So Ed was in complete control today...he convinced to me to cancel my nutritionist appointment tomarrow, because I (think) gained weight and "I would be embarrassed if Joy saw my higher weight" (regardless that she wants me to gain weight). So I texted her, fearing that if I called she would ask questions and convince me otherwise...she said okay and wants to still check in on me over the phone. I told her that I won't have privacy. But I was honest about it in my food log (which is a food log/journal) and my therapist reads it and Im sure she will report that to Joy...then ed also already convinced me that tomarrow morning I will be on my own for breakfast as my uncle and aunt have a doctors appointment and I have to stay here to watch my grandmom. So, we have it all planned out. Ill make something for her and me but the dogs will eat mine. So people who don't have eds...that's what we do all day in our heads. We think of things to get out of eating or to run away to purge, then we focus on how we will do it again tomarrow. I think im at a point where I don't even want to argue with ed anymore. He always seems to win and it just exhausts me and makes me feel guilty which is weird because I feel guilty for not doing recovery yet the guilt brings on more ed behaviors. haha.
All I want to is to be normal. I want to be normal with food. And to be okay with my body. I want to think about other things other than calories, and my body. Gosh that makes me sound really vain....
See I come from a family with a lot of problems. My dad is an alcholic, and my sister had an eating disorder (she swicthed from anorexia to binge eating which means "recovered" in my family) and my uncle was big into drugs (and switched to bulimia) Well from my mom there's a lot of pressure on me. Like my sister is "better" and questions me all the time, on why I can't just get better, she got well after she started to lose her hair...well im sorry despite all the problems I have I still cant get better. I'm sorry im not you and those things don't matter to me as much as they meant to you. What is wrong with me??? And my uncle well her got "better" after some tough love from my grandpa (kicked out) and that is exactly what my mom is doing to me, but the thing with ed's...tough love is not the way to go. We already feel worthless, and then you saying that I can't come back home adds to that, and makes me feel like im a burden that even my mom doesn't want me around...it just seems like no matter what is said and done, it's just not the right thing to me...ughh
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