New Year's I'll never forget =/

I am not sure I even want to write this. To open up to everyone in the world. So I might not post this. I know I need to let this out though. Today is my one year of... whatever you even want to call it. I had this little encounter with my friend's boyfriend. Though everyone else tells me it is considered molesatation. I think i keep telling myself that it's not. But I keep randomly spacing out, thinking about it and crying. Which crying lately isn't a new thing for me. I am such a weak person. I thought I was so much stronger than this. Yet I can't control these tears. I can't talk about this, it just makes the tears worse. I mean I am crying writing this but it's different, nobody is listening to me sob while I do. Nobody can see how digusting my face looks right now. My eyes, I think are offically red and swollen from nonstop crying (well non stop since wednesday) I told Kim that I needed to write and of course I don't have my journal...

Anyway, I don't know what is happening to me. I don't know why all these tears are falling out of my eyes out of nowhere for days now. I don't know why/when i lost control over them.

I can't seem to stop thinking about that night. Looking at pictures from that night. Going over and over in my head the conversations we had. How he kept saying, "I don't think you mind" Over and over again when I kept saying no, this isn't okay. But doing nothing, about it, just laying there in the back of his jeep shaking. Shaking from the cold, or shaking from being terrified, i'm not sure which. How he acted like he was curious how my underweight body was different from a healthy body. How he kept fighting with Cassandra about her coming with us to drop me off at home, err well a friend's house (as my mom had already kicked me out by this point), he didn't want her there because of "all the crazy drivers and if something happened, he wouldn't be able to live with it"

<This picture was taken before it happened. I know I should just erase all the pictures I have of that night. Erase the proof. Erase it from memory, but see this is where ed comes in. I was sick, fresh out of treatment (well sort of I got out of Laureate Oct 28th) and relapsed the day I returned home. So from Oct 28th to Dec 31st...you could lose a lot of weight. Anyway, I can't delete this picture because I miss my body. I look "so thin" in them and I need to "look like this again" So I can't. Ed won't let me..Ed won't let me do a lot of things. See in the picture how I am wearing a hoodie, well not just because of the time of year, I always have a hoodie on. Always. Even my sponsor comments on that one. Hoodie's cover me. They cover my fat. People can't see. Which my sponsor says is symbolic for hiding myself. No really, I don't like my body and having a hoodie on helps hide it.

Back on topic, how did I handle tonight? I cried. I wrote, but nothing takes it away... but one thing. ed. So I purged. And I got the relief I wanted. The tears stopped, the memories are vague. I was able to finish writing this without crying. That is what ed does for me. That is why, or a big reason why (as there are many reasons)  that I can't let ed go. He is the ONLY thing that can make something go away. He takes away all the pain and the hurt and the tears. He makes me strong again. He just makes everything okay.

"YOU ARE A FAKER"

People piss me off...which if you know me, you know actaully admitting that I am pissed is a big deal. I don't do anger. My dad was always violent so I connect the two. Therefore I am not allowed to feel any type of anger. Other wise I am just like him. I know I am not a big fan of myself, but I will not let myself be like him. I deserve better...call me selfish but I do. Anyway, anger, don't do it. period. Everyone tells me that I need to work on this "because it's normal to be angry" (which if you haven't noticed...im not "normal"). Okay, well I do get frustrated and annoyed, isn't that a type of anger? Why can't that count? I can't do anger, anytime I feel a slightest hint of it is when I cut myself. I would rather hurt myself than anyone else. I hurt myself anyway.

Anyway, that was off topic. haha Today I got an email saying someone commented on a video of mine on Youtube...So i click on the link (so annoying to do so, by the way if you use your phone) This person "vivvid" says "YOU ARE A FAKER" it was a comment made on a video when I shared my story with my anorexia. Now I try to comment back, saying just how much this comment is screwing with my head to find out that he/she/it has deleted their account or has blocked me...So what the hell was the point? Im not sure. Quite frankly it really pissed me off.  Not only because you are a coward for saying something and then going all out to avoid what reply you know would come. But because I wish I was faking! I wish I could just stop. If i were faking I would be able to stop, but I can't...it is also playing with my head, saying "See you're not thin enough. People think you are lying about your eating disorder. now you really have to prove it to them" GAHHH logically I know I am stuck. I am deeply struggling. Majorly.I even had a brief (BREIF) moment where I realized that I do need to gain weight (then 2 seconds later my theighs gained 20lbs haha) But then a comment like this is made, and everything logical fades and ed takes over. This person I don't even know made me so upset. I took my laxatives out and poured it out into my hand (an amount for overdose). I sat there for a good few mins crying, imagining everyone's reaction then thinking, "It won't kill me and i want to do this right" So i put them back. Not saying this comment got me that depressed, but the fact that my ed is the only thing I am good at, that is mine, and sometimes even at that I fail. Anyway, I knew I needed to do something, and don't ask me how in the world I got away with doing this, but I exercised. Like a lot. few hours worth. Yea right now, I am not suppose to. But I guess that is ed for you, he knows how to be sneaky and get away with things. and if I were caught Im sure he would come up with an excuse (caught at laureate I said, "my back hurts, im just stretching"...yea they didnt fall for it haha) But I was also pissed off because opening up and sharing your story about anything is hard. It takes courage! I don't share with anyone (my mom does it for me haha) but I actaully have only shared with a few people and it took me about 6 months for me to share about a minute in my support group. It's hard. You are opening yourself up. You are vulnerable. You have trust issues than this A-hole makes a comment and its like ok shut out again. I'm being judged. they don't understand. im just crazy.

