, "I am a pop pilling crazy anorexic dying"....um okay...yea anorexic...maybe the things  I do are crazy but I am not crazy, and pop pilling...because I took my meds to not get seizures....anyway, I want to know what he wants but I know I can't go there. I dont want to be the continued reason for a broken family, I know how it feels to grow up without a parent around, I can't do that to his kids. And for my health...it will only play games with me. There is just no reason for me to talk to him. So I am ignoring it at the moment. I feel bad though, I know what it feels like to be ignored and its not a good feeling and I hate that I might be doing that to someone else but...it's just best for everyone...

seriously....

Seriously what the hell is wrong with people? Why can't they understand that I am listening to my team. I am doing what I am suppose to according to them...but apparently that makes me a "dumb bitch who is stuck in her eating disorder making excuses to restrict"...First off they dont want me being overwhelmed with the amount food I should eat and end up purging because I have thrown up blood, so yes purging is more dangerous for me right now...Second off, this is the most I have ever eaten in a long time...yes  I realize its still not a healthy amount  but it is what I am comfortable eating right now. And news flash I am not inpatient. im outpatient so obviously my progress is going to be different. And I didn't post my food on facebook for praise...i posted it because I didn't feel guilt afterwards which was a big deal for me...And here is another tip....every person is different what worked for you might not work for me. We have different teams, different eating disorders, and different recoveries. So I fucking give up on what you think. I mean who are you really? You are nothing to me and its not going to piss me off anymore.


Anyway....I had therapy today and my therapist was actaully very distracted today, it was kind of funny. I told her , "Hey, you are the therapist you are suppose to be here" haha. I seriously don't know where she was today,she seemed more focused on what i wrote in my journal that what I was saying, but I guess it is okay considering what I write is usually what we end up talking about.

Kick me when im down

well I dont know what he is to me...my step moms dad past away on thrusday...yea thursday I found out about it today....my aunt told me that it was on facebook (dad and stepmom blocked me) and I didn't cry. I tried, but I couldnt cry...I mean I am upset about it, and I am having memories pop in my head that I had with him, but no tears. So I am feeling guilty about that. Its just weird thinking back on things to know that it will never be again...he was a recovered alcoholic (got better when his health started to go down) and it just sucks he got better and still lost because of alcohol.

Anyway I slept a lot again today, had about 3 seizures, which was embarrassing because my cousin was over to celebrate her birthday (which was Wed) and I just couldnt manage to keep my eyes open. She was a bit upset with me when I opted out of eating her "birthday meal" and birthday cake. I apologized but told her that I was taking care of myself by not eating it...which sounded like ed but then i explained, to keep me from purging....she said it was okay and to go lay back down. haha (just to be clear, I did eat just not what everyone else ate) Oh sleep...yes im sleeping all day then last night was the first time since wed that I had problems falling asleep in my bed I was laying there from 3am until 6 am until I fell back asleep...guess my body is used to being up exercising at that time....


So I thought I was doing a good job with eating...like I said I know I am still restricting but I am following my meal plan that my nutritionist gave me....I hate when I get questioned about it, or when someone says "you still need treatment" Seriously I have been trying with EVERYTHING  I have in me and its still not good enough. I dont know what people want or expect from me. I guess the expectations are just too high. I don't know what to say. I feel like a dissapointment and that i am still in ed now. It just sucks how much power I give to people when I know deeeeeep down that I am doing what I was told to do...

Anyway, I guess it's a good thing that I have therapy bright and early tomarrow.

Meh

I know that my therapist cares but lordy be, she is starting to get on my nerves...haha odd thing is I feel loved by her. I texted her Wednesday night saying  I was giving up...She wrote back a 5 page text...I didnt respond, she sent another text the next day...I didn't respond. She wrote yet another text the next day...All I wrote back was "yea" (asked if I was okay), today she sends me another text. I write, "I guess I am hanging in there, I don't know" She then wanted to make sure that I am staying connected talking to my support girls haha. Not really...I mean I have talked about it with a few but details  and actaully opening up about would only be my sponsor and Trina. The only  two people I 100% trust with every bone in my body.

Anyway when I get overwhelmed like this apprently my body crashes. I have been doing nothing but sleeping since I heard about this news...I guess its a way that my body handles the stress. Its a way not to deal with it...i dont know. Well I do know, when I am stressed I tend to get more seizures than normal and, well lets  say that the twice a week I had going on there for a while is nothing compared to what I am having now. Which seizures make you sooooooo exhausted. Plus I think I really needed the rest, got to try to stay positive even about the bad things right?

