"YOU ARE A FAKER"

People piss me off...which if you know me, you know actaully admitting that I am pissed is a big deal. I don't do anger. My dad was always violent so I connect the two. Therefore I am not allowed to feel any type of anger. Other wise I am just like him. I know I am not a big fan of myself, but I will not let myself be like him. I deserve better...call me selfish but I do. Anyway, anger, don't do it. period. Everyone tells me that I need to work on this "because it's normal to be angry" (which if you haven't noticed...im not "normal"). Okay, well I do get frustrated and annoyed, isn't that a type of anger? Why can't that count? I can't do anger, anytime I feel a slightest hint of it is when I cut myself. I would rather hurt myself than anyone else. I hurt myself anyway.

Anyway, that was off topic. haha Today I got an email saying someone commented on a video of mine on Youtube...So i click on the link (so annoying to do so, by the way if you use your phone) This person "vivvid" says "YOU ARE A FAKER" it was a comment made on a video when I shared my story with my anorexia. Now I try to comment back, saying just how much this comment is screwing with my head to find out that he/she/it has deleted their account or has blocked me...So what the hell was the point? Im not sure. Quite frankly it really pissed me off.  Not only because you are a coward for saying something and then going all out to avoid what reply you know would come. But because I wish I was faking! I wish I could just stop. If i were faking I would be able to stop, but I can't...it is also playing with my head, saying "See you're not thin enough. People think you are lying about your eating disorder. now you really have to prove it to them" GAHHH logically I know I am stuck. I am deeply struggling. Majorly.I even had a brief (BREIF) moment where I realized that I do need to gain weight (then 2 seconds later my theighs gained 20lbs haha) But then a comment like this is made, and everything logical fades and ed takes over. This person I don't even know made me so upset. I took my laxatives out and poured it out into my hand (an amount for overdose). I sat there for a good few mins crying, imagining everyone's reaction then thinking, "It won't kill me and i want to do this right" So i put them back. Not saying this comment got me that depressed, but the fact that my ed is the only thing I am good at, that is mine, and sometimes even at that I fail. Anyway, I knew I needed to do something, and don't ask me how in the world I got away with doing this, but I exercised. Like a lot. few hours worth. Yea right now, I am not suppose to. But I guess that is ed for you, he knows how to be sneaky and get away with things. and if I were caught Im sure he would come up with an excuse (caught at laureate I said, "my back hurts, im just stretching"...yea they didnt fall for it haha) But I was also pissed off because opening up and sharing your story about anything is hard. It takes courage! I don't share with anyone (my mom does it for me haha) but I actaully have only shared with a few people and it took me about 6 months for me to share about a minute in my support group. It's hard. You are opening yourself up. You are vulnerable. You have trust issues than this A-hole makes a comment and its like ok shut out again. I'm being judged. they don't understand. im just crazy.

Oh then my uncle tells me, "negitive calories is a myth" It was on a tv show....well that's just great, tell that to an anorexic who all her "safe foods" are "negitive calories" seriously like why would you tell me that? haha I mean I am glad he did but like aren't I struggling enough already? Now I have to figure out the truth from my nutritionist and if that is the case then I don't know what I will do, I don't know what my "safe foods" would be. I probably wouldn't have any =/

People are idiots. =/