Oh then my uncle tells me, "negitive calories is a myth" It was on a tv show....well that's just great, tell that to an anorexic who all her "safe foods" are "negitive calories" seriously like why would you tell me that? haha I mean I am glad he did but like aren't I struggling enough already? Now I have to figure out the truth from my nutritionist and if that is the case then I don't know what I will do, I don't know what my "safe foods" would be. I probably wouldn't have any =/

People are idiots. =/

Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements...even if it leads nowhere?

I had a brief moment where I was hidden under blankets sitting next to the vent which heat flowed out off, plus layers on and a cup of hot coco that made me think, "Maybe I do need to gain weight"...Then two seconds later my theighs gained 20lbs. Not literally but it sure does feel like it. I actaully ended up taking my pants off because i couldn't stand the look of my legs in them anymore. And, you know, emotional things come up, ed JUMPS right in to distract you, so i focus on my body and not the problem... I have been an emotional wreck lately. I hate goodbyes and leaving. So I was crying about that and the fact that I am nowhere near where/wanted to be/do with my life.

So today I found out that my sister is pregnant. 3 months. I'm not going to make this about me, but i have to say this one thing...i was home for a week and you couldn't tell me then? you had to wait a day after i left to call? But I refuse REFUSE to not be a part of this baby's life. I want that baby knowing who I am. I want to be there for everything. I already told my sister that I will be watching him/her 24/7 haha. So that gives me 6 more months to convince my mom to let me move back in. it's been a year that I haven't lived there so hopefully it can change.

I also had therapy today. (which not having it in person is very difficult) I took what she said the wrong way.She said, "i didnt mean you have control about that but about the decision to want to go forward and make your health and wellness a priority because that is a mentality, a desire that would allow the attitude of fight and perserverance needed.  as we had said inpast that if you turned all your time, energy, effort and thoughts to that versus maintaining the unhealthy eating behaviors you would surely be on a path to victory!"

So I lashed out (yea i know im doing that a lot lately) and told her, "you know I am trying. It's hard though. I try and take time to go to my appointments to do what jen wants me to do to do what you and joy want me to do but i can't. I cannot control my thoughts they just get louder and louder and wont go away until i listen to them" Then she explained more and at the very end she said, "move forward in a more productive way" So I just stopped. I was getting upset and last night I cried for two hours and I was in no mood to start crying again. She caught on though. Told me to stay connected, distract myself, write, etc.

So I felt this was a nice way of saying, what i am doing to try to get better isn't good enough. I mean i don't know. I know im not in recovery, I am struggling a lot but that doesn't mean i'm not trying. I am trying but it's just hard. and scary. and lonely. I make an effort to call my sponsor everyday. I try to make all my appointments. I have been reaching out during times I want to purge or I am having trouble eating (shout out to Joy and Jill for helping me through those times) I know now, this isn't what she meant, I have made the connection that I was home, and when I am home, I always feel like I am not good enough. That where I am isn't perfect and not where it should be. I always have to do more. Be better. Be stronger. Pretty much be everything BUT me =/

My head is in a cluttered room haha

So as y'all know I am in a frantic mode..

My head is spinning and I can't make it stop. It just goes on and on and on. I feel like I am on the circle thing on the playgrounds that you spin on (kinda like a tea-cup ride but no seats) but only I am standing still...er well trying to.(as I am very fidgety lately) Anyway my head is spinning with constant thoughts that I can't turn off. The list of things I still need to do, where I need to get in my life,where as a 22 year old I should already be at or have in my life,  how to change. eww change =P The things that are wrong with me, the things I still need to work on and process. It just goes on and on. It's not a fun place to be.

I don't want to leave. I don't want to pack. I know this place where I am now isn't good for me but I don't want to leave. I don't want to in a way start all over. Reboot myself. I don't have the energy to. Packing makes everything real. That yet yet again I have to leave home. Who knows when i'll be back. I'm scared. No, I am terrified of change. To change my way of living. This is how I lived for 8 years. That is a long time. I am so accustomed to this way of living and telling me that I need to change when this life has worked for, protected me, is like asking a 5 month old on tying their shoes. They don't know how. They need help. Scared of failing. Scared of disappointing everyone around them (okay well maybe not a 5 month old) That's where I am. I am scared not only of changing but I am scared of the unknown, where this new "life" will take me, where it will lead me, What if it leads to my goals in life, what if it doesn't. What if nobody likes the healthy me, what If I don't. (I already don't like myself so what if that feeling gets worse?) What if my fear of being better and nobody has a reason to care/love me is true? What if I do all this hard work and I relapse. It would all be for nothing. I will be stuck at just the place I am at right now. Yea I know a lot of "what if's" the unknown is a scary place to go. I know that quote, "faith is taking a step even when you don't see the rest of the staircase" But honestly, who in their right mind would take a step when they can't see where they are going? (Favorite quote to my therapist at laureate by the way)

I guess I don't even know what to say. I am confused haha. So I don't even know if I make sense but it makes sense to me. I guess. I guess my point is that I feel like a scared little 14 (yes 14 not 22) year old lost in the dark. I see no light. None. no flicker or dim nothing it's just dark. I am terrified of so many things. Fear of abandonment is def number one tied with fear of change.

