I think I need to sit myself down and really think about things. I feel like nobody else cares about their recovery so why should I care about mine? I think i'm trying to find an excuse to make it okay to be in my ed. Well more than what I already am. I know it still has a grip me on me, Monday I barely ate.. and i'm sick and still exercising, which I think is a normal amount but my sponsor doesn't feel that way plus she thinks its an ed thing considering i'm hiding it...only doing it in my room or when everyone is asleep. I'm holding onto that I haven't purged 8 weeks. But I feel that disappearing soon, I keep thinking to myself, well you already screwed up so...or it's just once. Just once...but i know it won't be i know it will take that one time and ill be hooked again and frankly its kinda scary like i don't want to purge to numb out I want to purge to throw up. My sponsor thinks I am second guessing recovery, because I emailed her the other day asking if she cares the same amount when i'm in recovery verses when i'm in ed (besides getting fat this is one major fear for me-that people will stop caring). And I keep asking myself, "Am I really that much happier?" Kind of like asking myself if anything has really changed since i stopped purging. And I know I shouldn't because I am having chest pains lately and i know purging won't help that, but I don't know if I care anymore. It doesn't seem like much has changed. I mean i'm still up here, still not working, still not in school...and I know going back to being full blown in my ed will keep those things away from me but I honestly don't see them coming back to me anyway. I was also looking through some pictures and honestly I don't want to look the way I did before ed. Also I don't want to look like others. Like okay, I'm sorry but my sponsor has 16 years of recovery now and she looks good and she seems happy but I still don't want her body. I mean she's not fat but I just I don't want it for me. And I was looking at Jenni Schaefer and I am glad she got her recovery but it seems scary to me to think that I will be able to say "I had an ed, not have, had" And it's even scarier that I don't want to be able to say that...
Things that I have noticed that are different
1. When something goes wrong it will bother me but not send me into sucidial mode
2. My weight
3. I can stand up for myself
4. According to my Therapist I talk more/set boundries/ask for what I need/better express myself/ and i'm more clear.
Honestly yes I like that fact that i'm not sucidal all the time now, but I absolutely hate my body. Yes I stood up for myself but the times I am thinking about each one I had to be pushed over the limit to do something. It's not like I am standing up for myself the way I should it was just a one time glitch, or rather two time glitch that presented an opportuinity for me to take action... And those are the only changes I notice after 2 months??? And if I'm dying anyway, each day, each second getting closer, i'm just wondering if it's worth it.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
First time...
I am getting so annoyed with being asked how I am, and people telling me to be strong or stay strong or hold in there, don't give up....normally I know they are words of encouragement but I feel like a fraud. I feel like it is really holding me back on letting my emotions out. That if I were to cry that would make me weak and I would be a huge disappointment to everyone who is telling me to stay strong. And I don't feel like the words are true. I dont think I am strong. Lately I feel like this fragile little girl, who can be crushed if you were to tell me something as simple as your shoes aren't tied. I had a friend encouraging me over the phone to cry and to scream and I understand what she is doing, but I just can't do it. 1. Not about this. and 2. Everytime we talk on the phone I am usually crying and I make her cry, not like a fight or anything but just with stuff that is going on. I feel like everytime we skype or call one another someone is in tears and I don't want to be known as that girl. The cry baby. I want to stop that habit. And I know it's a good thing, crying letting it out and it's proof to me that I really do trust her, but my head it just like "stop already, stop crying to her. You weak little girl" despite her saying otherwise.
I had a flashback last night of being abused when I was growing up, which I guess really isn't a total shocker right now. And I start to tear up when my uncle walked in the room. I refused to look at him and found a way to wipe my eyes so he wouldn't notice. I made that mistake once. I was crying to him about again my dad (number one thing I cry about haha) and I don't like people seeing that. Seeing me that vulnerable. And so I refused to look at him, had my head down. He kept telling me to look at him and I was sobbing that I couldnt talk and just shook my head. Well he walked over to me and literally grabbed my head to see the tears rolling down my face. I was embarrassed and scared, as it sent me into being hit again.
