Well today was kind of brutal. I woke up this morning to leave my home...my mom decided to weigh me yet again as I am about to walk out the door. She cried. She didn't want me to leave so I don't know if she cried because I was leaving or because of my weight. I haven't been feeling well lately so my weight must be down. I slept the entire car ride home. I woke up about 15 mins away from my aunts house to my sister telling me that we were going to make a pit stop...to my dad's. Well in short, I was an idiot and it didn't end well...
Then I get home and settle back in. I have been majorly struggling with my body lately. I don't even know how many times I have texted my sponsor to tell her that I was getting a double chin or to ask her if she thought I was fat. Obviously, she lied and told me no. I am getting mixed messages too. Which doesnt help. I was told I look good, or better, that they are proud but then I also get concerns that about my weight. I just hate my body and honestly no matter what comment is made it won't help right now. I haven't exercised in a week and I ate a lot. Like I seriously think I have gained about 70lbs while I was home...Then I come back today and I purged dinner. Despite me already have chest pains. that's ed for you.
It's weird too because I was just saying to Denise that I felt good. I don't feel like I am pretending anymore. Like my mom said this was the best visit she had with me, and I didn't even do anything...normally I am lying and hiding and trying to be something they want. I guess I'm just being me...whoever that is. I am already planning on cutting and exercising later tonight. And I am trying to figure out how to restrict and purge tomorrow...like I said one act on my purging it just automatically starts everything back up. So I guess we will see...
I allowed myself to cry today. Not because of leaving home, not because of once again leaving my dog at home. Not because of my dad...but because of the big C word...someone asked me if I was scared to die. Honestly no I'm not. not anymore. I am more pissed off than anything. I don't feel like I will ever experience life. I am 22 and growing up I was always in the hospital or told that I couldn't do this or that because my body couldn't handle it. Then I turned 18 and could do what I want but I was too busy being in hospital and treatment centers. Now I stopped treatment and I am always exhausted that I couldn't do something no matter how badly I wanted...well besides the once a week burst of energy I get. It's just not fair. I wish I could be around to see who cried. Who would noticed. Who would be a mess....which is weird because I always say that I don't want people to cry when I end up passing away. I want them to be okay. But a part of me has to admit that I do want someone to cry about me. I was crying to my sister saying how unfair this is. That I want that baby to know me as a person and not a story, but I guess it's out of my hands so no reason to cry over it anymore....yea yea I know "it's okay to cry about it"....this is why I feel like a fraud. I feel like sooner or later people are going see that I really am not strong and leave anyway. I am not strong. I am weak. I am actaully a mess. Falling apart piece by piece. Someone who is strong isn't like me...Or people won't care but pull away from me to protect themselves I mean really why get attached to someone who is leaving in a matter of months? Kinda pointless...I am angry about leaving. I don't want to leave certain people. Like a good friend, whether she admits it or not I think she relies on me just as much as I rely on her (which if you are reading I am more than happy to be that person you lean on) and my neice. And my mom. I know that my mom drives me crazy but I really do think and hope that she will be a mess when it's all done and said. I know my dad wouldn't care. I really wish I could just hear him say once, just once that he does. I just need to know that someone does.
I told someone about my little "pit stop" today and she said "Your father is going to kill you" I couldn't say anything. 1. because it's true. and 2. I want it. At least it will be faster. At least I will be free from everything and everyone else will be released. Right now I am kind of just dangling on a piece of string waiting for it to break. I am not a patient person haha apparently even with things I don't want to happen. Its kind of like now or never with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment