nice to know someone cares

sooooo…..eating/constant thoughts are very consuming at this point. I wanted to get out of vacation to avoid food/people/etc.

I have a lot of family members who are voicing concern, constantly asking me if  Im starving myself again.....Ive become an automatic liar.

My boss/coworkers keep making comments, the other day, my boss said I look really skinny, I said thank you and she said it was a compliment I said it was for me and she replied that it wasn't suppose to be. We actually just hung up and she offered to take me to therapy each week so I don't have to admit I relapsed to Jon. Its nice but I cant ask her to do that.

It is def getting worse. I am now taking pictures of my body each day. We have a work event coming up and I am trying to get out of it because I don't want to be surrounded by food with my coworkers

I feel a mixed of emotions Part of me is happy, and I want to show everyone my bones that are now peeking thru, the other part of me is depressed because here I am at 29 years old having issues with eating/food. Makes me feel like a failure and I feel like I cant be honest with others about it which in the end just makes me feel lonely.

I feel like I am at a fork in the road....

Feel Crazy

I have been crying since yesterday, all because my boyfriend went out and hung out with his friends (mainly to smoke) I wasn't mad that he went out I was mad that he could make time to spend with them but he cant make time to spend with me....so I said something and suggested that we put time aside once a month for each other and I felt like he didn't want to so I freaked out saying if he doesn't want to spend time with me then why are we together? I am not asking for every spare minute I am asking for once a month....at one point I screamed and threw a trashcan (not at him) so now I feel crazy....

update on my eating....my BOSS is now on my case, like she pulled me aside and says she is worried about me, and that I need to add her as a friend on social media so she can support me....now everytime I see her she asks me how Im doing and what I ate....its nice to know she cares but it is sort of annoying

weight-138.2lbs

Monday June 10th

Weigh in :143.3lbs
Goal: 136 (7lbs away!!!)

I cannot believe that I weighed 21lbs more just a few months ago...I lost 21lbs! I am 7lbs away from being back in the "healthy range" it blows my mind! My goal is to lose one pound per week....and so far I have been averaging about 1 to 2 pounds a week which means  I SHOULD make my goal by the time I want (by August 2nd). Nothing is more motivating than seeing the number on the scale go down....

I am pretty sure my iron levels are beginning to suffer. I have in the past had low iron levels to the point where I needed infusions which was weird because I felt fine but now I am noticing a lot more bruising and everything goes white for a seconds after I stand or bend down and back up. I do eat meat but not very often....not because of my ED just because that's the lifestyle my family has. Well, maybe it is just me lol. My boyfriend loves meat but only eats it maybe 1-2 per week....I eat it maybe once a month and when  I do eat it, it normally is chicken (not a huge fan of red meat).

In other news, my anxiety is also getting worse. I used to be prescribed medication for it but I stopped taking it when I lost insurance and now that I have insurance again I should probably make an appointment and get back on it because it is beginning to get unbearable. I fear like I am scared of everything anymore. For example, we went to the beach out which is on the 4th level and Noticed I did not like the height (never used to bother me) I avoid elevators now ALWAYS take the stairs. Was terrified to go on any rides-again never used to be a problem. I am scared of eating alone in fear that I will choke. I am constantly scared of my child's well-being but that I think is a normal mother fear. We have been having a lot of tornado warnings recently and that is causing me anxiety to the point where if I see it it suppose to thunderstorm I panic, like I actually called out of work because it was suppose to thunderstorm and I wanted to be home in case a tornado did hit us. It is getting bad.

I also worry about my son's eating. He was always a good eater until he turned 2 then it was like he didn't want to be bothered. He says he is hungry but only eats one or two bites before saying he is done. He has had tests done and everything is normal. His iron levels are a little low but nothing is preventing his appetite which makes me think that even when he was 2 he sense how weird I was around food and now that I would say I am in a relapse doesn't help matters. Everyone tells me it is not my fault and that its a normal kid picky eater phrase but I guess that it ED right there-self blame...

Yes that is the first time I ever said/wrote that I consider myself in a relapse now.
well that's all for now...until next time

Broken Heart Syndrome

I realized that I was in a relapse when my mom was taken to the hospital and  I was consumed with; "How can I avoid food without causing my family concern???"Obviously this should not be my first thought....I managed to tell them that my IBS was acting up and my stomach couldn't bare any solid food besides crackers....I have had IBS my whole life and it did flare up so it wasn't a complete lie....

My mom went to the hospital in the middle of the night because she thought she was having a heart attack...thankfully she was not. HOWEVER there is a problem with her heart. She was diagnosed her  with Broken Heart syndrome-pretty much a problem with the heart with no known causes (they think is started because of a virus, stress or poor diet over the years but nothing is confirmed because she is healthy other than having this) They found out that her EF (how her heart pumps blood back into the body) is low....so ideally the EF should be 100, 80 is acceptable and at 60 is when they start talking about surgery....my mom's EF was 20...Pretty much if they didn't find it she would of died in a few months....which is extremely scary to think about. She's my mom. She's my person to go to when I need to vent. I cannot lose her. Thankfully they found a medication that is helping a lot. After a few months, her levels increase to 43% so it is still low but obviously its a big improvement. She will eventually need surgery they are talking about a defiblator (a pace-maker) being placed in a
few months and they mentioned the possibility of a heart transplant which is scary to think about because that transplant list is 15-20 year wait....

what's been going on???

So it's been years since I last blogged. 6 years to be exact!

So obviously a lot has happened in 6 years....for one I had a child. His name is Jackson and he is now 5 years old. I have my own apartment, I quit smoking (a year ago!) I work full time, and I am back in school! (I have 2 semesters left before I graduate!!!) So you would think I am doing amazing I have everything under wraps right??? No. I got good at hiding. For the most part during those 6 years I was okay, I mean I still struggled mentally but not enough to cause concern, I no longer looked like I was struggling physically....until a few months ago. (I should also note that I am no longer in therapy because I was doing better and now I am being stubborn because I want the same therapist and she no longer practices so it's actually impossible and I don't want to "start all over" with someone else-yes I still have trust issues)

February 10th 2019 is the day I relapsed-physically. Like I said my mental struggles never went away they got a little less noisy but they were still there. Well they are loud again. This is the day that I remember weighing myself and started watching calories and losing weight.

My struggle has changed though. For example, I have not purged. I have been tempted but that is not a road I want go back on. for some reason I feel like that would "push" me over and really stir things up.

I am however, restricting. a lot. I eat once a day and it is normally 500 calories or less....some of my coworkers have noticed because I stopped eating during my breaks and just ate a few crackers instead and chugging water. like a lot of water (60-80 oz per day) I started watching calories and weighing myself everyday.

For a while I was exercising a lot, but I stopped that when I got injured-I pulled a muscle in my shoulder....so the fact that I stopped exercising when I got injured is a sign that I'm not in a full blown relapse because in the past it wouldn't of stopped me....remember when my leg was in cast and I was still on the treadmill haha.

Since February 10, I have lost 20lbs!  I gained lot weight when I was pregnant and I am finally starting to get rid of it 5 years later....I got up to 164.4lbs today I weigh in at 144.1 …. for my height that is considered overweight still....my goal is get to 136 by august which will put me in the healthy range for my vacation....

