Helpless

Well 9weeks left me. I told someone what I did and they said I still have those 9 weeks and tomorrow is a new day but I know what I did opened the door back up. I know it's going to be 10x harder to say no. I am already planning on how I'll be able to purge tomorrow. This is what I meant by not being able to do anything safe. One time and it makes my head go crazy and plan everything out. I knew I was relapsing but I didn't do anything about it. I saw myself beginning to isolate and to obsess about my body. I saw when I was restricting, which I have to be honest with myself was a lot longer than just this past week. I am really struggling with inner issues. I am having flashbacks I am disossicating I am having nightmares and that seems to always get me in a relapse I am actually impressed that I lasted as long as I did. I've been thinking nonstop about my past and it's extremely frustrating because I don't remember any of it besides getting hit. I was told this is a coping mechanism but you would think I would block out the bad things and keep the good, not the other way around. I think I did good with really thinking about it tonight. I allowed myself to cry, however I did end the night with purging and cutting. It's a twisted cycle I feel like I haven't gotten over this because when I talk about it I'm in Ed and I don't process it and I need to talk about it when I'm not in ed but than I get overwhelmed and I revert backwards. That is my cycle. I'm stuck. I'm completely lost. I dont know who I am. I feel like I am missing pieces to a puzzle and I won't know who I am until I find those pieces and I don't know if I'll ever be able to find them. and i have a right to know my past to know who i am. I am tired of family coming to me and telling me how i lived i mean my dad denied the fact he hit when my therapist called him so how do i know what they tell me is true? Im tired of being asked if i remember this or that when i have no clue what they are talking about. Everything is blank. I feel like there is this barrier around me and I can't find a way out and I am too weak to knock it down. I feel like nobody ever protected me and I feel like a hypocrite because I dont even protect me. I view myself as this little girl and I am even hurting her. So how can I be mad at them when I am doing the same thing?

It sucks because the main reason(that I know of anyway) why I am so self -destructive why I am in so much pain someone else is going through. And I can't do anything about it to help. Sure I can listen and I know it might help but I can't stop it from happening. And with everything I have in me I wish I could. It breaks my heart I don't care who you are or what you did nobody deserves this. Being hit isnt just about being hit. It takes away your self worth, your self respect your sense of protection. Your sense of trust. And the respect from others. It makes you feel like a bad person who for an unknown reason deserves to be punished. All the guilt and blame that you take for it when its not yours to take, its not your fault that something like this happens, it is theirs. And I feel bad because when I talk about my issues I think of others who have it 10x worse than I do. I'm just a little girl who can do absolutely nothing but sit and watch/listen. I'm helpless. I can't stop it from happening to me how can I help to stop it for someone else?

Today I allowed myself to cry and I actually admitted to myself that I was/am abused. I tell everyone that I was hit... But I never use "abused" and I keep telling myself it was for disclipine but I don't remember what I did so horrible to deserve it and even if I did deserve to get a smack I didn't deserve the extent of what it was.

I also thought back today of my ex and how any self respect I had left disappeared when I started dating him, honestly I dated him because he agreed with me. it was like my Ed in person. But I do feel gross and stupid, somehow that turned Into me thinking of my molestation. Like details... I just want to be normal and I want to move on and I want my head to shut up about everything...even for just a day.