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I don't like complaining, and I know I do it a lot, but sometimes...i just really hate my family. I honestly don't know what to/how to describe it. To sum it all up, my family is full of fakes and liars. I know the whole thing doesn't really concern me, but in a way it does. Which I won't write how it does on here...but ok my sister and my dad haven't talked, in what I thought was like 6 years. And now that I am no longer talking with my dad I often went to my sister venting about things, asking how to handle it, how she got through it...to find out today that it was one big lie. She still talks to him, she even saw him yesterday before she came to pick me up. I mean good for her for working things out and having dad back in her life, but its why lie about it? why sit there and listen to me cry and tell me how to handle it if you are no longer going through it...I'm not stupid, my education is actually the only thing I ever took pride in and when people do things like this, it makes me feel like I am stupid because they think im not smart enough to catch on...

So that sent me in the deep end. I ended up storming out. slamming doors, screaming and cursing...I was literally laying in the middle of the street, but someone wouldn't stop calling me and I finally picked up and she told me to go home that it was cold haha. I stayed out for like an hour before my fingers were numb. I walked in and went straight to my room. No words. no contact. Then I finally come down and they don't talk about that but they question me..."Are you still doing good? How long have you been doing good?" its like not what the problem was. They are ignoring what happened and how it made me feel. I told them I am, and that I am no longer counting days, because it honestly felt like I screwed up and lost those days when I slipped up a few weeks ago. Im so lost. so confused. This is what  I want. This is where I want to be but then I get here and all I want to do is disappear. I feel like no matter where I am, it's just not going to be where I want to be. The little things bugs the crap out me.

Like today wasn't a good day. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep and when I wasn't sleeping I was sick. I had a boost of energy this morning and played with my dog, and she told me that it was exercise and yelled at me for it. Then an hour later she is asking if  I can help her do yardwork...how do you want me to drink an ensure to play with my dog but not one to work outside?? Anyway, I did what I could, came in and fell asleep, an hour she wakes me up, to ask if  I am sleeping...umm helllo? haha then I fall back asleep and another hour she wakes me up to ask "Are you sleeping again?" I am sorry I am exhausted. I have no energy. I am sick. Plain and simple. I am sick. Very sick.

Comments are being made, a lot, which is annoying but in a way reassuring because to ed it means I am still okay...tomorrow I have a family BBQ to go to, and I am a bit anxious about that. Seeing nobody for how long to see everyone at once. I know last time I did that it was overwhelming where I had to leave and be by myself for 45 mins. Then everyone freaked out. I just don't want to get in that position again. So I told my mom that I might not go, and she tells me that is isolating so I don't think I really have a choice.

Before I slipped, I knew what was happening. I saw it, I felt it, but I did nothing about it. I feel that way again. I know I am on edge lately and I am just sitting here watching doing nothing to prevent it. I don't know if I want to. I know it's a sick thing to say but I miss it. I know it destroyed me, but I miss it. This is all a bit scary and unknown. I know I am obsessing, I feel like I gained a lot of weight just since yesterday and I am planning on how to lose it when I leave here.  I know I want to numb out and just not give a damn anymore. I do have a phone session scheduled for Monday with Denise, then I have plans to go meet up with my sponsor and go to a meeting on tuesday and friday, which hopefully they can tell me why I am doing this, why it's worth to torture myself (that is what it feels like) and bring me back to some type of normal reality....

My sister is looking at an apartment on Wed...which is like why move in with her at this point, but at the same time I hope she likes it. Because that means I am that much closer to moving into an area I want to be in and that much closer getting back my life, or rather what I can get back...Plus I decided to get better for this baby and if  I move and I am there and it doesnt seem so out of reach maybe it will give me another push....