How Isn't It??

I had Joy today, and if you have been reading this, you know I have been struggling with depression...Feeling alone. Not cared about. It seems to be a theme/topic with everyone in my life right now, for those who have stayed thus far. Anyway, somehow we started talking in my session about people caring about me (again not sure how that is connected with my food intake haha) And she must have sensed something, because she said, "How are you going to sit there and say that Denise and I don't care?" Kinda got defensive, which coming from her I completely understand. So I told her, " I know you care, you actaully want something to do with me, I feel like you care about me and not the money, it's denise who I don't think does" (sorry denise if you read this) I explained how I feel like she wants nothing to do with me, unless it's our appointed time. She told me its all about boundries but Nutritionists are different because its medical so you can text a doctor when you have a fever (like texting joy when i want to purge or restrict) but I cant text a therapist when i have a fever...which I understand that but I would like to know that if I needed it she would be there for me and be less concerned for the boundries. Seems like I am picking fights lately, I think, honestly, I am pushing people away...like one person I keep fighting with is very close to me and I would die if she left so it sucks but it would hurt less if i pushed her away rather than her leaving. Which she says she doesnt want to and won't...but how many times have I heard that from how many people before???so it's kind of hard to believe. I was fine tonight, until two people contacted me and confronted this past situation. Made me start thinking about all the people who are/had leaving/left. Saying it's not me, but, if you read this here is what goes through my head...

1. So many people left, and keep leaving ME, so how is it NOT me???

2. It's always the people you expect more/better from. The ones who you think will always be there

3. Something is wrong with me. 

4. what do I keep doing to make everyone leave? what did I say? what did I do?

as you can see, and i know people are trying to convince me otherwise, but let's be real. If people (PLURAL) keep leaving one person, how is it not them? It just doesnt make sense...Why would so many people leave if there was nothing wrong with you?

Christ, my dad left me. Tell me nothing is wrong with me as a person when my own father left me, wants nothing to do with me. What kind of parent wants nothing to do with their child? So therefore it has be me...yes I know I am stuck in the past and everything I connect back to it but it's hard not to. It's easier I guess for me to think it's me. When I talked to Joy today, I told her how I deserve punishment. I deserve pain and hurt. It's what has been and when I don't have it something is not right. But it's easier I guess for ed. It gives me an excuse...Like ED is the one thing that hasnt left. Ed is what gives me my punishment. Because im in pain, im allowed to have ED, im allowed to have something wrong with me....(though ed I don't think is what is wrong with me-there has to be something else something about me- literally me not my own struggles) 

I swear I have a stamp on my head that says "im stupid" or something because people don't think I have a brain. They don't think I can put two and two together. Just and FYI I'm not stupid. My education was always number one in my life. Always the thing I was good at, what I worked my butt off on. What I am proud of. THE ONE THING I AM PROUD OF  I was in honor, and AP classes with straight A's and awards and such, and it is extremely disrespectful to me when you think I won't figure things out. So stop giving me excuses and lies, because I know exactly what is going on....

Anyway I thought writing it would help release some of whatever is going on, but it seems to only be intensifying it, so off to exercising and bed