sooooo…..eating/constant thoughts are very consuming at this point. I wanted to get out of vacation to avoid food/people/etc.
I have a lot of family members who are voicing concern, constantly asking me if Im starving myself again.....Ive become an automatic liar.
My boss/coworkers keep making comments, the other day, my boss said I look really skinny, I said thank you and she said it was a compliment I said it was for me and she replied that it wasn't suppose to be. We actually just hung up and she offered to take me to therapy each week so I don't have to admit I relapsed to Jon. Its nice but I cant ask her to do that.
It is def getting worse. I am now taking pictures of my body each day. We have a work event coming up and I am trying to get out of it because I don't want to be surrounded by food with my coworkers
I feel a mixed of emotions Part of me is happy, and I want to show everyone my bones that are now peeking thru, the other part of me is depressed because here I am at 29 years old having issues with eating/food. Makes me feel like a failure and I feel like I cant be honest with others about it which in the end just makes me feel lonely.
I feel like I am at a fork in the road....
Thursday, August 15, 2019
Saturday, July 27, 2019
Feel Crazy
I have been crying since yesterday, all because my boyfriend went out and hung out with his friends (mainly to smoke) I wasn't mad that he went out I was mad that he could make time to spend with them but he cant make time to spend with me....so I said something and suggested that we put time aside once a month for each other and I felt like he didn't want to so I freaked out saying if he doesn't want to spend time with me then why are we together? I am not asking for every spare minute I am asking for once a month....at one point I screamed and threw a trashcan (not at him) so now I feel crazy....
update on my eating....my BOSS is now on my case, like she pulled me aside and says she is worried about me, and that I need to add her as a friend on social media so she can support me....now everytime I see her she asks me how Im doing and what I ate....its nice to know she cares but it is sort of annoying
weight-138.2lbs
update on my eating....my BOSS is now on my case, like she pulled me aside and says she is worried about me, and that I need to add her as a friend on social media so she can support me....now everytime I see her she asks me how Im doing and what I ate....its nice to know she cares but it is sort of annoying
weight-138.2lbs
Monday, June 10, 2019
Monday June 10th
Weigh in :143.3lbs
Goal: 136 (7lbs away!!!)
I cannot believe that I weighed 21lbs more just a few months ago...I lost 21lbs! I am 7lbs away from being back in the "healthy range" it blows my mind! My goal is to lose one pound per week....and so far I have been averaging about 1 to 2 pounds a week which means I SHOULD make my goal by the time I want (by August 2nd). Nothing is more motivating than seeing the number on the scale go down....
I am pretty sure my iron levels are beginning to suffer. I have in the past had low iron levels to the point where I needed infusions which was weird because I felt fine but now I am noticing a lot more bruising and everything goes white for a seconds after I stand or bend down and back up. I do eat meat but not very often....not because of my ED just because that's the lifestyle my family has. Well, maybe it is just me lol. My boyfriend loves meat but only eats it maybe 1-2 per week....I eat it maybe once a month and when I do eat it, it normally is chicken (not a huge fan of red meat).
In other news, my anxiety is also getting worse. I used to be prescribed medication for it but I stopped taking it when I lost insurance and now that I have insurance again I should probably make an appointment and get back on it because it is beginning to get unbearable. I fear like I am scared of everything anymore. For example, we went to the beach out which is on the 4th level and Noticed I did not like the height (never used to bother me) I avoid elevators now ALWAYS take the stairs. Was terrified to go on any rides-again never used to be a problem. I am scared of eating alone in fear that I will choke. I am constantly scared of my child's well-being but that I think is a normal mother fear. We have been having a lot of tornado warnings recently and that is causing me anxiety to the point where if I see it it suppose to thunderstorm I panic, like I actually called out of work because it was suppose to thunderstorm and I wanted to be home in case a tornado did hit us. It is getting bad.
I also worry about my son's eating. He was always a good eater until he turned 2 then it was like he didn't want to be bothered. He says he is hungry but only eats one or two bites before saying he is done. He has had tests done and everything is normal. His iron levels are a little low but nothing is preventing his appetite which makes me think that even when he was 2 he sense how weird I was around food and now that I would say I am in a relapse doesn't help matters. Everyone tells me it is not my fault and that its a normal kid picky eater phrase but I guess that it ED right there-self blame...
Yes that is the first time I ever said/wrote that I consider myself in a relapse now.
well that's all for now...until next time
Goal: 136 (7lbs away!!!)
