Things don't go my way.

Well the plan was for me to cancel therapy today....well my therapist thought differently. She called me.  She said I have to stay connected with her through this "excrustating journey" She told me that Im not a failure, that my ed (as she refers to as the devil) has a grip on me and doesnt want me happy and free...I started crying and she said "Ready to let go now?" I told her im scared. And how I want to be better for this baby but at the same time I dont think its going to happen so its a bit discouraging, to feel like everything you worked towards wont happen. And I dont know how to handle it without ed...She said she understands, but when I said  "if it doesnt happen I wont even try and just go down really fast and will be sucidial" she was shocked. That is when she realized how much me going home means to me. She said well if you know that, we can prevent it. We can work on the rejection and abandonment issues but its not like its not happening it will happen just not this week and going back to ed will keep you away longer...logically I know that but at the same time how do I handle all the pain now while its not in place yet? She wants me to draw and to journal...okay but its not going to take it away and make things happen for me. Its not like im asking for a lot. All I want is to be home.

She was on my case about going to a doctor. I keep cancelling that too. I told her that I have leg pains. Like it hurts to walk or stand right now. I told her I think its from over exercising like i tore my muscles in both of my legs, and my aunt thinks its a low level of potassium. Denise said it could be both and I need to get it checked out. I told her at night (weird its only at night) my arms and legs feel like they go paralyzed. That completely freaked her out. She is also concerned about my spitting up blood again, which makes sense its happening more because im purging more. She is constantly asking about my chest pains too...sorry get over it, not wasting time in the doctors to hear what I already know. Then she freaking calls Remuda Ranch and sets up an evaulation for me tomorrow. And if im approved then I can be admitted on Friday...WTF DENISE??????

tell the truth

oh my lord...my aunt is driving me nuts. She is telling everyone "Oh she's doing good and is in remission".....REALLY? ummm whatever. I don't even have the energy to argue or to call her out on it.  I just sit there and shake my head. Last time I checked I was in bed ALL fricken day yesterday sleeping, and throwing up, my whole body sore but yeah im doing good????? it's just frustrating like ok I am not one to ask for any pity but its like can we not be honest about anything to anyone anymore? Yesterday I didn't exercise at all.I was lucky if I left my room at all, so today despite still being sore and weak I felt extremely lazy and needed to do something. So I tried to do some yoga, but that turned into an hour long workout. Then a break then another workout...I know im pushing my body over the limit, i know it, I feel it but i don't care. I dont want to die fat. I know thats harsh to say but i dont want to be. My friend and I got NG tubes together, so we could support one another, and we both needed them...she got hers a few days after I did but it was still my tube buddy....well she pulled hers out. So that pushed me over the edge and made me pull mine out too. Like why can she and I can't? I don't know it gave me permission though she knew I was tempted to do it for days and was trying to get me to promise that  I wouldn't...I did but it didnt do any good my doctor put another one back in the next day haha....so my therapist wants me back inpatient. Says, "We don't have time to waste to sit around and see if you can do it on your own or not...yes you did get on track but you were still losing weight. I understand you stopped using certain behaviors but it wasn't enough and now you are at a danger zone and we dont have that time anymore" SEE THAT???? WASN'T ENOUGH her exact words....never is. So she has been on my case. I told her I would call a few places but I haven't. And  I don't plan on doing it this week or next haha. She keeps calling and texting though to "remind" me. I don't think she was all that surprised when I called her today to cancel our session for Monday. oh well...she the thing that annoys me...it doesnt matter if i eat or not at this point I am still going to lose weight. I have another medical issue that people seem to forget about, that the only blame my ed for my weight when that's not my reality and I will not go into another center unless they treat both. And I stopped treatment for one, so...enough said. I also don't want to be wasting my time in a center...ive been to how many now and still here, stuck in this, so why try again? Especially if it's a "race against time now" I dont want to be there. I WANT to be HOME. SOMEONE PLEASE LISTEN TO ME JUST THIS ONCE. THAT'S ALL I WANT I WANT TO BE HOME

Being Smothered.

Last night my uncle decided to keep me up until 2:30..lately ive been in bed by 12. To talk about my ed. How  I am 22 and need to take responsibility for myself. (this was about serving myself...which i can't do because i don't feel like its my home so im not going to help myself to their food...maybe ed. i dont know?). He was a bit concerned when  I said I have full intentions to going back to being a vegitarian when I move back home...he says that is restricting myself....I dont think it is though. I just don't like eating meat. Ever since 9th grade and  I disected that poor little piggy =( He and my mom want to talk to my therapist now...I asked why and he said, "I want to know what you talk about" uhhhh....she's not going to tell you that, butt out some!!!Oh he also mentioned that me going to support groups is an obsession...that when/if  i go home that I shouldnt do family therapy or go to groups because it will "remind me of my weakest point" Well first...my family needs to go to family therapy to work on issues...and 2. since when is getting support a bad thing? When I go to a meeting, I don't feel alone, even if  I dont act out doesnt mean I am not struggling.

I feel like Im being smothered. Like everyone is trying to control this. To control me from completely going downhill. To control me...Here's a tip for ya....if you control me or try to...I use ed more because it's something I can control...

It's so frustrating because this is MY problem and everyone else is butting in and taking it from me. Everyone needs to back away from me a little bit...Nobody even listens to me. Last night I kept saying I have to go to bed. I feel like I am being attacked and like im not good enough, maybe im taking it the wrong way because I am tried....But no, let's keep talking about what I still need to work on. HAHA he said "You gained a lot".....hmmm anorexic here...apparently my eyes got really wide when he said that because he then said "Not weight, I mean progress...not weight, cut me some slack"...ummmmm You want me to cut you some slack? How about you cut me some???