Anyway, I just want to give a shout out to my girls...TRINA,JILL, SARAH and MARNIE. I honestly don't know what I would do without you four. I honestly don't know how I did get through before I "met" you. Today was a good wake up call for me. Knowing that I am struggling, knowing that tomarrow is going to be hard and you are all there for me. Nonstop. I don't know how. I know I am a needy person so I don't know how you can be there for me and still be there for you. It amazes me. I have never felt so much love before in my life. Reaching out to me, checking in with me. It's such an amazing feeling, and means more to me than you realize.

Trina just the fact that you are WILLING to get up early in the morning to talk to me, IS HUGE. I feel bad because you really don't have to get up (which still saying that we can talk when you natuarally wake up-no alarm) And then arguing with me when I say no, you need your sleep and saying you don't care.That I am more important than sleep at the moment (the times I was sucidal)  The fact that you allowed me to cry on skype tonight. I don't show my emotion to anyone, seriously the one time I cried in front of Denise I blew it off and looked away and changed subjects. You just let me be (not saying denise wouldn't allow me but I guess i'm still not that comfortable with her yet to do so). Let me cry. It was okay. I always feel like crying makes me this weak person. I can't control my feelings and I am embarrassing myself and making others uncomfortable. But with you it was different. Sure, as you noticed I got embarrassed but you kept saying, "It's okay to cry, it will be okay" So the first time I actaully felt like I had a reason to be allowed to cry that it wouldn't mean that  I am a weak person. It just was it was it was. Like it's normal to cry, like I am not some crazy person. The fact that over and over again you have said to me that you are not going anywhere, even when I try to push you away, you will always have a place in my heart. For you reaching out to me and showing me that you are comfortable with me (examples not shared for your privacy). We just connect and you get me. You totally get me. You make me laugh, and i love that you don't care of being "quirky" How all you want is to be happy and have fun. How giving you are. How you took over my typos (you honestly didn't think I wouldn't throw that in there did ya??? =P)

Jill you just always amazed me. You are such a strong woman. You have so much strength and courage. You are brave and a true inspiration and I am very proud of you. I know I always have you. I can always go to you and even if it's something stupid or small you realize that it's not stupid and small to me, and you listen like actaully listen for hours if that's what I need. Always have a listening ear, and when I get upset and you know it you try to make things better. Tonight, for christ sake you drove out to a mall to have privacy to be able to talk to me! You have texted my sponsor and my uncle when I told you about my sucide attempts not once not  twice, but a lot of times. You are always the one person who checks in with me EVERY SINGLE DAY, everyday. The only one! I love that! How you stayed up past your bedtime to chat with me tonight, how you express when you are worried about me, how you make sure i am safe, how you express your honest opinion and tell me how it is,  how the minute my facial expression changes or if my texting/messaging is delayed  how you ask "is everything ok?, are you okay?"

Sarah you always know how to make me laugh, always bring a smile to my face. It never fails. You are good at distracting me. Checking in with me, reaching out to me, opening up, sharing. And are willing to drive like 2 hours to come see me! My dad won't even do that and you are willing to when you don't even know me in person! How you always have a song to give me to listen for whatever, however I am feeling or struggling with.

Marnie you are always a good support. Always a listening ear. Just tonight, I freaked out and I saw you on and had a little panic attack and you just let me have it and helped me see the positives of things. That some things do suck in my life right now, but to always hold on to hope. "Things always get better, if they don't it's not over yet" (another quote for ya).The fact that you have told me that you take time out of your day to read my blog posts and to listen to a new uploaded video of my singing =)

All of you have showed me that I am cared for, without a doubt I know you all have my back and are all rooting for me and giving me a hand when I fall or catching me when you see me trip. I love you more than you know and more than I can express. Thank you for being there for me

LOVE LOVE LOVE
Stefanie =) (or according to trina "I have to get it right, it would be stef not stefanie" lol)

It's the Holiday Season

Wow, do i have conflicted feelings on the holidays..I know its stressful. Not just for me but for a lot of people. This time of year, everyone is a wreck because it's the time of the year where we have to think of others and not just about ourselves. We are forced to be happy. Then (for me) comments on my body, my food, how i eat, what i eat, how much i eat, etc. And then pictures...oh gosh. everytime I turn around someone wants a picture. Not that  I don't mind but pictures to me are just as torturous as scales.