When I was up I have been stressing over money. I have to fight  two bills from laureate and Holy redemor cancer center. So that will be a pain in the tusch...Then I have my student loan that will have to start getting paid off in April...then rent, then, therapy, etc just everything is adding up and I dont know how to handle it all...I hate depending on others. I know when I was in treatment my mom took over my bills for me so I didn't get stressed and I wasnt able to work...I think it might lead to that again. I feel like such a spoiled mommy's girl by doing this, but I literallly cannot work right now. I can't get unemployment because  I wasn't working at this place long enough, etc. I literallly tried everything to not lean on mommy and daddy but looks like its out of my hands right now, whether I like it or not if my mom sees me stressing out over it she will take over again....which I mean is good but I just feel so spoiled and like everything is just given to me.


Oh I woke up this morning...I left my journal out in the living room (not like me at all) well I have OCD, I know when things are touched and not put back the exact way I left it...This morning I walked in and it was in the general area I left it in but it was moved....I was pissed. I ignored my aunt mainly all morning. Then I was protective of it....and my uncle says "What is wrong" I tell him he says no we didnt read it, we didnt touch it...ummm yes you did....I know for a fact that it was touched.It just pisses me off because you lied about it and the fact that its my journal...I remember having a "contract" laying in my room (from Renfrew) and my aunt read it and said, "I didnt go through your things it was laying in your room" ummm ok I know its your house but my room for the time being. Just because I didnt hide it doesnt make it okay for you to read it...Anyway, im sure if it was read I will be finding out soon either from my aunt and her big mouth or from my mom....I mean nothing in there is really behaviors wise recent...but I def have stuff in there about my aunt/uncle. And since I have been here there have been a lot of behavior use, which they only think only two behaviors were used. (Both times they think they caught-once my cousin at work walked in while I purged and the other time my aunt found my "purging" bag in my room before I was able to clean it out) Anyway I guess I just have to hope that  I am being paranoid about this otherwise any chance of the moving happening went completely out the door now if it hasn't yet...

Update

So today I slept a lot. I was literally in tears yesterday for 5 hours. I attempted to act out, didn't reallly work out besides skipping my night snack. I woke up this morning, frozen in my bed. Staring at the wall, my uncle walked in...told me to get out of bed. I told him I just want to be stuck in the misery for a little while...he said no. Get up, Call Jenn...So I got up, called her, cried again, she said what I thought she was going to say, how I have no power over this and things can change from now to then. and its not worth losing my sobriety for something that might not happen...So I ate and stayed on the phone with her after so I couldn't purge...Then I went back to sleep. Woke up for dinner, did that same exact thing. She made me realize that yes, this is the reason why I was doing better, but slipping back into ed right now, would not help anything...if anything it will make this situation the way that I hoping it won't turn out to be. So last night a slip, but I guess im still in recovery, as I did everything today...not sure if I still have 2.5 weeks or now I have to start all over again?

Anyway, I texted Denise, last night. I was in a very bad place....she texted back 5 pages, asking how I was and she knows i am terribily disappointed but things seem to always work out in the end. And I will be there for the baby, I dont remember the rest it was a lot...I didn't write back. Around 6 she texted me again, saying, " I haven't heard back from you and I hope you are okay and that today was better than yesterday"

Oh and my mom...not sure if I wrote this last night. But last night I called my mom, having a panic attack, clearly crying and grasping for air...She tells me "idol is back on, I have to go" WTFFFF??? anyway, she messaged me today asking how the rest of the night went...like she really cares...anyway I told her  "I isolated. I was in my room crying the entire night"She said "You dont want to isolate, journal or collage, anything that will help, also dont worry about it, I know it is disappointmenting to you but it might not happen, and things always seems to work out for the best...hang in there, all your hard work will pay off-i promise".....uhmmm I did journal. but im sorry I dont like crying in front of others and last time I cried in front of my uncle he forcebily grabbed my face to see the tears rolling down my face. So I refuse to go through that again (kind of set me up for a flashback from dad hitting me) Which I told her I wont cry in front of him and I couldnt hold it in anymore...and promise??Last time I checked you still didnt want me home and I have no other options unforutnely as I am unable to work =/

All for nothing.