I really just want to be left the hell alone. There is no fricken need for him or my mom to talk to MY goddamn therapist. I feel like a little kid being checked up on. For christs sake im 22.

Oh my uncle also wants to talk with my mom when I go home for "do's and don'ts" I was trying not to laugh...no offense but he doesn't know a goddamn thing and I hope he doesn't talk to her. Like my mom understands that if  I serve myself that  I need to measure it. I can't estimate. I just can't...my uncle is completely against this.

Then he kept saying how horrible I would do if I were to go home....umm give me no credit...I did pretty damn well when  I was home for week. But  I guess that doesn't matter...

I also talked to my mom the other night. Crying...how this is my 1st niece and I am going to miss everything. How I am suppose to be in the delivery room and if she goes into early labor that I won't be there. My mom says she has a plan though. That  I am worrying about nothing (laughing at me). That she will have a baby shower in July and she is expecting me to live in the area by then...hopefully. I want to be with my niece as much as I can be. I know greedy me.. .I want I want I want...

Somewhere I lost hope

 (Tb sorry I know you dont like me talking like this which is why its in a blog and not a convo with you hehe you can stop reading whenever you choose)

I don't really know what happened...I thought I was having an okay day today, maybe not ed wise but emotion wise. I reached out to a lot of other people...somewhere though I felt like an idiot. What the hell am I doing talking to all these people? I should be pulling myself away not getting closer to them. It's not fair to them. (TB I know what you are thinking...)I feel like because of this time frame thing, I don't deserve my friends. They have enough going on that they don't need this on top of it...maybe that is vain to even think for a second that it would make someone miserable for days. I know I say that I want everyone to be okay, but deep down I want to be missed. I dont really want them crying though. Seems like I have them crying enough already...I don't even know how many people I talked to today and I got at least 2-3 people crying. I feel bad, like  I am putting this on them. I know I didn't ask for this but  I feel and I  completely take the blame for the pain others might or do feel. And I don't want them to have pain, not because of me, therefore I feel like I can't talk about this to anyone. And  I hate crying in front of others...it makes me feel so weak and vulerable and I already get hurt and opening myself up to others when im weak like that is a good recipe for me getting hurt again. So I haven't even talked about it in therapy. I mean  I mentioned it but like anything else when I begin to feel tears  I change the subject. I know everyone wants me to be strong and to hang in there and keep fighting and not to give up...but its been 14 years...that is a long time! I was strong and never gave up for 14 years...why can't someone else be strong for me right now or understand why I don't want to fight it anymore? I am tired of fighting and being stuck and not being able to do anything. I want to live now. For the rest of the time I want to live rather than fight against it. (though now I that I am "living" all I am doing is sleeping anymore") I feel like all I do is complain. That's it. I whine and complain about how sucky my life is...It's like com'on grow up and get over it...at least I still have a roof over my head. Food on my plate (though ed jumps in and takes that away right now) Still have family and friends (and  I use those words loosely) who are by me, praying for me.

I honestly am at a point where I just want it to happen already...waiting is nothing but torture. Like  I am terrified of saying "Ill be there next weekend" when  I don't know if  I will be. It scares the shit out of me that my neice might not know me. And if she does, she won't remember me and  I hate the fact that I am only going to be a story to her (and even then they might not even tell her about me because of how screwed up I am). When I found out that she was on the way was when I saw the reason to fight. She was the reason why I made changes in my life, she literally has changed my life and  I won't be able to tell her that and how much she already means to me. I feel like any good relationship Ill ever have are just starting to form and  I won't be able to see if it lasts or not for once.

I think I am in the angry phrase of the whole process and that alone scares the shit out of me. I refuse to be my dad. I have worked this hard and got this sick to be everything but my dad and now its like what good does that do? Something else I suck at, because right now  I am 100% pissed off. I am mad, like angry, I am hurt, I am upset, I am depressed. The one thing I was supposedly good at turns out that  I suck at that too.

I am honestly at a point where  I am praying that tonight will be the day that  I don't wake up. I won't and everyone else won't have to wait anymore and honestly if it doesn't happen soon then I might take it into my own hands...(funny ed is back in my grip and that fast my depression is 10x worse.) It just seems easier right now. My mom and sister can stop having to pick up the phone with the first words out of their mouths "Is stefanie okay, did it happen?" My mom will be able to sleep again. I won't make other cry, I won't rely on others. It's just easier. for everyone.

Where I am today

Today  I had therapy, and no lie I was in the office for an hour and a half talking about my body. How  I hate it, apparently I often say that I have or I am getting a double chin...today I told denise that, and she made me show her where  I saw the fat on my body, to tell me that it's not really there. And I know what she was doing but it didn't help. I am still hating my body. Still wanting to lose weight.  I talked to my sponsor today about it too and she wants me to rub lotion on my body and as I am doing it say something like "I love my feet because....." I laughed. I didn't mean to but saying something positive about any body part of mine is awkward for me. And rare...well she had to go and I surprisingly knew I needed to let more out today. So I picked up the phone and called lisa (also from aba) who I haven't talked to in months so it was good catching up though she was mainly concerned with my other issues but she found out that I was struggling with my body and she tried to help but saying "Okay, you are having a shitty body today, you are allowed that but don't let that keep you from moving forward" I know. I feel stuck though. Like I am on a teeter totter. I want to get better so I can be home and in the baby's life. But then my head tells me "well you're not home right now" (and yes I know if I listen to ed my mom will catch on and won't allow me back home) Then I also think okay less than a year...why fight it the rest of the time? Which lisa told me that yes my doctor did tell me that, but they could be wrong. Like her brother has a liver disease and they told him he would be dead in 2 years, in 2000...its now 2012 and with new meds coming out he is still alive...