Today and yesterday were complex is the best word to describe it. Everyone was on my case about eating and eating with me and coming with me to the bathroom (which not sure if I wrote this but I disappeared into a bathroom for like 10 mins to take a breather--not a good idea if you purge) but the good thing around this time is I realize how much my family cares. Not only because they are concerned but because they show it. It was non stop hugging from the min i walked in the door to the min I left. And it felt really good, I know it's just hugs but hugs mean a lot to me when the only hugs I ever get are the ones I get from my nutritionist once a week. And no, I take back the "it's just hugs" Hugs mean a lot to me. It shows people care, and i know im not really a touchy person but getting a hug is very comforting to me. I don't really know how to describe it =/

AS for an update with my dad...I feel guilty because I didn't call him to say happy holidays, but then again, why do I have to do it each year? I mean I know I SHOULD but out off 22 years, he can do it one time right? I am trying to tell myself that it is okay. It's better for me this way, because if I call he will play games with my head, ill get upset and ed and other behaviors will get worse. I haven't talked to him for some time now and even not talking to him is playing the games with my head as you can probably tell, I am going back and forth with my feelings just in the short paragraph =/  

Christmas Eve

I know this time of year I am suppose to be happy and enjoy my family and blah blah blah. But this year I can't be. I can't fake it anymore...look where that has gotten me. It is also hard to deal with family when they have nothing but negitive things to say. I haven't  seen my family in over a year (thanks ed) and tonight we had a family party everyone yes I mean everyone made comments on my body. and how they missed me...yea well last year i was around but nobody wanted me there because of the feeding tube (which I said). Anyway, I thought  I was taking care of myself and I took a breather and walked away...guessing when everyone knows I purge and I disappear into a bathroom isn't a good thing. They sent my mom in to check on me. Needless to say my mom thinks what she wants. I told her the truth that I didnt purge and I didnt cut...yea she did a full blown out body check right there in my aunts bathroom. AWKWARD! I told my mom I was taking care of myself and walked away as I still HATE this body and all the comments were  getting to me. Now she keeps asking do we need to talk about what happened...umm like i said nothing happened i just needed a breather!!! Also at the party..yea I don't drink soda. all they had was soda and diet ice-tea...of course i run to the diet ice tea and my mom just about has a cow. I was like well sorry, i havent drank soda in over 5 yrs and im not going to start now. so that was a problem and my mom also felt the need to stay with me while I ate like for the people who didn't know lets make it obvious to them... Then there is this woman that I went to Renfrew with and my uncle's friend dated her. He told the family, "You know that girl you were in treatment with...they broke up shes problems" I kind of lashed out, I again made a comment about the people there who didnt know about my ed. and how if she is problems then I am problems because we both have the same disease. haha

Anyway I know I haven't updated like I told Denies I would. The last few days here have been rough. My first day here was nothing but comments and questions and lecturing (which denise if you read this...the lock box I told you about....they threw out because I did in fact hide food in it and it started to smell-got a lecture on it) And then I got sick. Like I woke up throwing up, which according to my mom It was ed. not a flu or anything. I didnt have a fever just felt sick and kept throwing up like I couldnt even keep water down. which I think it is normal when you are sick you eat less. well my mom says to me, "well this isn't good for you" Well im sorry I can't help it if im sick...but according to her i wasn't sick i just acted like it so i could purge and restrict...i wish..anyway my mom hides the scale now and shes not very good at it. lol I found it in the garage and i have been obsessing over it. I freaked out on my nutritionist saying, "All ive been doing for a day is following your meal plan, and I gained three pounds" I checked the next day and I lost two, so i guess it was just water retention or something so i apologized. I don't want to gain. I dont need to gain. so its not happening....

Day One- oh gosh

I'm not exactly sure on how I am suppose to last a full week here  when after not even a full day I am about to explode...My mom came in and wanted to weigh me right away. Which I was expecting and she wouldn't let me see it. I kinda of freaked out, saying that Joy lets me see it. She said "Well I don't know that for sure" So she weighs me then I say my weight, asking her if it's the same. She says "Well all scales are different" So then I asked does that mean my weight is higher???? She refused to tell me that too so I am totally freaking out. I also feel like I am getting lecture after lecture. Like how my jeans fit, and how even though I don't think it's neccessary but others do think I need to gain weight (apparently everyone in my family are doctors) And they ask, "how are you" I say good, then they say, "How are you really??" UHH I SAID IM GOOD DIDN"T I???

I was also suppose to get my recovery tattoo while I am here to help me embrace my recovery and to give me motivation. Yea, as of right now that isn't happening...they want me to be in recovery for a year before I get it. DUDE for real, I am paying for it and I want it now for different reasons. Let me do what I want with MYYYYYY goddamn body. Im 22. stop making decisions for me!

Then I have my snack which everyone was like "what are you eating?" So i felt like I had to, then its "well you still need another meal today" OK well I just ate like 3 hours ago I am so not hungry for a meal I am still full beyond my comfortable limit. Plus it's getting late and I don't want another meal now. My body won't be able to digest it. OMG it's only been a few hours and  Iwant to act out, either ed wise or SI or something. I need to do something. I want to talk to someone but I can't as everyone would listen to my conversation argg I just want to crawl in a ball and cry in my room (which they had no problem taking all my stuff out of and making it a storage rom-yea not coming home anytime soon.I want to even though I feel like way, but maybe it's just the area I want to be in I hate the moutains) OHHH and in the car ride here, I was sliding all over the place, my sister says, "Jesus, you don't have enough body weight to even stay still in the car?" UMMM how about you try staying completely still when you are turning and sitting on a leather sit. GOSH. yup this is the reason why I feel like I am nothing but my ed...just saying

take a deep breath and let it ALLL out =p

I feel like I am always put on the back burner...I mean it's okay at times, I shrug it off and try to move on. But you know that quote, "treat others how you want to be treated" lame, i know but....

