Tonight

My sister cried tonight. She told me that my health got to the point where if my mom calls her  or if she calls my mom they answer with, "Is stefanie okay?"  I told them sorry, I am trying to get better but like everything else  I can't control it...Even ed. There is a saying, that goes, "You didn't cause it, You can't control it and you can't cure it" You can take steps to help but there is no guarntee that it will go away. It's a disease. You can do so much treatment and go to so many meetings, you can take steps to try to get better but in the end you have a disease. I feel bad, I don't want people crying and so worried that they can't sleep...my sister also told me that they both can't sleep and when they do they have nightmares because they know one day they will get a phone call to tell the other that  I had passed away. She told me how she isn't ready. How she wants me in her child's life just as much as I want to be there. I wish I had the power to change it. To make everything okay. I feel bad that I am causing them this stress. But again  I can't control it and in a way it is comforting that they don't want this to happen because for a while there I thought that they didn't care. So it's confusing it makes me feel bad but it makes me feel good at the same time haha. My sister also shared with me that she is keeping a journal. She is writing down everything, from how my doctor appointments went to how  I feel that day. It is actually very cute. She has some pictures in there as well...She apparently started this a while ago and she was reading some journal entries and it was dated back to when I first went into treatment so around 2 years ago!