The glass is half full...umm no mine is empty =/

Were you ever in a crowd and felt so alone? That's how I feel...all the time. I feel like people are there but when you need them the most, that's when they aren't. It's like a facade. A mask.  They want to be there but when things get serious they get scared and run. and it sucks for the person that they are running from...i know...

The other night, ok well last night I was sucidal and I counted on a friend that I know I shouldn't count on right now considering she is trying to stay in recovery but I know she cares...and I felt like I was blown off. She said she had to go to bed. Which is fine I understand you have to take care of yourself, but if I was on the other end, I would try to stay up if it meant keeping someone that i care about alive, or I would tell someone else to talk to them or do something not just walk away from it. 

I don't know, maybe it's just because it's the holiday season and its always harder this time of year. Anxiety goes up, depression goes up. 

But I feel like everyone is leaving. Everytime I turn around another person is gone, and It's hard not to take personal...I know some say it's not me, and give me an excuse that just doesn't add up. And after a while, after a certain number of people leaving, how do you not think its NOT you? I know I like to take blame for everything that isn't mine to take so it always comes down to "what did I do? or say?" to make them go away. Kinda a curse from being abused as a child, always thinking that someone else's reactions or emotions or whatever is somehow connected back to you...

I would like to have the feeling that if I needed it, someone would be willing to stay up with me all night if it meant keeping me alive. But I don't,  Maybe that is too much to ask for, because people need to sleep, but just to have the feeling that someone would be okay with me...