Frustration

Today started off rough.

I had therapy today, which helped with my body image issues from last night. It was funny, I had some chest pains during sessions and I grabbed my chest, trying to be discrete about it. Well apparently I didn't succeed. Denise got concerned and said, "Is your chest hurting, are you okay?" I said I was fine. nothing more. just fine...she again asked "is your chest hurting? I again only said fine and said something random to change subjects. hehe. That goes to show you name I will not mention, that I don't in fact "love attention" She knows that I feel like I am doing nothing with my life, that everyone is graduating college, getting married, and having babies, and im here doing nothing. So she says she thinks Im ready to go back to school...not actually school but to take one, just one (which I put up a fight for 5-6) classes online. So hopefully that gets approved by everyone else, it will sure help with my self worth. She also knows that I am a big fan of horses, and I miss my horses, which she brought up this topic and told me that she is on a board for s stable that has sick horses helping sick people and will keep me updated to see if I can do that starting in May. So that is exciting.

Anyway, things went downhill when I got back in the car. My aunt decided to talk again about diets and losing weights. Like in detail what foods you can and can't eat. and what you do for the 1st week on South Beach and how much you could lose.. I have told her several times that I can't talk about this, she just doesn't listen. (reason why I don't set  boundries because when they aren't respected I feel worse) And telling me this every week, makes me think, or makes my ed think that she tells me this because she wants me to lose weight. That im not anorexic that I am a binge eater. So stupidly, I go to my sister to vent and she says "well I don't mean to be harsh, but you can't stop people from saying what they want to and it's a normal conversation. People aren't going to walk on egg shells for a 22 year old." I don't want them to walk on egg shells I just want them to respect my boundries. I told her that "I can't help what triggers me, and I feel like you are saying something is wrong with me. I can't help it. I just want to be respected. It's like going to an alcoholic about drinking, and you can't tell a coworker not to talk about diets" She said, "Well I have alcoholic friends and they never tell me to not talk about drinking"...Jesus I went to you to vent not to get a lecture.  I would think that it's common sense to not talk about diets to an anorexic. I mean yes I understand its a normal conversation, but no matter who, coworker or not if I say I can't talk about something, they usually change subjects. So I don't know why I am being bashed about protecting myself. And my aunt, I just want to shake this is every single week. It's frustrating. And my sister then goes into, "Well when you move here, theres boys. they will say things, not to hurt you, but because thats how kids are. (which they will not know about my ed...not allowed to talk about it when I move) again  I understand kids are kids and say stuff but an adult, it's different...So to told her how I felt, how she made me feel which is a first for me and now she isn't responding...oh well.

Today was also the day where my whole family left for jamaica...Literally my whole family besides me and my sister. So that, plus not knowing anything about my sister's pregnancy and when she is in the hospital or even the death in the family, not finding out that until days later because nobody wants to stress me out. They all worried that it would send me in a relapse.(which not telling me makes me want to cut) I am feeling pretty left out. Like I am not a part of the family, so I emailed my mom saying this and hopefully will allow me to come home for a week when she returns home. It might help, though I will have to prepare for the comments and weigh ins by my mother.