Anyway, Denise told me this week  I will probably lose weight because  I am back up at my aunts and I eat less here than  I do at home so  I don't even need to try. Haha my sponsor wasn't crazy with denise today said she was arguing with my ed the entire session. I just feel like everyone knows  I have an ed and therefore I have to prove to them everyday that  I really do. I don't get it.

Lisa also told me that my body image is kicking in because something else is on my mind...like we focus on our bodies rather than focusing on everything else. She said it makes sense that my body image is bad right now. Oh and  I told my aunt and she said "get over it" hmmm....yea if  I could get over it  I would have a longggg ass time ago. It's not that easy. Maybe they are lies, maybe I really don't have a double chin but it sure as hell feels real.

So I reached out a lot today not sure it will help any,  I have it made up in my mind that I will purge still and once its in my head it's usually set in stone. Unless I hear awesome news and makes me feel positive it might change for now. for today I think ed (rather annie) will lead the way today.

My eyes are leaking

Well today was kind of brutal. I woke up this morning to leave my home...my mom decided to weigh me yet again as I am about to walk out the door. She cried. She didn't want me to leave so  I don't know if she cried because I was leaving or because of my weight. I haven't been feeling well lately so my weight must be down. I slept the entire car ride home. I woke up about 15 mins away from my aunts house to my sister telling me that we were going to make a pit stop...to my dad's. Well in short, I was an idiot and it didn't end well...

Then I get home and settle back in.  I have been majorly struggling with my body lately. I don't even know how many times I have texted my sponsor to tell her that I was getting a double chin or to ask her if she thought  I was fat. Obviously, she lied and told me no. I am getting mixed messages too. Which doesnt help. I was told  I look good, or better, that they are proud but then I also get concerns that  about my weight. I just hate my body and honestly no matter what comment is made it won't help right now. I haven't exercised in a week and  I ate a lot. Like I seriously think I have gained about 70lbs while I was home...Then I come back today and I purged dinner. Despite me already have chest pains. that's ed for you.

It's weird too because I was just saying to Denise that I felt good. I don't feel like I am pretending anymore. Like my mom said this was the best visit she had with me, and I didn't even do anything...normally I am lying and hiding and trying to be something they want. I guess I'm just being me...whoever that is. I am already planning on cutting and exercising later tonight. And I am trying to figure out how to restrict and purge tomorrow...like I said one act on my purging it just automatically starts everything back up. So  I guess we will see...

I allowed myself to cry today. Not because of leaving home, not because of once again leaving my dog at home. Not because of my dad...but because of the big C word...someone asked me if I was scared to die. Honestly no I'm not. not anymore. I am more pissed off than anything. I don't feel like  I will ever experience life. I am 22 and growing up I was always in the hospital or told that I couldn't do this or that because my body couldn't handle it. Then I turned 18 and could do what  I want but I was too busy being in hospital and treatment centers. Now I stopped treatment and I am always exhausted that I couldn't do something no matter how badly  I wanted...well besides the once a week burst of energy I get. It's just not fair. I wish I could be around to see who cried. Who would noticed. Who would be a mess....which is weird because I always say that  I don't want people to cry when I end up passing away. I want them to be okay. But a part of me has to admit that I do want someone to cry about me. I was crying to my sister saying how unfair this is. That I want that baby to know me as a person and not a story, but I guess it's out of my hands so no reason to cry over it anymore....yea yea I know "it's okay to cry about it"....this is why I feel like a fraud. I feel like sooner or later people are going see that  I really am not strong and leave anyway. I am not strong. I am weak. I am actaully a mess. Falling apart piece by piece. Someone who is strong isn't like me...Or people won't care but pull away from me to protect themselves I mean really why get attached to someone who is leaving in a matter of months? Kinda pointless...I am angry about leaving. I don't want to leave certain people. Like a good friend, whether she admits it or not I think she relies on me just as much as I rely on her (which if you are reading  I am more than happy to be that person you lean on) and my neice. And my mom. I know that my mom drives me crazy but  I really do think and hope that she will be a mess when it's all done and said. I know my dad wouldn't care. I really wish I could just hear him say once, just once that he does. I just need to know that someone does.

I told someone about my little "pit stop" today and she said "Your father is going to kill you" I couldn't say anything. 1. because it's true. and 2. I want it. At least it will be faster. At least  I will be free from everything and everyone else will be released. Right now I am kind of just dangling on a piece of string waiting for it to break. I am not a patient person haha apparently even with things  I don't want to happen. Its kind of like now or never with me.