I've been working my ass off for what???? To move and be with the baby...my only way I can get in the area I want to. As my mom still doesn't want me home. The only way I can get on my two feet and work and go back to school. It was suppose to be an light of freedom, of hope, my motivation...gone. I was on the phone with my sister today and she informed me that if she gets a apartment that I can't move. There is a thing saying im over 18 so I would have to be on a lease which my sister doesnt want because if Im in ed then I need to leave, and because they would be no space....the only way is if they get a house which of course my sister is dealing with medical problems because of the pregnancy and their car broke down now....So for the past hour I have been crying and feeling like I did all this "great work" for absolutely NOTHING. So im a bit devastated and pissed and hurt...I tried cutting and of course, of course the scissors are too dull and wouldn't break the skin. AND Denise has my razor blade...im soo pissed and there is seriously no point in doing so well if I still in the end dont get the life I want...

I am completely heart broken and Im giving up. All I want to do right now is self destruct.

Struggle today But I am stronger

Today was a bit of a struggle, so far. I woke up with horrible body image because my boobs seemed to appear from no where haha. I was told to do breakfast on my own today, normally I am served so I don't obsess over measuring...my uncle didn't think it would be a big deal because I have done it before. But I didnt and struggling with body image and put it in my own hands to eat is like impossible. I ended up calling my sponsoring. it rang and rang. I started praying, "Please God let her pick up" Before even ending that sentence she picked up. Asked how I was, I said "Ok I guess" She knew and said, "Yeah what is going on?" I starting crying and said "I have bad body image and I am on my own for breakfast and I dont know what to do" So she made me walk to the fridge name everything we had and gave me options. I told her the one option I didnt feel safe keeping in, not today. She gave me another option ed again having an excuse...she said, "Stefanie make this and eat it, Ill be on the phone with you"haha So I did I made it, and she offered to stay on the phone while I ate as well. I said ok but you have to talk so you dont hear me chewing so she did, she shared her story (heard it about 5 times now haha) Then she said on the phone with me an additional 30 mins to help me getting through the purging urges...seriously if she didn't pick up I would have totallllly not have eaten breakfast today. I told myself, "See you asked for it. Said your not anorexic because it's too easy and now look its hard as anything you were about to give in and sooner than you realize would of been a relapse" But its not me. Yes I said it but I didn't ask for it. I am completely powerless over the days ed is louder than the others. And don't worry about the what could of happened because it didn't so stop beating yourself up about it....anyway I am very thankful for Jen today.

Then someone from work messaged me, and said "I can tell you have an ed, how are you doing? I think you need to gain a little bit of weight...you def dont need to lose" I was like umm thanks for your input but...then ed popped in...you really think i need to gain, u swear i dont need to lose...Then I said Ok dont answer I know I sound crazy but that answer will make me head spin more haha...

Anyway, I got a letter and ultrasounds pictures today. My sister is a dork and wrote me a letter as if the baby was writing to me, it was super cute and the things he/she said, actually made me cry. I was touched. very touched.

"I'm not anorexic"

This thought has been boggling in my head lately. I told denise this, she sort of laughed and said, "Honey, You are defiently anorexic, why do you feel this way?"

My answer, "well because if I was truely anorexic, then this recovery thing would be a lot harder. I feel like it's easy, Now working on 3 weeks of ed free and I only had a few urges to cut, and to restrict. Just a few, not everyday..."

She told me this was ed itself trying to sneak back in. She also mentioned how yes I am doing a good job, but the thoughts are all still there the planning out, just not acting on it. And I am still restricting, I am eating my meal plan, but my meal plan is bare minimal, even if it is considered minimal, My N tells me that she would go to "Dietician Jail is any other nutritionists saw the plan she gave me. But she wants to go slow, she doesn't want me seeing the plan I should be on when I am not ready and I get overwhelmed. She also said it might seem easy, because I actually want it now. I have motivation where before I didn't. I know I did well at Laureate, my last month stay, but the entire time I was thinking, "Ok do now good now so you can get discharged and go back to the way you want" (laureate is the type of center who keeps you there longer if you struggle and not like Renfrew who kick you out) But my motivation, I need to do well so I can go home and be a part of that baby's life. Get back home and live my life, get on my own two feet for the first time....