I cannot believe that I weighed 21lbs more just a few months ago...I lost 21lbs! I am 7lbs away from being back in the "healthy range" it blows my mind! My goal is to lose one pound per week....and so far I have been averaging about 1 to 2 pounds a week which means I SHOULD make my goal by the time I want (by August 2nd). Nothing is more motivating than seeing the number on the scale go down....
I am pretty sure my iron levels are beginning to suffer. I have in the past had low iron levels to the point where I needed infusions which was weird because I felt fine but now I am noticing a lot more bruising and everything goes white for a seconds after I stand or bend down and back up. I do eat meat but not very often....not because of my ED just because that's the lifestyle my family has. Well, maybe it is just me lol. My boyfriend loves meat but only eats it maybe 1-2 per week....I eat it maybe once a month and when I do eat it, it normally is chicken (not a huge fan of red meat).
In other news, my anxiety is also getting worse. I used to be prescribed medication for it but I stopped taking it when I lost insurance and now that I have insurance again I should probably make an appointment and get back on it because it is beginning to get unbearable. I fear like I am scared of everything anymore. For example, we went to the beach out which is on the 4th level and Noticed I did not like the height (never used to bother me) I avoid elevators now ALWAYS take the stairs. Was terrified to go on any rides-again never used to be a problem. I am scared of eating alone in fear that I will choke. I am constantly scared of my child's well-being but that I think is a normal mother fear. We have been having a lot of tornado warnings recently and that is causing me anxiety to the point where if I see it it suppose to thunderstorm I panic, like I actually called out of work because it was suppose to thunderstorm and I wanted to be home in case a tornado did hit us. It is getting bad.
I also worry about my son's eating. He was always a good eater until he turned 2 then it was like he didn't want to be bothered. He says he is hungry but only eats one or two bites before saying he is done. He has had tests done and everything is normal. His iron levels are a little low but nothing is preventing his appetite which makes me think that even when he was 2 he sense how weird I was around food and now that I would say I am in a relapse doesn't help matters. Everyone tells me it is not my fault and that its a normal kid picky eater phrase but I guess that it ED right there-self blame...
Yes that is the first time I ever said/wrote that I consider myself in a relapse now.
well that's all for now...until next time
Friday, June 7, 2019
Broken Heart Syndrome
I realized that I was in a relapse when my mom was taken to the hospital and I was consumed with; "How can I avoid food without causing my family concern???"Obviously this should not be my first thought....I managed to tell them that my IBS was acting up and my stomach couldn't bare any solid food besides crackers....I have had IBS my whole life and it did flare up so it wasn't a complete lie....
My mom went to the hospital in the middle of the night because she thought she was having a heart attack...thankfully she was not. HOWEVER there is a problem with her heart. She was diagnosed her with Broken Heart syndrome-pretty much a problem with the heart with no known causes (they think is started because of a virus, stress or poor diet over the years but nothing is confirmed because she is healthy other than having this) They found out that her EF (how her heart pumps blood back into the body) is low....so ideally the EF should be 100, 80 is acceptable and at 60 is when they start talking about surgery....my mom's EF was 20...Pretty much if they didn't find it she would of died in a few months....which is extremely scary to think about. She's my mom. She's my person to go to when I need to vent. I cannot lose her. Thankfully they found a medication that is helping a lot. After a few months, her levels increase to 43% so it is still low but obviously its a big improvement. She will eventually need surgery they are talking about a defiblator (a pace-maker) being placed in a
few months and they mentioned the possibility of a heart transplant which is scary to think about because that transplant list is 15-20 year wait....
My mom went to the hospital in the middle of the night because she thought she was having a heart attack...thankfully she was not. HOWEVER there is a problem with her heart. She was diagnosed her with Broken Heart syndrome-pretty much a problem with the heart with no known causes (they think is started because of a virus, stress or poor diet over the years but nothing is confirmed because she is healthy other than having this) They found out that her EF (how her heart pumps blood back into the body) is low....so ideally the EF should be 100, 80 is acceptable and at 60 is when they start talking about surgery....my mom's EF was 20...Pretty much if they didn't find it she would of died in a few months....which is extremely scary to think about. She's my mom. She's my person to go to when I need to vent. I cannot lose her. Thankfully they found a medication that is helping a lot. After a few months, her levels increase to 43% so it is still low but obviously its a big improvement. She will eventually need surgery they are talking about a defiblator (a pace-maker) being placed in a
few months and they mentioned the possibility of a heart transplant which is scary to think about because that transplant list is 15-20 year wait....
what's been going on???
So it's been years since I last blogged. 6 years to be exact!
