Leaving tomorrow

I leave tomorrow bright and early...I am ready to go but I'm not. This week has flown by. I was able to see my sponsor for 3 total hours (one hr on wed and and 2 hours today) I haven't seen her in 3 years so it was good to catch up in person. We went to meetings (aba) on both days...which both times I was trying to convinced myself to not go. The only reason why I did was to see Jen...but both times I ended up really like going. It makes me feel less alone. I have been telling myself lately that I am not really anorexic. But then I go to these meetings, and how can others say the things I think in my head if  I am not anorexic? Literally everyone who shared (not me) I was shaking my head and agreeing with everything they said. I related so much it was insane.  Everyone here at home is saying how proud they are beginging to be. How this is the best visit yet they had with me in the last 3 years...my mom told me that she is so happy that she is getting her daughter back, and how I have "sparkles and life back in my eyes".....I mean it feels good to hear it, but I feel like a fraud. I know where  I am. I know I am still struggling, and that I have a long way to go still. I am a big people pleaser and I don't want to diasppoint them. Anyway,  Wednesday night when  I was leaving the meetings, I walked right into my sponsor,  told her I was sorry that  I all of a sudden got dizzy and before I knew it  I was laying on the ground. The next say I complained about seeing black spots...which is normal for me when  I stand up but this time around I was laying down...not moving. Then today my chest hurt, and my arms are numb (signs of a heart attack) and end up having a seizure in my sponsor's car...luckily she is a doctor and didn't freak out too bad. But she did drive me to the hospital where I stayed at from 12:30 to 3 and came home with yet another feeding tube =/ Esstenially because I am still way under my caloric requirment but feel like I can't eat anymore than I already am. It's hard. I feel like I have gained 50lbs this week and I know  I still need to gain weight, but I dont want to. like at all. I told Jen that  I am getting a double chin ahah she said no way and that I was on dangerous ground (this seems to be the number one phrase  I tell myself before I use ed.)


So then after tube is in, my mom still insists that we go out as a family to have dinner...which is overwhelmimg...lets throw a feeding tube on my face. Everyone was staring at me. The waitress was extrememly nice though. I ate what  I could. I actaully took my sponsor's advice to talk to my mom before we left the house. To tell her that it is overwhelming for me and to make a plan in case I can't pick what to eat...im not in a place to decide on my own yet because if it was up to me it would be iceberg lettace. So I am eating what people serve to me...anyway, she said okay or I could just say ill have what she is having (though I couldn't do this because my mom ordered something with mushrooms and  I didn't feel like going back to the hospital-highly allegric to those) I thought talking to my mom before hand would help, in case she saw mw struggle (which I also told her if  I text or call someone im not being rude its because I need help from someone who understand it) anyway, it didn't help. I am glad I told them what I needed but it ended up with my mom pretty much reading the entire menu to me...I got a comment on shaking my leg. so besides that and the tube hanging out of my nose, it was okay.