I had a brief moment where I was hidden under blankets sitting next to the vent which heat flowed out off, plus layers on and a cup of hot coco that made me think, "Maybe I do need to gain weight"...Then two seconds later my theighs gained 20lbs. Not literally but it sure does feel like it. I actaully ended up taking my pants off because i couldn't stand the look of my legs in them anymore. And, you know, emotional things come up, ed JUMPS right in to distract you, so i focus on my body and not the problem... I have been an emotional wreck lately. I hate goodbyes and leaving. So I was crying about that and the fact that I am nowhere near where/wanted to be/do with my life.
So today I found out that my sister is pregnant. 3 months. I'm not going to make this about me, but i have to say this one thing...i was home for a week and you couldn't tell me then? you had to wait a day after i left to call? But I refuse REFUSE to not be a part of this baby's life. I want that baby knowing who I am. I want to be there for everything. I already told my sister that I will be watching him/her 24/7 haha. So that gives me 6 more months to convince my mom to let me move back in. it's been a year that I haven't lived there so hopefully it can change.
I also had therapy today. (which not having it in person is very difficult) I took what she said the wrong way.She said, "i didnt mean you have control about that but about the decision to want to go forward and make your health and wellness a priority because that is a mentality, a desire that would allow the attitude of fight and perserverance needed. as we had said inpast that if you turned all your time, energy, effort and thoughts to that versus maintaining the unhealthy eating behaviors you would surely be on a path to victory!"
So I lashed out (yea i know im doing that a lot lately) and told her, "you know I am trying. It's hard though. I try and take time to go to my appointments to do what jen wants me to do to do what you and joy want me to do but i can't. I cannot control my thoughts they just get louder and louder and wont go away until i listen to them" Then she explained more and at the very end she said, "move forward in a more productive way" So I just stopped. I was getting upset and last night I cried for two hours and I was in no mood to start crying again. She caught on though. Told me to stay connected, distract myself, write, etc.
So I felt this was a nice way of saying, what i am doing to try to get better isn't good enough. I mean i don't know. I know im not in recovery, I am struggling a lot but that doesn't mean i'm not trying. I am trying but it's just hard. and scary. and lonely. I make an effort to call my sponsor everyday. I try to make all my appointments. I have been reaching out during times I want to purge or I am having trouble eating (shout out to Joy and Jill for helping me through those times) I know now, this isn't what she meant, I have made the connection that I was home, and when I am home, I always feel like I am not good enough. That where I am isn't perfect and not where it should be. I always have to do more. Be better. Be stronger. Pretty much be everything BUT me =/
Perfectiin is impossible. I dont think people want you perfect or stronger. It seems like people just want you happier and they dont know how or what to help. Its good that you are trying. And i know how hard it is when you arent where you wanted to be, but you have been making huge progress i think. And i think when you are ready, and i mean really ready, to let go to raise the white flag and say i cant do this. I have tge same problems but my friendcsaid something to me, she said you may not have control over yoyr family, or even eating, or people's comments, but you have control wether you get ready and go out for the day. You control if you smile and call a good friend. You can control if you get out of bed and try. Its amazing how one little thing leads to another. I know you can do this. You have luved tgrough so much. I am now babbling and talking too much. And maybe i dont know tge whole situation but ounce you are ready things will come together. Ounce you knowwhat you want, you will have a way to get there. You will succeed stef. I promise
ReplyDelete