I don't know, i would like to know someone is there to listen to me. I mean no matter what is going on in my life, i ALWAYS find a way to stop and listen when someone needs/wants to vent to me. I know I am a needy person in general but right now...I am more needy than usual. I blame it on stress and the holidays but my life right now isn't exactly chaotic free.  I feel like I am always giving but never getting anything in return. Not that I expect anything in return but i would like the feeling that I have someone (not on my team) that I can go to anytime. And I also know that a lot of people who have ed's are struggling right now. So I think everyone needs to reach out more but everyone is worried about triggering others so they isolate and struggle on their own...i mean don't get me wrong. I am by no means not struggling I am and i am reaching out but i guess im just at a point where it's "why bother??"

I also feel like I always set myself up to get hurt. Give myself an excuse to make it okay to be in ed...like if im hurt its okay and expected of me to go back to ed. so i don't know. I guess ed is talking right now haha. (which I was talking to someone last night and they said, "Oh stefanie isn't talking, hello ed" hahah) but back to topic...someone who I felt like abandoned me/left me/hurt me came back in my life. I know it was my decision and I feel like I let people walk all over me but I feel like I can't say no because what if they need someone and im the only one around for them even though they weren't there for me when I needed it the most. Which she explained her situation and I totalllyyyy understand where she is coming from but its like "you had no problem leaving before, what will make you stay this time...nothing, it's just a matter of time" I think i might be setting myself up to get hurt, even though I know what I think doesn't mean it will happen...

Today I seemed to be stuck in my past. i was at work and I cried. Out of nowhere. All I could think about was about my ex and that whole drama and about my dad, and about Cole. I seem to beat myself up quite a bit. If it's my fault or not. I beat myself up. Like my ex...didn't know about it...i'm stupid. My dad...i'm stupid (keep going back to him) cole...i'm stupid. I let it happen. That is something Joy asks me everytime I see her, "Are you in the past, present or future" Most of the time I say "Past" Im not sure why I just cant let things go, why I have to hold on to them and torture myself with maybe giving myself excuses for ed, but like the abuse from my dad happened a long time ago so I should be able to let go of it now...and everything is my fault...i did something to get the abuse. I didn't pay attention to realize what was happening with Art and Cole. It's all my fault and im stupid (see-beating myself up yet again)

I also had to pack today and it took me a good 4-5 hours to find 7 outfits that don't make me look fat. And I thought of a way to be sneaky...I can't not have my laxatives. (yes I think I am addicted to them) so I took them out and put them in my mulit-vitamin container so im safe there. I also brought my colace which might be a problem and i dont use them like I use my laxatives so maybe ill leave them behind but then i have to find a place to put them so i know they will still be here for when i get back. Considering you can tell its two different pills I can't have them in the same container as my mom will look..Arggg i wish my head would just shut up sometimes...this is what it does all day, everyday. PLAN EVERYTHING OUT TO BE SICK...who does that? who constantly thinks about ways to restrict, purge, exercise, hide laxatives, etc. it's exhausting!

Now, my g-mom...she is 86, has altimzers, and I know her life is coming to an end. Things are getting pretty bad with her and I honestly don't know how I am going to handle it when it does. Well, I do-ed will help me through it. But last night, she woke up crying, not knowing where she was or who my uncle (HER SON) was. It took quite a bit of convincing and year dates to make things okay. then she cried because she felt guilt and stupid. It's such a hard life to go through, on both ends. Most of time she is happy and just forgets things but when she's not in a good emotional state is when things get hard. Like her crying...how are you suppose to help someone feel better when they believe something else is true. Like last week, she was crying saying "everyone is leaving but me" WHO? who was leaving? where? OR the time she swore she was on a boat and talking to 3 kids on the floor? I mean I dont want to say, "yea that's not where we are, and those kids aren't there", I would imagine that would make her feel stupid and upset. So how does one handle this???
if anyone has experience, suggestions, etc please let me know...

Clearly, it's me

Well comments are hard to deal with. I'm not sure why my body has become everyone's concern. It's actaully very frustrating. I hate doing blind weigh-ins(which luckily Joy lets me see my weight) and I hate treatment because I don't think it's fair that everyone gets to know my weight but me. it's my body. it should be my bussiness not the rest of the world's... anyway I thought of this because i got some comments today. That I am "scary skinny" then I got "You look sick, like a model but not like skeltal sick" so that has been majorly playing with my head.Then I said, "So I look healthy" She replied, "I didn't say healthy, you're not, you have bags under your eyes, you're extremely pale, you legs at sticks (yea not so much if you saw me in person) but you are beautiful" Well 1. thanks for pointing out the things that make me look like shit but 2. you consider that beauty? If that is beauty than we have a very sick idea of beauty in this society. Mind you though, this comment was made by another girl who has an ED.  Makes me feel like I am not thin enough, that i look fat. See comments...hmm comments. No matter what is said it just won't be taken the way it was meant. Ed tends to turn things around. a lot. Like" if someone comments on my hair-it means that i got so fat that the only thing they can comment on is my hair" (jenni schaefer), so literally every comment that is made is somehow turned into how fat I am.


