Well comments are hard to deal with. I'm not sure why my body has become everyone's concern. It's actaully very frustrating. I hate doing blind weigh-ins(which luckily Joy lets me see my weight) and I hate treatment because I don't think it's fair that everyone gets to know my weight but me. it's my body. it should be my bussiness not the rest of the world's... anyway I thought of this because i got some comments today. That I am "scary skinny" then I got "You look sick, like a model but not like skeltal sick" so that has been majorly playing with my head.Then I said, "So I look healthy" She replied, "I didn't say healthy, you're not, you have bags under your eyes, you're extremely pale, you legs at sticks (yea not so much if you saw me in person) but you are beautiful" Well 1. thanks for pointing out the things that make me look like shit but 2. you consider that beauty? If that is beauty than we have a very sick idea of beauty in this society. Mind you though, this comment was made by another girl who has an ED. Makes me feel like I am not thin enough, that i look fat. See comments...hmm comments. No matter what is said it just won't be taken the way it was meant. Ed tends to turn things around. a lot. Like" if someone comments on my hair-it means that i got so fat that the only thing they can comment on is my hair" (jenni schaefer), so literally every comment that is made is somehow turned into how fat I am.
Another thing that has been bothering me lately is yet again my dad. I know it's been a while since my birthday and I need to get over my dad not wishing me a happy birthday, but today my grandmom got a christmas card from him. that makes me sad for two reasons...1. He couldnt send his daughter one-who lives at the same address (so yes again- he doesnt want me in his life for something I did...) and 2. my Grandmom who is 86, was crying for about half of the day. Because (since I moved in) hasnt called her or seen her. So it's been a few months. And I was crying to my uncle saying he doesn't speak to his mom, because he doesn't want to deal with me. He says it's not my fault that things were kinda of like this before I moved in. I said, well maybe, but he at least called her once a week and now he doesn't, and my uncle and him don't speak. So me moving in caused a ruined relationship between two brothers and between a mother and his son...my uncle tells me that I cant take on this blame. But it happened because of me...see my dad doesnt talk to my uncle because "he went behind his back and spoke to his ex" Which my uncle says, "Well no I talked to your daughter's mother to see how she is doing and to know what to expect when she moves in here, like how bad she is, if she still has the tube in, etc I know she is sick, but no matter how bad she is, I am not allowing her to live on the streets(as that was the option my mom gave me because she didnt want to watch me kill myself anymore)"
I know it's not really my blame to take, but it's hard not to. Not only because I take blame for everything but because of the evidence, how are you going to tell me that it's not me when clearly, it is...
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