Christmas Eve

I know this time of year I am suppose to be happy and enjoy my family and blah blah blah. But this year I can't be. I can't fake it anymore...look where that has gotten me. It is also hard to deal with family when they have nothing but negitive things to say. I haven't  seen my family in over a year (thanks ed) and tonight we had a family party everyone yes I mean everyone made comments on my body. and how they missed me...yea well last year i was around but nobody wanted me there because of the feeding tube (which I said). Anyway, I thought  I was taking care of myself and I took a breather and walked away...guessing when everyone knows I purge and I disappear into a bathroom isn't a good thing. They sent my mom in to check on me. Needless to say my mom thinks what she wants. I told her the truth that I didnt purge and I didnt cut...yea she did a full blown out body check right there in my aunts bathroom. AWKWARD! I told my mom I was taking care of myself and walked away as I still HATE this body and all the comments were  getting to me. Now she keeps asking do we need to talk about what happened...umm like i said nothing happened i just needed a breather!!! Also at the party..yea I don't drink soda. all they had was soda and diet ice-tea...of course i run to the diet ice tea and my mom just about has a cow. I was like well sorry, i havent drank soda in over 5 yrs and im not going to start now. so that was a problem and my mom also felt the need to stay with me while I ate like for the people who didn't know lets make it obvious to them... Then there is this woman that I went to Renfrew with and my uncle's friend dated her. He told the family, "You know that girl you were in treatment with...they broke up shes problems" I kind of lashed out, I again made a comment about the people there who didnt know about my ed. and how if she is problems then I am problems because we both have the same disease. haha

Anyway I know I haven't updated like I told Denies I would. The last few days here have been rough. My first day here was nothing but comments and questions and lecturing (which denise if you read this...the lock box I told you about....they threw out because I did in fact hide food in it and it started to smell-got a lecture on it) And then I got sick. Like I woke up throwing up, which according to my mom It was ed. not a flu or anything. I didnt have a fever just felt sick and kept throwing up like I couldnt even keep water down. which I think it is normal when you are sick you eat less. well my mom says to me, "well this isn't good for you" Well im sorry I can't help it if im sick...but according to her i wasn't sick i just acted like it so i could purge and restrict...i wish..anyway my mom hides the scale now and shes not very good at it. lol I found it in the garage and i have been obsessing over it. I freaked out on my nutritionist saying, "All ive been doing for a day is following your meal plan, and I gained three pounds" I checked the next day and I lost two, so i guess it was just water retention or something so i apologized. I don't want to gain. I dont need to gain. so its not happening....