Another thing that has been bothering me lately is yet again my dad. I know it's been a while since my birthday and I need to get over my dad not wishing me a happy birthday, but today my grandmom got a christmas card from him. that makes me sad for two reasons...1. He couldnt send his daughter one-who lives at the same address (so yes again- he doesnt want me in his life for something I did...) and 2. my Grandmom who is 86, was crying for about half of the day. Because (since I moved in) hasnt called her or seen her. So it's been a few months. And I was crying to my uncle saying he doesn't speak to his mom, because he doesn't want to deal with me. He says it's not my fault that things were kinda of like this before I moved in. I said, well maybe, but he at least called her once a week and now he doesn't, and my uncle and him don't speak. So me moving in caused a ruined relationship between two brothers and between a mother and his son...my uncle tells me that I cant take on this blame. But  it happened because of me...see my dad doesnt talk to my uncle because "he went behind his back and spoke to his ex" Which my uncle says, "Well no I talked to your daughter's mother to see how she is doing and to know what to expect when she moves in here, like how bad she is, if she still has the tube in, etc I know she is sick, but no matter how bad she is, I am not allowing her to live on the streets(as that was the option my mom gave me because she didnt want to watch me kill myself anymore)"

I know it's not really my blame to take, but it's hard not to. Not only because I take blame for everything but because of the evidence, how are you going to tell me that it's not me when clearly, it is...

as if I didn't have enough mind games going on...

I hate talking. No, I actaully like talking...I don't like talking to people. You can't trust them. That's sad to say. Everything  I say is turned around one way or another. And it always bites me in the butt. I have a few examples to share that just happened this past week.

1. I was on the phone with my sponsor and insurance (this is the reason why I refuse to do a phone session with Denise) and I said something to my sponsor as I am 100% honest with her and it's like freedom to talk about what goes through my ed without being judged. So I said something about last christmas I had the feeding tube in and this year I feel like I have to be either just as sick or perfect in recovery. And my uncle overheard and saw me restricting that night, and said something like you know, you don't have to be just as sick, and i hope you aren't doing that...."ummm did you not hear the other part of the converstation??? Yes I actaully said that-seems like i am always lashing out on my uncle...

Then when I was on the phone with trying to get insurance...they asked where I would like my weight to be...and again my uncle overheard and took that as my current weight and told my mom...well im not that weigth and my mom is now freaking out saying im extremely underweight again, and the weight that my DR.MOM wants me to be at. So now im stressing about going home. I will be weighed and either way I feel like im screwed because I have lost weight since my  last visit home so that won't be good and it means i have to somehow figure a balance while i am home so i don't lose nor gain because she will keep tabs on it for my week long stay...then I feel like now i have to be at this weight, because she is expecting it and when she see's that i'm not ...comments might be said-like how im not that bad off as she thought and well ed will have a field day with that.

Then I was talking to my aunt about going home, I feel like it's a test. A step closer to me seeing if I can do it and go home soon. My aunt also mentioned how I won't eat if its not served to me (but umm again not accurate  I serve my own snacks just not meals) and how much I drink in a day which my mom says is excessive but she forgot to mention that my uncle is breathing down my back the entire day making sure i am hydrated. (as my seizures and passing out are back)

I don't know. I just feel like some of the info is not accurate and I was already stressing over this visit home and this just doesn't help relax me and I want to be able to enjoy this visit. I mean i know I will still be stressed as it is christmas + food +family but i just wish some things were left alone. You know? I hate being talked about. It plays games with my head.

Explain Yourself!!

I feel like I am constantly getting mixed messages. It's confusing when I don't know what someone wants but it's more confusing when it relates back to me...like my uncle for example. He tells me that he wants me to talk more. To let him share some of what is going on in my head. To let him know when I am struggling and when I do...nothing...Like today I shared how much I am struggling and NOTHING. not one word. mute. So I started going into my own world and he got mad...I was like "Well, your not saying anything in response, So Im not going to waste my breath to someone who isn't listening, or doesn't want to" He said he just didnt know what to say...but still I mean  I understand that, but say SOMTHING. ANYTHING im opening up and i would like to know that im being heard.

It seems like my uncle is always the target when my ed comes out. Like the other day, He was standing over me watching me make my breakfast and I lashed out, "What are you just going to stand there and watch me?" He walked away and I felt bad, so i explained that I felt like I was being watched to see how much I am CHOOSING to eat, and how he thinks of how huge I am or whatever and he told me " no if anything I want you to add this in your meal too"

That't one thing I hate about this...To feel like I always have to explain myself. My actions. My thoughts. I want to be understood and it's exhausting always telling people why you do the things you do or how you feel or think...umm i just do i don't know. Then I explain and I feel stupid because i know I make no sense whatsoever. Then I feel judged and yea see ED's are complex to say the least, and it's frustrating to think about the things that I have done or said, and it's like "did I really?" but when you do it it just feels natural...like when I was at Laureate I would purge in a plastic bag and empty it in the morning when I was allowed showers, or I would claim the meds made me sick or that the other girl who was sick got me sick. I hid food (even messy foods) in my pockets I would wear tons of layers to meet my weight. LIKE I WAS/AM crazy and I know this and I know my thinking  is insane. Like I try to explain how I feel like if I get my period then that means my body has enough fat for it to be working the way that it should. it means im fat...yes I know it's irrational but it's a big belief that ed tells me and its hard..like I know it's not true but you still believe it anyway. Even writing this I feel like I will be judged differently but honestly...this is my blog and it's for my purposes not yours...who knows im just going on and on and nobody even reads this. =)

How Isn't It??