LORDY BE

I had therapy today...I was allll over the place, talked about one thing ended up talking about something else and went back, but it was not ed. I know I do that when im in ed, this was because I had so much to get out that I wanted to get everything out so Denise would remember and go back to it. I just needed it out. She again gave me loads of homework along with homework from my sponsor. Which I don't mind, it keeps me busy, distracted, and I worked on personal things  while kicking eds butt =P

I am a bit overwhelmed with bills right now. Laureate sent me a bill saying I need to pay them, when my insurance covered it. And now A bill from Holy redemor Cancer Center sent me a bill..I got 6 infusions TWO years ago and just sent me a bill saying my payment is 60 days late...it was two years ago (IF) I owe anything (insurance also covered this) how is it only 60 days late? It's not adding up. Of course all these bills are piling up now that I am no longer working, how come they couldn't come when I was able to work? Anyway, I have to call and fight it, but thing is my mom lives 3 hours away and I need paper work to verify everything. But we don't know which paper work. And my mom can't call because of HIPPA laws, so its going to be a constant back and forth calling and waiting for my mom to send the things I need. It's just frustrating, I can handle it I know I can, but its just like why...

I texted Joy today (havent seen her in 3 weeks now) to tell her today is 15 days ed free (she didn't know) and  she was happy but not as excited as I thought she would be =/

Anyway here I am, dreading along, i guess all that matters is I am still moving forward. How I don't know but I dont think I need to know...

Pretending

It was brought to my attention that I haven't blogged in a while...the reason for that is because I want to be honest on here. I came to the realization the other day that I am fooling myself. I was pretending that everything is going great, because im not involved in ed anymore...but truth is it's not. Sure I am not as depressed, I have more energy, but im still miserable. Everything that the ed numbed out is still there...just not numbed out anymore. I guess I was hoping that since im doing better (TODAY IS 2 WEEKS ED FREE) that everything else would just disappear. It didn't. I am trying to stay positive because that is how I view recovery, mainly because of my mom. She swears recovery is great, no more bad days, bad moods, etc. That would be great, but it's not realistic I suppose.

Anyway, I am a bit stressed. I have had urges this week to self harm, and it took talking to two people online and a hour long phone call with a close friend to help me through it. I guess that is all that matters. Stress is coming from everything too. Like I have stress from moving, my sister has an ed, and I am a bit concerned about over eating with her. My mom keeps questioning me, and I realized that is where all my self doubt comes from. Then Im stressed for medical reasons. And stressed about finical reasons. Laureate sent me another bill...which my insurance covered, so I might have to give them a call as this is the 2nd bill they sent me. Everything is just here. I am feeling everything and it's a bit overwhelming,and I don't know how to handle it all.

I guess anxiety is extremely high, during dinner my legs were shaking more than normal. My uncle was sitting next to me and put his hand on my leg. And smiled .I just smiled back, thinking I didn't realize but was generally pissed when I had a cue to stop...He said, "I thought the washer was on" haha normally he doesn't stop this behavior (ALWAYS happening when I am eating...i know i know ed behavior...) but today I was shaking my legs pretty much the entire day and he noticed...Then I got a moment of not feeling well and wanted to sleep...well I fell asleep and he wakes me up to tell me that I am sleeping...thanks I didn't know?! He makes a big deal about it saying  "I saw your eyes closed" I have this weird thing about people knowing that I am sleeping...whenever I am with friends I will randomly talk to make them think that I am still awake. But needless to say the things I say don't make sense, one time I said, "burgers can fly" haha...anyway so I go back to sleep not even 10 mins later he wakes me up, tickling my feet (luckily I can control that) and I got pissed. Told him to leave me alone, I dont do it to him and I don't feel well, he made this face at me like "dont be cranky" I am sorry, I know I sleep a bit better now but I am still exhausted all the time and I value sleep when I can get it, having insomnia for 6 years I have a lot of catching up to do haha. One of my pet peeves I guess. I just dont like people doing something to me that if I were to do it to them they would get pissed too...

