So I was asked to do an update. Which I know it's been a while. I didn't even think people actaully read this. So that was somewhat comforting to hear people care what I think or need to say, but also embarrassing on what I wrote about...Anyway,
I have been having ups and downs. A lot of them. My birthday week was horrible. I felt like I was attacked in every aspect and by everyday. I was criticized for what I do or what I say. What I think. It was another year, offically that I did nothing with my life. So I cut, and then I cried because it was my birthday and I had to cut. The thing that hurt me the most and I don't mean to sound vain, and like "it's my birthday, pay attention to me" type of thing. But my dad didn't wish me a happy birthday. no card. no phone call. not even a text. Which it has been 10days since my birthday and I am still crying about it. I don't know what I did for him to not care about me, for people not to think of my feelings like I think of theirs. Everything I do is to please others and not myself. I don't say what I want to say so they are happy. Hell I even went to a college to make my mom happy, rather than the college I wanted to go to. So I just don't get it. I know I have "blame" issues. I take a lot of blame for things that aren't my fault but I just can't wrap my head around this one. When I was youger he hit me, then he couldnt anymore and he left...and my sister was of age and could go with me, and i couldn't. I was left in the dust. I was the one forgotten. The one who nobody cared how it would effect me. Anyway, I just wish I knew, so I could fix it. I could make myself the person he wants to have as a child, I can do that and then he will love me, and I will just have to learn to love that person. I mean it shouldn't be hard to put on yet another mask, right?
So I am going home for a week. Holidays are blessings but curses. I mean I am beyond excited to go home, I haven't been there since last christmas and I had a feeding tube in. but I am also nervous.I havent seen my family in a year thanks to treatment. And I feel like I have to 1.Be perfect in recovery. or 2. prove to them that I am still sick (eventhough I am not as thin and I dont have a tube). And the pressure to eat what everyone else eats is terrifying to me. and everyone watching me and judging me. its just uncomforatable to eat in front of others. I know holidays aren't about food but it sure seems like it,. Thanksgiving I hid in my room all day just because I couldn't handle it. It's not that I dont want to be with everyone and enjoying them and the time and everything its just I can't. I can't. the entire time I am thinking of what they are thinking about me, they are staring at my plate wondering if I will really eat this or that. How thin or fat I am. It's just a constant battle. Anyway when I go home, I will be on my own for most of the day, which means I am on my own for my meals. which I also havent served myself in a year. Childish I know, but I just can't because again, everyone is watching how much I choose to eat or what to eat. and I don't deserve to...and ed says, "it's a free pass, you will be able to restrict all week long and lose a lot of weight" which is tempting but I think it's a test or something like my mom set up a video camera or something to see if I actaully eat or not. So I told Joy (nutritionist) and we set up a plan and its a lot of food. Like normal I guess but a lot for me. Like 3 meals, and a snack. When I (IF I) eat is one(170-200cal) -two meals(400-500cal) (lately one because I havent been purging (up until last night) so Ive been restircting more (average 200 calories) and she gave me example of what I can eat and I kinda of freaked out on her, but I still LOVE her. Like the other night I wanted to purge when I havent in a week and she texted for 40mins or so to help me, which it work, but then the next night I felt bad and like I couldnt text her again and was on my own and after a week I purged again. Which I feel guilty about it, and like Ive failed. Like I can't even go longer than a week without do it, but it also felt good. not that throwing up makes me feel good, but the control it gives me. And I feel like I am back on the slide. not that I was ever off it- I guess if you considering my restricing but not purging for me is HUGE. I just feel like I can't stop again. I don't know.
I know people say it's not you, it your disease. But I (ME) is the one doing the actions sure, it might not be my own thoughts even though they are in my head but I am the one who chooses to hide my food in my bag or to shove my finger down my throat.. nobody else does that for me. I DO it.
Anyway, that's where I am right now. and if you do actaully read this and read the whole thing, I am sorry I bore you but hey you survive I guess hahaha
No comments:
Post a Comment