I don't know I mean I know im just overly sensitive right now, depsite already being "hypersensitive" I know that I am focusing on my body instead of everything else (body image is kicking my ass the last few days) and I feel like I can explode at a drop of a hat. I don't mean it I really don't. I guess i'm just confused. I dont know what I want. I know I don't want to be left alone but I already feel like I am alone. And I don't want to be covered with all these questions and I know it's because they care and blah blah blah but its just like obviously things aren't okay, obviously im putting on a front and acting like I am okay with it, Im used to it. But ill be honest here...im not.
I still see him hitting me, I still see my mom dragging my sister across the room by her hair and kicking her while she was down. I still see the anger and redness in both of my parent's faces. I still see my stepbrother laughing when my mom turned around and punched him four times in the car to hide how scared he was. I still hear the pounding of my sister's body against the wall. I see hear the snapping of the belt. I still feel the warmth of my sister's hug to comfort me when they calm down and leave the room. I still feel the pain. The achyness of your entire body, so sore to hurts to blink. I feel scared to move and to say anything in case you anger them and set them off for another beating. (well for me, my dad. my mom never hit me (though I did turn around one time to see my mom's fist in the air and she put it down as soon as I turned around)) and my dad hit both of us... I still keep all the secrets, all the lies. the excuses. Oh that bruise is from when I fell, you know how clumsy I am and I am anemic so I bruise easy. I still see the look on my teacher's face when I was out of school for a week to return to her questions "did you get hit this week?" And me not being able to honestly answer so I just shook my head and cried. I remember the fear that rose inside when she said we need to go to counslor and tell them, I can't keep hiding this for you and Ill go with you. The thought of "what the hell did you just get yourself into" I still see her face of disappointment when i told her that I could do it on my own. That I didn't want her to come with me, So I could protect them and keep our secrets. I remember yelling at her when she said, "Okay, I am confused but okay I still need to call down though, to tell them I am sending you, to make sure you go" I remember having to stand in the nurses room at school pulling my shirt up in front of my teacher, my nurse, and my counslor to reveal some fresh bruises. I remember all questions from the police. I remember all the lies I made to answer them. I remember my teacher's face when I had to tell her that I lied, I made the whole thing up, that nobody ever hit me. The lies I made to cover up the bruises. I remember her feelings when I told her that but still wanting to sit with me and talk. I remember feeling like she was accepting my lies but deep down knew the truth and just wanted me to talk about it. I remember being called down by two couslors ask questions(one was for school the other they brought in for "serious cases"), and I smiled because I was scared, and I remember them asking why I was smiling if I thought it was good or if it was because I was scared. I remember them calling my house. I remember having to live with my grandparents for a long time for protection. I remember being in a hospital with a broken arm and the doctors writing down on paper, "possible child abuse occuring though patient is denying it". I remember going to treatment and telling my therapist what happens at home, for her to do a family session with my dad for him to deny it. I remember storming out of the room and hiding in the phone booth in the basement when I was suppose to be in group, crying on the phone with my mom asking did it happen, or is my head playing games with me. I remember her answer to hear that what I thought was true, that life that I thought I lived was in fact the life that I lived. Everything seems so real. like it's happening all over again. it's not in my past its happening in my head every day. I want to be free of it. But I can't be. I want to be strong, but how can I?
This is the first time I am writing about this, let alone it being public but I know I need to do something about it. I have decisions that need to be made. I have healing to do, so please don't judge me for this. Don't say im writing it for attention if you really feel that way, please think it, don't leave me a comment on it. It would break me. well, Im already broken but this would shatter me.
I had a flashback last night of being abused when I was growing up, which I guess really isn't a total shocker right now. And I start to tear up when my uncle walked in the room. I refused to look at him and found a way to wipe my eyes so he wouldn't notice. I made that mistake once. I was crying to him about again my dad (number one thing I cry about haha) and I don't like people seeing that. Seeing me that vulnerable. And so I refused to look at him, had my head down. He kept telling me to look at him and I was sobbing that I couldnt talk and just shook my head. Well he walked over to me and literally grabbed my head to see the tears rolling down my face. I was embarrassed and scared, as it sent me into being hit again.
