Decisions

So this past week I have made or ED made some stupid decisions....Like on Wednesday, I cancelled my nutrionist appointment. Just because I was too embarrassed and ashamed if (IF) I gained weight to let my nutritionist to see it. Which she wants my number to go up. But I was honest about it with my therapist yesterday and she advised me to talk to her. Which I don't see her not weighing me, considering she is the only one who does in my treatment team. But maybe this coming week I can say, "I know you need to weigh me but can you just not do it this week, because I feel like my number is up and I dont want to be judged differently or feel ashamed. And if you don't tell me I will be wondering and if you don't I will still be wondering" I guess I can always try, but then I don't want to because then that might make her just not show me the number at all anymore. But I do feel better, like I am still struggling but I feel like im letting go of my restricting. I feel like I am eating more, still purging but not to the point where its making me lose weight anymore. I keep telling myself that I will get back on track tomarrow to lose weight but I just don't do it. So I feel like a failure. I feel like im becoming a binge eater. Which my teams tells me that Im not considering that I do still purge and what I eat isn't a binge its a normal amount its just more to me...

I also found out this week that I have Osteopenia. I'll be 22 in 26 days and I have weak bones, stomach issues, severe acid reflex, acute esophagatis, hyperglycemia, and severe anemia....doesn't sound like im 21, sounds like im 82. And its allll because of ed, yet  I still think im "fine" and that "nothing bad will happen to me" NEWSFLASH it is. It has! So shut up ed, your wrong, I have medical issues, that isn't being "fine" or nothing major will happen. Having my problems are serious. So knowing this, do I stop the ed behaviors??? no. because something is seriously wrong with me. I know two people who have died from their ed's, so I know its a result, does that stop me? No...

I have also been thinking a lot of my relationships this week. Like my dad the whole I don't hear from him unless I contact him. Well that is like with all my relationships. Friends. Supports. Family. And I don't feel like its fair to me. Relationships are suppose to be a two way street, they don't work if only one person is driving. And it's really not fair to me. I just want someone to contact me without being told. Someone to care enough to check in with me, or to talk about stupid pointless stuff. I'm just tired of always reaching out and grabbing a hand when nobody grabs for mine. Makes me feel like I am truly a burden that not even my friends want to talk to me anymore. I just want someone to care. (who isn't in my team because im paying them to care).