Update

So it was brought to my attention that I haven't updated this in a while so here we go. . .

About two nights ago, I had an er visit for throwing up blood and collapsing. All I remember is, getting up and reaching for my uncles arm. So obviously, concerned came about. The doctors said my electrolytes were low, and I was dehydrated, and the increased my Nexium (as the throwing up blood happened before-ironically last time it happened is when they diagnosed me with Anorexia). I was sent home after a ivs. Well two days passed, still working out, still restricting, and still purging. My mom got concerned with some pictures I posted on Facebook and told my aunt to weigh me, she said she would, few more days pass and out of nowhere she did. At first she said I stayed the same weight-which was a relief that I passed the test, but a bummer for I thought I lost weight. The next day I was freaking out, since someone told me that I look like I weigh 120lbs, and harrassed my aunt to tell me my weight. Of course she refused to do so, but she did confirm that I am not 120-so that brought more questions. was it under 100, was it two or three digits? this she woulnt answer either but she did finally tell me that I did lose weight but she didnt want me to get the "high" from knowing it. And she will continue to weigh me and if it drops again is when we will have a problem. That same day, she found a bag that I purged in earlier, and told me that was my warning, and not to make a habit of it. That's it. Kinda a relief again.

Next story. Today I was waken up by my sister calling me. She told me that she was getting married on Wednesday.(in less than a week) Everyone knew but me and she didnt want me to find out through facebook. im still not entirely sure on why she was fearful of telling me. But I have a feeling its because she is normally concerned with how I feel about her boyfriends. (yup thats right...i havent even met him yet) And her boyfriends are usually abusive or into drugs. I told her im trying to be happy, but its really fast (they only went out for a month so far). Also she is coming to visit me on Saturday (she isnt having a wedding like a las vegas thing-just a party a month later) and thats when I freaked. I said I was worried about meeting this stranger and now I am meeting a stranger, a brother in law and her husband. She just moved in with him, and they are looking for a two bedroom apartment...any guess why? Well we think its a rushed, and the whole bigger apartment we think one thing-shes pregnant...

Next story...
I worked with this one girl whos boyfriend took advantage of me(which yes she knows about it) well they apparently broke up. According to him. And another girl is apparently married to him. So two girls are saying they are with him one way or another and hes saying he's not. Also his "wife" is 7 months pregnant. Well she just got out of jail for beating up the girl I worked with. And now the guy is saying that the wife wants to beat me up now. And that I only create drama...not sure how my name is being brought into this...so I messaged the wife and asked her why-she says she never said that and he never said that and she is going to believe her husband...can you say jerry springer?

So hints the reason for not updating...

About to POP

So, I told my mom about how bad things really are right now, and she told me to look into a homeless shelter, because i am not allowed in the house if all I am going to do is kill myself. She won't watch it and my disease effects her and the family too. Okay I get that, but seriously turning your back on me (when you know how i am still hurt by dad leaving) how is that going to help me? It's def just going to make my ed worse. And for once, JUST ONCE can MY ed be about ME and not the whole goddman family? I get it, you guys are effected, imagine how i feel though? I know I hurt you all. not on purpose but I did and I regret it but i cant do anything about it...but the reason why I have an ed, is because you hurt me too. Im just tired of getting the blame, its not like I wanted to live this way.

Thoughts for the day

Today I restricted. I did try to purge but my heat starting hurting again so I was able to stop myself. I wouldn't say that I had a problem with laxatives before. I mean I took them but not like in an abusing manner. Well this week, ive been taking them like everyday. And then my aunt brings me a bottle of milk of magnusium. Because it's cheap and it will help with acne? But honestly, I am not going to be putting it on my face, i will be taking it...

Anyway, today ive been in my head. And like my sponsor says, " I shouldnt go in there alone" But she hasnt been picking up her phone (after I never called her since she returned home from Mexico until I really needed it). But I am starting with a new therapist on Tuesday which I kind of freaking out about. Im totally freaking out about 4th of July, though i don't think it will be a big deal here. I just hate holidays in general so I guess I expect things to go bad (past experience). I feel like im just stuck I mean I know what ed does to me and where it will lead me but I still cant stop. Im not sure I even want to yet, though I think I def hit my bottom with losing school, work, and my home. I know this will sound weird but im terrified of getting better. I told my mom that I am actually more scared to get better than I am of death. If I die, it will be the end. No more thoughts, no more struggle. it would just be over. If I get better I will still have the thoughts, I will still hate my body, I will still fear that nobody cares if im not sick. The biggest one is I would gain weight. Seriously dont judge me, but I would rather die than gain weight.  That's how sick this disease is. It ruins you. It's like an abusive relationship. You know its wrong but you are scared to get out of it....

