Things don't go my way.

Well the plan was for me to cancel therapy today....well my therapist thought differently. She called me.  She said I have to stay connected with her through this "excrustating journey" She told me that Im not a failure, that my ed (as she refers to as the devil) has a grip on me and doesnt want me happy and free...I started crying and she said "Ready to let go now?" I told her im scared. And how I want to be better for this baby but at the same time I dont think its going to happen so its a bit discouraging, to feel like everything you worked towards wont happen. And I dont know how to handle it without ed...She said she understands, but when I said  "if it doesnt happen I wont even try and just go down really fast and will be sucidial" she was shocked. That is when she realized how much me going home means to me. She said well if you know that, we can prevent it. We can work on the rejection and abandonment issues but its not like its not happening it will happen just not this week and going back to ed will keep you away longer...logically I know that but at the same time how do I handle all the pain now while its not in place yet? She wants me to draw and to journal...okay but its not going to take it away and make things happen for me. Its not like im asking for a lot. All I want is to be home.

She was on my case about going to a doctor. I keep cancelling that too. I told her that I have leg pains. Like it hurts to walk or stand right now. I told her I think its from over exercising like i tore my muscles in both of my legs, and my aunt thinks its a low level of potassium. Denise said it could be both and I need to get it checked out. I told her at night (weird its only at night) my arms and legs feel like they go paralyzed. That completely freaked her out. She is also concerned about my spitting up blood again, which makes sense its happening more because im purging more. She is constantly asking about my chest pains too...sorry get over it, not wasting time in the doctors to hear what I already know. Then she freaking calls Remuda Ranch and sets up an evaulation for me tomorrow. And if im approved then I can be admitted on Friday...WTF DENISE??????