I don't know if I can do this any longer...do you know how it feels when both of your parents want nothing to do with their kid? I do. and it sucks...my mom doesn't want me home, and frankly I think she is much happier without me there. She says she doesn't want me there if I'm in my ed, well she thinks that I have like 8 months of recovery (though I think she really knows) and still doesnt want me back. Then my dad. Well we had plans a couple of weeks ago and he cancelled. And we have plans on the 19th and it looks like he will blow me off again. And I only hear from him if I contact him. No phone calls. no visits. nothing. I mean I understood the no visits when I lived two hours away but now im only five mins away. And im tired of just always being the one who has to contact them, to have a relationship with them. Like if I don't call for a while, he will say "hey stranger" umm hello and phone works both ways, he can call me. He can act like the parent every once in a while. I'm tired of being the parent when I don't have kids...I remember the year I went on pointe for dance, and he said that he would be there to see my recital. As it was a big moment for me. Well he didn't show up. For christsakes, he came to my graduation but left before my name was even called.Wasn't there for my award cermonies. He did visit me when I was at Renfrew, however it was only because my mom told him that I was killing myself to get his attention so he stopped by for five mins...and it was torture. Hello im in a treatment center for an eating disorder and you are going to sit there and say, "well at least you're not the sickest/thinnest one here" umm thanks. needless to say I cried at dinner (as it was only like 5 mins before) and refused to eat.
Anyway, my point is that it is clear to me that everyone would continue their life without blinking an eye if I was gone. Like I said, my dad probably wouldn't even realize as I don't exist to him now, and he probably wouldn't go to my funeral. And my mom well she is already happier with me away from her. I just don't see the point in being in a world where you aren't welcomed by your parents. I'll be 22 soon, and I have nothing accomplished with my life. Absolutely nothing. I'm literally nothing but a burden to the people who know me. Sure I have my EDA girls, who say they love me and would be upset if I was no longer here, but then again they don't know me. I mean they do to an extent but they never actaully met me before, so im sure they would move on fairly fast. I have nobody. I am nobody.
No comments:
Post a Comment