You are being so damn stupid

My sister is still being an idiot...it's really starting to piss me off. I feel like she has forgotten about me. Two reasons...1. The fact that her husband and her are trying to work things out and instead of getting an apartment together she is STILL moving in with our dad. Her the baby and her husband its like grow up you are about to be a mother and you are moving into dads when you can afford your own place? Just why? She says better schools, and less drugs and better work...hmmm last time I checked we are finding meth labs around here left and right and we are ranked #1 in unemployment. She's doing it because dad is making it seem like she will have it made. My aunt says that she better not go running to her to save her again because she wont do it if my uncle isnt talking to my dad and if im still not talking to my dad. 2. She was up here for a week to visit my grandmom and she completely ignored me. If we didnt bump into her at the hospital I wouldnt have even known she was up here. We used to talk everyday....Lately i have been distancing myself from her. I am hurt by her, and I frustrated with her. She apparently knows because she keeps asking me why I am so mad at her. Today I actually said to her "Because you're being so damn stupid and you are nothing but drama and with everything going on with Mom mom I can't handle it"

Anyway, my grandmom doctor said she is in kidney failure and has a blocked uretha. Her having the catherdor is a permenant thing now. They will change it once a month. She is in a rehab for physical therapy. Though if there is no improvement in 3 days her insurance won't cover it. She has been in a lot of pain the last 2 days. She is cooperating and moving her legs now that is why she is in pain. But it breaks my heart when I go and see her and she says "I didnt know someone could feel this rotten" I am feeding her. She keeps telling me no, but then  I say please, or just one, or last bite, etc haha (bad memory is helping this case because this is allowing her to finish the meal) Yesterday she actually tried holding her own drink when I was giving it too her. She did that today too, yesterday she also hugged me. Well tried to, she put her one arm near my shoulder when I kissed her. Yesterday she was also crying. She said she was "sad because she is sad" I think its either because of the pain or because she realized where she is at. Oh haha yesterday she put her hand on my stomach when I was feeding her I was like umm im not the one pregnant haha and today she put her hand on my (non) boob. I was like "mom mom, I love you but why are you feeling me up" She had this huge smile on her face and laughed.

One of the nurses there pissed me off though. I was standing/walking and she pulled a wheelchair to me. I said no, my grandmom doesnt need it, its her resting/dinner time. She then said "No for you, please use it here you make me nervous when I see you walk or stand. You have to be 80lbs  dripping wet" NO im not fricken 80lbs im less than that but thanks for making me feel like a fat cow! Later on I was rubbing my grandmoms back and turned to my aunt saying even her shoulders pop out. My aunt said "So do yours and she weighs 30lbs more than you" So I pretty much set myself up for that one.

Oh my mom talked to my therapist. To ask what is best for me. I told my mom that my aunt is triggering and is holding me back. (even today she tells me natural laxatives...why if you know I have/had a problem with abusing them in the 1st place) And they talked, they actually scheduled an appointment to talk more where my mom, denise and my moms boyfriend can talk (kind of annoyed that her boyfriend needs to be involved but if I say no it will be a problem) Denise told her "She needs her family right now, her real family not aunts and uncles." She also mentioned how my aunt is triggering and how she holds me back. So it has been decided that I will be going home. =) I was pretty nervous with them talking, but it turned out in my favor and it helps that I trust Denise (yea denise not my mom) to not say anything I said she couldn't and to tell me everything that was mentioned...

Anyway that is enough of my sob story haha

Haven't you heard? Im going to be okay!

Well my grandmom is doing a little better. She is talking again. It nice to hear her and to be alert. Though she is still out of it. Today she didnt eat much and when we said something to her she said "Well when you get your tonsils out..." We were like uhhh you didnt get your tonsils out haha. They are trying to wean her off the oxygen she lasted a day before she needed to be put back on it. My aunt keeps saying that when she is home she is going to take her off one medicine...I keep aruging with her saying the doctors know what is better for her, taking her off a med can be dangerous and harmful! but im nobody.

