What's the point???

What is the point in opening up to someone, getting to know them, care about them when in the end no matter who it is or what they promise...they leave? There's none. I am so tired of being hurt this way. I am so tired of opening up and thinking this person will be different and in the end they are all the same. They always leave. Always. My dad left, and my stepmom, almost my sponsor though she is being distant now. A therapist, Val, Ann, and now Jill. when I say now, yes like hour ago. She told me that she gives up and can't handle me right now. I immediadly start crying saying I knew it. I can't keep opening myself up to people just to get ripped open in the end. But for some reason I always allow it, well this will put an end to it. I'm going to leave everyone. Decision made for them and I get out of feeling this pain, this abandonment.

Stupid Holidays

I don't know if it's just because of the extra stress around food durning this time of the year or im just holding everything in again until I explode...either way it's not a fun place to be at. I have this strong urge to literally pull out my hair. I hate this time of year, not only because the added stress and focus on the food which is not fun for someone who has an ed. but because my birthday is coming up, which makes it offical-another year without doing NOTHING with my life...

People are getting to me too. seems like every person knows how to push my buttons its like a little kid hitting all the buttons on the elevator. I feel like Im not being heard. I don't matter. People don't care, won't notice. The one person who I have grown to accept as my chosen sister well she's kinda leaving...I mean I get that she is having a hard time right now with her own issues but how can I not take it personal when a month has passed and we barely talk now when we talked everynight and its like pulling teeth out trying to get her to open up. And that's if it last more than 5 mins now...I knew this was going to happen, for her to get better and then me still struggling and leaving because im too triggering. But she says its not the case, well sure feels the same but you dont want me feeling abandoned but I feel like im being blown off all the time now and it hurts just the same amount.

Today

Today was a "better bad day" I only purged once and only took two laxatives and exercised.. And I did text my nutritionist like she wanted me to, and she was overjoyed that I'm listening to her. I am very glad that I have a very patient nutritionist and she also had an ed so I dont have to explain myself. So that is always nice. But I feel like I ate way too much today. I actaully bought clothes to not fit me so I would be motivated to lose weight and so far they do fit. Actaully a little big on me. Which is kind of sick, to purposely buy clothes to make yourself fit into them. I seen that commerical about the sizes being sassy and stuff like that and I really think they should do that. haha.

Work was actually good today too, so that always helps with my mood. And I went and hung out with my cousin and made plans for tomarrow before work. It will be nice to not just be stuck in the house. then go to work and come home to bed then do it all over again. So im excited! Finally I have a night where i am not depressed.

My cousin just had a baby too so welcome little Landon Duffy =)


So I thought of my ex today which is never good, and he sent me a message. I don't know what to do. I mean I know I should not talk to him at all. He is nothing but a liar. I feel like a complete idiot. Ok, he was apparent;y A LOT older than what he told me (which I still feel disgusted) and he was married and had 3 kids. I feel like I should of known and I brought it on myself. Something I obviously need to work on, as he was his decision. I don't know  I still take the full blame, as I should have known. He made me lose all respect  for myself. Not that I had any to begin with but this just took everything that I had left =/ He keeps saying things like "time heals all" and " I should never forget my first" Such an ass, really. I kind of feel like if I didn't think of him today he would not of messaged me which is stupid thinking. AHHHH

Nutritionist Appointment....

So today, I texted my nutritionist (Joy) and told her that  I can't come for a second week in a row, well she wasn't happy with me, and said I can't not go again. So I ended up going but I was only there for maybe ten minutes, I told her the truth on why I didn't want to go (not wanting to get weighed) and she made it this big thing about her, that she's not this horrible person who will judge me if I did actaully gained weight. She said she is and my therapist is the number one cheering people behind me, and actaully wants me to gain weight. And that  I can;t not go just because I want to avoid the scale, then she threw it in my face and said, "Today im not even going to weigh you so there" haha. Then I said something to make her realize that I just expect this to go away. Like Ill just decide one day to not purge or restrict and that's it. So she told me a story about one of her other patients and said have "better bad days" Meaning, if I purge x amount of times each day then the next day lessen it by one, and she wants me to text her everyday now saying "I had a better bad day" or "Good day" or whatever. I said okay, she said, so im expecting at least 7 texts until I see you next time. I think she's honestly just trying to prove a point that she is my number one cheerleader at the moment. I don't know I guess I just really needed to let something out. Because I feel like my feet are somewhat back on the ground. Im not just floating around anymore. Like Im still depressed, i don't know maybe im just numb as I tried not purge today, and for me not purging means not eating. So im kind of in the numbing phrase right now. Honestly, I much rather be this way than depressed like I have been and for me purging doesn't numb me out AS MUCH as restricting (still does but im not sucidial tonight for like the first time in a month)

BLAH BLAH BLAH

See this is why IM DONE. I reactivate my facebook and noticed within an hour my step-mom and aunt blocked me. That for me was the last straw. I want to know why, but I also know its just going to upset me and make me more depressed which I don't think can get worse at the moment. So yes more people leaving me. this is why I don't open up to people,

