Depression

I have been beyond depressed lately. I have cut myself off from the world. The only people I talk to are the ones who have contacted me. Which doesn't really help at all to my depression, making me feel very alone. Only one person has contacted me. Somedays I get two...I have that realtionship with my dad that I only hear from him if I reach out to him, its spreading with my sister and most days with my mom (unless she knows something will she contact me) I am not doing it with my friends. I wont. Relationships work both ways and I am not going to be the only one reaching out all the time. Its not fair. So that plays a lot into my depression its like woah see if you (ME) dont talk to anyone, nobody thinks to talk to you. Im not even thought of. I am very alone.

Today I was fine until I  got home from visiting my grandmom it was non stop crying. I disappeared in my room then I thought I was fine and nope sat on the sofa crying. Then again thought I was okay...nope go to the bathroom crying. I thought of Denise, she told me to journal when stuff happens so I sat down and wrote. But days like this, boy do I hate denise for taking my meds away from me. Which I texted her that, and she called a few seconds later, asking what was wrong and if she could talk to my aunt. I said no so she made me promise her that I would not hang up the phone until she thought I was okay.

I actually needed to call the Tapp line tonight. (sucidial line) for support which I was hesitant about because I  dont want them coming to my house and making a big thing of it.

I am still beyond depressed. lots of thoughts going on. But I have tried twice already so apparently im no good at it and I really rather not be pumped out again. Thats me the coward I am : (