Today I had therapy, and no lie I was in the office for an hour and a half talking about my body. How I hate it, apparently I often say that I have or I am getting a double chin...today I told denise that, and she made me show her where I saw the fat on my body, to tell me that it's not really there. And I know what she was doing but it didn't help. I am still hating my body. Still wanting to lose weight. I talked to my sponsor today about it too and she wants me to rub lotion on my body and as I am doing it say something like "I love my feet because....." I laughed. I didn't mean to but saying something positive about any body part of mine is awkward for me. And rare...well she had to go and I surprisingly knew I needed to let more out today. So I picked up the phone and called lisa (also from aba) who I haven't talked to in months so it was good catching up though she was mainly concerned with my other issues but she found out that I was struggling with my body and she tried to help but saying "Okay, you are having a shitty body today, you are allowed that but don't let that keep you from moving forward" I know. I feel stuck though. Like I am on a teeter totter. I want to get better so I can be home and in the baby's life. But then my head tells me "well you're not home right now" (and yes I know if I listen to ed my mom will catch on and won't allow me back home) Then I also think okay less than a year...why fight it the rest of the time? Which lisa told me that yes my doctor did tell me that, but they could be wrong. Like her brother has a liver disease and they told him he would be dead in 2 years, in 2000...its now 2012 and with new meds coming out he is still alive...
Anyway, Denise told me this week I will probably lose weight because I am back up at my aunts and I eat less here than I do at home so I don't even need to try. Haha my sponsor wasn't crazy with denise today said she was arguing with my ed the entire session. I just feel like everyone knows I have an ed and therefore I have to prove to them everyday that I really do. I don't get it.
Lisa also told me that my body image is kicking in because something else is on my mind...like we focus on our bodies rather than focusing on everything else. She said it makes sense that my body image is bad right now. Oh and I told my aunt and she said "get over it" hmmm....yea if I could get over it I would have a longggg ass time ago. It's not that easy. Maybe they are lies, maybe I really don't have a double chin but it sure as hell feels real.
So I reached out a lot today not sure it will help any, I have it made up in my mind that I will purge still and once its in my head it's usually set in stone. Unless I hear awesome news and makes me feel positive it might change for now. for today I think ed (rather annie) will lead the way today.
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