what's been going on???

So it's been years since I last blogged. 6 years to be exact!

So obviously a lot has happened in 6 years....for one I had a child. His name is Jackson and he is now 5 years old. I have my own apartment, I quit smoking (a year ago!) I work full time, and I am back in school! (I have 2 semesters left before I graduate!!!) So you would think I am doing amazing I have everything under wraps right??? No. I got good at hiding. For the most part during those 6 years I was okay, I mean I still struggled mentally but not enough to cause concern, I no longer looked like I was struggling physically....until a few months ago. (I should also note that I am no longer in therapy because I was doing better and now I am being stubborn because I want the same therapist and she no longer practices so it's actually impossible and I don't want to "start all over" with someone else-yes I still have trust issues)

February 10th 2019 is the day I relapsed-physically. Like I said my mental struggles never went away they got a little less noisy but they were still there. Well they are loud again. This is the day that I remember weighing myself and started watching calories and losing weight.

My struggle has changed though. For example, I have not purged. I have been tempted but that is not a road I want go back on. for some reason I feel like that would "push" me over and really stir things up.

I am however, restricting. a lot. I eat once a day and it is normally 500 calories or less....some of my coworkers have noticed because I stopped eating during my breaks and just ate a few crackers instead and chugging water. like a lot of water (60-80 oz per day) I started watching calories and weighing myself everyday.

For a while I was exercising a lot, but I stopped that when I got injured-I pulled a muscle in my shoulder....so the fact that I stopped exercising when I got injured is a sign that I'm not in a full blown relapse because in the past it wouldn't of stopped me....remember when my leg was in cast and I was still on the treadmill haha.

Since February 10, I have lost 20lbs!  I gained lot weight when I was pregnant and I am finally starting to get rid of it 5 years later....I got up to 164.4lbs today I weigh in at 144.1 …. for my height that is considered overweight still....my goal is get to 136 by august which will put me in the healthy range for my vacation....

Already my goal has changed....that's ED for you. My goal was to get to 136 but then I decided I wanted a buffer  not being on the line of healthy and overweight so the goal changed to 130....after much debate with ed...my goal now (ultimately) is 120...I'm sure that will change again but for now I am focusing on that fact that I am 8lbs away from being considered healthy!

When I first started losing weight my boyfriend (Jon) and some coworkers have noticed and were making comments which fueled my ed....but now that some time has passed I am not losing weight as fast- which is frustrating, so the comments stopped and I think people stopped noticing!