Today I had a very productive therapy session. I really opened up. I talked about things that I thought I would never talk about. Not in detail like I did today. I was honest, most importantly. I told her how I acted out yesterday despite how easy it would be to lie, to hid and continue to act out. Despite the fear that I disappointed her. I told her. Honestly, even with my black and white thinking of recovery being perfect I think being honest put me back on track. I mean I wanted to to purge in Denise's office (which I told her that I thought "ok I have denise tomorrow and I can purge all day, purge there and then get a shower after dinner and purge then too" and she made a joke saying "oh then i think you need a new therapist"haha) But for some reason, I didn't go into the bathroom at denise's office. I walked right past it and she came out and I hesitated going into her office and as I soon as I sat down I told her. I told what I did. I told her how bad I felt but at the same time how I felt like it threw all the progress I made and I won't be able to get back on track. She saw the cuts and was a little concerned about how bad I did it this time. but she was not mad at me. She made me come up with a list of the positives so that if I were to purge I could try to stop myself this time, because yesterday I didn't stop to think. I just, well ed thought and took over. Anyway, it was either because I was honest or because I really let things out today that I not want to purge tonight. I feel so much weight lifted off my shoulders, and that pressure that I can have slips and not be in a relapse is gone. I can, today is a new day and I can do it again if I did it for 9 weeks already. It can just be one time.
Then I called my mom, and I again really opened up with her. I don't remember thinking of what I was talking about it was just coming out. Which normally ends me in trouble and really regretting it. But not today. I told her, "I can't lie to you, because than I will think I can get away with it, that it's okay and it's not okay" And I told her. She surprisingly took it well, asked what triggers me and what makes it harder than other days. She also asked how I can allow myself to move forward. make today a new day. I told her that I don't want to be who I was. When I am in ed, I am selfish, and everything is all or nothing, life or death and I don't want that again. And I opened up to her about my dad. Told her that I know its a wrong thing to say, but my dad is dead to me. I mean really, we haven't talked. He was never there for me, ever. Not once do I remember being around for something that might have been stupid but very important to me. And I think I finally let go. That I am no longer willing to literally kill myself to be someone Im not for him and still not being good enough. And I will stick to my word, I do not want that toxic relationship in my life, and I know he is my father...biologically, but a dad, he's not and he never was. I will not communicate with him unless things changed. I refuse to repeatedly get hurt by him. I am an adult now, and I need to protect myself, I will not let it happen anymore.
Then for the first time ever.... I told my mom that I know that money was tight growing up. I remember one time, that I got in a fight with my best friend and I wanted to get this mini skateboard to give me something to do durning the day. I remember her saying no, and I remember getting upset. Then a few days pass and she buys it for me and says sorry she wasn't thinking of me...I was a kid. I didn't know better, but now I see it. I know that she said no because she didnt have the money, and she got it for me when she did. She wanted to make me happy. I know money was tight, and that she tried and I appricate it. I started crying, and she started crying and said "Thank God I am getting my daughter back. Thank god you are opening your eyes, that I tried. I wanted you happy, I wanted to protect you but I was always the monster and your dad was always the hero" (not sure why dad is the hero but she does have a point he was to me...) Then I sat down and realized that my perspective is changing. It's not so cloudy anymore. It's like before, I was in this tornado and I was mixed in with everything else spinning around, seeing nothing but the storm..but now. I found a safe place and I can still see the storm and I can still see everything that is spinning around making a mess of things, but I am safe. Honestly with how today went, if things don't work out with my sister that m mom might consider me coming back home. I see the progress I made now. I see that I changed. And I don't want to turn back now. This is a much better way to live.
Well...time to eat dinner....so back off ed, you are not winning. Not today.
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