Someone answer this question, please!

If you read this, you all know that my grandmom really isn't doing well.

Today was the worse by far. We walked in and she was crying, saying, "Why wont you take me home, why cant i come home?" We told her we want her home but she needs to get stronger first. She was very upset. Then it was dinner time...she didnt want to eat. I said you have to eat to get strong and come home. She replied, and I quote, "You are killing me, and all i have to do is die" I managed to get food in her mouth but she was spitting it out and when she left in there she fell asleep and I had to wake her up to tell her to chew and swallow. My aunt wanted me to feed her more but I was like no, shes out of it and if she chokes while im feeding her knowing how she is I woulnt be able to handle it.

Then she was seeing things, she saw a woman in front of her who wasnt there. She was talking to people who have died (which is another sign of death) I was really scared today. She is also very restless. She keeps pulling out her catherdor and tearing up her bedsheets and taking off her clothes...which apparently is another sign of death...

So now the question....Should I go home or should I stay here with my grandmom?

I want to go home because I dont want to see it happen, and I dont want to remember my grandmom this way.

I want to stay because I want to be there for her, I dont want to abandon her,  I want to be able to say goodbye.

The delimna is which is the best choice? If I leave is it abandoning her and being cruel hearted or is it taking care of myself. You have no idea how hard it is to see someone like this everyday and arent able to do anything for them...

I do want opinions so what do you all think, should I stay or should I go?

Life

Life. Has thrown me a lot of ups and downs lately. I don't know how much longer I can manage.

My grandmom is in the hospital, and my sister asked me to send her a video of her since she is 3 hours away....so I did, then everyone wanted to see it. So I posted it. Well that turned around and stabbed me in the back. My sister ended up sending the video to my dad and my dad reported it. He could have called us but no he had to report it. So now there is a legal suit going on. Just what everyone needed...and its like ok where have you been to even care. Last time I checked you seen her once since she was in the hospital. I confronted my sister on it, because she is the only one in the family who talks to them and of course she is denying it. She never seen a video, she tells my mom...she tells me she doesnt remember it and she got a new phone so she cant see it again...flat out lying to everyone. All i know is if she wants info on her she has to either come up and see her or ask dad...who tells her that he goes everyday...she isn't going to get anything from me to turn around and bite me in the ass. Maybe its harsh, but im so tired of being everyone's goddamn victim...i have enough going on and  I cant deal with it anymore.  My mom even said ever since she started talking to dad again is when she started lying, being sneaky, pushing people away and always on edge...hate to say it but im honestly at a point where I want nothing to do with her.

Anyway. I am going home on July 1st =) Denise will do skype sessions with me until I get a new therapist, and until i know she is a keeper. Even offered to help me look for one. I already know I am going to have a hard time finding someone new, nobody is going to compare to denise....my aunt said I have to keep an open mind. Denise I feel like she cares more about me than the money though. She takes time out of her life to do things for me. Or to understand me more. I have had many out patient therapists and never had a good experience until Denise...who oddly enough doesnt specialize in eds and she is the one who has helped me the most...she focuses on the problem and not the behaviors so im able to actually work through things.

Depression

I have been beyond depressed lately. I have cut myself off from the world. The only people I talk to are the ones who have contacted me. Which doesn't really help at all to my depression, making me feel very alone. Only one person has contacted me. Somedays I get two...I have that realtionship with my dad that I only hear from him if I reach out to him, its spreading with my sister and most days with my mom (unless she knows something will she contact me) I am not doing it with my friends. I wont. Relationships work both ways and I am not going to be the only one reaching out all the time. Its not fair. So that plays a lot into my depression its like woah see if you (ME) dont talk to anyone, nobody thinks to talk to you. Im not even thought of. I am very alone.

Today I was fine until I  got home from visiting my grandmom it was non stop crying. I disappeared in my room then I thought I was fine and nope sat on the sofa crying. Then again thought I was okay...nope go to the bathroom crying. I thought of Denise, she told me to journal when stuff happens so I sat down and wrote. But days like this, boy do I hate denise for taking my meds away from me. Which I texted her that, and she called a few seconds later, asking what was wrong and if she could talk to my aunt. I said no so she made me promise her that I would not hang up the phone until she thought I was okay.

I actually needed to call the Tapp line tonight. (sucidial line) for support which I was hesitant about because I  dont want them coming to my house and making a big thing of it.

I am still beyond depressed. lots of thoughts going on. But I have tried twice already so apparently im no good at it and I really rather not be pumped out again. Thats me the coward I am : (