First time...

I am getting so annoyed with being asked how I am, and people telling me to be strong or stay strong or hold in there, don't give up....normally I know they are words of encouragement but I feel like a fraud. I feel like it is really holding me back on letting my emotions out. That if I were to cry that would make me weak and I would be a huge disappointment to everyone who is telling me to stay strong. And I don't feel like the words are true. I dont think I am strong. Lately I feel like this fragile little girl, who can be crushed if you were to tell me something as simple as your shoes aren't tied. I had a friend encouraging me over the phone to cry and to scream and I understand what she is doing, but I just can't do it. 1. Not about this. and 2. Everytime we talk on the phone I am usually crying and I make her cry, not like a fight or anything but just with stuff that is going on. I feel like everytime we skype or call one another someone is in tears and I don't want to be known as that girl. The cry baby. I want to stop that habit. And I know it's a good thing, crying letting it out and it's proof to me that  I really do trust her, but my head it just like "stop already, stop crying to her. You weak little girl" despite her saying otherwise.

I had a flashback last night of being abused when I was growing up, which I guess really isn't a total shocker right now. And I start to tear up when my uncle walked in the room. I refused to look at him and found a way to wipe my eyes so he wouldn't notice. I made that mistake once. I was crying to him about again my dad (number one thing I cry about haha) and I don't like people seeing that. Seeing me that vulnerable. And so I refused to look at him, had my head down. He kept telling me to look at him and I was sobbing that I couldnt talk and just shook my head. Well he walked over to me and literally grabbed my head to see the tears rolling down my face. I was embarrassed and scared, as it sent me into being hit again.

I don't know I mean I know im just overly sensitive right now, depsite already being "hypersensitive" I know that I am focusing on my body instead of everything else (body image is kicking my ass the last few days) and I feel like I can explode at a drop of a hat. I don't mean it I really don't. I guess i'm just confused. I dont know what I want. I know I don't want to be left alone but I already feel like I am alone. And I don't want to be covered with all these questions and I know it's because they care and blah blah blah but its just like obviously things aren't okay, obviously im putting on a front and acting like I am okay with it, Im used to it. But ill be honest here...im not.

I still see him hitting me, I still see my mom dragging my sister across the room by her hair and kicking her while she was down. I still see the anger and redness in both of my parent's faces. I still see my stepbrother laughing when my mom turned around and punched him four times in the car to hide how scared he was.  I still  hear the pounding of my sister's body against the wall. I see hear the snapping of the belt. I still feel the warmth of my sister's hug to comfort me when they calm down and leave the room. I still feel the pain. The achyness of your entire body, so sore to hurts to blink. I feel scared to move and to say anything in case you anger them and set them off for another beating. (well for me, my dad. my mom never hit me (though I did turn around one time to see my mom's fist in the air and she put it down as soon as I turned around))  and my dad hit both of us... I still keep all the secrets, all the lies. the excuses. Oh that bruise is from when I fell, you know how clumsy I am and I am anemic so I bruise easy. I still see the look on my teacher's face when I was out of school for a week to return to her questions "did you get hit this week?" And me not being able to honestly answer so I just shook my head and cried. I remember the fear that rose inside when she said we need to go to counslor and tell them, I can't keep hiding this for you and Ill go with you. The thought of "what the hell did you just get yourself into" I still see her face of disappointment when i told her that I could do it on my own. That  I didn't want her to come with me, So I could protect them and keep our secrets. I remember yelling at her when she said, "Okay, I am confused but okay I still need to call down though, to tell them I am sending you, to make sure you go" I remember having to stand in the nurses room at school pulling my shirt up in front of my teacher, my nurse, and my counslor to reveal some fresh bruises. I remember all questions from the police. I remember all the lies I made to answer them. I remember my teacher's face when I had to tell her that I lied, I made the whole thing up, that nobody ever hit me. The lies I made to cover up the bruises. I remember her feelings when I told her that but still wanting to sit with me and talk. I remember feeling like she was accepting my lies but deep down knew the truth and just wanted me to talk about it. I remember being called down by two couslors ask questions(one was for school the other they brought in for "serious cases"), and I smiled because  I was scared, and I remember them asking why I was smiling if I thought it was good or if it was because I was scared. I remember them calling my house. I remember having to live with my grandparents for a long time for protection.  I remember being in a hospital with a broken arm and the doctors writing down on paper, "possible child abuse occuring though patient is denying it". I remember going to treatment and telling my therapist what happens at home, for her to do a family session with my dad for him to deny it. I remember storming out of the room and hiding in the phone booth in the basement when I was suppose to be in group, crying on the phone with my mom asking did it happen, or is my head playing games with me. I remember her answer to hear that what I thought was  true, that life that I thought I lived was in fact the life that I  lived. Everything seems so real. like it's happening all over again. it's not in my past its happening in my head every day. I want to be free of it. But I can't be. I want to be strong, but how can I?

This is the first time I am writing about this, let alone it being public but  I know I need to do something about it. I have decisions that need to be made. I have healing to do, so please don't judge me for this. Don't say im writing it for attention if you really feel that way, please think it, don't leave me a comment on it. It would break me. well, Im already broken but this would shatter me.