I feel like I am always put on the back burner...I mean it's okay at times, I shrug it off and try to move on. But you know that quote, "treat others how you want to be treated" lame, i know but....
I don't know, i would like to know someone is there to listen to me. I mean no matter what is going on in my life, i ALWAYS find a way to stop and listen when someone needs/wants to vent to me. I know I am a needy person in general but right now...I am more needy than usual. I blame it on stress and the holidays but my life right now isn't exactly chaotic free. I feel like I am always giving but never getting anything in return. Not that I expect anything in return but i would like the feeling that I have someone (not on my team) that I can go to anytime. And I also know that a lot of people who have ed's are struggling right now. So I think everyone needs to reach out more but everyone is worried about triggering others so they isolate and struggle on their own...i mean don't get me wrong. I am by no means not struggling I am and i am reaching out but i guess im just at a point where it's "why bother??"
I also feel like I always set myself up to get hurt. Give myself an excuse to make it okay to be in ed...like if im hurt its okay and expected of me to go back to ed. so i don't know. I guess ed is talking right now haha. (which I was talking to someone last night and they said, "Oh stefanie isn't talking, hello ed" hahah) but back to topic...someone who I felt like abandoned me/left me/hurt me came back in my life. I know it was my decision and I feel like I let people walk all over me but I feel like I can't say no because what if they need someone and im the only one around for them even though they weren't there for me when I needed it the most. Which she explained her situation and I totalllyyyy understand where she is coming from but its like "you had no problem leaving before, what will make you stay this time...nothing, it's just a matter of time" I think i might be setting myself up to get hurt, even though I know what I think doesn't mean it will happen...
Today I seemed to be stuck in my past. i was at work and I cried. Out of nowhere. All I could think about was about my ex and that whole drama and about my dad, and about Cole. I seem to beat myself up quite a bit. If it's my fault or not. I beat myself up. Like my ex...didn't know about it...i'm stupid. My dad...i'm stupid (keep going back to him) cole...i'm stupid. I let it happen. That is something Joy asks me everytime I see her, "Are you in the past, present or future" Most of the time I say "Past" Im not sure why I just cant let things go, why I have to hold on to them and torture myself with maybe giving myself excuses for ed, but like the abuse from my dad happened a long time ago so I should be able to let go of it now...and everything is my fault...i did something to get the abuse. I didn't pay attention to realize what was happening with Art and Cole. It's all my fault and im stupid (see-beating myself up yet again)
I also had to pack today and it took me a good 4-5 hours to find 7 outfits that don't make me look fat. And I thought of a way to be sneaky...I can't not have my laxatives. (yes I think I am addicted to them) so I took them out and put them in my mulit-vitamin container so im safe there. I also brought my colace which might be a problem and i dont use them like I use my laxatives so maybe ill leave them behind but then i have to find a place to put them so i know they will still be here for when i get back. Considering you can tell its two different pills I can't have them in the same container as my mom will look..Arggg i wish my head would just shut up sometimes...this is what it does all day, everyday. PLAN EVERYTHING OUT TO BE SICK...who does that? who constantly thinks about ways to restrict, purge, exercise, hide laxatives, etc. it's exhausting!
Now, my g-mom...she is 86, has altimzers, and I know her life is coming to an end. Things are getting pretty bad with her and I honestly don't know how I am going to handle it when it does. Well, I do-ed will help me through it. But last night, she woke up crying, not knowing where she was or who my uncle (HER SON) was. It took quite a bit of convincing and year dates to make things okay. then she cried because she felt guilt and stupid. It's such a hard life to go through, on both ends. Most of time she is happy and just forgets things but when she's not in a good emotional state is when things get hard. Like her crying...how are you suppose to help someone feel better when they believe something else is true. Like last week, she was crying saying "everyone is leaving but me" WHO? who was leaving? where? OR the time she swore she was on a boat and talking to 3 kids on the floor? I mean I dont want to say, "yea that's not where we are, and those kids aren't there", I would imagine that would make her feel stupid and upset. So how does one handle this???
if anyone has experience, suggestions, etc please let me know...
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