Leaving tomorrow

I leave tomorrow bright and early...I am ready to go but I'm not. This week has flown by. I was able to see my sponsor for 3 total hours (one hr on wed and and 2 hours today) I haven't seen her in 3 years so it was good to catch up in person. We went to meetings (aba) on both days...which both times I was trying to convinced myself to not go. The only reason why I did was to see Jen...but both times I ended up really like going. It makes me feel less alone. I have been telling myself lately that I am not really anorexic. But then I go to these meetings, and how can others say the things I think in my head if  I am not anorexic? Literally everyone who shared (not me) I was shaking my head and agreeing with everything they said. I related so much it was insane.  Everyone here at home is saying how proud they are beginging to be. How this is the best visit yet they had with me in the last 3 years...my mom told me that she is so happy that she is getting her daughter back, and how I have "sparkles and life back in my eyes".....I mean it feels good to hear it, but I feel like a fraud. I know where  I am. I know I am still struggling, and that I have a long way to go still. I am a big people pleaser and I don't want to diasppoint them. Anyway,  Wednesday night when  I was leaving the meetings, I walked right into my sponsor,  told her I was sorry that  I all of a sudden got dizzy and before I knew it  I was laying on the ground. The next say I complained about seeing black spots...which is normal for me when  I stand up but this time around I was laying down...not moving. Then today my chest hurt, and my arms are numb (signs of a heart attack) and end up having a seizure in my sponsor's car...luckily she is a doctor and didn't freak out too bad. But she did drive me to the hospital where I stayed at from 12:30 to 3 and came home with yet another feeding tube =/ Esstenially because I am still way under my caloric requirment but feel like I can't eat anymore than I already am. It's hard. I feel like I have gained 50lbs this week and I know  I still need to gain weight, but I dont want to. like at all. I told Jen that  I am getting a double chin ahah she said no way and that I was on dangerous ground (this seems to be the number one phrase  I tell myself before I use ed.)


So then after tube is in, my mom still insists that we go out as a family to have dinner...which is overwhelmimg...lets throw a feeding tube on my face. Everyone was staring at me. The waitress was extrememly nice though. I ate what  I could. I actaully took my sponsor's advice to talk to my mom before we left the house. To tell her that it is overwhelming for me and to make a plan in case I can't pick what to eat...im not in a place to decide on my own yet because if it was up to me it would be iceberg lettace. So I am eating what people serve to me...anyway, she said okay or I could just say ill have what she is having (though I couldn't do this because my mom ordered something with mushrooms and  I didn't feel like going back to the hospital-highly allegric to those) I thought talking to my mom before hand would help, in case she saw mw struggle (which I also told her if  I text or call someone im not being rude its because I need help from someone who understand it) anyway, it didn't help. I am glad I told them what I needed but it ended up with my mom pretty much reading the entire menu to me...I got a comment on shaking my leg. so besides that and the tube hanging out of my nose, it was okay.

Tonight

My sister cried tonight. She told me that my health got to the point where if my mom calls her  or if she calls my mom they answer with, "Is stefanie okay?"  I told them sorry, I am trying to get better but like everything else  I can't control it...Even ed. There is a saying, that goes, "You didn't cause it, You can't control it and you can't cure it" You can take steps to help but there is no guarntee that it will go away. It's a disease. You can do so much treatment and go to so many meetings, you can take steps to try to get better but in the end you have a disease. I feel bad, I don't want people crying and so worried that they can't sleep...my sister also told me that they both can't sleep and when they do they have nightmares because they know one day they will get a phone call to tell the other that  I had passed away. She told me how she isn't ready. How she wants me in her child's life just as much as I want to be there. I wish I had the power to change it. To make everything okay. I feel bad that I am causing them this stress. But again  I can't control it and in a way it is comforting that they don't want this to happen because for a while there I thought that they didn't care. So it's confusing it makes me feel bad but it makes me feel good at the same time haha. My sister also shared with me that she is keeping a journal. She is writing down everything, from how my doctor appointments went to how  I feel that day. It is actually very cute. She has some pictures in there as well...She apparently started this a while ago and she was reading some journal entries and it was dated back to when I first went into treatment so around 2 years ago!

Easter

Easter was pretty rough. I went to a family BBQ...which my mom asked if  I wanted to go but I was forced to go, because staying home alone was considered isolation...so why ask if I want to go? Anyway, I haven't seen my family in about 3 years because I was always in treatment. So going from not seeing anyone to see everyone in one day is a bit overwhelming. Plus  I was sitting in a room with about 20 people and nobody talking to me. So I lasted there for about 5.5 hours before  I told my mom that I needed to leave. Then my mom and stepdad make a scene of it. Saying, "You complain that you never go out then you do and you want to go home." They wouldn't quit it. I did go out. Give me some credit....I eventually was holding back tears and said, "Are you seriously going to make fun of my in front of the entire family?" My mom then stopped. I told her its a bit different when people are talking to you. And I am not like them I am sick and I can't handle things that they don't even think about. I tried. I did what I could. Then my sister texted me to let me know she was about 5 mins away and could pick me up. So  I said yes....then my step dad is like what you complaining to her...I said no, she texted me and I texted back...when my sister got there he literally asked her right in front of me, if  I had texted her to pick me up. She told him no. And I sooooo wanted to say "See, I didn't lie HAHA" but I didn't...everyone kept offering me food, and diet drinks (which my mom didn't allow me to have haha) it was frustrating. My mom follwed me in the bathroom. Then comes dinner and I serve myself (which I haven't done in forever) and my mom makes comments that it wasn't enough and everyone was watching as I put more on my plate according to my mom's approval. It was embarrassing I mean  Iam 22...which everyone thinks I am still a little girl. They were all talking about something and everyone would come up to me and cover my ears...whatever.

Anyway, I had a phone session today and do I know my sister...she was sitting right there. Singing in the background. HA my therapist got annoyed and told me to walk away. It would be one thing if  I was on the phone with a friend but it's a different story when I am having therapy. My therapist told me that my mom needs to back off a bit. hehe. My mom wants to talk to my therapist and  I told her yes, but I told Denise things she can and cant say....and I trust her so I think it will be okay. Denise is looking at it more as an educational session for her. Things she can do, dont do to help me. My mom says she wants to talk to her to make sure I am ready to move back, but I am not stupid it's going to be "How is she reallly doing? How long how she been doing good for?" which she won't get from denise...

