(Tb sorry I know you dont like me talking like this which is why its in a blog and not a convo with you hehe you can stop reading whenever you choose)
I don't really know what happened...I thought I was having an okay day today, maybe not ed wise but emotion wise. I reached out to a lot of other people...somewhere though I felt like an idiot. What the hell am I doing talking to all these people? I should be pulling myself away not getting closer to them. It's not fair to them. (TB I know what you are thinking...)I feel like because of this time frame thing, I don't deserve my friends. They have enough going on that they don't need this on top of it...maybe that is vain to even think for a second that it would make someone miserable for days. I know I say that I want everyone to be okay, but deep down I want to be missed. I dont really want them crying though. Seems like I have them crying enough already...I don't even know how many people I talked to today and I got at least 2-3 people crying. I feel bad, like I am putting this on them. I know I didn't ask for this but I feel and I completely take the blame for the pain others might or do feel. And I don't want them to have pain, not because of me, therefore I feel like I can't talk about this to anyone. And I hate crying in front of others...it makes me feel so weak and vulerable and I already get hurt and opening myself up to others when im weak like that is a good recipe for me getting hurt again. So I haven't even talked about it in therapy. I mean I mentioned it but like anything else when I begin to feel tears I change the subject. I know everyone wants me to be strong and to hang in there and keep fighting and not to give up...but its been 14 years...that is a long time! I was strong and never gave up for 14 years...why can't someone else be strong for me right now or understand why I don't want to fight it anymore? I am tired of fighting and being stuck and not being able to do anything. I want to live now. For the rest of the time I want to live rather than fight against it. (though now I that I am "living" all I am doing is sleeping anymore") I feel like all I do is complain. That's it. I whine and complain about how sucky my life is...It's like com'on grow up and get over it...at least I still have a roof over my head. Food on my plate (though ed jumps in and takes that away right now) Still have family and friends (and I use those words loosely) who are by me, praying for me.
I honestly am at a point where I just want it to happen already...waiting is nothing but torture. Like I am terrified of saying "Ill be there next weekend" when I don't know if I will be. It scares the shit out of me that my neice might not know me. And if she does, she won't remember me and I hate the fact that I am only going to be a story to her (and even then they might not even tell her about me because of how screwed up I am). When I found out that she was on the way was when I saw the reason to fight. She was the reason why I made changes in my life, she literally has changed my life and I won't be able to tell her that and how much she already means to me. I feel like any good relationship Ill ever have are just starting to form and I won't be able to see if it lasts or not for once.
I think I am in the angry phrase of the whole process and that alone scares the shit out of me. I refuse to be my dad. I have worked this hard and got this sick to be everything but my dad and now its like what good does that do? Something else I suck at, because right now I am 100% pissed off. I am mad, like angry, I am hurt, I am upset, I am depressed. The one thing I was supposedly good at turns out that I suck at that too.
I am honestly at a point where I am praying that tonight will be the day that I don't wake up. I won't and everyone else won't have to wait anymore and honestly if it doesn't happen soon then I might take it into my own hands...(funny ed is back in my grip and that fast my depression is 10x worse.) It just seems easier right now. My mom and sister can stop having to pick up the phone with the first words out of their mouths "Is stefanie okay, did it happen?" My mom will be able to sleep again. I won't make other cry, I won't rely on others. It's just easier. for everyone.
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