When will I be able to get out. When will I want to get out?

ED's Turn

This past week I have really been struggling with body image which leads to struggling with actions. I get so upset with myself, because I try, I do, but the second I see that im gaining weight, I freak out and do everything to lose weight and then that fast im back in a cycle that I can't seem to get out of again.

Any way, I figured to let my ed talk for a little bit before it gets out of control again....so here it goes (COULD BE TRIGGERING)

Stefanie,
Why are you sooo damn stupid? These people don't know what it takes to be thin! Stop listening to them! They just want to make you fat, they want to see how stupid you can go with shoveling more and more food down your throat. It's disgusting, repulsive actaully. Let't face it, you will never get rid of me. I'm here, been here, and will continue to be here. Get over it! Tell everyone to back off and let us be. Where were they when all the bad things were going on? They weren't around, I was! If they cared they would of been there. Like me. See you are so lucky that I am a good friend and im waiting for you to come back to your senses.  You know people leave, no matter how much they promise that they wont. But I've been there for everything, start looking at their actions and stop believing every word they say. Don't you miss all the "you look great comments" now your getting "you look healthy" PLEASE you know what that means...it means you are now FAT!!!!! But they wont tell you that so they lie, I wont do that to you. Ill be honest with you, you are fat now! Come on lets get back to the slimming 78 pounds! That's when you started looking good, get back to that and ill help with the remaining weight you would need to lose.  Show them that You do HAVE CONTROL! being so strict with what you eat, gosh people will admire you. Don't you want that again?
Your's always
ED.


Normally, I would write back, but like I said this time I am just going to let ed share his thoughts. But Ill be honest, there wouldn't be much arguing with him right now

About me and ed

I'm 21, I developed Anorexia when I was 14. The year I had two deaths in the family, both grandmoms in the hospital, my sister in the hospital and my dad left. Before I found my ED though I was engaging in self harm. When I was little I had a rough time. My father is a violent alcoholic, my sister also had an eating disorder and my mom was a control freak. My father mainly hit me with belts and mom hit my sister. (and my mom says they divorced because he was violent...which happened when I was 4-so i missed out on experiencing my parenst being together). My mom had an affair and I don't even know who my real father is. But my mom has always tried pushing me to call her boyfriend "Dad". Anyway, I was teased for a speech problem, and once I fixed it, I lost my identity, and I freaked out and became obsessed with my school work. I put a lot of pressure on myself to have the perfect grades but that just didn't seem like enough for me. So I began restricting my food, eating only one meal a day. My school was getting concerned about my weight loss, and I had to eat lunch with the teachers and get weighed every Thursday, still losing weight they decided to call my mom. I went home that night, knowing that i needed to convince her that I was okay. Somehow, it worked, even though she caught me being sick from eating half of a plain bagel. The rest of high school is a blur,all I remember is working on school work, working, restricting, exercising, taking laxatives, cutting counting calories, and being obsessed with my weight. I started college and they offered a free gym so I began working out 7 hours a day. While not eating for 4 days at a time, and when I did I would make myself throw up. Concerns from others was all I heard, and I finally admitted to what I was doing and began seeing a therapist. Within a short time, she recommended an inpatient center. I went but was kicked out after a month for not being cooperative. The time I returned home, I was in and out of hospitals for throwing up blood, having seizures, heart problems, and low blood levels where I needed to get iv infusions. Finally, my mom couldn't deal with it any longer and put me in another treatment center. I was there for 4 months. I didn't do well in the beginning but found out what I needed to do to get back home. So trying to get out of a wheelchair and get rid of the feeding tube I worked on it. Through anytime I saw a weight gain I slipped. The center thought I was okay to go back home, when I was still thinking "I can go home and lose everything again", the day I went home is the day my plan began to take place. It's been almost a year since then and the same thing has been happening, in and out of treatment centers and hospitals. Many feeding tubes, many going back and forth....the only thing that changed was my mom took medical guardianship over me. Meaning I can't make my own decisions to go or not when it comes to my health. I'm 21 and I am suppose to be a 3rd yr college student, but I only have one year behind me since I've haven't lived at my home for over a year now.