Today I restricted. I did try to purge but my heat starting hurting again so I was able to stop myself. I wouldn't say that I had a problem with laxatives before. I mean I took them but not like in an abusing manner. Well this week, ive been taking them like everyday. And then my aunt brings me a bottle of milk of magnusium. Because it's cheap and it will help with acne? But honestly, I am not going to be putting it on my face, i will be taking it...
Anyway, today ive been in my head. And like my sponsor says, " I shouldnt go in there alone" But she hasnt been picking up her phone (after I never called her since she returned home from Mexico until I really needed it). But I am starting with a new therapist on Tuesday which I kind of freaking out about. Im totally freaking out about 4th of July, though i don't think it will be a big deal here. I just hate holidays in general so I guess I expect things to go bad (past experience). I feel like im just stuck I mean I know what ed does to me and where it will lead me but I still cant stop. Im not sure I even want to yet, though I think I def hit my bottom with losing school, work, and my home. I know this will sound weird but im terrified of getting better. I told my mom that I am actually more scared to get better than I am of death. If I die, it will be the end. No more thoughts, no more struggle. it would just be over. If I get better I will still have the thoughts, I will still hate my body, I will still fear that nobody cares if im not sick. The biggest one is I would gain weight. Seriously dont judge me, but I would rather die than gain weight. That's how sick this disease is. It ruins you. It's like an abusive relationship. You know its wrong but you are scared to get out of it....
When will I be able to get out. When will I want to get out?
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