Also my sister, decided to work things out with her husband (if  I didn't write it before...he texted her saying sorry he made a mistake) so they are going to try to work on things...which means NO MOVING INTO DADS =)

On the down side, Denise wants me in IOP. As fast as it was said it was refused. Not happening sorry. Yea ive been pretty bad for a little while now but a lot of things have been going on. Not that I am making an excuse its just right now its not that I dont want recovery its just not on my mind right now. To feel that pain on top of all the pain of what is already going on. I am also pretty sure my sponsor might drop me soon. She hasnt said anything but she has been getting pretty mad and stern with me, and she already threaten its once 2 years ago. Even denise mentioned not working with me anymore, then took it back in a way, I dont know she said something about it then said thats not what she meant...still confused about that one. I honestly think shes not leaving because she knows without her I wont get better, not that im any better now but without someone to hear me out, I will just get worse and fast. She even said "Im not dropping you right now, right now is the time you need me most" Shes pretty cool, she not crazy about that stupid ethnic rule thing my old therapist had and ended up dropping me when i needed her most too, a week after that I was in the hospital haha so sorry tough love with eating disorders don't work!!!!

Anyway today was okay, not good not bad. First day where I didnt get any bad news so its still hopeful. I will keep hanging on and  I will be okay!

She's crazy!

I had therapy today, after telling her that I still have not eaten she was a bit upset (well I ate once in the last 9 days). Saying I need to go to the doctor and she feels like I am at my "death weight" She wants me in IOP until I go back to ERC as being at home going to therapy 3 times a week just isnt cutting it for me. I think she is just paranoid. She was said she can't work with me if I am not getting the proper treatment I was like seriously just what I need right now...then she was like no im not saying im leaving ill still work with you??? UMMM okay than im taking "she cant work with me unless i have the proper treatment" wrong? She said  I was super pale, but I dont see it, I guess it might be true though because my uncle told me that I was paler than pale two nights ago. She understands that I have a lot on my plate (haha no pun intended) but I still need to eat and blah blah blah. She was trying to make me say that I am worthy. I was like No...she then said do u remember a time where you felt like you were I said no. Then she asked more about growing up. My dad left and my mom was busy finding a new boyfriend, leaving me being raised by my sister and grandparents. She said that its playing a big part in my sense of worth...like nobody was around then so why now, type of thing. She made me think of two people who were like parent roles growing up, for a mom it was Monica (best friends mom) and for a dad is my moms current boyfriend, but that relationship is rough because I feel like if it wasnt for him I would have gotten to experience my parents together. (my mom had an affair with him) Then she said people care because everyone is really checking in with me lately. Which I am grateful for but its like they dont really know who I am. Like my eda girls I love you but I really think you are misguided. Then she said my sponsor cares (which I know and is the only person I never doubted) and denise cares. I was like umm yea I pay you to care. She went into no you pay me for listening, not to care. haha. Then she was saying how big of a heart I have, and how im loyal and driven (in a good and bad way) how much I care and feel for others. I was like umm yeah you dont know me. She said from what you tell me about your friends, and how you talk in here I think I can say that without hesitation. Then why is it so hard for me to believe that, and I told her it's just hard believing what others say when I dont believe it myself.

Officially hanging off the cliff

.....  (I did that because I honestly dont know where to start)

Well. update on my grandmom, her blood work came back horrible. She was again zoned out, like I dont even think she knew we where there with her. She kept trying to lift her head to grab something but nothing was there to grab. I grabbed her hands (she keeps trying to pull her oxygen out...and man can she squeeze, by the time we let go of hands my hands were red!) Nothing really changed though. She was suppose to get and MRI but she didn't. She had a cat scan yesterday, which told us she has been having mini strokes. And her stomach pain was because she had a severe uti which literally blocked her up and made her "full of shit (and urine)" But they put in a catheder and that allowed her to release 1600 of urine. (the tube for it though looked crusty-from the infection) She is still very dehydrated. Oh the infection is so bad that its causing her kidney to have failure. But she's one tough chick and im hoping that along with everything else she will be able to get through this.