Steps Forward

I had denise today and I finally managed (after stalling for two weeks) to give her my meds and my razor blades. I was pulling them out of my bag and she said "Oh wow you do have a lot" haha And she was looking at me, saying how proud she is of me, How this is a big step for me, making things less tempting for me, I told her I think its a good thing but I am a bit overwhelmed right now because what if I do need them??...then she asked about how ed is lately and I told her, " LAST saturday was the last time I purged, and I am trying to follow my meal plan, I am not taking laxs anymore and I am working on the exercise, But I am no longer working out from 3 to 5am" She got teary eyed. She was stoked to hear about this, and thinks not working is part of it. One because I am not near my stressful boss and 2. I have time to work on my things, to go to meetings, etc. Then she asked "Are you okay with me saying I am proud of you or does it make you think oh no im getting better?" Honestly I am okay with it. Yes I am getting better and that is scary but to hear someone say they notice the work im doing and are proud of me for it. I needed to hear it. So I told her I will try to continue this path this week, I honestly don't want to go back to the way I was. It has only been one week without ed, and I am already thinking differently, more people are reaching out to me, and its just after one week!!!!!!!


Seriously, my aunt ughhh im about to snap at her. EVERYTIME we are in the car together she wants to talk about weight loss and food...today she specifically told me what spices will help increase my metabolism and lose weight. Well ed is happy, thinking yay new method!!! but the part of me that is in recovery is like whyyy the hell would you tell me that? itsjust frustrating, and i dont know what to do, I talked to her about it, I ignored it. I  seriously think it might be time to stick my hands over my ears and say "lalalala"

Need a break

(P.S im sticking out my tongue, my lips aren't that big haha)

Here it is. I was going to post this picture on facebook, but I didn't want to get questions or concerns. But I wanted to talk about hair. In our society hair is very important. If you don't have any, then people just assume your sick. Sometimes that is the case, sometimes its not. For example, When I first started losing my hair, my close friend megan shaved her head to make me feel less awkward. I am not saying I am bald, im not but I def have spots without hair. Anyway, there are ways around it, like hair extentions or wigs. Which I have them both, and though you can't tell if you get the right color, you can tell when your hair randomly grows inches over night....

Anyway, today was uhh hectic? Not so much with having things to do but emotionally hectic. I have lots of reasons to cry, but I just cry at a drop of a hat. Not thinking about anything, nothing was said or done to me, I just find myself crying a lot. I guess its a good thing, but it is still embarrassing and annoying. Today my aunt came up to me and asked what was wrong, I am sobbing and I say "I don't know" haha I think my head is just overwhelmed with everything, not being at work, letting go of my ed, moving back home, not being able to go back to school, all this medical stuff that is going on (STILL spitting up blood and NOW apparently paralysis in my legs). Again like I said I know have reasons or the right to sit and cry, but I would like some warning before hand. Anyway, still on track, I followed my meal plan and surprisingly wanted to eat more than that (I know its okay if I do because I am still on a restricted plan) but I stopped myself, which I was relieved about it. It was like yes I am still on track but at least I know I could still stop myself if I or ed wanted/needed. So I guess it was more like a comfort. I have a feeling people are going to read this and think I am restricting. I did follow my plan though...

Also to the people who constantly talk to me to start a fight, can you please stop? I have a few people in mind, that when I do hear from them, its just to start a fight with me. Honestly, I can't handle it anymore I have  enough going on that I dont need to worry about what you think or disagree with. I am not saying stop talking to me, but if it comes down to nothing but fights all the time, I will have to protect myself. Most of the fights aren't even my fault, meaning the fights are about something I dont have control over...I just I need a break. I need someone to say "Forget them, you are doing awesome work" Even if they don't think I am, maybe you can look where I am coming from, and not the expectations of me, because just this past week I feel like I have come a long way, not only with my eating but in other areas. I can't let it get me down anymore, I don't have the time...

Be Gentle

I am a bit anxious today, I texted Joy today, asking if I am over eating. She said im not but I seriously feel like thats all i do anymore. So I told her im binging she said "no your not, if you want to consider it binges call them anorexic binges, because you still are not meeting your caloric needs"I guess it's hard not seeing her now. Which this will be week 3 without going to her. So I know I can call/text whenever but its different when she doesnt see my food log.I could of easily restricted today, my uncle/aunt went to go pick up my meds and I wasn't forced to eat, but I did, made it again on my own and ate it. It's scary but at least i dont have to lie and worry about them finding out the truth...