Another reason why  I don't open up to people is because everyone here likes talking about me. Like I had therapy yesterday, and my aunt asked how it went. I told her I was quiet, because im not going to say well we focused on my depression because I really want to call quits, but it wasn't a lie I mean I was quiet. Well she told my mom and my mom, is like "Her being quiet is a bad sign" and this weekend I went for "walks" (runs) and before hand drank an "ensure" (refilled it with zero calorie gatorade) and my mom knows and says, "That means youre not getting your nutritional needs met"...um how about you assume its because im taking care of myself and drinking them so I have calories to burn. I know its stupid to get upset over this as I really didnt drink them. haha. Oh and someone commented on a note I wrote on Facebook, and that means I reposted it, and someone called me out on it and deleted my facebook...like you know everything. I didn't repost anything, someone made a comment and nobody "called me out", I flat out told my mom why I deleted my facebook, but apparently that's not the reason to her. She also knows that I was upset with my sister moving back home, and thinks this might have something to do with it. AGAIN I flat out told you the reason, LISTEN TO ME.

PROOF nobody cares

So I took my facebook down for a few days, as I felt it was pointing out how alone I am. And I also made a point to not to contact anyone unless they contact me. And no surprise, nobody did. They only people who noticed was one friend and my mom and sister. Which proves my point that If I just disappeared not a lot of people would even notice or care. I actaully woke up yesterday crying because of how alone I felt. I had therapy and she says feeling this way is because of my  dad blowing me off again this weekend. Im not sure, I mean I know it plays a part but its not the reason I am just one very very alone young woman who is misunderstood. But on the bright side, I was honest with her about how sucidial I have been lately then she sat there and prayed for me which was a little awkward. That was all she did though, we didnt make a plan or anything in case it gets more tempting than what it is now. Besides her telling me that I really need to take my Celexa (anti-depressants)

Going to the hardware store for bread

I love when I wake up to have a panic attack. Two minutes after I wake up, I get a text from my step-mom...yup they cancelled YET AGAIN. I'm tired of the excuses to not see me. I just want my dad to want to see me, to want to call me, to care about me and to love me. Is that so much to ask for from a parent? apparently. I honestly, can't do it anymore. If they don't want me in their life...wish granted. I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm done with calling them and trying when it's just not going to happen. Like that famous saying, "Going to the hardware store for bread" You keep going there expecting something will be different, expecting something you need will be there.


So I told my uncle why I was upset (as he gets mad when I leave him out of the loop) and he says, "Well i don't know what to tell you" and walks away....so again I don't know what people want from me...do they want me to share or to keep quite. nothing I do seems to be the right thing.

Then I found a support group for eating disorders, near work. And I asked my uncle what is the name of the building because they have groups there. Well he said, "You seem fine, and everytime I turn around you want something more for your ed.. first a therapist, then a nutritionist, now a doctor and groups" well ok yea I have groups, but I was going to face to face meetings before and its a lot different. I found a group around here called celebrate recovery and they didn't want me going because its not just for ed's. So ive been doing phone and online meetings but its not the same. I guess it's true I don't deserve the support that I actually need.

Out of the Loop

So today I called my mom, to tell her that I have osteopenia, she wasn't surprised, she actually thought they diagnoised me with it when I was at Laureate because I was "on the verge of having it". And it wasn't triggering talking to her for once. Though I don't think I actaully have osteopenia as the test could not be accurate but she says that  I still need to take my viactive (calcuim supplements) 3 times a day...

Then I get off the phone with her and my sister texts me, already knowing about this. Then a little later I asked if she moved. And she got curious. Like seriously you are my sister and I can't know where you are living? And she does tell me shes living with our mom. Ok why didn't my mom tell me when I talked to her? How come everyone can know about my bussiness but nobody tells me anything?? seems unfair.

Decisions

So this past week I have made or ED made some stupid decisions....Like on Wednesday, I cancelled my nutrionist appointment. Just because I was too embarrassed and ashamed if (IF) I gained weight to let my nutritionist to see it. Which she wants my number to go up. But I was honest about it with my therapist yesterday and she advised me to talk to her. Which I don't see her not weighing me, considering she is the only one who does in my treatment team. But maybe this coming week I can say, "I know you need to weigh me but can you just not do it this week, because I feel like my number is up and I dont want to be judged differently or feel ashamed. And if you don't tell me I will be wondering and if you don't I will still be wondering" I guess I can always try, but then I don't want to because then that might make her just not show me the number at all anymore. But I do feel better, like I am still struggling but I feel like im letting go of my restricting. I feel like I am eating more, still purging but not to the point where its making me lose weight anymore. I keep telling myself that I will get back on track tomarrow to lose weight but I just don't do it. So I feel like a failure. I feel like im becoming a binge eater. Which my teams tells me that Im not considering that I do still purge and what I eat isn't a binge its a normal amount its just more to me...