I don't know I mean I know im just overly sensitive right now, depsite already being "hypersensitive" I know that I am focusing on my body instead of everything else (body image is kicking my ass the last few days) and I feel like I can explode at a drop of a hat. I don't mean it I really don't. I guess i'm just confused. I dont know what I want. I know I don't want to be left alone but I already feel like I am alone. And I don't want to be covered with all these questions and I know it's because they care and blah blah blah but its just like obviously things aren't okay, obviously im putting on a front and acting like I am okay with it, Im used to it. But ill be honest here...im not.
I still see him hitting me, I still see my mom dragging my sister across the room by her hair and kicking her while she was down. I still see the anger and redness in both of my parent's faces. I still see my stepbrother laughing when my mom turned around and punched him four times in the car to hide how scared he was. I still hear the pounding of my sister's body against the wall. I see hear the snapping of the belt. I still feel the warmth of my sister's hug to comfort me when they calm down and leave the room. I still feel the pain. The achyness of your entire body, so sore to hurts to blink. I feel scared to move and to say anything in case you anger them and set them off for another beating. (well for me, my dad. my mom never hit me (though I did turn around one time to see my mom's fist in the air and she put it down as soon as I turned around)) and my dad hit both of us... I still keep all the secrets, all the lies. the excuses. Oh that bruise is from when I fell, you know how clumsy I am and I am anemic so I bruise easy. I still see the look on my teacher's face when I was out of school for a week to return to her questions "did you get hit this week?" And me not being able to honestly answer so I just shook my head and cried. I remember the fear that rose inside when she said we need to go to counslor and tell them, I can't keep hiding this for you and Ill go with you. The thought of "what the hell did you just get yourself into" I still see her face of disappointment when i told her that I could do it on my own. That I didn't want her to come with me, So I could protect them and keep our secrets. I remember yelling at her when she said, "Okay, I am confused but okay I still need to call down though, to tell them I am sending you, to make sure you go" I remember having to stand in the nurses room at school pulling my shirt up in front of my teacher, my nurse, and my counslor to reveal some fresh bruises. I remember all questions from the police. I remember all the lies I made to answer them. I remember my teacher's face when I had to tell her that I lied, I made the whole thing up, that nobody ever hit me. The lies I made to cover up the bruises. I remember her feelings when I told her that but still wanting to sit with me and talk. I remember feeling like she was accepting my lies but deep down knew the truth and just wanted me to talk about it. I remember being called down by two couslors ask questions(one was for school the other they brought in for "serious cases"), and I smiled because I was scared, and I remember them asking why I was smiling if I thought it was good or if it was because I was scared. I remember them calling my house. I remember having to live with my grandparents for a long time for protection. I remember being in a hospital with a broken arm and the doctors writing down on paper, "possible child abuse occuring though patient is denying it". I remember going to treatment and telling my therapist what happens at home, for her to do a family session with my dad for him to deny it. I remember storming out of the room and hiding in the phone booth in the basement when I was suppose to be in group, crying on the phone with my mom asking did it happen, or is my head playing games with me. I remember her answer to hear that what I thought was true, that life that I thought I lived was in fact the life that I lived. Everything seems so real. like it's happening all over again. it's not in my past its happening in my head every day. I want to be free of it. But I can't be. I want to be strong, but how can I?
This is the first time I am writing about this, let alone it being public but I know I need to do something about it. I have decisions that need to be made. I have healing to do, so please don't judge me for this. Don't say im writing it for attention if you really feel that way, please think it, don't leave me a comment on it. It would break me. well, Im already broken but this would shatter me.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Frustration
Today started off rough.
I had therapy today, which helped with my body image issues from last night. It was funny, I had some chest pains during sessions and I grabbed my chest, trying to be discrete about it. Well apparently I didn't succeed. Denise got concerned and said, "Is your chest hurting, are you okay?" I said I was fine. nothing more. just fine...she again asked "is your chest hurting? I again only said fine and said something random to change subjects. hehe. That goes to show you name I will not mention, that I don't in fact "love attention" She knows that I feel like I am doing nothing with my life, that everyone is graduating college, getting married, and having babies, and im here doing nothing. So she says she thinks Im ready to go back to school...not actually school but to take one, just one (which I put up a fight for 5-6) classes online. So hopefully that gets approved by everyone else, it will sure help with my self worth. She also knows that I am a big fan of horses, and I miss my horses, which she brought up this topic and told me that she is on a board for s stable that has sick horses helping sick people and will keep me updated to see if I can do that starting in May. So that is exciting.