Already my goal has changed....that's ED for you. My goal was to get to 136 but then I decided I wanted a buffer  not being on the line of healthy and overweight so the goal changed to 130....after much debate with ed...my goal now (ultimately) is 120...I'm sure that will change again but for now I am focusing on that fact that I am 8lbs away from being considered healthy!

When I first started losing weight my boyfriend (Jon) and some coworkers have noticed and were making comments which fueled my ed....but now that some time has passed I am not losing weight as fast- which is frustrating, so the comments stopped and I think people stopped noticing!

whirlwind

I know I havent posted in a while. That's because I havent had private time to do so. My sister is no longer working (because of a shoe issue at work and being 9 months pregnant) so she is with me alllll day and my mom and Bill are with me at night. I feel like they are breathing down my back. Today being a good example...

Ok so last night (when I started to feel myself boil) my sister had a friend over and everytime I walked near her my sister was whispering then said "shes coming just so you know" So im like wtf are you talking about me I have done nothing but try to help you out lately and you are telling other people crap about me?? nice! thanks for the love and support!

Still annoyed with last night I am in a somewhat bad mood though I am playing it off. Well my stepdad is on my case about going out. Like sorry I dont want to go out every single weekend, plus i dont really have extra money to be spending unless my disability increases to pay my never ending medical bills. Anyway, he says "Nothing changed but the walls" I was like really, ok maybe you dont understand but I have been alone more since ive been back, i have been eating a hell of a lot more and serving and cooking for myself. ALL of which I havent done in 3 years...so yea nothing changed. I was hurt like here I am really struggling and its still like nope not good enough-fail! So I walk away and go for a run but my mom is like no lets talk. I want to talk blah I was like no back off...so I go for a run to come back to my mom waiting for me in my room to talk about what had happened. I was crying and right away she mentions everything I had written in my journal right before i left for the run so then im pissed that she read that Oh to top it all off my mom weighed me this morning and officially locked LOCKED the fricken scale and took the key. Which my spnspor swears my HP was working through my mom to take the scale away since that fast I was weighing myself maybe 5 times a day again.

Then my sponsor has also been on my case. You need to get to a meeting. So I finally do (which try to tell her i just move and cant make it yet is apparently making an excuse) and shes doesnt go!!! So im there with my mom, to then text my sponsor saying I went and she then decided to harp on me about going to one everyday just like give me a break....

Heres a hint for everyone right now...THIS IS MY (MYYYYY) JOURNY, SO BACK OFFFFF!

Someone answer this question, please!

If you read this, you all know that my grandmom really isn't doing well.

Today was the worse by far. We walked in and she was crying, saying, "Why wont you take me home, why cant i come home?" We told her we want her home but she needs to get stronger first. She was very upset. Then it was dinner time...she didnt want to eat. I said you have to eat to get strong and come home. She replied, and I quote, "You are killing me, and all i have to do is die" I managed to get food in her mouth but she was spitting it out and when she left in there she fell asleep and I had to wake her up to tell her to chew and swallow. My aunt wanted me to feed her more but I was like no, shes out of it and if she chokes while im feeding her knowing how she is I woulnt be able to handle it.

Then she was seeing things, she saw a woman in front of her who wasnt there. She was talking to people who have died (which is another sign of death) I was really scared today. She is also very restless. She keeps pulling out her catherdor and tearing up her bedsheets and taking off her clothes...which apparently is another sign of death...

So now the question....Should I go home or should I stay here with my grandmom?

I want to go home because I dont want to see it happen, and I dont want to remember my grandmom this way.

I want to stay because I want to be there for her, I dont want to abandon her,  I want to be able to say goodbye.

The delimna is which is the best choice? If I leave is it abandoning her and being cruel hearted or is it taking care of myself. You have no idea how hard it is to see someone like this everyday and arent able to do anything for them...

I do want opinions so what do you all think, should I stay or should I go?

Life

Life. Has thrown me a lot of ups and downs lately. I don't know how much longer I can manage.

My grandmom is in the hospital, and my sister asked me to send her a video of her since she is 3 hours away....so I did, then everyone wanted to see it. So I posted it. Well that turned around and stabbed me in the back. My sister ended up sending the video to my dad and my dad reported it. He could have called us but no he had to report it. So now there is a legal suit going on. Just what everyone needed...and its like ok where have you been to even care. Last time I checked you seen her once since she was in the hospital. I confronted my sister on it, because she is the only one in the family who talks to them and of course she is denying it. She never seen a video, she tells my mom...she tells me she doesnt remember it and she got a new phone so she cant see it again...flat out lying to everyone. All i know is if she wants info on her she has to either come up and see her or ask dad...who tells her that he goes everyday...she isn't going to get anything from me to turn around and bite me in the ass. Maybe its harsh, but im so tired of being everyone's goddamn victim...i have enough going on and  I cant deal with it anymore.  My mom even said ever since she started talking to dad again is when she started lying, being sneaky, pushing people away and always on edge...hate to say it but im honestly at a point where I want nothing to do with her.

Anyway. I am going home on July 1st =) Denise will do skype sessions with me until I get a new therapist, and until i know she is a keeper. Even offered to help me look for one. I already know I am going to have a hard time finding someone new, nobody is going to compare to denise....my aunt said I have to keep an open mind. Denise I feel like she cares more about me than the money though. She takes time out of her life to do things for me. Or to understand me more. I have had many out patient therapists and never had a good experience until Denise...who oddly enough doesnt specialize in eds and she is the one who has helped me the most...she focuses on the problem and not the behaviors so im able to actually work through things.

Depression

I have been beyond depressed lately. I have cut myself off from the world. The only people I talk to are the ones who have contacted me. Which doesn't really help at all to my depression, making me feel very alone. Only one person has contacted me. Somedays I get two...I have that realtionship with my dad that I only hear from him if I reach out to him, its spreading with my sister and most days with my mom (unless she knows something will she contact me) I am not doing it with my friends. I wont. Relationships work both ways and I am not going to be the only one reaching out all the time. Its not fair. So that plays a lot into my depression its like woah see if you (ME) dont talk to anyone, nobody thinks to talk to you. Im not even thought of. I am very alone.

Today I was fine until I  got home from visiting my grandmom it was non stop crying. I disappeared in my room then I thought I was fine and nope sat on the sofa crying. Then again thought I was okay...nope go to the bathroom crying. I thought of Denise, she told me to journal when stuff happens so I sat down and wrote. But days like this, boy do I hate denise for taking my meds away from me. Which I texted her that, and she called a few seconds later, asking what was wrong and if she could talk to my aunt. I said no so she made me promise her that I would not hang up the phone until she thought I was okay.

I actually needed to call the Tapp line tonight. (sucidial line) for support which I was hesitant about because I  dont want them coming to my house and making a big thing of it.