My mom also weighed me yesterday....she asked me to come up and I knew right away what she wanted. It was like a show though. She covered the scale so I couldn't see and my stepdad sitting on the couch watching me to make sure  I didn't try to look down...again embarrasing...im not in treatment im home. I wished I could be treated like it...so my mom  hugs me and cries. I said, "well if you are going to be so disappointed with thr number than stop weighing me...its not your job to do it" Then a few hours later, she tells me "I am so happy you are getting better. That you won't be a statistic. I know it's hard. It's a battle everyday" Ummm you DON"T KNOW. that is all I will say. but it made me think "Oh crap my number is up, she is happy now, i gained, what is the number? im fat...."and so forth.

I don't know why, but the last few days have been brutal to me. Saturday I did nothing but sleep. It was actaully very hard to keep my eyes open. I felt drugged up.  I didn't want to move. Yesterday  I felt sick and wanted to crawl back into bed but today  I am feeling a but better. I had energy. I cleaned the entire kitchen. (which I later got in trouble for because I was burning calories...you're welcome for cleaning it though....) So hopefully that means whatever is going on with me will stop now and I can actaully enjoy being home. I don't want to be home but waste it away laying in bed....i know I know, do what I can, take care of myself blah blah blah.

Home

I don't like complaining, and I know I do it a lot, but sometimes...i just really hate my family. I honestly don't know what to/how to describe it. To sum it all up, my family is full of fakes and liars. I know the whole thing doesn't really concern me, but in a way it does. Which I won't write how it does on here...but ok my sister and my dad haven't talked, in what I thought was like 6 years. And now that I am no longer talking with my dad I often went to my sister venting about things, asking how to handle it, how she got through it...to find out today that it was one big lie. She still talks to him, she even saw him yesterday before she came to pick me up. I mean good for her for working things out and having dad back in her life, but its why lie about it? why sit there and listen to me cry and tell me how to handle it if you are no longer going through it...I'm not stupid, my education is actually the only thing I ever took pride in and when people do things like this, it makes me feel like I am stupid because they think im not smart enough to catch on...

So that sent me in the deep end. I ended up storming out. slamming doors, screaming and cursing...I was literally laying in the middle of the street, but someone wouldn't stop calling me and I finally picked up and she told me to go home that it was cold haha. I stayed out for like an hour before my fingers were numb. I walked in and went straight to my room. No words. no contact. Then I finally come down and they don't talk about that but they question me..."Are you still doing good? How long have you been doing good?" its like not what the problem was. They are ignoring what happened and how it made me feel. I told them I am, and that I am no longer counting days, because it honestly felt like I screwed up and lost those days when I slipped up a few weeks ago. Im so lost. so confused. This is what  I want. This is where I want to be but then I get here and all I want to do is disappear. I feel like no matter where I am, it's just not going to be where I want to be. The little things bugs the crap out me.

Like today wasn't a good day. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep and when I wasn't sleeping I was sick. I had a boost of energy this morning and played with my dog, and she told me that it was exercise and yelled at me for it. Then an hour later she is asking if  I can help her do yardwork...how do you want me to drink an ensure to play with my dog but not one to work outside?? Anyway, I did what I could, came in and fell asleep, an hour she wakes me up, to ask if  I am sleeping...umm helllo? haha then I fall back asleep and another hour she wakes me up to ask "Are you sleeping again?" I am sorry I am exhausted. I have no energy. I am sick. Plain and simple. I am sick. Very sick.

Comments are being made, a lot, which is annoying but in a way reassuring because to ed it means I am still okay...tomorrow I have a family BBQ to go to, and I am a bit anxious about that. Seeing nobody for how long to see everyone at once. I know last time I did that it was overwhelming where I had to leave and be by myself for 45 mins. Then everyone freaked out. I just don't want to get in that position again. So I told my mom that I might not go, and she tells me that is isolating so I don't think I really have a choice.

Before I slipped, I knew what was happening. I saw it, I felt it, but I did nothing about it. I feel that way again. I know I am on edge lately and I am just sitting here watching doing nothing to prevent it. I don't know if I want to. I know it's a sick thing to say but I miss it. I know it destroyed me, but I miss it. This is all a bit scary and unknown. I know I am obsessing, I feel like I gained a lot of weight just since yesterday and I am planning on how to lose it when I leave here.  I know I want to numb out and just not give a damn anymore. I do have a phone session scheduled for Monday with Denise, then I have plans to go meet up with my sponsor and go to a meeting on tuesday and friday, which hopefully they can tell me why I am doing this, why it's worth to torture myself (that is what it feels like) and bring me back to some type of normal reality....

My sister is looking at an apartment on Wed...which is like why move in with her at this point, but at the same time I hope she likes it. Because that means I am that much closer to moving into an area I want to be in and that much closer getting back my life, or rather what I can get back...Plus I decided to get better for this baby and if  I move and I am there and it doesnt seem so out of reach maybe it will give me another push....

