Explain Yourself!!

I feel like I am constantly getting mixed messages. It's confusing when I don't know what someone wants but it's more confusing when it relates back to me...like my uncle for example. He tells me that he wants me to talk more. To let him share some of what is going on in my head. To let him know when I am struggling and when I do...nothing...Like today I shared how much I am struggling and NOTHING. not one word. mute. So I started going into my own world and he got mad...I was like "Well, your not saying anything in response, So Im not going to waste my breath to someone who isn't listening, or doesn't want to" He said he just didnt know what to say...but still I mean  I understand that, but say SOMTHING. ANYTHING im opening up and i would like to know that im being heard.

It seems like my uncle is always the target when my ed comes out. Like the other day, He was standing over me watching me make my breakfast and I lashed out, "What are you just going to stand there and watch me?" He walked away and I felt bad, so i explained that I felt like I was being watched to see how much I am CHOOSING to eat, and how he thinks of how huge I am or whatever and he told me " no if anything I want you to add this in your meal too"

That't one thing I hate about this...To feel like I always have to explain myself. My actions. My thoughts. I want to be understood and it's exhausting always telling people why you do the things you do or how you feel or think...umm i just do i don't know. Then I explain and I feel stupid because i know I make no sense whatsoever. Then I feel judged and yea see ED's are complex to say the least, and it's frustrating to think about the things that I have done or said, and it's like "did I really?" but when you do it it just feels natural...like when I was at Laureate I would purge in a plastic bag and empty it in the morning when I was allowed showers, or I would claim the meds made me sick or that the other girl who was sick got me sick. I hid food (even messy foods) in my pockets I would wear tons of layers to meet my weight. LIKE I WAS/AM crazy and I know this and I know my thinking  is insane. Like I try to explain how I feel like if I get my period then that means my body has enough fat for it to be working the way that it should. it means im fat...yes I know it's irrational but it's a big belief that ed tells me and its hard..like I know it's not true but you still believe it anyway. Even writing this I feel like I will be judged differently but honestly...this is my blog and it's for my purposes not yours...who knows im just going on and on and nobody even reads this. =)