I am still beyond depressed. lots of thoughts going on. But I have tried twice already so apparently im no good at it and I really rather not be pumped out again. Thats me the coward I am : (

You are being so damn stupid

My sister is still being an idiot...it's really starting to piss me off. I feel like she has forgotten about me. Two reasons...1. The fact that her husband and her are trying to work things out and instead of getting an apartment together she is STILL moving in with our dad. Her the baby and her husband its like grow up you are about to be a mother and you are moving into dads when you can afford your own place? Just why? She says better schools, and less drugs and better work...hmmm last time I checked we are finding meth labs around here left and right and we are ranked #1 in unemployment. She's doing it because dad is making it seem like she will have it made. My aunt says that she better not go running to her to save her again because she wont do it if my uncle isnt talking to my dad and if im still not talking to my dad. 2. She was up here for a week to visit my grandmom and she completely ignored me. If we didnt bump into her at the hospital I wouldnt have even known she was up here. We used to talk everyday....Lately i have been distancing myself from her. I am hurt by her, and I frustrated with her. She apparently knows because she keeps asking me why I am so mad at her. Today I actually said to her "Because you're being so damn stupid and you are nothing but drama and with everything going on with Mom mom I can't handle it"

Anyway, my grandmom doctor said she is in kidney failure and has a blocked uretha. Her having the catherdor is a permenant thing now. They will change it once a month. She is in a rehab for physical therapy. Though if there is no improvement in 3 days her insurance won't cover it. She has been in a lot of pain the last 2 days. She is cooperating and moving her legs now that is why she is in pain. But it breaks my heart when I go and see her and she says "I didnt know someone could feel this rotten" I am feeding her. She keeps telling me no, but then  I say please, or just one, or last bite, etc haha (bad memory is helping this case because this is allowing her to finish the meal) Yesterday she actually tried holding her own drink when I was giving it too her. She did that today too, yesterday she also hugged me. Well tried to, she put her one arm near my shoulder when I kissed her. Yesterday she was also crying. She said she was "sad because she is sad" I think its either because of the pain or because she realized where she is at. Oh haha yesterday she put her hand on my stomach when I was feeding her I was like umm im not the one pregnant haha and today she put her hand on my (non) boob. I was like "mom mom, I love you but why are you feeling me up" She had this huge smile on her face and laughed.

One of the nurses there pissed me off though. I was standing/walking and she pulled a wheelchair to me. I said no, my grandmom doesnt need it, its her resting/dinner time. She then said "No for you, please use it here you make me nervous when I see you walk or stand. You have to be 80lbs  dripping wet" NO im not fricken 80lbs im less than that but thanks for making me feel like a fat cow! Later on I was rubbing my grandmoms back and turned to my aunt saying even her shoulders pop out. My aunt said "So do yours and she weighs 30lbs more than you" So I pretty much set myself up for that one.

Oh my mom talked to my therapist. To ask what is best for me. I told my mom that my aunt is triggering and is holding me back. (even today she tells me natural laxatives...why if you know I have/had a problem with abusing them in the 1st place) And they talked, they actually scheduled an appointment to talk more where my mom, denise and my moms boyfriend can talk (kind of annoyed that her boyfriend needs to be involved but if I say no it will be a problem) Denise told her "She needs her family right now, her real family not aunts and uncles." She also mentioned how my aunt is triggering and how she holds me back. So it has been decided that I will be going home. =) I was pretty nervous with them talking, but it turned out in my favor and it helps that I trust Denise (yea denise not my mom) to not say anything I said she couldn't and to tell me everything that was mentioned...

Anyway that is enough of my sob story haha

Haven't you heard? Im going to be okay!

Well my grandmom is doing a little better. She is talking again. It nice to hear her and to be alert. Though she is still out of it. Today she didnt eat much and when we said something to her she said "Well when you get your tonsils out..." We were like uhhh you didnt get your tonsils out haha. They are trying to wean her off the oxygen she lasted a day before she needed to be put back on it. My aunt keeps saying that when she is home she is going to take her off one medicine...I keep aruging with her saying the doctors know what is better for her, taking her off a med can be dangerous and harmful! but im nobody.

Also my sister, decided to work things out with her husband (if  I didn't write it before...he texted her saying sorry he made a mistake) so they are going to try to work on things...which means NO MOVING INTO DADS =)

On the down side, Denise wants me in IOP. As fast as it was said it was refused. Not happening sorry. Yea ive been pretty bad for a little while now but a lot of things have been going on. Not that I am making an excuse its just right now its not that I dont want recovery its just not on my mind right now. To feel that pain on top of all the pain of what is already going on. I am also pretty sure my sponsor might drop me soon. She hasnt said anything but she has been getting pretty mad and stern with me, and she already threaten its once 2 years ago. Even denise mentioned not working with me anymore, then took it back in a way, I dont know she said something about it then said thats not what she meant...still confused about that one. I honestly think shes not leaving because she knows without her I wont get better, not that im any better now but without someone to hear me out, I will just get worse and fast. She even said "Im not dropping you right now, right now is the time you need me most" Shes pretty cool, she not crazy about that stupid ethnic rule thing my old therapist had and ended up dropping me when i needed her most too, a week after that I was in the hospital haha so sorry tough love with eating disorders don't work!!!!

Anyway today was okay, not good not bad. First day where I didnt get any bad news so its still hopeful. I will keep hanging on and  I will be okay!

She's crazy!

I had therapy today, after telling her that I still have not eaten she was a bit upset (well I ate once in the last 9 days). Saying I need to go to the doctor and she feels like I am at my "death weight" She wants me in IOP until I go back to ERC as being at home going to therapy 3 times a week just isnt cutting it for me. I think she is just paranoid. She was said she can't work with me if I am not getting the proper treatment I was like seriously just what I need right now...then she was like no im not saying im leaving ill still work with you??? UMMM okay than im taking "she cant work with me unless i have the proper treatment" wrong? She said  I was super pale, but I dont see it, I guess it might be true though because my uncle told me that I was paler than pale two nights ago. She understands that I have a lot on my plate (haha no pun intended) but I still need to eat and blah blah blah. She was trying to make me say that I am worthy. I was like No...she then said do u remember a time where you felt like you were I said no. Then she asked more about growing up. My dad left and my mom was busy finding a new boyfriend, leaving me being raised by my sister and grandparents. She said that its playing a big part in my sense of worth...like nobody was around then so why now, type of thing. She made me think of two people who were like parent roles growing up, for a mom it was Monica (best friends mom) and for a dad is my moms current boyfriend, but that relationship is rough because I feel like if it wasnt for him I would have gotten to experience my parents together. (my mom had an affair with him) Then she said people care because everyone is really checking in with me lately. Which I am grateful for but its like they dont really know who I am. Like my eda girls I love you but I really think you are misguided. Then she said my sponsor cares (which I know and is the only person I never doubted) and denise cares. I was like umm yea I pay you to care. She went into no you pay me for listening, not to care. haha. Then she was saying how big of a heart I have, and how im loyal and driven (in a good and bad way) how much I care and feel for others. I was like umm yeah you dont know me. She said from what you tell me about your friends, and how you talk in here I think I can say that without hesitation. Then why is it so hard for me to believe that, and I told her it's just hard believing what others say when I dont believe it myself.

Officially hanging off the cliff

.....  (I did that because I honestly dont know where to start)

Well. update on my grandmom, her blood work came back horrible. She was again zoned out, like I dont even think she knew we where there with her. She kept trying to lift her head to grab something but nothing was there to grab. I grabbed her hands (she keeps trying to pull her oxygen out...and man can she squeeze, by the time we let go of hands my hands were red!) Nothing really changed though. She was suppose to get and MRI but she didn't. She had a cat scan yesterday, which told us she has been having mini strokes. And her stomach pain was because she had a severe uti which literally blocked her up and made her "full of shit (and urine)" But they put in a catheder and that allowed her to release 1600 of urine. (the tube for it though looked crusty-from the infection) She is still very dehydrated. Oh the infection is so bad that its causing her kidney to have failure. But she's one tough chick and im hoping that along with everything else she will be able to get through this.

