Things have been getting out of control. I know that, but I just really don't know if I care anymore. I mean I do because of my unborn neice but other than that I have no fight in me whatsoever. My exercise has gotten bad. I know I shouldn't be doing it, despite my teams concerns but also because my body is already sore and exercising makes it worse, because when I exercise I can't stop. Like I can't do a half an hour workout and be done with it. No I have to do everything I know. And I know my restricting is bad lately. Okay like my nutritionist wants me to eat at least 1200 calories a day...right now im not even eating that in a week. It's weird because I got to the half way point (500-600 a day) and I was okay with it, besides a few urges I was okay. Now I'm just not. My uncle confronted me the other day because he noticed that I am refusing snack and things work out that I only eat once a day right now. He said something and I knew it was ed related when I got defensive and felt like saying, "Leave me alone" Then on friday he didn't go into work, and my first thought was, "Shit how will I be able to only eat once today?" Like right now, I am eating 200-300 a day and even that seems to be a problem for me. And it's not like im gaining. I mean I am burning it off. I am keeping it in but I know I am burning it off. And I know that I have lost weight again, I can literally see it. Just sucks because just last week my therapist told me that I holding on and she would take IP off the list right now. I see her tomorrow and when I hand her my food log (which has also gotten a bit obsessive like I even logged the number of cough drops I had) this past week that IP thing might be put back on the possiblity list. Despite that I still have not purged (9weeks now) I don't even know what is going on with me. Like I know that I have a lot going on, but I have always had that, and I was doing better. I was eating 2-3 times a day...now if I have to eat twice I freak out, even yesterday I only ate once and this is when I know its my ed and not because I just dont feel good...last night I told my uncle I would make sure that I would eat again because he knew i restricted and he went to bed...A few hours past and I get up and make something to eat but found a creative way to get rid of it. I know its ed because I was sneaky, i'm hiding it. To literally make food disappear so he thinks I kept my word but in the end not actaully eating it. I just feel like I am accomplishing something. I don't know if that is like "another pound lost" goal but I just feel like relieved, proud I don't know... that at least I am doing something right. (though ed just jumped in to tell me that im not because I still refuse to purge) I think I honestly refuse to purge because that is what is making me think that I am doing better, that I am in recovery. but then I also know I am not in recovery, I stopped doing what my team asked, I'm not even trying...im hiding, i'm lying, i'm being sneaky, im making excuses...this is all because of my ed. not me. And I know deep down I am not eating enough because I started to get these cuts on the corners of my mouth again, which means malnutrition and that i am dehydrated along with my anemia levels/blood sugar levels dropping.
I had someone tell me that I am still in recovery, because I am still tying. And that I don't have to be so hard on myself, and that it doesn't have to be "perfect" and so black and white. This sent me in a whirlwind. Honestly, I was spinning around in circles with every thought that came into mind. I think I am still thinking that recovery means behavior free. That one morning I will choose to be a normal person with food and that this battle will be over with me. That easy. I think I am expecting it because that is how I handled purging, I mean I still get urges but I just decided not to do it one day and I haven't gone back to it (though I will admit I don't get urges to purge that much but when I do it seems impossible to "disobey") That is how my restricting and exercising should work too...By all means, I have not been doing it perfectly, I have skipped snack a few times, but not like this past week. And I felt like when I was eating the 2 meals and 1 snack that it was enough food. I ate enough, I ate more than enough but my therapist tells me i am not even close to eating enough yet. I was never close. So even when I feel like I am eating enough is still restricting??? then Ill never be better. I think recovery does have to be perfect, and I know I have problems with perfectionism but I really think I get this from my mom...according to her having even bad thoughts means I am not in recovery. Recovery means no behaviors, AND no thoughts of behaviors...that is to my mom anyway (which makes things a bit harder for me) For me I feel like I can't do anything safe. It is all or nothing. Like if I purge once, it means I won't be able to stop again. It will be more than once. I think that is why my restricting is out of control. Monday I was sick and didn't eat much and now look where it landed me...my normal right now is eating once a day, which I know it's not normal. So because of that, I can't do something once and then stop myself again, means my recovery cannot have any slip ups, it has to be perfect. Maybe it is a hard expectation on me, but it is what it is =) (hate this girl who got me obsessed with that damn quote)
So that is where I am today. Everything is scrambled and I know I am not making any sense. That's my head for you. Everything is so complex and confusing and twisted right now. Denise is going to have fun with me tomorrow trying to make sense of everything and trying to keep me focused at the same time...good luck denise, I know you read this so yea just good luck haha
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