I had Joy today, and if you have been reading this, you know I have been struggling with depression...Feeling alone. Not cared about. It seems to be a theme/topic with everyone in my life right now, for those who have stayed thus far. Anyway, somehow we started talking in my session about people caring about me (again not sure how that is connected with my food intake haha) And she must have sensed something, because she said, "How are you going to sit there and say that Denise and I don't care?" Kinda got defensive, which coming from her I completely understand. So I told her, " I know you care, you actaully want something to do with me, I feel like you care about me and not the money, it's denise who I don't think does" (sorry denise if you read this) I explained how I feel like she wants nothing to do with me, unless it's our appointed time. She told me its all about boundries but Nutritionists are different because its medical so you can text a doctor when you have a fever (like texting joy when i want to purge or restrict) but I cant text a therapist when i have a fever...which I understand that but I would like to know that if I needed it she would be there for me and be less concerned for the boundries. Seems like I am picking fights lately, I think, honestly, I am pushing people away...like one person I keep fighting with is very close to me and I would die if she left so it sucks but it would hurt less if i pushed her away rather than her leaving. Which she says she doesnt want to and won't...but how many times have I heard that from how many people before???so it's kind of hard to believe. I was fine tonight, until two people contacted me and confronted this past situation. Made me start thinking about all the people who are/had leaving/left. Saying it's not me, but, if you read this here is what goes through my head...

1. So many people left, and keep leaving ME, so how is it NOT me???

2. It's always the people you expect more/better from. The ones who you think will always be there

3. Something is wrong with me. 

4. what do I keep doing to make everyone leave? what did I say? what did I do?

as you can see, and i know people are trying to convince me otherwise, but let's be real. If people (PLURAL) keep leaving one person, how is it not them? It just doesnt make sense...Why would so many people leave if there was nothing wrong with you?

Christ, my dad left me. Tell me nothing is wrong with me as a person when my own father left me, wants nothing to do with me. What kind of parent wants nothing to do with their child? So therefore it has be me...yes I know I am stuck in the past and everything I connect back to it but it's hard not to. It's easier I guess for me to think it's me. When I talked to Joy today, I told her how I deserve punishment. I deserve pain and hurt. It's what has been and when I don't have it something is not right. But it's easier I guess for ed. It gives me an excuse...Like ED is the one thing that hasnt left. Ed is what gives me my punishment. Because im in pain, im allowed to have ED, im allowed to have something wrong with me....(though ed I don't think is what is wrong with me-there has to be something else something about me- literally me not my own struggles) 

I swear I have a stamp on my head that says "im stupid" or something because people don't think I have a brain. They don't think I can put two and two together. Just and FYI I'm not stupid. My education was always number one in my life. Always the thing I was good at, what I worked my butt off on. What I am proud of. THE ONE THING I AM PROUD OF  I was in honor, and AP classes with straight A's and awards and such, and it is extremely disrespectful to me when you think I won't figure things out. So stop giving me excuses and lies, because I know exactly what is going on....

Anyway I thought writing it would help release some of whatever is going on, but it seems to only be intensifying it, so off to exercising and bed

The glass is half full...umm no mine is empty =/

Were you ever in a crowd and felt so alone? That's how I feel...all the time. I feel like people are there but when you need them the most, that's when they aren't. It's like a facade. A mask.  They want to be there but when things get serious they get scared and run. and it sucks for the person that they are running from...i know...

The other night, ok well last night I was sucidal and I counted on a friend that I know I shouldn't count on right now considering she is trying to stay in recovery but I know she cares...and I felt like I was blown off. She said she had to go to bed. Which is fine I understand you have to take care of yourself, but if I was on the other end, I would try to stay up if it meant keeping someone that i care about alive, or I would tell someone else to talk to them or do something not just walk away from it. 

I don't know, maybe it's just because it's the holiday season and its always harder this time of year. Anxiety goes up, depression goes up. 

But I feel like everyone is leaving. Everytime I turn around another person is gone, and It's hard not to take personal...I know some say it's not me, and give me an excuse that just doesn't add up. And after a while, after a certain number of people leaving, how do you not think its NOT you? I know I like to take blame for everything that isn't mine to take so it always comes down to "what did I do? or say?" to make them go away. Kinda a curse from being abused as a child, always thinking that someone else's reactions or emotions or whatever is somehow connected back to you...

I would like to have the feeling that if I needed it, someone would be willing to stay up with me all night if it meant keeping me alive. But I don't,  Maybe that is too much to ask for, because people need to sleep, but just to have the feeling that someone would be okay with me...

Who's in the driver seat???

