I always describe my anger as a meter. I hate saying I have anger because that makes me my dad. So I always say frustrated, or annoyed, anything but angry. But it doesn't allow me to express how I feel, and I get to the point where I feel like I am literally boiling. Everything and Anything can bother me where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry or scream. I always do this to myself, and that is when I normally cut...thing is I go home tomorrow and I can't...I still have to figure a way to cover the cuts already on my arm. (it's been almost a week...should be healed up by now...oh well)
Lately I feel neglected, I feel lonely, I feel stupid, I feel pissed off and I don't know why. I can not have anger I can't... and I need to find a way to not feel this. I won't be my dad. I refuse to. I have worked my ass off with everything I have to be the exact opposite of him that I can't do it now.
It all started last night, I got a call from my sister saying that I can go home for a week...which is a good thing right? But it pissed me off, that she contacted me two days before hand. I had to cancel therapy and now I have no way to prepare myself. I know they are expecting a lot than what I can give them right now. I am a bit worried about how many people will be there. how much food they want me to eat, comments that can be made about my weight, about my food, how I eat, etc. I had to text my therapist to cancel our Monday session and she asked if I was excited. I told her and she said "be you, and you will do fine. You have more victories than defeats. be you" Well who the hell is me? I for sure don't have a clue. How can I be me, when I don't know who that me is? I was my eating disorder. everything I did and said was my eating disorder, but I am no longer that, so who am I now? My therapist told me that she doesn't feel like I am in a place where I can miss therapy at all, so we agreed to do a phone session on Monday. Which is a good/bad thing. I know I need it, but with family around like my sister and mom I think they will be right next to me when I am on the phone. And I'm not hiding anything from them but I don't feel like I can talk knowing they are listening. They both tend to take what they hear and run with it. Things they don't understand and twist it around. Everything that seems to come out of my mouth is like "danger zone" to them, not really fair to me, and puts quite a damper on me being able to openly express myself to them (I just figured out to not say anything at all...look where it got me...still unsure how to handle this because I know I can't keep everything to myself anymore I need to let them know my feelings, but they freak...so suggestions?)....Then drama with my sister came up and I go to my mom to vent about it and she tells me that "I don't want to hear it" So I feel like I am stuck in a corner, facing backwards, like being punished but this time I know I did nothing wrong. Nobody comes to me to tell me that it's over and I can come out from the corner either. I'm standing there waiting. . Like I mean I understand it puts her in the middle but I don't want her to fix it. I just want to be heard, and by her saying that it was like I don't have a voice. I can't be heard and if I can be, nobody wants to hear it anyway. Now just stupid little things are bugging me. I need someone to talk to, but I don't have anyone (outside of Denise). Nobody understands. Everyone else has problems to handle to that they don't need to be burden by mine.
I feel stupid because I do what I do best...push people away. I opened my mouth when I shouldn't have, and I knew I shouldn't have. I was biting my tongue to say anything at all but I felt like certain things needed to be said. But in the end, I think I lost a good friend, or rather lost what we had. Because I can't keep my mouth shut, she probably won't come to me about things. That wasn't my intention. I know it's probably my paranoia...I just feel stupid. I feel like I am a huge burden to her, I rely on her too much. Let's face it my problems are a bit overwhelming. I have shut down. I haven't contacted her for a few days because of this, and she contacted me today and I know I was vague. I put my wall back up, because I am terrified of getting hurt. And if I have my wall up I am protected. Nobody can get in, therefore nobody can hurt me...but it's lonely. And I did enjoy the time she spent with me on the other side of the wall. But I ruined it. I mean, this person hasn't hurt me. Probably the only one who hasn't, but because of what I did, what I said, I can easily see her backing away from me and that will kill me (no pun intended haha)
Which brings me to my next topic. I am so...I don't know the word that would describe how I feel that isn't angry...but this isn't fair. It's just not. I want things in m life. Maybe it's selfish but I do. I want to finish school, I want to help other girls with ed's. I want to know my neice. I want to get married, and to have babies of my own...it's not fricken fair. Life is cut short and I am denied of all the opportunities of life. I can't have them. No more for me. This is it...what do I have to show for it...lets see 22 year old who couldn't even finish one year of college because she had to go to treatment and never got well enough to go back. A 22 year old, who still relies on mommy to come to the rescue. A 22 year old who only had one boyfriend who she only dated because he confirmed everything in her head...what a waste of life. What I lived isn't even a life at all. I have nothing to show and I never will. IT'S NOT FAIR. I know, I know, this is "all part of the process" but =/ Tonight I watched a movie called, "A little bit of heaven" it was about a woman with cancer who knows that she is dying and I was sitting here watching it, balling my eyes out, because that's the life I am living right now. I see her doing these things and I think "did that" or "doing that now" and "shit I have to go through that too..." Then the ending came, and I was hoping for a happily ever after, but there is none. She did die. I wanted her to live. I want to live. I don't want to leave yet. I want more time with the people I love, I want more time with the people who care about me (note they are different people haha). I want to make sure that they will be okay, and how they are handling my illness. I want to do more. See more. creative more. live more.
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