as if I didn't have enough mind games going on...

I hate talking. No, I actaully like talking...I don't like talking to people. You can't trust them. That's sad to say. Everything  I say is turned around one way or another. And it always bites me in the butt. I have a few examples to share that just happened this past week.

1. I was on the phone with my sponsor and insurance (this is the reason why I refuse to do a phone session with Denise) and I said something to my sponsor as I am 100% honest with her and it's like freedom to talk about what goes through my ed without being judged. So I said something about last christmas I had the feeding tube in and this year I feel like I have to be either just as sick or perfect in recovery. And my uncle overheard and saw me restricting that night, and said something like you know, you don't have to be just as sick, and i hope you aren't doing that...."ummm did you not hear the other part of the converstation??? Yes I actaully said that-seems like i am always lashing out on my uncle...

Then when I was on the phone with trying to get insurance...they asked where I would like my weight to be...and again my uncle overheard and took that as my current weight and told my mom...well im not that weigth and my mom is now freaking out saying im extremely underweight again, and the weight that my DR.MOM wants me to be at. So now im stressing about going home. I will be weighed and either way I feel like im screwed because I have lost weight since my  last visit home so that won't be good and it means i have to somehow figure a balance while i am home so i don't lose nor gain because she will keep tabs on it for my week long stay...then I feel like now i have to be at this weight, because she is expecting it and when she see's that i'm not ...comments might be said-like how im not that bad off as she thought and well ed will have a field day with that.

Then I was talking to my aunt about going home, I feel like it's a test. A step closer to me seeing if I can do it and go home soon. My aunt also mentioned how I won't eat if its not served to me (but umm again not accurate  I serve my own snacks just not meals) and how much I drink in a day which my mom says is excessive but she forgot to mention that my uncle is breathing down my back the entire day making sure i am hydrated. (as my seizures and passing out are back)

I don't know. I just feel like some of the info is not accurate and I was already stressing over this visit home and this just doesn't help relax me and I want to be able to enjoy this visit. I mean i know I will still be stressed as it is christmas + food +family but i just wish some things were left alone. You know? I hate being talked about. It plays games with my head.