Kick my booty

I always describe my anger as a meter. I hate saying  I have anger because that makes me my dad. So I always say frustrated, or annoyed, anything but angry. But it doesn't allow me to express how I feel, and I get to the point where I feel like  I am literally boiling. Everything and Anything can bother me where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry or scream. I always do this to myself, and that is when  I normally cut...thing is I go home tomorrow and I can't...I still have to figure a way to cover the cuts already on my arm. (it's been almost a week...should be healed up by now...oh well)

Lately  I feel neglected, I feel lonely, I feel stupid, I feel pissed off and I don't know why. I can not have anger I can't... and  I need to find a way to not feel this. I won't be my dad. I refuse to. I have worked my ass off with everything  I have to be the exact opposite of him that  I can't do it now.

It all started last night, I got a call from my sister saying that  I can go home for a week...which is a good thing right? But it pissed me off, that she contacted me two days before hand. I had to cancel therapy and now I have no way to prepare myself. I know they are expecting a lot than what  I can give them right now. I am a bit worried about how many people will be there. how much food they want me to eat, comments that can be made about my weight, about my food, how I eat, etc. I had to text my therapist to cancel our Monday session and she asked if  I was excited. I told her and she said "be you, and you will do fine. You have more victories than defeats. be you" Well who the hell is me? I for sure don't have a clue. How can  I  be me, when I don't know who that me is? I was my eating disorder. everything I did and said was my eating disorder, but I am no longer that, so who am I now?  My therapist told me that she doesn't feel like I am in a place where  I can miss therapy at all, so we agreed to do a phone session on Monday. Which is a good/bad thing. I know I need it, but with family around like my sister and mom I think they will be right next to me when I am on the phone. And  I'm not hiding anything from them but I don't feel like I can talk knowing they are listening. They both tend to take what they hear and run with it. Things they don't understand and twist it around. Everything that seems to come out of my mouth is like "danger zone" to them, not really fair to me, and puts quite a damper on me being able to openly express myself to them (I just figured out to not say anything at all...look where it got me...still unsure how to handle this because I know I can't keep everything to myself anymore I need to let them know my feelings, but they freak...so suggestions?)....Then drama with my sister came up and I go to my mom to vent about it and she tells me that "I don't want to hear it" So I feel like I am stuck in a corner, facing backwards, like being punished but this time I know I did nothing wrong. Nobody comes to me to tell me that it's over and I can come out from the corner either. I'm standing there waiting. . Like  I mean I understand it puts her in the middle but I don't want her to fix it. I just want to be heard, and by her saying that it was like I don't have a voice. I can't be heard and if  I can be, nobody wants to hear it anyway. Now just stupid little things are bugging me. I need someone to talk to, but I don't have anyone (outside of Denise). Nobody understands. Everyone else has problems to handle to that they don't need to be burden by mine.

I feel stupid because I do what I do best...push people away. I opened my mouth when I shouldn't have, and  I knew I shouldn't have. I was biting my tongue to say anything at all but I felt like certain things needed to be said. But in the end, I think I lost a good friend, or rather lost what we had. Because I can't keep my mouth shut, she probably won't come to me about things. That wasn't my intention. I know it's probably my paranoia...I just feel stupid. I feel like  I am a huge burden to her, I rely on her too much. Let's face it my problems are a bit overwhelming. I have shut down. I haven't contacted her for a few days because of this, and she contacted me today and I know I was vague. I put my wall back up, because I am terrified of getting hurt. And if I have my wall up I am protected. Nobody can get in, therefore nobody can hurt me...but it's lonely. And I did enjoy the time she spent with me on the other side of the wall. But  I ruined it. I mean, this person hasn't hurt me. Probably the only one who hasn't, but because of what  I did, what I said, I can easily see her backing away from me and that will kill me (no pun intended haha)

Which brings me to my next topic. I am so...I don't know the word that would describe how I feel that isn't angry...but this isn't fair. It's just not. I want things in m life. Maybe it's selfish but I do. I want to finish school, I want to help other girls with ed's. I want to know my neice. I want to get married, and to have babies of my own...it's not fricken fair. Life is cut short and I am denied of all the opportunities of life. I can't have them. No more for me. This is it...what do I have to show for it...lets see 22 year old who couldn't even finish one year of college because she had to go to treatment and never got well enough to go back. A 22 year old, who still relies on mommy to come to the rescue. A 22 year old who only had one boyfriend who she only dated because he confirmed everything in her head...what a waste of life. What I lived isn't even a life at all. I have nothing to show and  I never will. IT'S NOT FAIR.  I know, I know, this is "all part of the process" but =/ Tonight I watched a movie called, "A little bit of heaven" it was about a woman with cancer who knows that she is dying and  I was sitting here watching it, balling my eyes out, because that's the life I am living right now. I see her doing these things and  I think "did that" or "doing that now" and "shit I have to go through that too..." Then the ending came, and I was hoping for a happily ever after, but there is none. She did die. I wanted her to live. I want to live. I don't want to leave yet. I want more time with the people I love, I want more time with the people who care about me (note they are different people haha). I want to make sure that they will be okay, and how they are handling my illness. I want to do more. See more. creative more. live more.