So obviously a lot has happened in 6 years....for one I had a child. His name is Jackson and he is now 5 years old. I have my own apartment, I quit smoking (a year ago!) I work full time, and I am back in school! (I have 2 semesters left before I graduate!!!) So you would think I am doing amazing I have everything under wraps right??? No. I got good at hiding. For the most part during those 6 years I was okay, I mean I still struggled mentally but not enough to cause concern, I no longer looked like I was struggling physically....until a few months ago. (I should also note that I am no longer in therapy because I was doing better and now I am being stubborn because I want the same therapist and she no longer practices so it's actually impossible and I don't want to "start all over" with someone else-yes I still have trust issues)
February 10th 2019 is the day I relapsed-physically. Like I said my mental struggles never went away they got a little less noisy but they were still there. Well they are loud again. This is the day that I remember weighing myself and started watching calories and losing weight.
My struggle has changed though. For example, I have not purged. I have been tempted but that is not a road I want go back on. for some reason I feel like that would "push" me over and really stir things up.
I am however, restricting. a lot. I eat once a day and it is normally 500 calories or less....some of my coworkers have noticed because I stopped eating during my breaks and just ate a few crackers instead and chugging water. like a lot of water (60-80 oz per day) I started watching calories and weighing myself everyday.
For a while I was exercising a lot, but I stopped that when I got injured-I pulled a muscle in my shoulder....so the fact that I stopped exercising when I got injured is a sign that I'm not in a full blown relapse because in the past it wouldn't of stopped me....remember when my leg was in cast and I was still on the treadmill haha.
Since February 10, I have lost 20lbs! I gained lot weight when I was pregnant and I am finally starting to get rid of it 5 years later....I got up to 164.4lbs today I weigh in at 144.1 …. for my height that is considered overweight still....my goal is get to 136 by august which will put me in the healthy range for my vacation....
Already my goal has changed....that's ED for you. My goal was to get to 136 but then I decided I wanted a buffer not being on the line of healthy and overweight so the goal changed to 130....after much debate with ed...my goal now (ultimately) is 120...I'm sure that will change again but for now I am focusing on that fact that I am 8lbs away from being considered healthy!
When I first started losing weight my boyfriend (Jon) and some coworkers have noticed and were making comments which fueled my ed....but now that some time has passed I am not losing weight as fast- which is frustrating, so the comments stopped and I think people stopped noticing!
So obviously a lot has happened in 6 years....for one I had a child. His name is Jackson and he is now 5 years old. I have my own apartment, I quit smoking (a year ago!) I work full time, and I am back in school! (I have 2 semesters left before I graduate!!!) So you would think I am doing amazing I have everything under wraps right??? No. I got good at hiding. For the most part during those 6 years I was okay, I mean I still struggled mentally but not enough to cause concern, I no longer looked like I was struggling physically....until a few months ago. (I should also note that I am no longer in therapy because I was doing better and now I am being stubborn because I want the same therapist and she no longer practices so it's actually impossible and I don't want to "start all over" with someone else-yes I still have trust issues)
February 10th 2019 is the day I relapsed-physically. Like I said my mental struggles never went away they got a little less noisy but they were still there. Well they are loud again. This is the day that I remember weighing myself and started watching calories and losing weight.
My struggle has changed though. For example, I have not purged. I have been tempted but that is not a road I want go back on. for some reason I feel like that would "push" me over and really stir things up.
I am however, restricting. a lot. I eat once a day and it is normally 500 calories or less....some of my coworkers have noticed because I stopped eating during my breaks and just ate a few crackers instead and chugging water. like a lot of water (60-80 oz per day) I started watching calories and weighing myself everyday.
For a while I was exercising a lot, but I stopped that when I got injured-I pulled a muscle in my shoulder....so the fact that I stopped exercising when I got injured is a sign that I'm not in a full blown relapse because in the past it wouldn't of stopped me....remember when my leg was in cast and I was still on the treadmill haha.
Since February 10, I have lost 20lbs! I gained lot weight when I was pregnant and I am finally starting to get rid of it 5 years later....I got up to 164.4lbs today I weigh in at 144.1 …. for my height that is considered overweight still....my goal is get to 136 by august which will put me in the healthy range for my vacation....
Already my goal has changed....that's ED for you. My goal was to get to 136 but then I decided I wanted a buffer not being on the line of healthy and overweight so the goal changed to 130....after much debate with ed...my goal now (ultimately) is 120...I'm sure that will change again but for now I am focusing on that fact that I am 8lbs away from being considered healthy!
When I first started losing weight my boyfriend (Jon) and some coworkers have noticed and were making comments which fueled my ed....but now that some time has passed I am not losing weight as fast- which is frustrating, so the comments stopped and I think people stopped noticing!
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