Dreams...

Seriously what is my problem???

The past two dreams that I remember having consists of my mom. The first one, we had a flood and for some reason I was in the car and safe, and I was yelling at her to get in the car. Then I saw her just whisked away, it was very vivid and I do not want to ever watch my mother die. Maybe it was symbolic. Like how I feel like she doesn't listen to me, (not that I bark orders at her to get in the car) Someone told me that if you dream of someone dying, it means that the relationship is coming to an end. Just great really, I already don't have a relationship with my father, and now I might not have one with my mom? I know my mom is a big trigger to me when it comes to my feelings on worthlessness, and my perfectionism. But that doesn't mean I want to end that relationship I just have to find a way to deal with it and she needs to get some education...

The second dream was last night. My sister and I were in the car with my mom driving. I just got out of dance class and my dance teacher called my sister for some reason then we had to stop at CVS. As we were pulling up in the parking lot, my mom almost hit the side-rail. Then she went over the speed bump and when she was coming to a stop, well she didn't really stop, something stopped the car.  My sister and I looked at each other, asking if she was okay, as something just wasn't right with her as shes an overly cautious driver.....


Not sure what to make of these dreams. I seriously do believe that something is wrong with me now...well besides my eating disorder. haha

recovery doesn't mean everyday is easy...

 I don't like to give alot of eye contact with people these days - I'm scared that if they look at me long enough they will see how truly empty I am inside. When I look at myself in the mirror, trying to gaze into my eyes that pose as a happy young woman with no big worries ...I see nothing.  Just blackness.A rickety mannequin has been built by my mind to fuel the facade for those around me that everything is okay.  People don't take the time to look at me long enough to see the deep cracks and bruises that hide within the mask I wear.  Every day I feel like I am suspended blindly in a silent abyss of constant shadow and fog - a certain coldness abounds my being that I am aware of, but don't really feel...All I feel is the dull buzzing of numbness that rattles from inside the cavity of my chest. To my mom,  I am nothing but my eating disorder. All my thoughts and actions are anorexia. I am literally a walking disease. I want to be soooo much more I know I can be, should be, would be if I haven't developed this mind boggling disease. Maybe I am just my eating disorder. I mean everything i do and say are related in someway, living a certain way for 8 years you are bound to be a certain way, right? Am I really that low self-esteemed? a liar? sneaky? I know, I am the one who admitted that I had a problem, and I know that is a huge step in my recovery, but i sometimes feel like it was also the worse mistake I ever made. If I hadn't confessed, then I wouldn't be analyzed under a microscope. I guess im just confused. I try to be honest with everyone and when I am, I get nothing but lectures so i feel like what's the point? I am not allowed to have bad thoughts about myself or im in ed. so then i don't talk and that means im in ed too...so you can see my delimma. I recently fought with my mom, I opened up and told her my body image issues, and she got concerned. I explained that it was just thoughts, and that everyone ed's or no ed's can and do have bad days where they just dont like how they look. and its just not realistic or fair to me to expect me to not have bad days. Not that I want bad days, i just want to be able to have bad days. it's a normal part of life, and if people are expecting this, then im sorry i'm already a disappointment. 

Life Vest

My life has become more crazy than what it was before. And I didn't think that was even possible! I'm working now, seeing my therapist, and nutritionist once a week. Yes I finally got a nutrtionist. She's nice but she also struggles with ed, so at times it can be triggering. For instance, today I saw her and last week she blind weighed me. Well today I gave her a smirk and got on the scale, thinking she would forget and she didn't but she let me see it anyway. She keeps getting pissed at me because the past two weeks I have lost weight. Which today she told me the amount I lost, and honestly it's not that much. so it's not a big deal...well according to her it is, when "you're not suppose to be losing any" But what I really like about her is that she emphazies the words "try" and "attempt" rather than do, so I don't feel as much as a failure. Therapy is getting intense, we are talking about some hardcore problems and my mom for some reason thinks that im not talking about my "real issues". Hello, it's my therapy session, let me talk about what I want to talk about...(hello ed) I don't know why, but my mom is for some reason a huge trigger to me. Everytime I talk to her I feel frustrated, and upset. She only comes to me when she has a problem with something I said or did. So that is the NUMBER ONE reason why I am clinging on to ed. Because otherwise, she would never come to me...also a huge role in my feeling "not good enough" I was suppose to go to my dad's this past weekend and shocker...it didn't work out. And my mom is convinced that I am the one creating drama about it because I cried for two dayys...well im sorry do you know how shitty it feels to feel rejected by your own father over and over again? To feel like you are grieving for someone but that someone is still alive? but wants absolutely nothing to do with you, because they are too sick in their drinking? (on a side note...my nutritionist today told me that since my dad is a alcholic I have the genes so I have to work twice as hard to overcome ed-sounds promising. I think its already hard enough no, lets add this in too) Speaking of Ed....well he is completely in control the past month or so now. I have been restricting and being called on it and it pisses me off so what do I do, I get rid of it. Yes I do realize im truely only hurting myself. By try convincing me that when Im in the moment...I went two weeks without cutting and that's gone now. Ive been fantastizing about my death. Thinking how would people react if they found me one day in my room. I feel like I am floating in the water, with a life vest holding onto it for dear life, and a hellicopter comes to save me and I tell them that I can't let go of my life vest (ed) and they say then we can't help you and fly off.