So needless to say, i have been majorly restricting. Like major. My uncle confronted it tonight (just what I needed to be pushed over the edge) He said I "just need to eat and drink and take care of myself" and that and I quote "You're anorexia is breaking my heart" (said it and HE started crying) I told him I am sorry but everything just is wrong right now, I dont even think to eat. And when im faced with food im just not hungry. He wants me to eat things that I apparently make faces too. Ummm why would I eat things I dont like? I dont even eat things I do like haha. He told me that I have so much life ahead of me...I dont feel like its true i feel like my life is pretty much over. And how someone is meant for me and blah blah blah, I wasnt feeling lonely but now I do, so thanks for that!

Now MORE drama with my sister...she is coming up on Thursday to see mom mom and is she coming here? NO, shes going to the hospital then to my dads where my dad will drive her home the next day...kinda a stab in the back for the people who have been here for her, unlike my dad who magically became the hero after not talking to her for 7 years.

Sorry if  I repeated, or if I continued something that wasnt started, my head isn't on right anymore.

On the edge of a cliff

AHHHHH!

My life is nothing but sucky right now. I hate to blog when i feel like this but I dont know what else to do and I hate blogging about bad things, making my life seem a lot worse than what it is...but again i dont know what else to do.

So it all started about 2 weeks ago. First my grandmom's health went downhill and fast. She is not eating/drinking right.(we have to hand feed her now) She cant see or hear that great shes doing nothing but sleeping, she's completely zoned out. She keeps moaning like she is in pain but says she's not. Its hard seeing everyday let alone that it's going to happen in the house. But it's what she wants. It's just hard.

Then on top of that, my sister and her husband had planned me moving in with them to help with the baby. Well Will (her husband) decided to get a divorce, and sign custody over so he has nothing to do with the baby...He left, just like my dad to us. Oh and my sister has had a hard pregnancy, nothing but problems leaving her on bedrest, and yup will took all they money they had saved. My mom doesnt want a newborn in the house, and my sister can't afford her own place now so her options are 1. Give her up for adoption. 2. Move in with my dad. Which she is leaning towards...The thing with my dad he makes everything seem so wonderful its hard to say no to him. But in the end it never adds up, and she will be disappointed. He is saying he will help with the baby whenever she needs it, he can get her a job and she can use his car anytime....I dont see him sticking to his word now if he hasnt in the past. Plus if she goes there, 3 hours away from everyone if he is still drunk and violent! How is that a good idea???? And I was suppose to go home to help with the baby so if shes with my dad (which I refuse to even see at this point) then where does that leave me? I was totally forgotten in the plan. Luckily my mom says she will talk to my stepdad but shes been saying this for months now. I was starting to get better to have that baby in my life and I still wont have her there. I mean I know we can visit but its like if shes living there I dont even want to risk seeing my dad. I really dont see it working out.


I have been trying to figure a solution out for her but she doesnt want to hear it. I sent her links and shes busy playing games instead...my sponsor and my mom told me that I am making her problem as it is mine....I just dont want her or that baby with my dad...thats not a good solution, so I have to do something about it, problem is I CAN'T. I even said I would get an apartment and she can live with me, but considering my medical problems and treatment and everything they don't want me to.

I am feeling pretty hopeless and honestly I would rather be dead right now.

I even told my mom that I felt like I was on edge ever since sunday (drama with my dad...lead into a 3 day giving up phrase) Like I was on the edge of a cliff about to fall off. One more bad thing would push me over. Well now im hanging off the cliff. I still havent completely falling but im danging with nothing under my feet, that is how I feel. Keep the bad news coming and I won't even be hanging on anymore.

Oh and get this, my stepmom has posted on my sisters fb that "Family is always here and always will be" WTF...seriously you havent talked to my sister in 7 years, my grandmom in 3 and my uncle and I in 1yr...TOTAL FAKES and it pisses me off

Things don't go my way.

Well the plan was for me to cancel therapy today....well my therapist thought differently. She called me.  She said I have to stay connected with her through this "excrustating journey" She told me that Im not a failure, that my ed (as she refers to as the devil) has a grip on me and doesnt want me happy and free...I started crying and she said "Ready to let go now?" I told her im scared. And how I want to be better for this baby but at the same time I dont think its going to happen so its a bit discouraging, to feel like everything you worked towards wont happen. And I dont know how to handle it without ed...She said she understands, but when I said  "if it doesnt happen I wont even try and just go down really fast and will be sucidial" she was shocked. That is when she realized how much me going home means to me. She said well if you know that, we can prevent it. We can work on the rejection and abandonment issues but its not like its not happening it will happen just not this week and going back to ed will keep you away longer...logically I know that but at the same time how do I handle all the pain now while its not in place yet? She wants me to draw and to journal...okay but its not going to take it away and make things happen for me. Its not like im asking for a lot. All I want is to be home.

She was on my case about going to a doctor. I keep cancelling that too. I told her that I have leg pains. Like it hurts to walk or stand right now. I told her I think its from over exercising like i tore my muscles in both of my legs, and my aunt thinks its a low level of potassium. Denise said it could be both and I need to get it checked out. I told her at night (weird its only at night) my arms and legs feel like they go paralyzed. That completely freaked her out. She is also concerned about my spitting up blood again, which makes sense its happening more because im purging more. She is constantly asking about my chest pains too...sorry get over it, not wasting time in the doctors to hear what I already know. Then she freaking calls Remuda Ranch and sets up an evaulation for me tomorrow. And if im approved then I can be admitted on Friday...WTF DENISE??????

tell the truth

oh my lord...my aunt is driving me nuts. She is telling everyone "Oh she's doing good and is in remission".....REALLY? ummm whatever. I don't even have the energy to argue or to call her out on it.  I just sit there and shake my head. Last time I checked I was in bed ALL fricken day yesterday sleeping, and throwing up, my whole body sore but yeah im doing good????? it's just frustrating like ok I am not one to ask for any pity but its like can we not be honest about anything to anyone anymore? Yesterday I didn't exercise at all.I was lucky if I left my room at all, so today despite still being sore and weak I felt extremely lazy and needed to do something. So I tried to do some yoga, but that turned into an hour long workout. Then a break then another workout...I know im pushing my body over the limit, i know it, I feel it but i don't care. I dont want to die fat. I know thats harsh to say but i dont want to be. My friend and I got NG tubes together, so we could support one another, and we both needed them...she got hers a few days after I did but it was still my tube buddy....well she pulled hers out. So that pushed me over the edge and made me pull mine out too. Like why can she and I can't? I don't know it gave me permission though she knew I was tempted to do it for days and was trying to get me to promise that  I wouldn't...I did but it didnt do any good my doctor put another one back in the next day haha....so my therapist wants me back inpatient. Says, "We don't have time to waste to sit around and see if you can do it on your own or not...yes you did get on track but you were still losing weight. I understand you stopped using certain behaviors but it wasn't enough and now you are at a danger zone and we dont have that time anymore" SEE THAT???? WASN'T ENOUGH her exact words....never is. So she has been on my case. I told her I would call a few places but I haven't. And  I don't plan on doing it this week or next haha. She keeps calling and texting though to "remind" me. I don't think she was all that surprised when I called her today to cancel our session for Monday. oh well...she the thing that annoys me...it doesnt matter if i eat or not at this point I am still going to lose weight. I have another medical issue that people seem to forget about, that the only blame my ed for my weight when that's not my reality and I will not go into another center unless they treat both. And I stopped treatment for one, so...enough said. I also don't want to be wasting my time in a center...ive been to how many now and still here, stuck in this, so why try again? Especially if it's a "race against time now" I dont want to be there. I WANT to be HOME. SOMEONE PLEASE LISTEN TO ME JUST THIS ONCE. THAT'S ALL I WANT I WANT TO BE HOME

Being Smothered.