I also found out this week that I have Osteopenia. I'll be 22 in 26 days and I have weak bones, stomach issues, severe acid reflex, acute esophagatis, hyperglycemia, and severe anemia....doesn't sound like im 21, sounds like im 82. And its allll because of ed, yet  I still think im "fine" and that "nothing bad will happen to me" NEWSFLASH it is. It has! So shut up ed, your wrong, I have medical issues, that isn't being "fine" or nothing major will happen. Having my problems are serious. So knowing this, do I stop the ed behaviors??? no. because something is seriously wrong with me. I know two people who have died from their ed's, so I know its a result, does that stop me? No...

I have also been thinking a lot of my relationships this week. Like my dad the whole I don't hear from him unless I contact him. Well that is like with all my relationships. Friends. Supports. Family. And I don't feel like its fair to me. Relationships are suppose to be a two way street, they don't work if only one person is driving. And it's really not fair to me. I just want someone to contact me without being told. Someone to care enough to check in with me, or to talk about stupid pointless stuff. I'm just tired of always reaching out and grabbing a hand when nobody grabs for mine. Makes me feel like I am truly a burden that not even my friends want to talk to me anymore. I just want someone to care. (who isn't in my team because im paying them to care).

I am Nobody

I don't know if I can do this any longer...do you know how it feels when both of your parents want nothing to do with their kid? I do. and it sucks...my mom doesn't want me home, and frankly I think she is much happier without me there. She says she doesn't want me there if I'm in my ed, well she thinks that I have like 8 months of recovery (though I think she really knows) and still doesnt want me back. Then my dad. Well we had plans a couple of weeks ago and he cancelled. And we have plans on the 19th and it looks like he will blow me off again. And I only hear from him if I contact him. No phone calls. no visits. nothing. I mean I understood the no visits when I lived two hours away but now im only five mins away. And im tired of just always being the one who has to contact them, to have a relationship with them. Like if I don't call for a while, he will say "hey stranger" umm hello and phone works both ways, he can call me. He can act like the parent every once in a while. I'm tired of being the parent when I don't have kids...I remember the year I went on pointe for dance, and he said that he would be there to see my recital. As it was a big moment for me. Well he didn't show up. For christsakes, he came to my graduation but left before my name was even called.Wasn't there for my award cermonies. He did visit me when I was at Renfrew, however it was only because my mom told him that I was killing myself to get his attention so he stopped by for five mins...and it was torture. Hello im in a treatment center for an eating disorder and you are going to sit there and say, "well at least you're not the sickest/thinnest one here" umm thanks. needless to say I cried at dinner (as it was only like 5 mins before) and refused to eat.

Anyway, my point is that it is clear to me that everyone would continue their life without blinking an eye if  I was gone. Like I said, my dad probably wouldn't even realize as I don't exist to him now, and he probably wouldn't go to my funeral. And my mom well she is already happier with me away from her. I just don't see the point in being in a world where you aren't welcomed by your parents. I'll be 22 soon, and I have nothing accomplished  with my life. Absolutely nothing. I'm literally nothing but a burden to the people who know me. Sure I have my EDA girls, who say they love me and would be upset if I was no longer here, but then again they don't know me. I mean they do to an extent but they never actaully met me before, so im sure they would move on fairly fast. I have nobody. I am nobody.

I'm sorry that I'm not like everyone else....

So Ed was in complete control today...he convinced to me to cancel my nutritionist appointment tomarrow, because I (think) gained weight and "I would be embarrassed if Joy saw my higher weight" (regardless that she wants me to gain weight). So I texted her, fearing that if I called she would ask questions and convince me otherwise...she said okay and wants to still check in on me over the phone. I told her that I won't have privacy. But I was honest about it in my food log (which is a food log/journal) and my therapist reads it and Im sure she will report that to Joy...then ed also already convinced me that tomarrow morning I will be on my own for breakfast as my uncle and aunt have a doctors appointment and I have to stay here to watch my grandmom. So, we have it all planned out. Ill make something for her and me but the dogs will eat mine. So people who don't have eds...that's what we do all day in our heads. We think of things to get out of eating or to run away to purge, then we focus on how we will do it again tomarrow. I think im at a point where I don't even want to argue with ed anymore. He always seems to win and it just exhausts me and makes me feel guilty which is weird because I feel guilty for not doing recovery yet the guilt brings on more ed behaviors. haha.

All I want to is to be normal. I want to be normal with food. And to be okay with my body. I want to think about other things other than calories, and my body. Gosh that makes me sound really vain....

See I come from a family with a lot of problems. My dad is an alcholic, and my sister had an eating disorder (she swicthed from anorexia to binge eating which means "recovered" in my family) and my uncle was big into drugs (and switched to bulimia) Well from my mom there's a lot of pressure on me. Like my sister is "better" and questions me all the time, on why I can't just get better, she got well after she started to lose her hair...well im sorry despite all the problems I have  I still cant get better. I'm sorry im not you and those things don't matter to me as much as they meant to you. What is wrong with me??? And my uncle well her got "better" after some tough love from my grandpa (kicked out) and that is exactly what my mom is doing to me, but the thing with ed's...tough love is not the way to go. We already feel worthless, and then you saying that I can't come back home adds to that, and makes me feel like im a burden that even my mom doesn't want me around...it just seems like no matter what is said and done, it's just not the right thing to me...ughh