Anyway, things went downhill when I got back in the car. My aunt decided to talk again about diets and losing weights. Like in detail what foods you can and can't eat. and what you do for the 1st week on South Beach and how much you could lose.. I have told her several times that I can't talk about this, she just doesn't listen. (reason why I don't set boundries because when they aren't respected I feel worse) And telling me this every week, makes me think, or makes my ed think that she tells me this because she wants me to lose weight. That im not anorexic that I am a binge eater. So stupidly, I go to my sister to vent and she says "well I don't mean to be harsh, but you can't stop people from saying what they want to and it's a normal conversation. People aren't going to walk on egg shells for a 22 year old." I don't want them to walk on egg shells I just want them to respect my boundries. I told her that "I can't help what triggers me, and I feel like you are saying something is wrong with me. I can't help it. I just want to be respected. It's like going to an alcoholic about drinking, and you can't tell a coworker not to talk about diets" She said, "Well I have alcoholic friends and they never tell me to not talk about drinking"...Jesus I went to you to vent not to get a lecture. I would think that it's common sense to not talk about diets to an anorexic. I mean yes I understand its a normal conversation, but no matter who, coworker or not if I say I can't talk about something, they usually change subjects. So I don't know why I am being bashed about protecting myself. And my aunt, I just want to shake this is every single week. It's frustrating. And my sister then goes into, "Well when you move here, theres boys. they will say things, not to hurt you, but because thats how kids are. (which they will not know about my ed...not allowed to talk about it when I move) again I understand kids are kids and say stuff but an adult, it's different...So to told her how I felt, how she made me feel which is a first for me and now she isn't responding...oh well.
Today was also the day where my whole family left for jamaica...Literally my whole family besides me and my sister. So that, plus not knowing anything about my sister's pregnancy and when she is in the hospital or even the death in the family, not finding out that until days later because nobody wants to stress me out. They all worried that it would send me in a relapse.(which not telling me makes me want to cut) I am feeling pretty left out. Like I am not a part of the family, so I emailed my mom saying this and hopefully will allow me to come home for a week when she returns home. It might help, though I will have to prepare for the comments and weigh ins by my mother.
I had therapy today, which helped with my body image issues from last night. It was funny, I had some chest pains during sessions and I grabbed my chest, trying to be discrete about it. Well apparently I didn't succeed. Denise got concerned and said, "Is your chest hurting, are you okay?" I said I was fine. nothing more. just fine...she again asked "is your chest hurting? I again only said fine and said something random to change subjects. hehe. That goes to show you name I will not mention, that I don't in fact "love attention" She knows that I feel like I am doing nothing with my life, that everyone is graduating college, getting married, and having babies, and im here doing nothing. So she says she thinks Im ready to go back to school...not actually school but to take one, just one (which I put up a fight for 5-6) classes online. So hopefully that gets approved by everyone else, it will sure help with my self worth. She also knows that I am a big fan of horses, and I miss my horses, which she brought up this topic and told me that she is on a board for s stable that has sick horses helping sick people and will keep me updated to see if I can do that starting in May. So that is exciting.
Anyway, things went downhill when I got back in the car. My aunt decided to talk again about diets and losing weights. Like in detail what foods you can and can't eat. and what you do for the 1st week on South Beach and how much you could lose.. I have told her several times that I can't talk about this, she just doesn't listen. (reason why I don't set boundries because when they aren't respected I feel worse) And telling me this every week, makes me think, or makes my ed think that she tells me this because she wants me to lose weight. That im not anorexic that I am a binge eater. So stupidly, I go to my sister to vent and she says "well I don't mean to be harsh, but you can't stop people from saying what they want to and it's a normal conversation. People aren't going to walk on egg shells for a 22 year old." I don't want them to walk on egg shells I just want them to respect my boundries. I told her that "I can't help what triggers me, and I feel like you are saying something is wrong with me. I can't help it. I just want to be respected. It's like going to an alcoholic about drinking, and you can't tell a coworker not to talk about diets" She said, "Well I have alcoholic friends and they never tell me to not talk about drinking"...Jesus I went to you to vent not to get a lecture. I would think that it's common sense to not talk about diets to an anorexic. I mean yes I understand its a normal conversation, but no matter who, coworker or not if I say I can't talk about something, they usually change subjects. So I don't know why I am being bashed about protecting myself. And my aunt, I just want to shake this is every single week. It's frustrating. And my sister then goes into, "Well when you move here, theres boys. they will say things, not to hurt you, but because thats how kids are. (which they will not know about my ed...not allowed to talk about it when I move) again I understand kids are kids and say stuff but an adult, it's different...So to told her how I felt, how she made me feel which is a first for me and now she isn't responding...oh well.