So needless to say, i have been majorly restricting. Like major. My uncle confronted it tonight (just what I needed to be pushed over the edge) He said I "just need to eat and drink and take care of myself" and that and I quote "You're anorexia is breaking my heart" (said it and HE started crying) I told him I am sorry but everything just is wrong right now, I dont even think to eat. And when im faced with food im just not hungry. He wants me to eat things that I apparently make faces too. Ummm why would I eat things I dont like? I dont even eat things I do like haha. He told me that I have so much life ahead of me...I dont feel like its true i feel like my life is pretty much over. And how someone is meant for me and blah blah blah, I wasnt feeling lonely but now I do, so thanks for that!

Now MORE drama with my sister...she is coming up on Thursday to see mom mom and is she coming here? NO, shes going to the hospital then to my dads where my dad will drive her home the next day...kinda a stab in the back for the people who have been here for her, unlike my dad who magically became the hero after not talking to her for 7 years.

Sorry if  I repeated, or if I continued something that wasnt started, my head isn't on right anymore.

On the edge of a cliff

AHHHHH!

My life is nothing but sucky right now. I hate to blog when i feel like this but I dont know what else to do and I hate blogging about bad things, making my life seem a lot worse than what it is...but again i dont know what else to do.

So it all started about 2 weeks ago. First my grandmom's health went downhill and fast. She is not eating/drinking right.(we have to hand feed her now) She cant see or hear that great shes doing nothing but sleeping, she's completely zoned out. She keeps moaning like she is in pain but says she's not. Its hard seeing everyday let alone that it's going to happen in the house. But it's what she wants. It's just hard.

Then on top of that, my sister and her husband had planned me moving in with them to help with the baby. Well Will (her husband) decided to get a divorce, and sign custody over so he has nothing to do with the baby...He left, just like my dad to us. Oh and my sister has had a hard pregnancy, nothing but problems leaving her on bedrest, and yup will took all they money they had saved. My mom doesnt want a newborn in the house, and my sister can't afford her own place now so her options are 1. Give her up for adoption. 2. Move in with my dad. Which she is leaning towards...The thing with my dad he makes everything seem so wonderful its hard to say no to him. But in the end it never adds up, and she will be disappointed. He is saying he will help with the baby whenever she needs it, he can get her a job and she can use his car anytime....I dont see him sticking to his word now if he hasnt in the past. Plus if she goes there, 3 hours away from everyone if he is still drunk and violent! How is that a good idea???? And I was suppose to go home to help with the baby so if shes with my dad (which I refuse to even see at this point) then where does that leave me? I was totally forgotten in the plan. Luckily my mom says she will talk to my stepdad but shes been saying this for months now. I was starting to get better to have that baby in my life and I still wont have her there. I mean I know we can visit but its like if shes living there I dont even want to risk seeing my dad. I really dont see it working out.


I have been trying to figure a solution out for her but she doesnt want to hear it. I sent her links and shes busy playing games instead...my sponsor and my mom told me that I am making her problem as it is mine....I just dont want her or that baby with my dad...thats not a good solution, so I have to do something about it, problem is I CAN'T. I even said I would get an apartment and she can live with me, but considering my medical problems and treatment and everything they don't want me to.

I am feeling pretty hopeless and honestly I would rather be dead right now.

I even told my mom that I felt like I was on edge ever since sunday (drama with my dad...lead into a 3 day giving up phrase) Like I was on the edge of a cliff about to fall off. One more bad thing would push me over. Well now im hanging off the cliff. I still havent completely falling but im danging with nothing under my feet, that is how I feel. Keep the bad news coming and I won't even be hanging on anymore.

Oh and get this, my stepmom has posted on my sisters fb that "Family is always here and always will be" WTF...seriously you havent talked to my sister in 7 years, my grandmom in 3 and my uncle and I in 1yr...TOTAL FAKES and it pisses me off