No way, No how am I letting this be more than what it is

Today I had a very productive therapy session. I really opened up. I talked about things that I thought I would never talk about. Not in detail like I did today. I was honest, most importantly. I told her how I acted out yesterday despite how easy it would be to lie, to hid and continue to act out. Despite the fear that I disappointed her. I told her. Honestly, even with my black and white thinking of recovery being perfect I think being honest put me back on track. I mean  I wanted to to purge in Denise's office (which I told her that I thought "ok I have denise tomorrow and I can purge all day, purge there and then get a shower after dinner and purge then too" and she made a joke saying "oh then i think you need a new therapist"haha) But for some reason, I didn't go into the bathroom at denise's office. I walked right past it and she came out and  I hesitated going into her office and as I soon as I sat down  I told her. I told what I did. I told her how bad I felt but at the same time how I felt like it threw all the progress I made and I won't be able to get back on track. She saw the cuts and was a little concerned about how bad I did it this time. but she was not mad at me. She made me come up with a list of the positives so that if I were to purge I could try to stop myself this time, because yesterday I didn't stop to think. I just, well ed thought and took over. Anyway, it was either because I was honest or because  I really let things out today that  I not want to purge tonight. I feel so much weight lifted off my shoulders, and that pressure that  I can have slips and not be in a relapse is gone. I can, today is a new day and I can do it again if I did it for 9 weeks already. It can just be one time.

Then I called my mom, and I again really opened up with her. I don't remember thinking of what I was talking about it was just coming out. Which normally ends me in trouble and really regretting it. But not today. I told her, "I can't lie to you, because than I will think I can get away with it, that it's okay and it's not okay" And I told her. She surprisingly took it well, asked what triggers me and what makes it harder than other days. She also asked how  I can allow myself to move forward. make today a new day. I told her that I don't want to be who I was. When I am in ed, I am selfish, and everything is all or nothing, life or death and I don't want that again. And  I opened up to her about my dad. Told her that I know its a wrong thing to say, but my dad is dead to me. I mean really, we haven't talked. He was never there for me, ever. Not once do I remember being around for something that might have been stupid but very important to me. And I think I finally let go. That I am no longer willing to literally kill myself to be someone Im not for him and still not being good enough.  And  I will stick to my word, I do not  want that toxic relationship in my life, and I know he is my father...biologically, but a dad, he's not and he never was. I will not communicate with him unless things changed. I refuse to repeatedly get hurt by him. I am an adult now, and  I need to protect myself, I will not let it happen anymore.

Then for the first time ever.... I told my mom that I know that money was tight growing up. I remember one time, that I got in a fight with my best friend and  I wanted to get this mini skateboard to give me something to do durning the day. I remember her saying no, and I remember getting upset. Then a few days pass and she buys it for me and says sorry she wasn't thinking of me...I was a kid. I didn't know better, but now  I see it. I know that she said no because she didnt have the money, and she got it for me when she did. She wanted to make me happy. I know money was tight, and that she tried and I appricate it. I started crying, and she started crying and said "Thank God I am getting my daughter back. Thank god you are opening your eyes, that  I tried. I wanted you happy, I wanted to protect you but  I was always the monster and your dad was always the hero" (not sure why dad is the hero but she does have a point he was to me...) Then I sat down and realized that my perspective is changing. It's not so cloudy anymore. It's like before, I was in this tornado and I was mixed in with everything else spinning around, seeing nothing but the storm..but now. I found a safe place and I can still see the storm and I can still see everything that is spinning around making a mess of things, but I am safe. Honestly with how today went, if things don't work out with my sister that m mom might consider me coming back home. I see the progress I made now. I see that I changed. And I don't want to turn back now. This is a much better way to live.

Well...time to eat dinner....so back off ed, you are not winning. Not today.

Helpless

Well 9weeks left me. I told someone what I did and they said I still have those 9 weeks and tomorrow is a new day but I know what I did opened the door back up. I know it's going to be 10x harder to say no. I am already planning on how I'll be able to purge tomorrow. This is what I meant by not being able to do anything safe. One time and it makes my head go crazy and plan everything out. I knew I was relapsing but I didn't do anything about it. I saw myself beginning to isolate and to obsess about my body. I saw when I was restricting, which I have to be honest with myself was a lot longer than just this past week. I am really struggling with inner issues. I am having flashbacks I am disossicating I am having nightmares and that seems to always get me in a relapse I am actually impressed that I lasted as long as I did. I've been thinking nonstop about my past and it's extremely frustrating because I don't remember any of it besides getting hit. I was told this is a coping mechanism but you would think I would block out the bad things and keep the good, not the other way around. I think I did good with really thinking about it tonight. I allowed myself to cry, however I did end the night with purging and cutting. It's a twisted cycle I feel like I haven't gotten over this because when I talk about it I'm in Ed and I don't process it and I need to talk about it when I'm not in ed but than I get overwhelmed and I revert backwards. That is my cycle. I'm stuck. I'm completely lost. I dont know who I am. I feel like I am missing pieces to a puzzle and I won't know who I am until I find those pieces and I don't know if I'll ever be able to find them. and i have a right to know my past to know who i am. I am tired of family coming to me and telling me how i lived i mean my dad denied the fact he hit when my therapist called him so how do i know what they tell me is true? Im tired of being asked if i remember this or that when i have no clue what they are talking about. Everything is blank. I feel like there is this barrier around me and I can't find a way out and I am too weak to knock it down. I feel like nobody ever protected me and I feel like a hypocrite because I dont even protect me. I view myself as this little girl and I am even hurting her. So how can I be mad at them when I am doing the same thing?

It sucks because the main reason(that I know of anyway) why I am so self -destructive why I am in so much pain someone else is going through. And I can't do anything about it to help. Sure I can listen and I know it might help but I can't stop it from happening. And with everything I have in me I wish I could. It breaks my heart I don't care who you are or what you did nobody deserves this. Being hit isnt just about being hit. It takes away your self worth, your self respect your sense of protection. Your sense of trust. And the respect from others. It makes you feel like a bad person who for an unknown reason deserves to be punished. All the guilt and blame that you take for it when its not yours to take, its not your fault that something like this happens, it is theirs. And I feel bad because when I talk about my issues I think of others who have it 10x worse than I do. I'm just a little girl who can do absolutely nothing but sit and watch/listen. I'm helpless. I can't stop it from happening to me how can I help to stop it for someone else?