Last night my uncle decided to keep me up until 2:30..lately ive been in bed by 12. To talk about my ed. How  I am 22 and need to take responsibility for myself. (this was about serving myself...which i can't do because i don't feel like its my home so im not going to help myself to their food...maybe ed. i dont know?). He was a bit concerned when  I said I have full intentions to going back to being a vegitarian when I move back home...he says that is restricting myself....I dont think it is though. I just don't like eating meat. Ever since 9th grade and  I disected that poor little piggy =( He and my mom want to talk to my therapist now...I asked why and he said, "I want to know what you talk about" uhhhh....she's not going to tell you that, butt out some!!!Oh he also mentioned that me going to support groups is an obsession...that when/if  i go home that I shouldnt do family therapy or go to groups because it will "remind me of my weakest point" Well first...my family needs to go to family therapy to work on issues...and 2. since when is getting support a bad thing? When I go to a meeting, I don't feel alone, even if  I dont act out doesnt mean I am not struggling.

I feel like Im being smothered. Like everyone is trying to control this. To control me from completely going downhill. To control me...Here's a tip for ya....if you control me or try to...I use ed more because it's something I can control...

It's so frustrating because this is MY problem and everyone else is butting in and taking it from me. Everyone needs to back away from me a little bit...Nobody even listens to me. Last night I kept saying I have to go to bed. I feel like I am being attacked and like im not good enough, maybe im taking it the wrong way because I am tried....But no, let's keep talking about what I still need to work on. HAHA he said "You gained a lot".....hmmm anorexic here...apparently my eyes got really wide when he said that because he then said "Not weight, I mean progress...not weight, cut me some slack"...ummmmm You want me to cut you some slack? How about you cut me some???

I really just want to be left the hell alone. There is no fricken need for him or my mom to talk to MY goddamn therapist. I feel like a little kid being checked up on. For christs sake im 22.

Oh my uncle also wants to talk with my mom when I go home for "do's and don'ts" I was trying not to laugh...no offense but he doesn't know a goddamn thing and I hope he doesn't talk to her. Like my mom understands that if  I serve myself that  I need to measure it. I can't estimate. I just can't...my uncle is completely against this.

Then he kept saying how horrible I would do if I were to go home....umm give me no credit...I did pretty damn well when  I was home for week. But  I guess that doesn't matter...

I also talked to my mom the other night. Crying...how this is my 1st niece and I am going to miss everything. How I am suppose to be in the delivery room and if she goes into early labor that I won't be there. My mom says she has a plan though. That  I am worrying about nothing (laughing at me). That she will have a baby shower in July and she is expecting me to live in the area by then...hopefully. I want to be with my niece as much as I can be. I know greedy me.. .I want I want I want...

Somewhere I lost hope

 (Tb sorry I know you dont like me talking like this which is why its in a blog and not a convo with you hehe you can stop reading whenever you choose)

I don't really know what happened...I thought I was having an okay day today, maybe not ed wise but emotion wise. I reached out to a lot of other people...somewhere though I felt like an idiot. What the hell am I doing talking to all these people? I should be pulling myself away not getting closer to them. It's not fair to them. (TB I know what you are thinking...)I feel like because of this time frame thing, I don't deserve my friends. They have enough going on that they don't need this on top of it...maybe that is vain to even think for a second that it would make someone miserable for days. I know I say that I want everyone to be okay, but deep down I want to be missed. I dont really want them crying though. Seems like I have them crying enough already...I don't even know how many people I talked to today and I got at least 2-3 people crying. I feel bad, like  I am putting this on them. I know I didn't ask for this but  I feel and I  completely take the blame for the pain others might or do feel. And I don't want them to have pain, not because of me, therefore I feel like I can't talk about this to anyone. And  I hate crying in front of others...it makes me feel so weak and vulerable and I already get hurt and opening myself up to others when im weak like that is a good recipe for me getting hurt again. So I haven't even talked about it in therapy. I mean  I mentioned it but like anything else when I begin to feel tears  I change the subject. I know everyone wants me to be strong and to hang in there and keep fighting and not to give up...but its been 14 years...that is a long time! I was strong and never gave up for 14 years...why can't someone else be strong for me right now or understand why I don't want to fight it anymore? I am tired of fighting and being stuck and not being able to do anything. I want to live now. For the rest of the time I want to live rather than fight against it. (though now I that I am "living" all I am doing is sleeping anymore") I feel like all I do is complain. That's it. I whine and complain about how sucky my life is...It's like com'on grow up and get over it...at least I still have a roof over my head. Food on my plate (though ed jumps in and takes that away right now) Still have family and friends (and  I use those words loosely) who are by me, praying for me.

I honestly am at a point where I just want it to happen already...waiting is nothing but torture. Like  I am terrified of saying "Ill be there next weekend" when  I don't know if  I will be. It scares the shit out of me that my neice might not know me. And if she does, she won't remember me and  I hate the fact that I am only going to be a story to her (and even then they might not even tell her about me because of how screwed up I am). When I found out that she was on the way was when I saw the reason to fight. She was the reason why I made changes in my life, she literally has changed my life and  I won't be able to tell her that and how much she already means to me. I feel like any good relationship Ill ever have are just starting to form and  I won't be able to see if it lasts or not for once.

I think I am in the angry phrase of the whole process and that alone scares the shit out of me. I refuse to be my dad. I have worked this hard and got this sick to be everything but my dad and now its like what good does that do? Something else I suck at, because right now  I am 100% pissed off. I am mad, like angry, I am hurt, I am upset, I am depressed. The one thing I was supposedly good at turns out that  I suck at that too.

I am honestly at a point where  I am praying that tonight will be the day that  I don't wake up. I won't and everyone else won't have to wait anymore and honestly if it doesn't happen soon then I might take it into my own hands...(funny ed is back in my grip and that fast my depression is 10x worse.) It just seems easier right now. My mom and sister can stop having to pick up the phone with the first words out of their mouths "Is stefanie okay, did it happen?" My mom will be able to sleep again. I won't make other cry, I won't rely on others. It's just easier. for everyone.

