My head is in a cluttered room haha

So as y'all know I am in a frantic mode..

My head is spinning and I can't make it stop. It just goes on and on and on. I feel like I am on the circle thing on the playgrounds that you spin on (kinda like a tea-cup ride but no seats) but only I am standing still...er well trying to.(as I am very fidgety lately) Anyway my head is spinning with constant thoughts that I can't turn off. The list of things I still need to do, where I need to get in my life,where as a 22 year old I should already be at or have in my life,  how to change. eww change =P The things that are wrong with me, the things I still need to work on and process. It just goes on and on. It's not a fun place to be.

I don't want to leave. I don't want to pack. I know this place where I am now isn't good for me but I don't want to leave. I don't want to in a way start all over. Reboot myself. I don't have the energy to. Packing makes everything real. That yet yet again I have to leave home. Who knows when i'll be back. I'm scared. No, I am terrified of change. To change my way of living. This is how I lived for 8 years. That is a long time. I am so accustomed to this way of living and telling me that I need to change when this life has worked for, protected me, is like asking a 5 month old on tying their shoes. They don't know how. They need help. Scared of failing. Scared of disappointing everyone around them (okay well maybe not a 5 month old) That's where I am. I am scared not only of changing but I am scared of the unknown, where this new "life" will take me, where it will lead me, What if it leads to my goals in life, what if it doesn't. What if nobody likes the healthy me, what If I don't. (I already don't like myself so what if that feeling gets worse?) What if my fear of being better and nobody has a reason to care/love me is true? What if I do all this hard work and I relapse. It would all be for nothing. I will be stuck at just the place I am at right now. Yea I know a lot of "what if's" the unknown is a scary place to go. I know that quote, "faith is taking a step even when you don't see the rest of the staircase" But honestly, who in their right mind would take a step when they can't see where they are going? (Favorite quote to my therapist at laureate by the way)

I guess I don't even know what to say. I am confused haha. So I don't even know if I make sense but it makes sense to me. I guess. I guess my point is that I feel like a scared little 14 (yes 14 not 22) year old lost in the dark. I see no light. None. no flicker or dim nothing it's just dark. I am terrified of so many things. Fear of abandonment is def number one tied with fear of change.

Anyway, I just want to give a shout out to my girls...TRINA,JILL, SARAH and MARNIE. I honestly don't know what I would do without you four. I honestly don't know how I did get through before I "met" you. Today was a good wake up call for me. Knowing that I am struggling, knowing that tomarrow is going to be hard and you are all there for me. Nonstop. I don't know how. I know I am a needy person so I don't know how you can be there for me and still be there for you. It amazes me. I have never felt so much love before in my life. Reaching out to me, checking in with me. It's such an amazing feeling, and means more to me than you realize.

Trina just the fact that you are WILLING to get up early in the morning to talk to me, IS HUGE. I feel bad because you really don't have to get up (which still saying that we can talk when you natuarally wake up-no alarm) And then arguing with me when I say no, you need your sleep and saying you don't care.That I am more important than sleep at the moment (the times I was sucidal)  The fact that you allowed me to cry on skype tonight. I don't show my emotion to anyone, seriously the one time I cried in front of Denise I blew it off and looked away and changed subjects. You just let me be (not saying denise wouldn't allow me but I guess i'm still not that comfortable with her yet to do so). Let me cry. It was okay. I always feel like crying makes me this weak person. I can't control my feelings and I am embarrassing myself and making others uncomfortable. But with you it was different. Sure, as you noticed I got embarrassed but you kept saying, "It's okay to cry, it will be okay" So the first time I actaully felt like I had a reason to be allowed to cry that it wouldn't mean that  I am a weak person. It just was it was it was. Like it's normal to cry, like I am not some crazy person. The fact that over and over again you have said to me that you are not going anywhere, even when I try to push you away, you will always have a place in my heart. For you reaching out to me and showing me that you are comfortable with me (examples not shared for your privacy). We just connect and you get me. You totally get me. You make me laugh, and i love that you don't care of being "quirky" How all you want is to be happy and have fun. How giving you are. How you took over my typos (you honestly didn't think I wouldn't throw that in there did ya??? =P)

Jill you just always amazed me. You are such a strong woman. You have so much strength and courage. You are brave and a true inspiration and I am very proud of you. I know I always have you. I can always go to you and even if it's something stupid or small you realize that it's not stupid and small to me, and you listen like actaully listen for hours if that's what I need. Always have a listening ear, and when I get upset and you know it you try to make things better. Tonight, for christ sake you drove out to a mall to have privacy to be able to talk to me! You have texted my sponsor and my uncle when I told you about my sucide attempts not once not  twice, but a lot of times. You are always the one person who checks in with me EVERY SINGLE DAY, everyday. The only one! I love that! How you stayed up past your bedtime to chat with me tonight, how you express when you are worried about me, how you make sure i am safe, how you express your honest opinion and tell me how it is,  how the minute my facial expression changes or if my texting/messaging is delayed  how you ask "is everything ok?, are you okay?"

Sarah you always know how to make me laugh, always bring a smile to my face. It never fails. You are good at distracting me. Checking in with me, reaching out to me, opening up, sharing. And are willing to drive like 2 hours to come see me! My dad won't even do that and you are willing to when you don't even know me in person! How you always have a song to give me to listen for whatever, however I am feeling or struggling with.

Marnie you are always a good support. Always a listening ear. Just tonight, I freaked out and I saw you on and had a little panic attack and you just let me have it and helped me see the positives of things. That some things do suck in my life right now, but to always hold on to hope. "Things always get better, if they don't it's not over yet" (another quote for ya).The fact that you have told me that you take time out of your day to read my blog posts and to listen to a new uploaded video of my singing =)

All of you have showed me that I am cared for, without a doubt I know you all have my back and are all rooting for me and giving me a hand when I fall or catching me when you see me trip. I love you more than you know and more than I can express. Thank you for being there for me

LOVE LOVE LOVE
Stefanie =) (or according to trina "I have to get it right, it would be stef not stefanie" lol)