Today was also the day where my whole family left for jamaica...Literally my whole family besides me and my sister. So that, plus not knowing anything about my sister's pregnancy and when she is in the hospital or even the death in the family, not finding out that until days later because nobody wants to stress me out. They all worried that it would send me in a relapse.(which not telling me makes me want to cut) I am feeling pretty left out. Like I am not a part of the family, so I emailed my mom saying this and hopefully will allow me to come home for a week when she returns home. It might help, though I will have to prepare for the comments and weigh ins by my mother.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Where'd Stefanie go??
Well...this week has been...never a dull moment type of week. If you know me you already know what is going on so I am not going to sit here and think about it and blog about it. Honestly I don't want to think about it. I don't want to face it, to come to a realization that this after all is my life. It always seems to me that the big problems in my life I can handle, but the small stupid shit I can't. I don't know why, maybe I just like focusing on that more because I know deep down, it means nothing.
Anyway, I was asked a question if I I had the choice would between the two, would I choose to have an eating disorder or cancer...and I hate saying this. I hate it because both are killers but in the end, I would choose cancer. At least then I wouldn't have these constant negitive, self-hatred thoughts. I know it's a wrong thing to say, but I think it's a wrong question to ask.
I know I wrote before about Laureate and Holy Redmeder cancer center sending me bills, well. I put it off because again, I didn't want to face it, but today I finally buckled down and called my health advocate. Seriously, makes everything so much easier. All I had to do was give them the information fill out some paper work and send it back to them, and they fight it for me. Honestly I told my mom that I can't handle this without getting stressed and frustrated. Everyone is trying to make everything stress free for me right now. And this def helps with that. Now I just have to wait for the results and hope that it turns in my favor and I don't have to pay...which I shouldn't have to because insurance covered both...so we will hope for the best and see.
Through this tough week, I absolutely came to realize my true friends. Who has my back through thick and thin. And I just want to give a shout out to Trina, who went above and beyond. Sending me a little pick me up gift, constantly checking in with me, hearing me whine about the stupid and not so stupid things,being truthful to me always, opening up to me, and never leaving my side. Seriously girl, you have held me up and kept me together this past week. I can 100% say, without a doubt in my mind, that I have no idea what I would do without you.
Anyway, I was asked a question if I I had the choice would between the two, would I choose to have an eating disorder or cancer...and I hate saying this. I hate it because both are killers but in the end, I would choose cancer. At least then I wouldn't have these constant negitive, self-hatred thoughts. I know it's a wrong thing to say, but I think it's a wrong question to ask.
I know I wrote before about Laureate and Holy Redmeder cancer center sending me bills, well. I put it off because again, I didn't want to face it, but today I finally buckled down and called my health advocate. Seriously, makes everything so much easier. All I had to do was give them the information fill out some paper work and send it back to them, and they fight it for me. Honestly I told my mom that I can't handle this without getting stressed and frustrated. Everyone is trying to make everything stress free for me right now. And this def helps with that. Now I just have to wait for the results and hope that it turns in my favor and I don't have to pay...which I shouldn't have to because insurance covered both...so we will hope for the best and see.
Through this tough week, I absolutely came to realize my true friends. Who has my back through thick and thin. And I just want to give a shout out to Trina, who went above and beyond. Sending me a little pick me up gift, constantly checking in with me, hearing me whine about the stupid and not so stupid things,being truthful to me always, opening up to me, and never leaving my side. Seriously girl, you have held me up and kept me together this past week. I can 100% say, without a doubt in my mind, that I have no idea what I would do without you.
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