Where I am today

Today  I had therapy, and no lie I was in the office for an hour and a half talking about my body. How  I hate it, apparently I often say that I have or I am getting a double chin...today I told denise that, and she made me show her where  I saw the fat on my body, to tell me that it's not really there. And I know what she was doing but it didn't help. I am still hating my body. Still wanting to lose weight.  I talked to my sponsor today about it too and she wants me to rub lotion on my body and as I am doing it say something like "I love my feet because....." I laughed. I didn't mean to but saying something positive about any body part of mine is awkward for me. And rare...well she had to go and I surprisingly knew I needed to let more out today. So I picked up the phone and called lisa (also from aba) who I haven't talked to in months so it was good catching up though she was mainly concerned with my other issues but she found out that I was struggling with my body and she tried to help but saying "Okay, you are having a shitty body today, you are allowed that but don't let that keep you from moving forward" I know. I feel stuck though. Like I am on a teeter totter. I want to get better so I can be home and in the baby's life. But then my head tells me "well you're not home right now" (and yes I know if I listen to ed my mom will catch on and won't allow me back home) Then I also think okay less than a year...why fight it the rest of the time? Which lisa told me that yes my doctor did tell me that, but they could be wrong. Like her brother has a liver disease and they told him he would be dead in 2 years, in 2000...its now 2012 and with new meds coming out he is still alive...

Anyway, Denise told me this week  I will probably lose weight because  I am back up at my aunts and I eat less here than  I do at home so  I don't even need to try. Haha my sponsor wasn't crazy with denise today said she was arguing with my ed the entire session. I just feel like everyone knows  I have an ed and therefore I have to prove to them everyday that  I really do. I don't get it.

Lisa also told me that my body image is kicking in because something else is on my mind...like we focus on our bodies rather than focusing on everything else. She said it makes sense that my body image is bad right now. Oh and  I told my aunt and she said "get over it" hmmm....yea if  I could get over it  I would have a longggg ass time ago. It's not that easy. Maybe they are lies, maybe I really don't have a double chin but it sure as hell feels real.

So I reached out a lot today not sure it will help any,  I have it made up in my mind that I will purge still and once its in my head it's usually set in stone. Unless I hear awesome news and makes me feel positive it might change for now. for today I think ed (rather annie) will lead the way today.

My eyes are leaking

Well today was kind of brutal. I woke up this morning to leave my home...my mom decided to weigh me yet again as I am about to walk out the door. She cried. She didn't want me to leave so  I don't know if she cried because I was leaving or because of my weight. I haven't been feeling well lately so my weight must be down. I slept the entire car ride home. I woke up about 15 mins away from my aunts house to my sister telling me that we were going to make a pit stop...to my dad's. Well in short, I was an idiot and it didn't end well...

Then I get home and settle back in.  I have been majorly struggling with my body lately. I don't even know how many times I have texted my sponsor to tell her that I was getting a double chin or to ask her if she thought  I was fat. Obviously, she lied and told me no. I am getting mixed messages too. Which doesnt help. I was told  I look good, or better, that they are proud but then I also get concerns that  about my weight. I just hate my body and honestly no matter what comment is made it won't help right now. I haven't exercised in a week and  I ate a lot. Like I seriously think I have gained about 70lbs while I was home...Then I come back today and I purged dinner. Despite me already have chest pains. that's ed for you.

It's weird too because I was just saying to Denise that I felt good. I don't feel like I am pretending anymore. Like my mom said this was the best visit she had with me, and I didn't even do anything...normally I am lying and hiding and trying to be something they want. I guess I'm just being me...whoever that is. I am already planning on cutting and exercising later tonight. And I am trying to figure out how to restrict and purge tomorrow...like I said one act on my purging it just automatically starts everything back up. So  I guess we will see...

I allowed myself to cry today. Not because of leaving home, not because of once again leaving my dog at home. Not because of my dad...but because of the big C word...someone asked me if I was scared to die. Honestly no I'm not. not anymore. I am more pissed off than anything. I don't feel like  I will ever experience life. I am 22 and growing up I was always in the hospital or told that I couldn't do this or that because my body couldn't handle it. Then I turned 18 and could do what  I want but I was too busy being in hospital and treatment centers. Now I stopped treatment and I am always exhausted that I couldn't do something no matter how badly  I wanted...well besides the once a week burst of energy I get. It's just not fair. I wish I could be around to see who cried. Who would noticed. Who would be a mess....which is weird because I always say that  I don't want people to cry when I end up passing away. I want them to be okay. But a part of me has to admit that I do want someone to cry about me. I was crying to my sister saying how unfair this is. That I want that baby to know me as a person and not a story, but I guess it's out of my hands so no reason to cry over it anymore....yea yea I know "it's okay to cry about it"....this is why I feel like a fraud. I feel like sooner or later people are going see that  I really am not strong and leave anyway. I am not strong. I am weak. I am actaully a mess. Falling apart piece by piece. Someone who is strong isn't like me...Or people won't care but pull away from me to protect themselves I mean really why get attached to someone who is leaving in a matter of months? Kinda pointless...I am angry about leaving. I don't want to leave certain people. Like a good friend, whether she admits it or not I think she relies on me just as much as I rely on her (which if you are reading  I am more than happy to be that person you lean on) and my neice. And my mom. I know that my mom drives me crazy but  I really do think and hope that she will be a mess when it's all done and said. I know my dad wouldn't care. I really wish I could just hear him say once, just once that he does. I just need to know that someone does.

I told someone about my little "pit stop" today and she said "Your father is going to kill you" I couldn't say anything. 1. because it's true. and 2. I want it. At least it will be faster. At least  I will be free from everything and everyone else will be released. Right now I am kind of just dangling on a piece of string waiting for it to break. I am not a patient person haha apparently even with things  I don't want to happen. Its kind of like now or never with me.

Leaving tomorrow

I leave tomorrow bright and early...I am ready to go but I'm not. This week has flown by. I was able to see my sponsor for 3 total hours (one hr on wed and and 2 hours today) I haven't seen her in 3 years so it was good to catch up in person. We went to meetings (aba) on both days...which both times I was trying to convinced myself to not go. The only reason why I did was to see Jen...but both times I ended up really like going. It makes me feel less alone. I have been telling myself lately that I am not really anorexic. But then I go to these meetings, and how can others say the things I think in my head if  I am not anorexic? Literally everyone who shared (not me) I was shaking my head and agreeing with everything they said. I related so much it was insane.  Everyone here at home is saying how proud they are beginging to be. How this is the best visit yet they had with me in the last 3 years...my mom told me that she is so happy that she is getting her daughter back, and how I have "sparkles and life back in my eyes".....I mean it feels good to hear it, but I feel like a fraud. I know where  I am. I know I am still struggling, and that I have a long way to go still. I am a big people pleaser and I don't want to diasppoint them. Anyway,  Wednesday night when  I was leaving the meetings, I walked right into my sponsor,  told her I was sorry that  I all of a sudden got dizzy and before I knew it  I was laying on the ground. The next say I complained about seeing black spots...which is normal for me when  I stand up but this time around I was laying down...not moving. Then today my chest hurt, and my arms are numb (signs of a heart attack) and end up having a seizure in my sponsor's car...luckily she is a doctor and didn't freak out too bad. But she did drive me to the hospital where I stayed at from 12:30 to 3 and came home with yet another feeding tube =/ Esstenially because I am still way under my caloric requirment but feel like I can't eat anymore than I already am. It's hard. I feel like I have gained 50lbs this week and I know  I still need to gain weight, but I dont want to. like at all. I told Jen that  I am getting a double chin ahah she said no way and that I was on dangerous ground (this seems to be the number one phrase  I tell myself before I use ed.)


