Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Day One- oh gosh

I'm not exactly sure on how I am suppose to last a full week here  when after not even a full day I am about to explode...My mom came in and wanted to weigh me right away. Which I was expecting and she wouldn't let me see it. I kinda of freaked out, saying that Joy lets me see it. She said "Well I don't know that for sure" So she weighs me then I say my weight, asking her if it's the same. She says "Well all scales are different" So then I asked does that mean my weight is higher???? She refused to tell me that too so I am totally freaking out. I also feel like I am getting lecture after lecture. Like how my jeans fit, and how even though I don't think it's neccessary but others do think I need to gain weight (apparently everyone in my family are doctors) And they ask, "how are you" I say good, then they say, "How are you really??" UHH I SAID IM GOOD DIDN"T I???

I was also suppose to get my recovery tattoo while I am here to help me embrace my recovery and to give me motivation. Yea, as of right now that isn't happening...they want me to be in recovery for a year before I get it. DUDE for real, I am paying for it and I want it now for different reasons. Let me do what I want with MYYYYYY goddamn body. Im 22. stop making decisions for me!

Then I have my snack which everyone was like "what are you eating?" So i felt like I had to, then its "well you still need another meal today" OK well I just ate like 3 hours ago I am so not hungry for a meal I am still full beyond my comfortable limit. Plus it's getting late and I don't want another meal now. My body won't be able to digest it. OMG it's only been a few hours and  Iwant to act out, either ed wise or SI or something. I need to do something. I want to talk to someone but I can't as everyone would listen to my conversation argg I just want to crawl in a ball and cry in my room (which they had no problem taking all my stuff out of and making it a storage rom-yea not coming home anytime soon.I want to even though I feel like way, but maybe it's just the area I want to be in I hate the moutains) OHHH and in the car ride here, I was sliding all over the place, my sister says, "Jesus, you don't have enough body weight to even stay still in the car?" UMMM how about you try staying completely still when you are turning and sitting on a leather sit. GOSH. yup this is the reason why I feel like I am nothing but my ed...just saying

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