Today I allowed myself to cry and I actually admitted to myself that I was/am abused. I tell everyone that I was hit... But I never use "abused" and I keep telling myself it was for disclipine but I don't remember what I did so horrible to deserve it and even if I did deserve to get a smack I didn't deserve the extent of what it was.

I also thought back today of my ex and how any self respect I had left disappeared when I started dating him, honestly I dated him because he agreed with me. it was like my Ed in person. But I do feel gross and stupid, somehow that turned Into me thinking of my molestation. Like details... I just want to be normal and I want to move on and I want my head to shut up about everything...even for just a day.

Probably triggering...but i don't care it's MY blog

Things have been getting out of control. I know that, but  I just really don't know if  I care anymore. I mean  I do because of my unborn neice but other than that I have no fight in me whatsoever. My exercise has gotten bad. I know I shouldn't be doing it, despite my teams concerns but also because my body is already sore and exercising makes it worse, because when I exercise I can't stop. Like I can't do a half an hour workout and be done with it. No I have to do everything I know. And I know my restricting is bad lately. Okay like my nutritionist wants me to eat at least 1200 calories a day...right now im not even eating that in a week. It's weird because I got to the half way point (500-600 a day) and I was okay with it, besides a few urges I was okay. Now I'm just not. My uncle confronted me the other day because he noticed that I am refusing snack and things work out that I only eat once a day right now. He said something and I knew it was ed related when I got defensive and felt like saying, "Leave me alone" Then on friday he didn't go into work, and my first thought was, "Shit how will I be able to only eat once today?" Like right now, I am eating 200-300 a day and even that seems to be a problem for me. And it's not like im gaining. I mean I am burning it off. I am keeping it in but I know I am burning it off. And I know that I have lost weight again, I can literally see it. Just sucks because just last week my therapist told me that  I holding on and she would take IP off the list right now. I see her tomorrow and when I hand her my food log (which has also gotten a bit obsessive like  I even logged the number of cough drops I had) this past week that IP thing might be put back on the possiblity list. Despite that I still have not purged (9weeks now)  I don't even know what is going on with me. Like I know that I have a lot going on, but I have always had that, and I was doing better. I was eating 2-3 times a day...now if I have to eat twice I freak out, even yesterday I only ate once and this is when I know its my ed and not because I just dont feel good...last night I told my uncle  I would make sure that I would eat again because he knew i restricted and he went to bed...A few hours past and I get up and make something to eat but found a creative way to get rid of it. I know its ed because  I was sneaky, i'm hiding it. To literally make food disappear so he thinks I kept my word but in the end not actaully eating it. I just feel like I am accomplishing something. I don't know if that is like "another pound lost" goal but I just feel like relieved, proud I don't know... that at least I am doing something right. (though ed just jumped in to tell me that im not because I still refuse to purge) I think I honestly refuse to purge because that is what is making me think that  I am doing better, that  I am in recovery. but then I also know I am not in recovery, I stopped doing what my team asked, I'm not even trying...im hiding, i'm lying, i'm being sneaky, im making excuses...this is all because of my ed. not me. And I know deep down I am not eating enough because I started to get these cuts on the corners of my mouth again, which means malnutrition and that i am dehydrated along with my anemia levels/blood sugar levels dropping.

I had someone tell me that  I am still in recovery, because I am still tying. And that I don't have to be so hard on myself, and that it doesn't have to be "perfect" and so black and white. This sent me in a whirlwind. Honestly, I was spinning around in circles with every thought that came into mind. I think I am still thinking that recovery means behavior free. That one morning  I will choose to be a normal person with food and that this battle will be over with me. That easy. I think I am expecting it because that is how I handled purging, I mean  I still get urges but I just decided not to do it one day and I haven't gone back to it (though I will admit I don't get urges to purge that much but when I do it seems impossible to "disobey") That is how my restricting and exercising should work too...By all means, I have not been doing it perfectly, I have skipped snack a few times, but not like this past week. And  I felt like when I was eating the 2 meals and 1 snack that it was enough food. I ate enough, I ate more than enough but my therapist tells me i am not even close to eating enough yet. I was never close. So even when I feel like  I am eating enough is still restricting??? then Ill never be better. I think recovery does have to be perfect, and I know I have problems with perfectionism but I really think I get this from my mom...according to her having even bad thoughts means  I am not in recovery. Recovery means no behaviors, AND no thoughts of behaviors...that is to my mom anyway (which makes things a bit harder for me) For me  I feel like I can't do anything safe. It is all or nothing. Like if I purge once, it means I won't be able to stop again. It will be more than once. I think that is why my restricting is out of control. Monday I was sick and didn't eat much and now look where it landed me...my normal right now is eating once a day, which I know it's not normal. So because of that, I can't do something once and then stop myself again, means my recovery cannot have any slip ups, it has to be perfect. Maybe it is a hard expectation on me, but it is what it is =) (hate this girl who got me obsessed with that damn quote)

So that is where I am today. Everything is scrambled and I know I am not making any sense. That's my head for you. Everything is so complex and confusing and twisted right now. Denise is going to have fun with me tomorrow trying to make sense of everything and trying to keep me focused at the same time...good luck denise, I know you read this so yea just good luck haha