So then after tube is in, my mom still insists that we go out as a family to have dinner...which is overwhelmimg...lets throw a feeding tube on my face. Everyone was staring at me. The waitress was extrememly nice though. I ate what  I could. I actaully took my sponsor's advice to talk to my mom before we left the house. To tell her that it is overwhelming for me and to make a plan in case I can't pick what to eat...im not in a place to decide on my own yet because if it was up to me it would be iceberg lettace. So I am eating what people serve to me...anyway, she said okay or I could just say ill have what she is having (though I couldn't do this because my mom ordered something with mushrooms and  I didn't feel like going back to the hospital-highly allegric to those) I thought talking to my mom before hand would help, in case she saw mw struggle (which I also told her if  I text or call someone im not being rude its because I need help from someone who understand it) anyway, it didn't help. I am glad I told them what I needed but it ended up with my mom pretty much reading the entire menu to me...I got a comment on shaking my leg. so besides that and the tube hanging out of my nose, it was okay.

Tonight

My sister cried tonight. She told me that my health got to the point where if my mom calls her  or if she calls my mom they answer with, "Is stefanie okay?"  I told them sorry, I am trying to get better but like everything else  I can't control it...Even ed. There is a saying, that goes, "You didn't cause it, You can't control it and you can't cure it" You can take steps to help but there is no guarntee that it will go away. It's a disease. You can do so much treatment and go to so many meetings, you can take steps to try to get better but in the end you have a disease. I feel bad, I don't want people crying and so worried that they can't sleep...my sister also told me that they both can't sleep and when they do they have nightmares because they know one day they will get a phone call to tell the other that  I had passed away. She told me how she isn't ready. How she wants me in her child's life just as much as I want to be there. I wish I had the power to change it. To make everything okay. I feel bad that I am causing them this stress. But again  I can't control it and in a way it is comforting that they don't want this to happen because for a while there I thought that they didn't care. So it's confusing it makes me feel bad but it makes me feel good at the same time haha. My sister also shared with me that she is keeping a journal. She is writing down everything, from how my doctor appointments went to how  I feel that day. It is actually very cute. She has some pictures in there as well...She apparently started this a while ago and she was reading some journal entries and it was dated back to when I first went into treatment so around 2 years ago!

Easter

Easter was pretty rough. I went to a family BBQ...which my mom asked if  I wanted to go but I was forced to go, because staying home alone was considered isolation...so why ask if I want to go? Anyway, I haven't seen my family in about 3 years because I was always in treatment. So going from not seeing anyone to see everyone in one day is a bit overwhelming. Plus  I was sitting in a room with about 20 people and nobody talking to me. So I lasted there for about 5.5 hours before  I told my mom that I needed to leave. Then my mom and stepdad make a scene of it. Saying, "You complain that you never go out then you do and you want to go home." They wouldn't quit it. I did go out. Give me some credit....I eventually was holding back tears and said, "Are you seriously going to make fun of my in front of the entire family?" My mom then stopped. I told her its a bit different when people are talking to you. And I am not like them I am sick and I can't handle things that they don't even think about. I tried. I did what I could. Then my sister texted me to let me know she was about 5 mins away and could pick me up. So  I said yes....then my step dad is like what you complaining to her...I said no, she texted me and I texted back...when my sister got there he literally asked her right in front of me, if  I had texted her to pick me up. She told him no. And I sooooo wanted to say "See, I didn't lie HAHA" but I didn't...everyone kept offering me food, and diet drinks (which my mom didn't allow me to have haha) it was frustrating. My mom follwed me in the bathroom. Then comes dinner and I serve myself (which I haven't done in forever) and my mom makes comments that it wasn't enough and everyone was watching as I put more on my plate according to my mom's approval. It was embarrassing I mean  Iam 22...which everyone thinks I am still a little girl. They were all talking about something and everyone would come up to me and cover my ears...whatever.

Anyway, I had a phone session today and do I know my sister...she was sitting right there. Singing in the background. HA my therapist got annoyed and told me to walk away. It would be one thing if  I was on the phone with a friend but it's a different story when I am having therapy. My therapist told me that my mom needs to back off a bit. hehe. My mom wants to talk to my therapist and  I told her yes, but I told Denise things she can and cant say....and I trust her so I think it will be okay. Denise is looking at it more as an educational session for her. Things she can do, dont do to help me. My mom says she wants to talk to her to make sure I am ready to move back, but I am not stupid it's going to be "How is she reallly doing? How long how she been doing good for?" which she won't get from denise...

My mom also weighed me yesterday....she asked me to come up and I knew right away what she wanted. It was like a show though. She covered the scale so I couldn't see and my stepdad sitting on the couch watching me to make sure  I didn't try to look down...again embarrasing...im not in treatment im home. I wished I could be treated like it...so my mom  hugs me and cries. I said, "well if you are going to be so disappointed with thr number than stop weighing me...its not your job to do it" Then a few hours later, she tells me "I am so happy you are getting better. That you won't be a statistic. I know it's hard. It's a battle everyday" Ummm you DON"T KNOW. that is all I will say. but it made me think "Oh crap my number is up, she is happy now, i gained, what is the number? im fat...."and so forth.

I don't know why, but the last few days have been brutal to me. Saturday I did nothing but sleep. It was actaully very hard to keep my eyes open. I felt drugged up.  I didn't want to move. Yesterday  I felt sick and wanted to crawl back into bed but today  I am feeling a but better. I had energy. I cleaned the entire kitchen. (which I later got in trouble for because I was burning calories...you're welcome for cleaning it though....) So hopefully that means whatever is going on with me will stop now and I can actaully enjoy being home. I don't want to be home but waste it away laying in bed....i know I know, do what I can, take care of myself blah blah blah.

Home

I don't like complaining, and I know I do it a lot, but sometimes...i just really hate my family. I honestly don't know what to/how to describe it. To sum it all up, my family is full of fakes and liars. I know the whole thing doesn't really concern me, but in a way it does. Which I won't write how it does on here...but ok my sister and my dad haven't talked, in what I thought was like 6 years. And now that I am no longer talking with my dad I often went to my sister venting about things, asking how to handle it, how she got through it...to find out today that it was one big lie. She still talks to him, she even saw him yesterday before she came to pick me up. I mean good for her for working things out and having dad back in her life, but its why lie about it? why sit there and listen to me cry and tell me how to handle it if you are no longer going through it...I'm not stupid, my education is actually the only thing I ever took pride in and when people do things like this, it makes me feel like I am stupid because they think im not smart enough to catch on...

So that sent me in the deep end. I ended up storming out. slamming doors, screaming and cursing...I was literally laying in the middle of the street, but someone wouldn't stop calling me and I finally picked up and she told me to go home that it was cold haha. I stayed out for like an hour before my fingers were numb. I walked in and went straight to my room. No words. no contact. Then I finally come down and they don't talk about that but they question me..."Are you still doing good? How long have you been doing good?" its like not what the problem was. They are ignoring what happened and how it made me feel. I told them I am, and that I am no longer counting days, because it honestly felt like I screwed up and lost those days when I slipped up a few weeks ago. Im so lost. so confused. This is what  I want. This is where I want to be but then I get here and all I want to do is disappear. I feel like no matter where I am, it's just not going to be where I want to be. The little things bugs the crap out me.