Try having therapy online....I wasn't able to go in person and my therapist doesn't think that I am in a place where I can stop therapy. Well it didn't really feel like therapy. and it was way to distracting. I could check my mail, I could check my facebook, I can blog (yes therapy is going on) haha

Anyway I shared about how I feel like Im stuck. Like Joy shared a story with me, about falling in a hole. 1. you dont see it and you fall in and it takes long to get out. 2. you see it but fall in anyway, and it still takes time to get out. 3. you take a step to the side and still fall in and it takes a while to get out. 4. you walk on another road.

The point of me sharing this is I'm not sure where I am, but I know I keep falling in the hole over and over again and Im just trying to get out. The hole being ed...I know I have people who are trying to pull me out everytime but i feel like its just pointless right now because I will just fall in again. so why waste the energy?

I had a comment that made me feel like I was not sick enough today. It was about spiraling down and not being at the bottom and I explained how much I am restricting and then that person got "concerned" with my levels of restricting. I kind of freaked out saying that I have lost weight and you just cant tell-obviously ed jumped in the drivers seat....  I think this picture you can see that I am sick.Or rather, that I am struggling, but I still think I look healthy. and yet, I am obsessing over it I can't stop looking at it and where I can lose more weight at (stomach, theighs, arms, face, butt). Though everyone who has seen this is concerned and says I am now "scary skinny" which I dont, or ed, I don't know doesn't think this is true.

I am chalk, but I was only drawn to be washed away.

So I was asked to do an update. Which I know it's been a while. I didn't even think people actaully read this. So that was somewhat comforting to hear people care what I think or need to say, but also embarrassing on what I wrote about...Anyway,

I have been having ups and downs.  A lot of them. My birthday week was horrible. I felt like I was attacked in every aspect and by everyday. I was criticized for what I do or what I say. What I think. It was another year, offically that I did nothing with my life. So I cut, and then I cried because it was my birthday and I had to cut. The thing that hurt me the most and I don't mean to sound vain, and like "it's my birthday, pay attention to me" type of thing. But my dad didn't wish me a happy birthday. no card. no phone call. not even a text. Which it has been 10days since my birthday and I am still crying about it. I don't know what I did for him to not care about me, for people not to think of my feelings like I think of theirs. Everything I do is to please others and not myself. I don't say what I want to say so they are happy. Hell I even went to a college to make my mom happy, rather than the college I wanted to go to. So I just don't get it. I know I have "blame" issues. I take a lot of blame for things that aren't my fault but I just can't wrap my head around this one. When I was youger he hit me, then he couldnt anymore and he left...and my sister was of age and could go with me, and i couldn't. I was left in the dust. I was the one forgotten. The one who nobody cared how it would effect me. Anyway, I just wish I knew, so I could fix it. I could make myself the person he wants to have as a child, I can do that and then he will love me, and I will just have to learn to love that person. I mean it shouldn't be hard to put on yet another mask, right?

So I am going home for a week. Holidays are blessings but curses. I mean I am beyond excited to go home, I haven't been there since last christmas and I had a feeding tube in. but I am also nervous.I havent seen my family in a year thanks to treatment. And I feel like I have to 1.Be perfect in recovery. or 2. prove to them that I am still sick (eventhough I am not as thin and I dont have a tube). And the pressure to eat what everyone else eats is terrifying to me. and everyone watching me and judging me. its just uncomforatable to eat in front of others. I know holidays aren't about food but it sure seems like it,. Thanksgiving I hid in my room all day just because I couldn't handle it. It's not that I dont want to be with everyone and enjoying them and the time and everything its just I can't. I can't. the entire time I am thinking of what they are thinking about me, they are staring at my plate wondering if I will really eat this or that. How thin or fat I am. It's just a constant battle. Anyway when I go home, I will be on my own for most of the day, which means I am on my own for my meals. which I also havent served myself in a year. Childish I know, but I just can't because again, everyone is watching how much I choose to eat or what to eat. and I don't deserve to...and ed says, "it's a free pass, you will be able to restrict all week long and lose a lot of weight" which is tempting but I think it's a test or something like my mom set up a video camera or something to see if I actaully eat or not. So I told Joy (nutritionist) and we set up a plan and its a lot of food. Like normal I guess but a lot for me. Like 3 meals, and a snack. When I (IF I) eat is one(170-200cal) -two meals(400-500cal) (lately one because I havent been purging (up until last night) so Ive been restircting more (average 200 calories) and she gave me example of what I can eat and I kinda of freaked out on her, but I still LOVE her. Like the other night I wanted to purge when I havent in a week and she texted for 40mins or so to help me, which it work, but then the next night I felt bad and like I couldnt text her again and was on my own and after a week I purged again. Which I feel guilty about it, and like Ive failed. Like I can't even go longer than a week without do it, but it also felt good. not  that throwing up makes me feel good, but the control it gives me. And I feel like I am back on the slide. not that I was ever off it- I guess if you considering my restricing but not purging for me is HUGE. I just feel like I can't stop again. I don't know.

I know people say it's not you, it your disease. But I (ME) is the one doing the actions sure, it might not be my own thoughts even though they are in my head but I am the one who chooses to hide my food in my bag or to shove my finger down my throat.. nobody else does that for me. I DO it.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. and if you do actaully read this and read the whole thing, I am sorry I bore you but hey you survive I guess hahaha