New Year's I'll never forget =/

I am not sure I even want to write this. To open up to everyone in the world. So I might not post this. I know I need to let this out though. Today is my one year of... whatever you even want to call it. I had this little encounter with my friend's boyfriend. Though everyone else tells me it is considered molesatation. I think i keep telling myself that it's not. But I keep randomly spacing out, thinking about it and crying. Which crying lately isn't a new thing for me. I am such a weak person. I thought I was so much stronger than this. Yet I can't control these tears. I can't talk about this, it just makes the tears worse. I mean I am crying writing this but it's different, nobody is listening to me sob while I do. Nobody can see how digusting my face looks right now. My eyes, I think are offically red and swollen from nonstop crying (well non stop since wednesday) I told Kim that I needed to write and of course I don't have my journal...

Anyway, I don't know what is happening to me. I don't know why all these tears are falling out of my eyes out of nowhere for days now. I don't know why/when i lost control over them.

I can't seem to stop thinking about that night. Looking at pictures from that night. Going over and over in my head the conversations we had. How he kept saying, "I don't think you mind" Over and over again when I kept saying no, this isn't okay. But doing nothing, about it, just laying there in the back of his jeep shaking. Shaking from the cold, or shaking from being terrified, i'm not sure which. How he acted like he was curious how my underweight body was different from a healthy body. How he kept fighting with Cassandra about her coming with us to drop me off at home, err well a friend's house (as my mom had already kicked me out by this point), he didn't want her there because of "all the crazy drivers and if something happened, he wouldn't be able to live with it"

<This picture was taken before it happened. I know I should just erase all the pictures I have of that night. Erase the proof. Erase it from memory, but see this is where ed comes in. I was sick, fresh out of treatment (well sort of I got out of Laureate Oct 28th) and relapsed the day I returned home. So from Oct 28th to Dec 31st...you could lose a lot of weight. Anyway, I can't delete this picture because I miss my body. I look "so thin" in them and I need to "look like this again" So I can't. Ed won't let me..Ed won't let me do a lot of things. See in the picture how I am wearing a hoodie, well not just because of the time of year, I always have a hoodie on. Always. Even my sponsor comments on that one. Hoodie's cover me. They cover my fat. People can't see. Which my sponsor says is symbolic for hiding myself. No really, I don't like my body and having a hoodie on helps hide it.

Back on topic, how did I handle tonight? I cried. I wrote, but nothing takes it away... but one thing. ed. So I purged. And I got the relief I wanted. The tears stopped, the memories are vague. I was able to finish writing this without crying. That is what ed does for me. That is why, or a big reason why (as there are many reasons)  that I can't let ed go. He is the ONLY thing that can make something go away. He takes away all the pain and the hurt and the tears. He makes me strong again. He just makes everything okay.