Like today wasn't a good day. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep and when I wasn't sleeping I was sick. I had a boost of energy this morning and played with my dog, and she told me that it was exercise and yelled at me for it. Then an hour later she is asking if  I can help her do yardwork...how do you want me to drink an ensure to play with my dog but not one to work outside?? Anyway, I did what I could, came in and fell asleep, an hour she wakes me up, to ask if  I am sleeping...umm helllo? haha then I fall back asleep and another hour she wakes me up to ask "Are you sleeping again?" I am sorry I am exhausted. I have no energy. I am sick. Plain and simple. I am sick. Very sick.

Comments are being made, a lot, which is annoying but in a way reassuring because to ed it means I am still okay...tomorrow I have a family BBQ to go to, and I am a bit anxious about that. Seeing nobody for how long to see everyone at once. I know last time I did that it was overwhelming where I had to leave and be by myself for 45 mins. Then everyone freaked out. I just don't want to get in that position again. So I told my mom that I might not go, and she tells me that is isolating so I don't think I really have a choice.

Before I slipped, I knew what was happening. I saw it, I felt it, but I did nothing about it. I feel that way again. I know I am on edge lately and I am just sitting here watching doing nothing to prevent it. I don't know if I want to. I know it's a sick thing to say but I miss it. I know it destroyed me, but I miss it. This is all a bit scary and unknown. I know I am obsessing, I feel like I gained a lot of weight just since yesterday and I am planning on how to lose it when I leave here.  I know I want to numb out and just not give a damn anymore. I do have a phone session scheduled for Monday with Denise, then I have plans to go meet up with my sponsor and go to a meeting on tuesday and friday, which hopefully they can tell me why I am doing this, why it's worth to torture myself (that is what it feels like) and bring me back to some type of normal reality....

My sister is looking at an apartment on Wed...which is like why move in with her at this point, but at the same time I hope she likes it. Because that means I am that much closer to moving into an area I want to be in and that much closer getting back my life, or rather what I can get back...Plus I decided to get better for this baby and if  I move and I am there and it doesnt seem so out of reach maybe it will give me another push....

Kick my booty

I always describe my anger as a meter. I hate saying  I have anger because that makes me my dad. So I always say frustrated, or annoyed, anything but angry. But it doesn't allow me to express how I feel, and I get to the point where I feel like  I am literally boiling. Everything and Anything can bother me where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry or scream. I always do this to myself, and that is when  I normally cut...thing is I go home tomorrow and I can't...I still have to figure a way to cover the cuts already on my arm. (it's been almost a week...should be healed up by now...oh well)

Lately  I feel neglected, I feel lonely, I feel stupid, I feel pissed off and I don't know why. I can not have anger I can't... and  I need to find a way to not feel this. I won't be my dad. I refuse to. I have worked my ass off with everything  I have to be the exact opposite of him that  I can't do it now.

It all started last night, I got a call from my sister saying that  I can go home for a week...which is a good thing right? But it pissed me off, that she contacted me two days before hand. I had to cancel therapy and now I have no way to prepare myself. I know they are expecting a lot than what  I can give them right now. I am a bit worried about how many people will be there. how much food they want me to eat, comments that can be made about my weight, about my food, how I eat, etc. I had to text my therapist to cancel our Monday session and she asked if  I was excited. I told her and she said "be you, and you will do fine. You have more victories than defeats. be you" Well who the hell is me? I for sure don't have a clue. How can  I  be me, when I don't know who that me is? I was my eating disorder. everything I did and said was my eating disorder, but I am no longer that, so who am I now?  My therapist told me that she doesn't feel like I am in a place where  I can miss therapy at all, so we agreed to do a phone session on Monday. Which is a good/bad thing. I know I need it, but with family around like my sister and mom I think they will be right next to me when I am on the phone. And  I'm not hiding anything from them but I don't feel like I can talk knowing they are listening. They both tend to take what they hear and run with it. Things they don't understand and twist it around. Everything that seems to come out of my mouth is like "danger zone" to them, not really fair to me, and puts quite a damper on me being able to openly express myself to them (I just figured out to not say anything at all...look where it got me...still unsure how to handle this because I know I can't keep everything to myself anymore I need to let them know my feelings, but they freak...so suggestions?)....Then drama with my sister came up and I go to my mom to vent about it and she tells me that "I don't want to hear it" So I feel like I am stuck in a corner, facing backwards, like being punished but this time I know I did nothing wrong. Nobody comes to me to tell me that it's over and I can come out from the corner either. I'm standing there waiting. . Like  I mean I understand it puts her in the middle but I don't want her to fix it. I just want to be heard, and by her saying that it was like I don't have a voice. I can't be heard and if  I can be, nobody wants to hear it anyway. Now just stupid little things are bugging me. I need someone to talk to, but I don't have anyone (outside of Denise). Nobody understands. Everyone else has problems to handle to that they don't need to be burden by mine.

I feel stupid because I do what I do best...push people away. I opened my mouth when I shouldn't have, and  I knew I shouldn't have. I was biting my tongue to say anything at all but I felt like certain things needed to be said. But in the end, I think I lost a good friend, or rather lost what we had. Because I can't keep my mouth shut, she probably won't come to me about things. That wasn't my intention. I know it's probably my paranoia...I just feel stupid. I feel like  I am a huge burden to her, I rely on her too much. Let's face it my problems are a bit overwhelming. I have shut down. I haven't contacted her for a few days because of this, and she contacted me today and I know I was vague. I put my wall back up, because I am terrified of getting hurt. And if I have my wall up I am protected. Nobody can get in, therefore nobody can hurt me...but it's lonely. And I did enjoy the time she spent with me on the other side of the wall. But  I ruined it. I mean, this person hasn't hurt me. Probably the only one who hasn't, but because of what  I did, what I said, I can easily see her backing away from me and that will kill me (no pun intended haha)

Which brings me to my next topic. I am so...I don't know the word that would describe how I feel that isn't angry...but this isn't fair. It's just not. I want things in m life. Maybe it's selfish but I do. I want to finish school, I want to help other girls with ed's. I want to know my neice. I want to get married, and to have babies of my own...it's not fricken fair. Life is cut short and I am denied of all the opportunities of life. I can't have them. No more for me. This is it...what do I have to show for it...lets see 22 year old who couldn't even finish one year of college because she had to go to treatment and never got well enough to go back. A 22 year old, who still relies on mommy to come to the rescue. A 22 year old who only had one boyfriend who she only dated because he confirmed everything in her head...what a waste of life. What I lived isn't even a life at all. I have nothing to show and  I never will. IT'S NOT FAIR.  I know, I know, this is "all part of the process" but =/ Tonight I watched a movie called, "A little bit of heaven" it was about a woman with cancer who knows that she is dying and  I was sitting here watching it, balling my eyes out, because that's the life I am living right now. I see her doing these things and  I think "did that" or "doing that now" and "shit I have to go through that too..." Then the ending came, and I was hoping for a happily ever after, but there is none. She did die. I wanted her to live. I want to live. I don't want to leave yet. I want more time with the people I love, I want more time with the people who care about me (note they are different people haha). I want to make sure that they will be okay, and how they are handling my illness. I want to do more. See more. creative more. live more.