Anyway I ended up doing some stretches last night, who would of thought that something that simple could set me off...ALL DAY  today I wanted (KEY WORD wanted) to exercise. I just kept thinking, "yoga, cardio, dance" Then I stop myself, knowing that I can't do those things safely, i mean seriously all I did was some simple stretching last night and look where it put my head! it's so frustrating that it's all or nothing. I think this is something I will have to work on. Because in the past I know one slip meant failure so go back to ed. It can't be that way anymore, my health couldnt be more worse than what it is right now and my body can't tolerate it anymore. Im not saying "no slips up" I mean hopefully there arent any, im just saying if there are i need to be gentle on myself and realize a slip can be a slip not a relapse...but DAY 6 and going =)

Deaths

I have been reflecting a lot on deaths. I am trying not to take blame for someone dying, or regret anything, and im trying to just accept it and remember the good times I had with them...

1. My aunt Lou died of cancer which I was looking at pictures of her, around that time my eating disorder started (truns out to be 6 years not 8) Anyway, I am trying not feel guilt. I didn't go to her funeral. She lived two hours away from me and my jerk of a dad wouldn't come get me to bring me. I only have one thing from her, which is a stuffed bunny and I remember getting so mad when my dog thought it was toy and I freaked out...Luckily no harm was done to it. Today I was laying in bed (crying again) hugging this animal. I miss her, and I would love to be able to talk to her one more time.

2. Yesterday was Kelly's Birthday...Kelly was a girl from laureate died almost a year ago from her eating disorder. It's weird because I remember talking to her, and now I can't. The last time she spoke I just got out of treatment and she was going in, and she messaged me "I'm going back ip, any advice I would love" I didn't write back. I know it probably wouldnt of made a difference but I can't help to think that if I did write back, maybe it would of kept her from purging, even just once, that one time maybe saving her life.

3. Miss. Buzy She also died of cancer. She was an amazing woman. She was a staff member at my school andI would often confide in her (not knowing about her cancer until she passed away) she was so warm hearted. She always put everything done to help someone out, even if it was just a listening ear.

4. Uncle Jim also a victim of cancer.  I didn't talk to him much but I do remember at family gatherings him always being the one who gets someone to laugh. Often by teasing another family member, but he didn't care as long as he got one person to smile.

In honor of these amazing people who didn't deserve to die. I miss you and will forever love you.

P.S one more reason why I HATE cancer

How can I miss something if your not completely gone?

I know this is lame, but I haven't purged since Saturday and today I really want to, I miss it....its weird. I miss it after only a few days and I miss throwing up? Its not the throwing up that I miss, its the control. It's the realization that my stomach isn't getting bigger...i dont know. I know I am actually trying to get better now. Maybe for the first time. I could have restricted today, my uncle normally makes me something to eat and he didn't today, I realized at 2:30 that he wasn't going to and instead of not caring I got up and got something to eat.  Which is a big deal for me Then dinner comes around and it seems like A LOT of food, and I am trying to handle it (hints why I am blogging right now) and my sister is talking about when I had to get iron infusions and i know this is sick but its making me miss ed. Here I am in the hospital with iv sticking out of my arms because ed was bad and I miss it??? I know it's weird. Anyway I did ask her to not talk about it anymore and she said ok and I did tell her that I am overhwhelmed and wanting to get rid of it so she is messaging me and she will call the house if I stop responding.

Today I spit up more blood =/ more than usual so purging probably wont help with that right now...ahh i don't know what to do =/ I don't want to ruin the few days I have under my belt but honestly I seem like I always fail after a few days anyway...


So a few hours passed and I managed to not purge! I was on the phone and talking to people for a good hour  afterwards to keep me away from the bathroom and I actually told someone to time me when I had to pee to help keep me accountable.

Then  I get up to get my night snack, (trying very hard to follow my meal plan) and my aunt says, "You just ate!!" So I started crying saying, "I know I am fatty, Im just trying to listen to my team now and I feel like I am eating too much but I dont want to eat im just trying to get better" So my uncle wasn't too pleased with my aunt. Pretty much told her to shut up and that its okay if I eat again. How I shouldn't feel this way if I know I am doing what is the right thing to do. I told him I can't and he said "well drink your ensure then and eat again later" UM no offense I get how liquids are suppose to be easier but when it's something like an ensure...its not. So I ended up calling my sponsor crying to her telling her what happened and ended up eating my snack anyway...only 20 mins left till I am suppose to have my ensure. God seriously I know I am trying and listening to them but today has felt like its been non stop eating =/ Im not sure how long this will last